Finding Evan

by Lisa Swallow

  Ness’s parents aren’t around when we arrive, so I sit in the vast kitchen while Ness makes drinks. The house reminds me how far apart the worlds of our childhood were – not only the expense of the things around me, but the happy childhood photos. Two parents.

  This is my first trip to Ness’s house where I get to stay. Last year I visited, but only for a painful lunch just before we left for Europe. The visit wasn’t long after the Lucy meltdown where they thought Ness had been hurt, before they discovered the girl was Lucy. Despite their outward friendliness, I couldn’t help feeling judged as the guy with a mentally-ill sister from a single parent family. Me and Ness had only begun to rediscover each other again, and the day made me question how I could be good enough. I’m not sure how I’ll be accepted, or if I will be. But I promised I’d do this for Ness.

  ***

  NESS

  The look on Evan’s face when he realizes we’re sleeping in separate rooms is priceless. Then he teases me about how ‘proper’ we are, and how from now on we should ‘refrain from sexual relations’. I shush him as I hear the front door. Evan freezes, and the look on his face informs me how he feels about meeting one of my family again.

  “You’ll be fine,” I whisper and take his hand.

  “I hope so.”

  Our traditional Christmas Eve involves a spread of seasonal food, the neighbors, and plenty of alcohol. This should make things easier on Evan: more people less scrutiny. Evan helped me prepare some of the food earlier, and this involved attempting to stop him from eating half of what I laid out.

  When we get back to the kitchen from upstairs, Mum is there, cheeks pink from the outdoor weather, and a strand of brown hair falling from her loose plait.

  “I thought you two were here; I hoped so anyway. The snow is getting bad, and I don’t like the idea of you driving in this weather.”

  I embrace her; she smells of the same perfume she’s worn since my childhood, and is dressed in a skirt suit after her day at the surgery. Mum places a hand on my cheek.

  “You look pale; are you eating properly?”

  “Yes, Mum,” I say in the tired ‘stop fussing’ way.

  She tuts and looks behind me, where Evan hovers in the doorway. “How are you, Evan?”

  “Fine, thank you, Mrs. Armstrong. How are you?”

  I snigger. “Evan…she’s not the queen. Even if she has the same name. And sounds like she is.”

  He flashes me a look, and I pull my lips together trying not to laugh. He’s never going to be allowed to forget the comment he made the first time we met. The night he told me I sounded like the Queen and I came close to slapping him.

  “Just call me Liz. Did you want a drink? Beer? Wine?”

  Evan looks to me for advice and I sigh at him. “I’ll have a wine please, Mum.”

  “Evan?”

  “Yeah. Beer, please.”

  Mum busies herself opening a bottle of red wine. “Put some Christmas music on, darling.”

  Crossing to the CD player, I notice a pile of CDs already there. Mum starts listening to Christmas music a week before; she’s a bigger kid than me and my brother when Christmas comes around.

  “Is Jem coming home?” I ask.

  “Not this year. Seems you’re doing a swap; he’s staying with Daisy in London.” Disappointment flashes across her face and is quickly replaced by a smile. “Anyway, I need to get ready for tonight.”

  I’m aware of her sweeping her gaze over the pair of us. “Are the scruffy students dressing up for the occasion?”

  “Right, Mum. We’ll get changed. I won’t embarrass you in my terrible outfit of student jeans and jumper.”

  Mum smiles, and tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. “Is your dad back yet?”

  “No.” She draws her plucked brows together. “At least he’s in the Land Rover.” She checks her watch. “I’ll call him.”

  Bing Crosby’s voice fills the room as she leaves, and I wrap my arms around Evan’s waist, happiness surging through me. Christmas with Evan.

  ***

  EVAN

  Ness’s lounge is as big as the whole downstairs of my house. A tastefully decorated Christmas tree sparkles in the long bay window, baubles and stars arranged around in perfect order. Matching silver and blue decorations are carefully arranged around the room. I can’t remember the last time we had anything but a bit of tinsel on the wall in our house. Snow falls, piling against the window. This house is like being inside one of the Christmas cards my family Sellotape to the wall in Lancaster.

