by Beth Reekles
She said water so weird.
“Sure.”
She followed me into the kitchen, and I handed her a glass of water. We stood facing each other, and I flexed out my fingers nervously. My heart thundered, and I swallowed the lump in my throat, uneasy.
“I know this is probably very strange for you, but I wanted to talk about Noah.”
Well, there wasn’t much else that she could want to talk to me about, but still—what the hell?
I just looked at her, waiting, not knowing what to say.
Amanda sipped her water and then dropped her shoulders back, as if squaring herself for something. Was she here to tell me to back off? Insist that I keep away from Noah or something? Tell me to get over him already and stop mooning around like some silly little girl?
“Why won’t you talk to him?”
“What?”
Okay, whatever I’d expected, that was not it.
Far from it.
“He didn’t send me over here or anything like that, but I just thought…well, I thought maybe you could talk to me if you couldn’t talk to him. He really misses you, you know. And I know he feels bad about what happened between you, and about yesterday. For goodness’ sake, all he’s been able to talk about since we booked flights to come was what he was going to say to you. You’re all he talks about. I understand that you probably don’t want to see him, but he really does just want to talk. He says you deserve an explanation.”
I stared at her, gaping, for probably a full minute. Maybe more.
Amanda, looking awkward for a change, sipped some more water and looked around the kitchen.
“I don’t get it,” I said finally. “Why are you talking to me about this?”
“I know, I know it’s not really my place, but I care about Noah, and he’s really cut up about what happened, so I thought—”
“Yeah, yeah, you thought you’d try to get me to talk to him. I just don’t get why you care. I mean, I thought…you guys…It just doesn’t make any sense.”
She stared at me for a moment, a quizzical expression on her pretty face.
Shit, was she really going to make me say it?
“I don’t get why this is such a big deal to you now you guys are, you know…a thing.”
Amanda made a weird choking noise, her eyes blown wide, and her hand flew to her mouth. A giggle escaped her lips. “Oh my God. He didn’t tell you, did he. He didn’t tell you?”
“Tell me what?”
“Oh shit. Sorry. I mean…No, it’s…” She looked flustered, her hands waving around her erratically, and she bit her lip between words. Finally, she composed herself, looking calm and collected and…and like she was almost about to laugh. “We’re definitely not a thing. We never were.”
Now it was my turn to look like an idiot and gawp at her. Her face was open, sincere, her blue eyes wide and apologetic.
“Honestly. I thought he told you. I mean…he never said he told you, but I thought he must have. He said you thought we were together and that was part of the reason you guys broke up, but I assumed he told you we weren’t.”
“I mean, he said you were…friends. He said you were lab partners. That you were close and I wouldn’t get it. And he brought you home for Thanksgiving.”
“Yes, because he didn’t want me to stay on my own back at school. We are close. You try spending hours in labs and classes with someone and not bonding. Of course he invited me for Thanksgiving when he heard I planned to spend it alone in the dorms. He’s a nice guy.”
“No kidding,” I said, my voice sounding weird, like it didn’t belong to me. It sounded detached, and flat, and not half as confused as I felt right now.
“Oh, God, I can’t believe this. No wonder you looked so awkward yesterday. I thought it was just because of Noah. I didn’t think it was because you thought we were together. I’m so sorry.”
“It’s not your fault,” I said in the voice that didn’t sound like mine.
“I didn’t even think. I’m so sorry, Elle. But I promise you, there’s nothing going on with us. There never has been. He’s like…He’s like a little brother or something. Kind of helpless. You know he can barely work out how to do his own laundry? He tries to wingman for me at parties, set me up with guys.”
I didn’t know what to do with this information.
I tried to digest it, but the words just swirled around in my head. I felt numb. My mouth had gone dry.
“He feels awful about what happened with you two. And about yesterday. He was really upset about you leaving. He went to go and look for you, but he said he couldn’t find you. I don’t know if he means to just clear the air so you can both move on or what. He wasn’t really in the mood to talk to me or Lee about it yesterday.”
I stared at her a while longer.
“You’re not together.”
“No.”
“You’re not his girlfriend.”
“No. Trust me, he’s not my type.”
I stared again.
Oh my God.
What the fuck had I done?
“I’m really sorry if I’ve made things weird now,” Amanda said nervously. “I thought you knew. I thought maybe you just didn’t want to talk to him because you were angry with him, or just really upset, or…”
I shook my head.
She reached over to squeeze my hand. “I feel awful. I’m so sorry, Elle.”
“No, don’t, it’s…it’s not your fault. He should’ve told me. Okay, I mean…he…he did. He told me there was nothing going on with you two, but I didn’t believe him. That was when we broke up. He hasn’t spoken to me since.”
“He’s sort of clueless when it comes to girls,” Amanda said. “He acts like a womanizer and he’s just not. He’s like a lost puppy. He acts like a badass out on the football field and then he watered my fern for me when I went on a trip to DC for the weekend.”
