Also by Robb Pearlman
Spoiler Alert: Bruce Willis Is Dead and 399 More Endings from Movies, TV, Books, and Life
Copyright © 2012 by Robb Pearlman
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying and recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, except as may be expressly permitted in writing from the publisher. Requests for permission should be addressed to Globe Pequot Press, Attn: Rights and Permissions Department, PO Box 480, Guilford CT 06437.
Lyons Press is an imprint of Globe Pequot Press.
Layout: Joanna Beyer
Project editor: Kristen Mellitt
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available on file.
ISBN 978-0-7627-8043-3
Printed in the United States of America
E-ISBN 978-0-7627-8674-9
Just referencing the
Comic Book Guy makes this the
Best. Haiku. Ever.
Anticipation.
Heady thrill of not knowing.
Mmm, blind packaging.
Wednesday’s too far in
the space-time continuum.
New comic book day.
There’s nothing quite like
Shakespeare in original
Klingon. Classic lit.
I support local
independent booksellers.
“Large skim latte, please.”
Kane, Schuster, Siegel,
Lee, Kirby, Fox, and Finger,
these are names to know.
Gelflings and Hobbits
should, in theory, be besties,
but I could be wrong.
Vampires/Buffy,
The Walking Dead/well-placed ax.
It’s a yin-yang thing.
X-Men/Magneto,
JLA/Darkseid. Can’t we
all just get along?
Who’s faster, the Flash
or Superman? This is a
debate without end.
Eight Words: Doomed planet.
Desperate Scientists. Last
Hope. Kindly Couple.
Jason, Damian,
and Stephanie can all just
kiss Dick Grayson’s ass.
Batwoman won’t work
Fridays after sundown or
on Rosh Hashanah.
He’s responsible
for more square miles than them all.
Don’t dis Aquaman.
The Royal Flush Gang
doesn’t know what happens there’s
supposed to stay there.
Widow, Cat, Panther
Bolt, Lightning, or Canary,
Black is beautiful.
It’s a well-known fact:
Cyclops is kind of a douche.
Jean Grey has bad taste.
Red Skull is Elrond
is Mr. Smith. What thread is
this Hugo Weaving?
Does everything stretch?
’Cause you could make mad money,
Mr. Fantastic.
Reed Richards, meet Eel
O’Brian and Ralph Dibny.
Oh, it’s on, bitches.
If I had a type,
I’d say simple and carefree:
Comic Sans Serif.
Nobody believes
me. That’s what happens when you
date Sue Storm Richards.
Saved the universe,
but I’m totally bummed out.
Girlfriend’s in the fridge.
My asthma kicks in
and I throw up in my mouth.
Girl in comic store.
Wish I lived before
Comics Code Authority
made skirts much longer.
Ororo Munroe
and Mari Jiwe McCabe,
my African queens.
Every day it goes
where no man has gone before,
Uhura’s earpiece.
At four, I lost my
heart to an older woman:
Wilma Flintstone, MILF.
Someday we will find
the right vehicle for you,
Eliza Dushku.
From my perspective,
panties have firewalls that are
password protected.
She stopped before she
touched me down there. Again, life
has blocked my pop-up.
When we get girlfriends,
many things will change for us.
Yeah, wishful thinking.
Virgin. Gamer. I
try to vary things, but still
my right arm’s bigger.
So much changed after
you got laid, but I’m the same.
Crisis on my Earth.
Eartha, Halle, Anne,
Lee, Julie, Michelle—I get
a lot of pussy.
7 of 9 +
BSG’s 6 = fun.
(I majored in math.)
From Ms. Pac Man to
Ms. Lara Croft, Title IX
funding FTW!
You’re such a nice girl.
Please don’t disappear on me
like Kitty Pryde did.
A pat excuse not
to date me, but guess what: I
am Y, the Last Man!
Took thirty years, but
I have a new girlfriend. Thanks,
MMRPG!
I like pillow talk,
like “Glasses are sexy,” and
“Go get ’em, Tiger.”
I see Valeris.
Girlfriend sees Samantha Jones.
Sex and the City.
The buns are OK,
but I really want you to
dress like Slave Leia.
I love you so much
that your engagement ring will
be The Dark Crystal.
You made me a man,
then mixed up Wars and Trek. I’m
breaking up with you.
Like Lana and Gwen,
you were ahead of the curve.
First girlfriend syndrome.
I will wear a tux
and a custom fez when I
marry Amy Pond.
Regenerated
Abbot and Costello are
Doctor Who’s on first.
Lightsaber chopsticks
turn ordinary pad thai
into Padmé Thai.
