Ty took Colt’s attack as the start to a new battle. Just as I would have suspected, buy the time the family got wind of it, Colt was the bad guy. Even his mother had issues with Colt blowing up. Obviously, she’d been around me and Ty when Colt and Noah were in California. She was a keen woman who could see beyond what was on the outside. Even with her being able to sense that we were close, I think she knew that neither of us would ever cross those boundaries.
With a wedge formed between my two favorite guys, Miranda and Amy didn’t talk to me as much. It was weird considering Ty called me everyday. At first, I thought it was because he was the only one who knew about my medical issue. I thought maybe they were offended, even though it wasn’t meant to be that way, at all.
Colt never said a word about me talking to Ty every day. He usually called in the mornings when he knew Colt wasn’t at the house. Since the whole family now knew about my predicament, they bombarded me with attention. Sometimes it was just too overwhelming. It only reminded me that I had a serious matter to worry about.
Life became hard to focus on that next week. If it weren’t for the kids, I think I would have gone crazy.
Colt said that things wouldn’t change between us, but already I could see him doing extra things to appease me. Not that I didn’t appreciate it, because I most certainly did. I just hated that he was doing it because he felt sorry for what I was going through. All in all, I knew he was going through it as well. I had to keep reminding myself that I wasn’t in this mess alone.
The doctor’s office called on Thursday. I was sitting down matching socks when the phone rang. I think I just knew it was them calling. After a minute, I had an appointment to go in and talk to the doctor that afternoon. I sat there with that phone in my hand just staring at it for at least twenty minutes. I wasn’t shaking or crying. No, I was perfectly still, realizing that this was really happening.
Finally, when I noticed how long I’d been frozen in place, I called Colt and told him that he needed to come home. I didn’t have to tell him why. I think he was expecting the phone call to come when he wasn’t home.
The second he walked in the door, I broke down. We didn’t even know the extent of the results. All we knew was that if it were nothing, they would have told us. We needed to prepare for the worst and just pray it wasn’t that bad.
Colt called my mother to let her know, since I wasn’t in any condition to talk to anyone. By noon, we were on our way to learn my fate.
I was more than petrified. I didn’t know how to feel or act. I knew the risks and the statistics. I knew there was a chance that my life was going to be cut short. I thought about my beautiful babies again. How was I going to be able to look them in the eyes if I found out I wasn’t going to live much longer.
Colt patted me on the leg when we’d arrived and I hadn’t noticed.
We walked into the office holding hands. I was happy about that, considering at any moment I felt like I was going to pass out. I tried to think of all the women and men before me that had come into this office for the same reason. It sickened me to think that it happens so often.
The front desk lady took us right back into the doctor’s office. While waiting for him to come in, Colt reached his hand over and grabbed mine. “I love you, darlin’.”
“I’m so scared, Colt.” I could feel myself shaking in the seat.
The doctor came in catching our attention. Colt cleared his throat and reached over to shake hands with the man.
He sat down across the desk from us and opened up my chart. “Sorry it took so long getting these results. I know it’s hard playing the waiting game.” He pulled out a couple pictures and pointed to certain areas. “This was the spot in question. On this imagine it looks a lot bigger than it actually is.” He read something and then looked up at me. “The good news is that this was detected very early.”
“What’s the bad news?” I couldn’t wait for him to give me the run around. If I was going to die, I wanted to know immediately. I couldn’t take it anymore.
“The area that we biopsied came back malignant.”
Colt squeezed my hand, but said nothing. I could barely get the words out. “So, I have cancer? Am I going to die?”
He put his hands up. “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, Mrs. Mitchell. The first thing I would recommend doing is a surgical procedure to remove the mass. If we act now, we can stop the spreading to surrounding areas.”
“So, you can just remove it and I’ll be cancer free?”
“Not exactly. Removing the mass is just the first step. Once we remove the malignant tumor, we can then do a thorough check to make sure that your body is cancer free. Unfortunately, once you have this, is more likely to come back. Many women end up getting mastectomies as a preventative procedure.”
I was crying, but still able to talk. “You want me to cut off my breasts?”
“I usually give my patients the option upon early detection. Listen Mrs. Mitchell, one in eight women will experience what you’re going through right now. Even men can get breast cancer. Early detection, as is your case, is the best result. We are able to attack the cells before they can broadcast themselves to other organs. It is impertinent that we remove it as soon as possible. However, I would recommend one round of radiation and then we will retest after that.”
“Is there a chance that I could die?”
He took a deep breath. “Cancer is ugly. It takes lives and I’m not going to sugar coat things for you. Right now, where we stand, I have no reason to believe that you can’t beat this. However, you’re going to have to be monitored for the rest of your life. If or when it does come back, we’ll catch it early enough to treat. I tell all of my patients the same thing. You need to take it one day at a time. You absolutely can not dwell on the negative aspects of this. I realize you have a million emotions rolling through your mind, but I do think we can get you through this.”
He was right about the emotions. I felt like I was going to be sick. As the vomit reached my mouth, I ran out in search of a toilet.
