yet my heart grows cold.
I sit on sidelines,
but unlike the quarterback
I rock at Madden.
I’m not myopic,
and I play football . . . somewhere
in the Multiverse.
You prefer games of
strength and agility. I
prefer Game of Thrones.
I’m well prepared for
a zombie apocalypse.
Are you, pretty boy?
Tell Ryan Seacrest
January 1st now starts
The New 52.
1, 2, tap-tap-tap.
I’m obsessive compulsive.
1, 2, tap-tap-tap.
5 7 5 hard.
Structure too strict for art form.
Hulk no like haiku.
Teach the children well:
4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3 is
the way to watch them.
Star Trek movie rule:
The reboot notwithstanding,
evens are better.
Your fingers are too
fat for small touch screens. Meek shall
inherit the earth.
Feel bad for Pluto.
His master’s a mouse, and now
he’s not a planet.
2001 was
more Kubrick’s The Shining than
a space odyssey.
Speech Therapist! To
Dagobah must you come. Bad
syntax do I have.
Red Dead Redemption
and two piece and a biscuit.
Big Saturday night.
“Captain’s Log, stardate . . . ”
totally sounds better than
“Dear Diary,” right?
Must keep my nerd cred.
I’ve never played D&D.
Don’t say anything.
Blue, round, and fast, you’re
a credit to your species,
Sonic the Hedgehog.
Allergic to hay,
but Farmville lets me claim that
I am outdoorsy.
My fear of Mott’s stems,
over the rainbow, from those
apple trees in Oz.
It’s lonely, but it’s
better to be feared than loved.
My World of Warcraft.
Game Stop offered me
a job because I know more
than the current staff.
Workspace was perfect
until you messed it all up,
you damn dirty ape.
Desktop ruled by a
fully articulated
Cobra Commander.
Professional with
an obscure quote at the end.
My email footer.
Matthew Broderick,
global thermonuclear
war. Career path set.
00110101
00110111
(Binary Haiku)
You need IT help?
OK, one question for you:
Did you turn it on?
No login needed,
so what I really mean is
You. Shall. Not. Password!
Skynet stock will climb
before plummeting along
with humanity.
Toasters were harmless.
Battlestar Galactica
changed all that for me.
It’s the new iPhone,
not the Droid, I’m looking for
in this year’s stocking.
Learned how to drive a
stick and customize just to
steer Optimus Prime.
Starship Enterprise,
the Millennium Falcon.
I have . . . a Honda.
DMV won’t put
NCC-1701
on my license plates.
A hybrid car, hmm?
Does it come loaded with a
flux capacitor?
The Go-Bots are the
Hydrox to the Transformers’
Oreo cookies.
Harley Davidson
could get nerds on a hog with
a Tron Light Cycle.
Barbara Gordon and
Professor Xavier
get great parking spots.
Sure, he can fix a
flat, but can he speak Elvish?
I didn’t think so.
Hippocratic Oath,
yet Kaylee’s feelings were hurt.
Doctor Simon Tam.
Dammit, Jim! I’m a
doctor. My prime directive?
Paying off med school.
Who needs a degree?
All you need are snacks and a
Mystery Machine.
Your plan went awry.
You forgot to account for
us meddling kids. Zoinks!
Saturday mornings
I wake up early to play
with my Super Friends.
I can watch Tweety
again and again. But the
Raven? Nevermore.
Spidey, Lucius, and
The Electric Company
taught me how to spell.
Searching for a word
that will bring you to your knees.
Scrabble tournament.
Forgot vacuum has
two us. Space and spelling bee
judges abhor me.
In retrospect, six
was just a little young to
see The Exorcist.
The kids may not care,
but you and I both know that
Han shot Greedo first.
Hours in line, but
heatstroke will not keep me from
Star Tours at Disney.
You want to sound like
a droid or alien? Use
a British accent.
Taking the Great Dane
to the Ren Fair. It’s OK,
the saddle fits him.