  Tall-backed chairs are set out around the room amongst the copious, cushioned cream sofas, and the feeling I’m in another world intensifies as each guest arrives.

  I attempt to skulk in a corner, but Ness insists on dragging me around introducing me to people whose names I instantly forget. Most of them are the same age as her parents, dressed in expensive looking clothes. Getting dressed up is an alien concept to me still, but Ness informs me the blue shirt and smart black trousers are acceptable. At least I don’t need to wear a tie.

  Ness looks beautiful in her green dress. Gathered under her gorgeous breasts and floating just above her knee, the color matches her happy eyes. I laughed when I saw her tiny Christmas tree earrings, and she threatened to tie tinsel around my neck. It’s taking all my self-control not to find a quiet corner and cover all her visible bare skin with kisses. The fact we’re in separate rooms adds an illicit thrill to the idea of making love to Ness. One I intend to act on at some point soon.

  Ness sips champagne from a tall glass, and I manage to persuade her to move to a quieter corner. From this vantage point, Ness points out who’s who, but I can’t keep up with the ins and outs of her Cotswolds village life. Finally, a group of people around our age arrive, and they split off towards their families. I reckon some of them have had a few drinks before they got here. I wish I had.

  A guy with blonde hair which flops into his eyes surveys the room, and I realize he’s looking for Ness because her hand tightens around mine. When his gaze reaches us, I rub the back of her hand.

  “You okay?” I ask.

  “He’s an ex.”

  “Oh.” Although I wonder why this bothers her.

  “He’s an idiot. Ignore anything he says to you.”

  He approaches, and I take in his expensive clothes as if he’s stepped out of an advert for Burberry, or one of those stupidly overpriced shops in Manchester. He looks me up and down, and then turns to Ness with a quizzical look. “Hello, Ness.”

  “Josh.”

  “Is Abby coming tonight?” he asks.

  “No. She’s busy.”

  I bristle at the fact he’s dismissed me.

  “This is Evan,” Ness tells him.

  Josh holds out his hand and grips mine in a firm handshake. “Hello, Evan. Are you at uni with Ness?”

  “Yeah.”

  “How are you finding med school? I’m in London – King’s College. Second year though; doesn’t get any easier, you know.”

  “I’m not at med school.”

  Josh raises an eyebrow. “Oh? What do you study?”

  “Something different,” replies Ness before I can speak. “Are you back home for long, Josh?”

  She didn’t need to say that. Okay, so I get touchy about my English degree, but Ness’s interruption bothers me. Is she trying to help me, or is she uncomfortable her boyfriend is a slacker?

  Josh’s eyes remain on me. “Where are you from? You sound like an extra from one of those Northern soap operas.”

  Gritting my teeth, I turn to Ness. “Where’s the bathroom? Upstairs?” I need to get away from this guy.

  “Ness has several in her house; there’s a cloakroom through there.” He points towards double wooden doors at the back of the room.

  “Thanks,” I say begrudgingly.

  “Is it a novelty for him to have an indoor toilet?” he says to Ness as I walk away, at a volume I can hear.

  Fucking dickhead. But he’s doing this
on purpose, and despite the alcohol swimming in my system, I control my urge to go back and retort.

  I don’t belong here with the English gentry and Burberry man.

  ***

  NESS

  Anger courses into my stiffened body. “You dick!”

  Josh laughs at me. “Seriously, Ness? He’s not your type.”

  “And what’s my type?”

  “Not some Northern guy who looks like he spends more time working out than studying. More muscles than brains – you need someone on your level. Intellectually.”

  “You know nothing about him!” I retort.

  Josh scoffs. “I’ve met his type.”

  “I’m not justifying who I go out with to someone like you.”

  He shrugs. “Yeah, not my problem if you stepped down a level after me.”

  I stare, wondering what I ever saw in the arrogant prick. He didn’t accept our break up too well, but that happened over a year ago. “Grow up,” I snap.