I’d go back in time
to be surprised again. “No,
I am your father.”
I’m such a badass:
Bantha skull shoulder tattoo.
Please don’t tell my dad!
Dad won’t admit it,
but let’s face it, my brother:
I’m Thor; you’re Loki.
Dad didn’t get it.
>
He wanted me to play ball.
Now I own the team!
Computers are good
for more than just watching porn.
Do you hear me, Dad?
Eyes squint in daylight.
Mom still does my laundry. I
live in her basement.
Mom wants me outside,
but then how will I know when
people read my blog?
In brightest day, in
blackest night, no ev—… MOM!—WHAT?
I’m doing something!
Thought I’d be rich now,
but my plan was thwarted when
Mom sold my comics.
Sad when Granny passed,
but was beside myself when
Mrs. Summers died.
Asgard, Gotham, Hoth,
Middle Earth, Winterfell, Oz,
there’s no place like home.
My summer job sucks.
Days spent skimming hair away.
Pool boy on Kashyyyk.
Nothing you can say
will stop me from wearing a
T-shirt on the beach.
I can’t help you move.
No, my car’s totally fine.
Star Trek marathon.
I never knew the
joy of musicals before
Dr. Horrible.
I was all alone,
then your music spoke to me,
“Weird” Al Yankovic.
Spidey on Broadway?
Suspension of disbelief
has its limits, dude.
The birdhouse in my
soul is filled up with tweets from
They Might Be Giants.
Small apartment, but
I can really spread out here
on the holodeck.
The Baxter Building
allows flames but not smoking.
Co-op boards are weird.
Special packaging
on this Blu-ray set’s cool but
won’t fit on my shelf.
Ikea shelves are
hard to assemble with a
sonic screwdriver.
I yell in my sleep,
“Thunder-Thunder-Thundercats!”
My roommate hates me.
Don’t blame me for not
knowing what you mean. You do
not have thought bubbles.
You misread the die.
He clearly rolled a twenty.
Bad Dungeon Master!
I think it’s funny,
you laugh for the wrong reason.
Ironic T-shirt.
You still use Hotmail,
and you ate my Hot Pocket.
You’re a bad roommate.
Yeah? Well, you know what?
I’d still hate your stupid face
over on Earth-2.
Romulans? Um, no.
Ever hear of the Borg, jerk?
Why do we hang out?
You misspoke when you
said Iron Man was a droid.
Effing idiot.
Your words can’t hurt me.
Neither can your sticks and stones.
Adamantium.
What are you doing,
Dave? Dave? What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Hanging with my friends,
but thanks to the Internet
I’m still all alone!
There is nothing like
watching movies with friends on
MST3K.
Superman made me
believe a man can fly and
dams can fall apart.
Will give it a shot,
but if the film sucks I will
so blog about it.
Camped out at theater
overnight. Twenty bucks for
IMAX. Please don’t suck.
Waited in line for
two days for these seats, lady.
Shut that baby up!
RealD glasses don’t
fit over my prescription.
I’m stuck with 2D.
Not how it happened,
origin story altered.
Adaptations. Ugh.
The trilogy just
ended. Now there’s a new one?
Reboot this, asshole.
Chronologically
X-Men: First Class doesn’t work
as a true prequel.
Though kind of clunky,
mechanical web shooters
really do make sense.
The blond or redhead?
For a nerd, Peter Parker
has some tough choices.
The red pill or blue?
The real choice should have been to
stop after one film.
Not stalking you, but
the sequels were really bad,
and you should know it.
Milla Jovovich
makes anything watchable.
Resident Evil.
No cash to spare, but
I’ll buy whatever is up
for Kate Beckinsale.
There’s something so right
about a movie as wrong
as Starship Troopers.
The day after a
Chris Nolan premiere should be
a nerd holiday.
Dead before its time.
Oh, Paramount, why did you
Deep Space Nine my heart?
Basic cable’s fine.
All I need are G4 and
The Big Bang Theory.
BBCA is
to Syfy as chips are to
fries. Hail, Britannia!
Thought I’d seen it all,
but Blu-ray proved me wrong. The
saga is complete.
Wrote a brilliant book.
No one sees the subtlety.
Klingon’s hard to get.
Rage and confusion.
The world is turned upside down.
Hugo Award snub.
The birds are singing
on this great Alderaan day!
Hey, what’s that in the—
Only member of
the Alderaan Optimists
Society. Sigh.
Like a Romulan
cloaking device covering
my soul, I am shy.
Pocket protector,
you keep my chest safe and warm,
Nerd Haiku Page 1