Even after I’d finished getting sick, I slouched down on the cold tile floor and lost control. How could this be happening to me? I was always so healthy. I went to church, said my prayers, and tried to be the best person I could be. What did I ever do to deserve this kind of punishment?
A knock on the bathroom door startled me. “Savanna, darlin’, are you alright?”
I stood up and unlocked the door. Colt came in while I was wiping off my face. “I’m not okay. It’s never going to be okay again.” I cried so hard that I know everyone in that office could hear me. I didn’t even care. The doctor’s words continued to repeat in my mind. Over and over I heard him telling me that I had cancer.
“He said we can beat this.”
“He doesn’t know for sure. What if it’s already spread through my body? What am I going to do? How are we going to tell the kids?”
He held me close and rubbed my back. “I ain’t goin’ to lose you, Savanna.”
He could say that as many times as he wanted. It wouldn’t change the fact that I could be dying.
Once he talked me out of the bathroom, the doctor was already with other patients. He had given Colt a bunch of information to take home and go over. The front desk clerk scheduled my first surgery in one week’s time. It was all just happening so fast that I felt like my life was spinning out of control.
Colt was quiet as he drove us home. I leaned my head against the glass window and sobbed. He could have been crying too, but I didn’t have the strength to look his way to see. I just couldn’t handle it.
When we got home, he came around to my side of the vehicle and helped me out of the car. He kept his arm around me until I was laying down on the couch, but still said nothing. Maybe he knew I couldn’t deal with talking about it, or maybe he was just as broken up as I was about it.
After he got me some tea, he went into his office and closed the door. I could hear the murmurs of him talking on th
e phone. I knew he was calling the family. He was trying to be respectful, but just knowing he was in there telling everyone I loved my bad news, was difficult. I almost felt like I just wanted to get through it all by myself, instead of them worrying about me.
I could hear my cell phone vibrating in my purse. It had been doing it for a while and I couldn’t handle talking to anyone.
When Colt came out of the office, he heard it and pulled it out. I could see the look on his face and knew who had called. He pushed the blanket to the side and sat down on the edge of the couch. “How are you doin’?”
I shrugged. “Not good. When do the kids get home?”
“Your parents are keepin’ them. I think your dad said they are going to take them to bible school tonight, so they won’t think anything of it.”
“How did they take the news?” Right away, my eyes began to burn.
He took his hat off and tossed it on the table, then wiped his face with one of his hands. “They’re upset. They kept askin’ me a bunch of questions.”
“I can only imagine what they must be feeling. I’m their only child. They moved here to be close to me. What will happen if this takes my life?”
He turned and looked me right in the eyes. I could see the pain that he was carrying. His eyes were red and I knew he’d gotten emotional in his office. “It ain’t goin’ to. Savanna, please stop talkin’ like that. You’ve got so much to live for, darlin’. I don’t think I could live a single day without you. We all need you. I don’t care how hard it gets. You’re goin’ to fight this. You hear me?”
I nodded but continued to cry. I hated this so much. It was so difficult.
“When you went into the bathroom, the doctor told me that he thinks you have a good chance at beatin’ this. Darlin’, I know you can. I’ve seen you fight for what you want.”
With every feeling playing heavy on my mind, there was one thing that I knew for certain. “I won’t give up! I promise.”
He leaned over and kissed me. “That’s my girl.” He smiled, just enough to show me he was proud. Then he reached over and handed me my phone. “You better call Ty. He’s sent you several messages and I know he’s worried.”
I didn’t feel like talking, but I certainly didn’t want him jumping on a plane again, so I called Ty.
It’s about time.
I didn’t feel like talking.
Well, you can’t just leave me hanging. I knew Colt wasn’t going to call. I had to hear it from Conner. Do you know how sucky that was for me?
Can you not make this about you? I have bigger problems than wondering who knows my business.
So, now what happens?
They are going to go in and remove it.
Then you’re out of the woods?
No. I have to do one round of radiation.
Will you lose your hair? I bet you’d be hot bald.
I couldn’t believe he was joking around, but it did make me laugh.
Stop joking around.
If I were you, I’d wear a clown wig. That would be fucking funny.
I’m going to hang up on you, if you don’t stop.
I’m sorry. I went online and did some research. Did you know that if you get a double mastectomy, it decreases your chances of it coming back by a lot.
I can’t believe I am talking to you about this, but my doctor told me that as well.
So, are you going to do it?
I don’t know! I’m scared.
Colt will still love you, Van. If that’s what’s keeping you from doing it, you need to rethink that decision. He wants you healthy. It’s all that matters to him.
I know.
Did you know they can tattoo nipples back on the skin? I’ve been looking at nipple tattoos for the past hour. I tried to show Miranda how cool it was. She smacked the shit out of me and called me an insensitive asshole.