  “So, you guys, are you serious? Known him long?”

  “I’m not talking to you about Evan. Our relationship is none of your business.”

  I glance at the clock above the marble mantelpiece. It’s after eleven and I’m guessing he spent all afternoon at the pub, the traditional Christmas meet up for people from school.

  “I can see why you stayed away this afternoon. He wouldn’t have fit in.”

  “Seriously, Josh, shut up.”

  He puts a hand on my arm. “I still miss you, Ness. I wish you’d come to London with me last year.”

  How can I tell him not going with him to London was the best move of my life? I swear, our families had us married off as soon as we were born, living an identical life to the other long-standing families in the village. As a stupid sixteen-year-old, I’d half-believed a future with Josh was the best idea. Be a doctor with my doctor husband. Until logic prevailed around my eighteenth birthday. Then came Leeds. Evan. Miles apart from this guy, and not just because he’s from a different part of the country.

  “Sweet of you to say, but we were a long time ago.”

  Josh holds out his arms. “Christmas kiss?” He looks up. “Must be some mistletoe around here somewhere.”

  “I don’t think so.” I back away from him.

  “Aww, Nessie…”

  “Don’t call me that!”

  Why do we have to be in a bloody corner? Flashbacks to the guy at the cocktail party and drunk guys in the past seer across my mind as he pushes me back with his body.Him. His brother. Nobody else notices or cares; proper English families don’t have people who touch up girls without their permission. Josh puts a hand on my waist.

  “Get off me,” I hiss, worried about causing a scene.

  “Just one kiss. For old times’ sake. Then you can compare my kiss to his.”

  What is wrong with me? Do I have a ‘Grope Ness; she won’t mind’ tattoo on my forehead? “Get off me!” I say more loudly.

  The size of the room and volume of Christmas music hides my words from those around.

  “Not so much of an English gentleman, are you?” Evan grabs Josh by the sleeve and pulls him away.

  Josh drags his arm from Evan’s grip and brushes himself down. “And she’s not so much of the refined girl you think. I can tell you some stories about what an easy lay Ness was for anyone who tried…”

  “Don’t make me drag you out of this room,” growls Evan.

  “Evan! I told you he’s an idiot. Don’t let him get to you.”

  My head spins from the alcohol and the hurt – of Josh’s hands on me and his lies. Evan inhales and steps back, eyes fixed on Josh. “I need some fresh air. Coming?”

  I nod robotically and take his hand. Evan marches out of the room, through the house, and towards the kitchen door. He slams the door open, and we walk into the peace of the snowy night.

  “Fuck, Ness!” Evan drags his hand through his hair and leans against the wall.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “You’re sorry?”

  “What he said about me, it’s not true.”

  “I don’t believe him; someone treating you like that and saying those things about you is what bothers me. I came this close to fucking punching him.” Evan holds up two fingers with a tiny gap between.

  “That’s what he wanted.” I touch Evan’s hand, hoping he calms.

  “I know. Which is why I didn’t.”

  I rest against the wall next to him, flinching as the cool bricks touch my naked arms. “You’re not a violent person, Evan. I know you wouldn’t have done anything.”

  He worries at his lip. “I know I’m not. But the anger from this, I wanted to. If anybody ever hurt you, Ness…”

  Snuggling against him, I bury my face into Evan’s hard chest. “Forget about it. Let’s not let someone like him spoil our time.”

  He doesn’t reply, wraps an arm around my shoulder, and rubs my bare arm. “Sorry, it’s freezing out here.”

  The garden is a pristine, white carpet of snow, reminding me of rare white Christmases from my childhood. The snow falls gently now, the odd flake lands around us as we shelter beneath the eaves.

  Pulling away from Evan again, I tread across the snowy ground and lift my face up to catch a snowflake on my tongue. “I love the snow, especially at Christmas.”

  Evan stays where he is. “This is fitting for our first Christmas”

  “What is?”

  “Snowflakes. They’re so small you don’t notice the difference they make until they gather into snow. Then, before you realize they’ve transformed the world around into something bright and new.”