Maybe my cat’s name
is Schrödinger. Or is it?
We will never know.
Highly allergic,
I named my pet fish Krypto.
It’s just not the same.
I am the only
one here wearing a red shirt.
This will not end well.
That didn’t work out.
Things got really out of hand.
I need a Time Lord.
I wear a bow tie
because you think it is cool,
Eleventh Doctor.
Tuxedo T-shirt
and new Chuck Taylors for the
black-tie reception.
Holds my iPhone and
Blackberry. Real leather, too.
Utility belt.
Question: Why do I
knit Cthulhu hats? Answer:
Because I Lovecrafts.
Blue blazer over
Super Grover T-shirt is
business casual.
Juicy Juice and some
Smurfberry Crunch are just part
of a good breakfast.
Better than coffee,
bigger jolt than Red Bull: the
power of Grayskull!
Spilled soup all over,
but this fur is forgiving.
Dressed like a Wookie.
I spent every dime
for this Cosplay masquerade.
Put on the damn cape.
My costume cost more
than I spent on food last year.
Take my picture. Please.
I feel tall and thin
and socially adjusted.
I like ComicCon.
ComicCon’s the place
where I can achieve my dream:
Do Wonder Woman.
I’m bald, so costume
choices are limited to
Picard or Luthor.
Uploads take too long,
and there’s a line for nachos.
Too many nerds here.
Thank you, E.T., but
no Reese’s Pieces for me.
Peanut allergy.
Have a stomachache.
Might be gas, but just in case:
Get Newt to safety.
Telemarketers?
I would much rather get the
Call of Cthulhu.
Hey, Rupe? Perry White
and J. Jonah Jameson
would never hack phones.
Maester, not master.
Lannister, not banister.
Damn autocorrect.
Can’t sleep, wondering:
Will werewolves or mermaids be
the next vampires?
The only teams I
wasn’t picked last for were Teams
Edward and Jacob.
Wolverine kicks ass.
Adamantium and ’tude?
I’d go gay for him.
The hottest part of
Scott Pilgrim vs. the World?
Not all boy exes.
Frodo and Samwise,
Archie and Jughead, too. Guys,
it’s time to come out.
Keep your Robin Hood.
I can do you one better:
the man they call Jayne.
With great power comes
great responsibility?
Way too much pressure.
Dear Housekeeping: Please
vacuum under the bed, too.
I may have Tribbles.
I never go down
to the basement for laundry.
The C.H.U.Ds will get me.
OK, I get that
“Knowing is half the battle.”
What’s the other half?
We’re the 99!
Occupy Arrakis! Screw
CHOAM Corporation!
I refuse to eat
50-year-old Soylent Green.
Too many hormones.
LARPing sounds stranger
than live-action role-playing,
but it saves me time.
Martin needs more time?
He had better hurry up.
Winter is coming.
Early adopter,
I’m now suffering from bad
newer gen envy.
When I go shopping,
I wait for back-to-school sales
on Diagon Alley.
Out of the way, kid.
This toy’s marketed to the
adult collector.
The cutest little
Sith Lord from here to Nabu.
Lego Darth Vader.
Santa, take me to
the Island of Misfit Toys.
It’s where I belong.
So we’re just supposed
to forget the Smoke Monster?
I still don’t get it.
Too long to explain.
Netflix all of the seasons,
and then we can talk.
Things don’t always make
sense, like poverty, crime, or
invisible jets.
I’d like to thank the
below, but not in haiku.
This nerd’s exhausted.
Ethan Collings, Jessica Fuller, David Harmon, Gene Hult, Jono Jarrett, James Jayo, Linda Kaplan, Nellie Kurtzman, Linda Pricci, Mary Robinson, David Rosen, Mitchell Waters, Leah Whisler, and all of the writers, artists, creators, Jedi, Federation Officers, Time Lords, Hobbits, Kryptonians, and Asgardians who give us something to live for.
Nerd Haiku Page 2