I burst into laughter. I just couldn’t help it. The day had been so horrible and only Ty could make a joke out of something so serious. I didn’t know if I was just being ridiculous, or I really found him funny. He wasn’t trying to be a jerk. He wanted me to have a reason to smile. Ty wanted me to be able to see something funny out of what I feared. He wanted to know that every single time I thought about that surgery, I thought about the funny things he’d said. I loved him for that.
You are disgusting and definitely an asshole!
I can’t help myself. You know I can’t do serious. Whoever created sadness is an asshole!
Yeah, you got that right.
Where’s your hubby? Is he still planning my demise?
No! he’s right here.
He still doesn’t want to talk to me?
Not yet.
What a douche. Is he treating you good? Do I need to come out there and knock him around?
I started laughing again. Ty had never been able to take on Colt and he knew it. He’s being wonderful.
Miranda said to tell you she loves you. She also said that if you don’t call her, she’s going to send the boys to live with you and Colt.
I laughed again. Okay, I promise I will call her. Just give me some time. I need to get my feelings in order first.
I get it. Listen, if you need to smile, you know where to find me. I’m only a phone call away. I’d do anything to take this pain away from you, Van. You’re the best person that I’ve ever known. We all love you so much.
I started to sob. I love you all, too.
Colt took the phone and put it back in my purse. He sat back down and gave me all of his attention. “We don’t have to talk about anything until you’re ready.
“I know.”
“Savanna, do you even know how my people love you? Do you get how many hearts you reached out and touched? You don’t have to go through this alone, darlin’. You will never be alone. I promise.”
I don’t know if it was that exact moment, but I became determined to do whatever I needed to do to get through this. I had children to raise and a family to grow old with. I wasn’t going to let some little mass in my breast end my life. Not when I had a million reasons to live.
Chapter 26
Colt
I think hearing someone has cancer is hard for anyone to handle, but hearing it about your own wife is indescribably hard. This was the woman that I promised to love for the rest of my life. If she was taken from me prematurely, I didn’t know how I would survive. I’d always considered myself a good father, but I couldn’t be the parent that she was. She was the rock of our family and without her we would crumble.
Savanna took the news as I would have expected her to. She shut down, and in between bouts of crying, she just laid around. Nobody could blame her. It was her only coping mechanism. Even I couldn’t imagine everything she was going through.
With her surgery being nearly a week away, she did her best to pretend things were okay when the kids were around. We’d made the decision to keep it from them. Children worried and didn’t understand things like that anyway. She didn’t want to burden them with that.
By the end of the week, she had thrown herself into a wedding for Joe and Barbie. She and the girls had gone out and picked real flowers and they’d turned our dining room into a place fit for a proper wedding. She’d even gone out and bought the girls matching dresses and Barbie a wedding gown. They made invitations and invited their grandparents. It was cute and it kept her mind off of things just enough that she could get by.
She didn’t know it, but I was so proud of her. Even at her worst, she was still one hell of a mother. It just reminded me of what would happen if we ever lost her. I hated thinking about it, but with everything going on, it still popped in my head all too frequently.
The wedding of Joe and Barbie was commenced by Savanna’s father after we’d all returned from church. Both my mom and Savanna’s had brought a spread of food. We spent that Sunday celebrating as if they were real people. To the kids, it was for fun, but I think in some ways Savanna just wanted a reason to have the family around wi
thout having to talk to them about her health. While us guys, including Noah, settled in the living room to watch basketball, Savanna and our mother’s stayed in the kitchen. I wasn’t sure what they talked about, but she seemed to be in a good mood after everyone left.
After the kids were asleep, I found her soaking in the bathtub. It was full of bubbles and her head was laying against a towel. She saw me come in the bathroom and smiled. “Hey.”
“Today was fun.”
“Thanks for going along with it. The girls will never forget it.”
I sat down on the edge of the tub and ran my fingers in the water. “Is that why you did it? Savanna, please don’t tell me you went all out because you are afraid your time is limited. You promised me you wouldn’t be like that.”
She looked sad. “I just want them to have good memories, no matter what happens. Is that so bad?”
“It is when you’re doin’ it because you think you’re not goin’ to be around.” I hated even saying it out loud.
She shook her head and got tears in her eyes. “You’re right. I guess I’m just scared. There are so many ‘what ifs’.”
I didn’t know what to say to that, so instead of using any words at all, I started taking off my clothes. Savanna gave me that look and I knew that she was okay with my actions. She scooted over to allow me room to slide in behind her. I reached forward and pulled her body back against mine. The soapy water made it easy to slide my hands down her arms and then back up again. Savanna laid her head back against my chest. She lifted one of her arms and reached it back behind my neck to pull my head down to kiss her. Our lips lingered, like they didn’t want to separate. She even spun her body around and wrapped her slippery legs around my waist. The tub made sounds as our bodies became pretzeled together. With her sitting on top of me, I couldn’t help but become instantly hard. Her wet hair was stuck to the sides of her arms. I moved it out of the way and kissed over her neck. She turned so I could have an open area to caress. Her body was hot from the temperature of the water. Sweat was already starting to form on my forehead.
Blinding Trust Page 18