I laughed, and it seemed to take some of the weight off my chest.
Amanda smiled, too. “So, will you talk to him?”
“I…”
I faltered. Okay, so they weren’t together, but that didn’t change the fact that he hadn’t tried to talk to me since the breakup, and he hadn’t really talked to me yesterday. He hadn’t bothered to warn me he’d be bringing Amanda home for the holidays, whether they were together or not. If anything, he’d done it knowing I believed they were a thing.
Plus…if it wasn’t Amanda he’d been hiding from me, what was it?
“I don’t know. It’s complicated.”
She nodded with a sympathetic smile. “That’s okay. I understand. He probably won’t, but can I let him know you’ll talk to him when you’re ready to?”
“Thanks. I guess.”
“I’m really, really sorry,” she said again.
“What for?”
“Well, I know that I was one of the problems between you guys. He told me about the photo. And I’m sorry I didn’t say yesterday that we weren’t together. I honestly thought you knew. It might’ve made you feel less…well, it might’ve made you feel better yesterday. I bet it was pretty rubbish thinking he’d brought his new girlfriend home so soon after you guys split.”
“ ‘Rubbish’ doesn’t even begin to cover it.”
Amanda laughed. “Yes. Well, I’ll get out of your hair. Thanks for the water.”
“No problem.”
I walked her to the door, and as she was stepping outside, I said, “Amanda?”
“Yeah?”
“Thanks. For telling me. And explaining.”
“Of course. I’ll see you around!” she added in the bubbly, cheerful tone she’d used all yesterday, and she gave me an equally bright grin before walking down the street.
I still felt stunned when I went back into the living room. My dad po
unced immediately, muting the movie. Brad shouted “Hey!” but my dad didn’t react.
“What did she want?”
“Was it Noah’s new girlfriend?” Brad asked, forgetting about the TV.
“She’s…she’s not…They’re not together.”
My dad raised his eyebrows, but he didn’t actually look too surprised. “Huh.”
Brad said, “Does that mean you’re going to be his girlfriend again now?”
“I don’t think so. I don’t know. We didn’t…She just wanted…”
Dad said, “I thought you said they were dating.”
“I thought they were. I mean, I just assumed…” Oh, man. I’d been such an idiot. I should’ve trusted him. I should’ve believed him.
“Yeah. Well. What’re you going to do? Are you going to talk to him?”
I huffed, pursing my lips for a moment. “I don’t know, Dad, jeez.”
“I just don’t want you to do anything stupid.”
“What, like get back together with him?”
“No, like get your heart broken again.”
Chapter 24
The crowds at the mall were worse than ever as people poured into stores for the sales and to start their Christmas shopping, now that Thanksgiving was officially over. It was almost three in the afternoon before Lee and I had managed to grab a seat for lunch.
I still hadn’t talked to Lee about what had happened with Levi, but I’d told him all about my chat with Amanda.
“Well,” he’d said, “to be fair to Noah, we all just assumed…”
“Yeah. Well, he could’ve mentioned it. Like, to me.”
“He did tell you there was nothing going on between them.”
I shot a glare at him for that. “Which is exactly what he would’ve said if something had been going on. And then he brought her home for Thanksgiving. What was I supposed to think?”
“I know, I know. I’m not blaming you. I thought they were together, too. I’m sure my mom and dad were convinced, too, even though Noah said they were just friends.”
After we’d given the waitress our orders, Lee looked serious. “What actually happened after you ran out on Thanksgiving?”
“Did you tell Noah where I’d gone?”
“He asked. He heard your car leave. I said you were going to the park because you were sick of his attitude—”
“Oh my God, tell me you didn’t actually say that.”
“—and he went after you. He didn’t say anything. When he got back, he looked really pissed. I figured you guys had had another fight, especially after you didn’t come back. I tried asking him, and he just told me to leave it. So? Did you have a fight?”
“I never spoke to him.”
“Then what happened? Did he pick a fight with Levi or something?”
“No.” Oh, man. I didn’t want to lie to Lee or to hide things from him, but…I squirmed in my seat. “Okay, you have to promise not to laugh or anything.”
“Why?”
“Promise me.”
“I promise.”
“So I met Levi at the park. I wanted to let off some steam about Noah and Amanda, and we ended up…making out.”
Lee stared at me a moment before his mouth pinched and contorted side to side, and the muscles in his jaw and cheeks twitched as he tried really hard not to laugh. I glared at him.
“You promised not to laugh.”
I watched him draw a deep breath through his nose and let it out before he said, “Sorry, but you kissed Levi? Like, Levi Monroe? The same Levi you’ve been hanging out with all semester and swearing you don’t like like?”
I groaned, burying my head in my hands. “I know. It was a shitty thing to do. Especially if I did want to date him. I’d have totally ruined anything now.”
“I cannot believe you made out with Levi Monroe.”
“Will you stop saying his full name? It’s weird.”
“Was it good?”
“What kind of question is that?”