  He walks over and wipes away the melted snow trickling down my face. “Like when I met you. All the little things about you gradually transformed my world into something brighter and better.”

  His words fill the emptiness left by my encounter with Josh.

  “How can you be so frustratingly poetic and so frustratingly sexy at the same time?”

  He strokes my cheek. “Because I love you.”

  The truth of Evan’s words shine back at me in his eyes. I don’t answer; instead, I wind my hand into his damp hair and lock my mouth on his. He winces as my cold nose pushes into his cheek. Cupping my face, we kiss as the snowflakes drift down around us. Lost in our strange white world of snow, and away from the world inside my house.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  EVAN

  Of all the places I’ve been today, this is the worst. In bed without Ness. Knowing she’s across the hallway is frustrating the hell out of me. The evening swirls around my mind as I lie here. Ness didn’t want to leave me alone, but I could tell she wanted to return to her Christmas Eve ritual. Josh had skulked off by the time we returned to the party, so I felt happy to leave her. Sort of. I’d rather she’d snuck upstairs with me, but I can understand why she’d be uncomfortable with sex if her parents aren’t far away.

  The guest room they tucked me away in isn’t comfortable. I mean, yeah, the bed is soft, and the expensive bedding suffocating in warmth, but I don’t want to touch anything in case I spoil something valuable. I hang my clothes over a chair, then worry this isn’t right and move them to the wardrobe. Okay, so no one’s going to inspect me, but I just feelodd.

  We don’t have a spare room at my family home. Guests crash on the sofa and are happy to get the luxury. Usually.

  My phone pokes out from under the hastily changed clothes from earlier, and in my semi-inebriated state, I check the screen. One eye only, as if that makes a missed call less likely to show. No Lucy call or text. Thank fuck for that, considering the night I’ve just had.

  I drift to sleep, wishing with every ounce of my body Ness’s warm figure was laying snuggled against mine.

  I wake again as light shines across the room, and the door silently opens, and then clicks softly closed. Seconds later, I hear clothing drop to the floor, and Ness creeps into bed.

  As soon as her soft, naked breasts brush against me, my dick hardens as
if someone has flicked a switch. “Ness…”

  Ness giggles and licks from my chest to my face. Holy crap, she’s completely naked. And she knows that’s how I sleep.

  I catch Ness’s face and hold her cheeks, studying her eyes. “Are you drunk?”

  “Not much. But I’m sure as hell not sleeping on my own tonight.”

  I make a mental note - champagne makes Ness horny - as I slide my hands along her naked body. “I thought we agreed no sexual relations?”

  “Pfft. Right. Like you’d ever refuse.” Ness’s hair strokes my chest as she moves downwards, head disappearing under the covers.

  “Fuck! Ness…don’t!”

  The next giggle reverberates against my stomach as her soft lips move towards my dick. As her tongue slides along my length, I shift away from her, summoning as much self-control as I can manage to keep her from going any further.

  Ness lifts her head up from beneath the sheets and pouts at me. “What’s wrong?”

  “I feel odd,” I whisper.

  Soft fingers stroke where she had her mouth, not helping matters. “You feel fine to me.”

  This Ness is funny. I’ve met her a few times, on drunken adventures in Europe and the odd occasion in Leeds. The reserved middle-class girl talking dirty and telling me exactly how she wants it.

  With willpower I never knew I had, I loosen her hand from me, knowing if this goes on much longer, I won’t want to say no anymore. I can’t do this in her parents’ guest room. Not when they’re down the hall. Ness huffs and moves upwards, hair spilling over my face, and breasts within tantalizing reach of my mouth. As I move towards them, Ness giggles again, shifts, then grabs my face and thrusts her tongue into my mouth. I’m gone. The frustration built from lying in bed thinking of her, and the horny-as-fuck girl practically pinning me down explodes into overwhelming lust for her.

  Ness pulls away.

  “I want you to fuck me, Evan.”

  The words flood more blood downwards, as if that’s possible. “Don’t say that,” I breathe into her ear.

  “Why?”