“Okay, was it weird?”
“Not as much as it could’ve been. But it just…wasn’t…” I sighed. “He wasn’t Noah.”
Lee’s mouth twisted in sympathy. “So what happened then?”
“Noah saw. I didn’t know he was there until I saw him leaving. I don’t think he overheard anything but he definitely saw us kissing.”
“Damn,” Lee said, and let out a long, low whistle. “You guys really need to talk and sort your shit out.”
I grunted, unimpressed with the suggestion—especially since he was probably right—and we moved on to talk about something else instead. Although every five minutes was punctuated with Lee saying, “I can’t believe you made out with Levi” or “Wait till the guys hear. Levi.”
“If you tell anybody, I swear to God I’m going to tell Rachel something you don’t want her to know.”
“I tell Rachel everything.”
“Oh yeah? Does she know that you cried harder than me when we watched Marley and Me? Or what about the time I got my first bra and you wore it for a day to see what it was like?”
The laughter disappeared from Lee’s face and he raised a fry threateningly at me. “You dare…”
I raised my eyebrows, grinning at him triumphantly.
* * *
• • •
Lee came back to my house after the mall. He didn’t even suggest we go back to his, where I might bump into Noah. He’d tried to get me to talk about Noah again—what I was going to do and if I was going to talk to him—but I stayed mute on the subject.
The truth was, I still didn’t know myself.
I knew I was still in love with Noah; somehow that made it all so much worse. I was torn between wanting to get back together with him and wanting to never have to talk to him again until I was officially one hundred percent over him.
But what if I couldn’t get over him until we’d talked things through and he’d explained the whole thing with Amanda was just a horrible misunderstanding? What if seeing him alone was the best way to get over him?
And what if it just made things worse?
My head was spinning with what-ifs and I knew I could think about it for weeks and still not figure out the right thing to do.
Lee was only trying to be helpful—I knew that.
But he didn’t just have my best interests at heart; he was looking out for his brother, too. And he knew his brother wanted to talk to me.
I ignored the two missed calls I had from Noah and the text that said: If you don’t want to talk, I get it, but let me know?
“I think you should at least call him and say you don’t want to talk,” Lee said. “Or for God’s sake, at least text the poor sap.”
I still didn’t know what I wanted to do when I was lying in bed, tossing and turning, later that night. I couldn’t sleep for thinking about it.
I’ll go see him early tomorrow, before he leaves.
I’ll text him in the morning to say I think it’s better if we don’t talk, and I hope he and Amanda had a nice time here.
I’ll ignore everything to do with him.
I’ll see him in the morning.
I’ll call him when he’s back at college.
I won’t speak to him.
I’ll—
There was a rattle at my window.
I sat up, twisting toward the sound, and stared at the closed drapes.
Another one. Kind of like a tap, but whatever it was hit the gutter on the way down.
I frowned at the window for three more taps before I got up to see what it was.
I scrambled out from under the covers and threw open the curtains, peering down through the darkness. From the streetlamp’s amber glow, I could see a guy in my front yard, and I clenched my jaw tight while my heart d
id a somersault and his name jumped to my lips.
Seeing me, he stopped throwing things.
He waved.
I fumbled for the latch and opened the window.
“What are you doing? It’s two in the morning!”
“Yeah, I know.”
I gawped at him for a second. “What do you want?”
“I have to talk to you. My flight leaves at twelve and I couldn’t not talk to you before I left. I figured this was the only way to get you to talk to me.”
I stared at him for a split second longer before closing the window. I found some sneakers and a hoodie, pulled them on, and crept downstairs to the front door. I closed it quietly behind me, leaving it on the latch so I could get back in.
“You’ve got two minutes, Noah Flynn.”
“I almost didn’t think you were coming.”
He was holding a bag of Skittles—they must’ve been what he was throwing at my window, in lieu of pebbles or rocks.
Noah strode toward me, coming up onto the porch. I took a half step back. I forgot how tall he was, up close like this. I noticed, in the porch light, that he was wearing flannel pajama pants and a hoodie, and sneakers with no socks, almost exactly like me: he’d come straight here from lying in bed.
I set my jaw and stared up at him, resolute. “Time’s ticking.”
It sounded lamer than I expected it to. Noah just looked determined. Serious.
I counted my heartbeats. I got to sixteen before he spoke.
“Cramps, huh?”
“Excuse me?”
“On Thanksgiving. We both know that was a load of bull.”
“You followed me,” I accused instead.
“I felt like you’d left because of me. I thought I should…apologize or something. It wasn’t fair to you to have to leave because of me. And from talking to Lee, he made it sound like you weren’t over me, so I thought maybe I should clear the air. But obviously he was wrong.”
I stuck my chin out. “What difference does it make? We broke up. Who I kiss isn’t any of your business anymore. Same goes for you. I thought that was pretty clear when you didn’t even call me to tell me you were coming home for Thanksgiving, much less with Amanda.”
