Zeke

by Wodke Hawkinson

  Sue wiped the tears away and looked out the window. It would soon be dusk and she needed to go home and study. In reality, she should have gone to the library instead of meeting Zeke. She just couldn’t pass up any opportunity to see him and had given in to her impulses. Now, she wavered, her anger fading.

  Zeke flung his hair back with a toss of his head and reached for the keys to start the van.

  “Wait.” Although ashamed of the pleading tone in her voice, Sue couldn’t allow them to part on bad terms. “Please don’t be this way.”

  “Well, I don’t want to be, Sue, but you’ve kind of pushed this mood. Wouldn’t you say?” He paused, hands still on the keys.

  “What I would say,” Sue spoke slowly, as she crawled into the front seat, “is that we’ve just had a little misunderstanding. That’s all.”

  “A misunderstanding?” A crafty smile crossed Zeke’s face. “Come here.”

  Sue leaned toward him and he kissed her tenderly. Her heart ached from holding simultaneous opposing feelings for him. She threw her arms around his neck and gave herself over to the sensation of his lips on hers. “I’m crazy about you, Zeke.” Her heart was already plotting to forgive him, and her mind looked on with interest.

  He pulled back after a moment and started the van. With a hard look in her direction, he said, “I’m crazy about you too; but you’re gonna have to deal with your father fixation, sooner or later.”

  She felt he’d doused her in ice water. “What?”

  He backed the van up, put it into drive, and pulled onto the road back to town. “You see, baby, it’s all good. Nothing that you desire is wrong. Nothing that feels good to you is bad. And, by the way, you can lay on top of me anytime you want. You can pretend I’m your daddy. You can have what you want with no guilt attached.”

  “I don’t like what you’re hinting at.” Sue crossed her arms and stared out the window at the darkening sky. Hurt fell over her like a suffocating blanket. She’d had a glimpse into Zeke’s mind and it disappointed her, almost to the point of grief. It was like discovering someone you loved dearly had a disease living inside his body, or finding an unacceptable imperfection hidden within a precious stone. They rode in silence.

  Back at her car, Sue looked expectantly at Zeke before getting out of the van. He turned fond eyes on her. “Bunny, I love you. You know that, right?”

  “I guess,” Sue whispered.

  “But the thing is, I’m a grown man. You, on the other hand, act like a child sometimes. The immaturity...well, it’s hard to deal with.” His expression was earnest, a bit pained.

  Sue’s heart slammed in her chest. He’s breaking up with me!

  “I need to be with a woman who’ll let me be myself. Someone I can share my thoughts with. All my thoughts. You know, say anything to, instead of walking around on eggshells. Complete openness.” He lit another cigarette and turned to blow the smoke out the window. His face took on a distant look as he stared straight ahead out the windshield. “Don’t get me wrong, Susie. I’m fucking nuts about you. How could I not be? Those puppy dog eyes, the way you melt up against me, that sweet little snatch of yours. It’s heady stuff. But I guess what I’m saying is, I need a mature woman, a woman who’s not afraid of her own feelings. You know?”

  Sue clutched the hem of her shirt in her hands. Her palms were damp with sweat. “But we have something special. You said so yourself.”

  “We do. But it might not be enough. Look, maybe I’m just not the man for you. Maybe you need a boy, someone closer to your emotional age.” Zeke inhaled deeply and held the smoke inside for a moment before exhaling in a slow gray stream. “I don’t know.”

  Sue swallowed hard. “I don’t want anyone else.”

  Zeke tossed his cigarette out the window and turned to face her. He looked thoughtful before paraphrasing some lines he’d read once in a men’s magazine. “I’m a sensual adventurer, Sue. I want to explore the passion I feel, really dig into the heart of it, the dark parts, too. I wanted to take you on that journey with me. But if you don’t want to go, that’s fine. Maybe you need a few days to think it over.”

  “No.” Sue clutched his arm. “Please, Zeke. I want to be with you. I want it worse than anything I’ve ever wanted in my life. I don’t need to think it over.”

  “Get out of the van, Sue.” Zeke’s voice was gentle, but the underlying threat was obvious: she might never see him again. “Go on home, little girl.”

  Sue bit her lip as tears ran down her cheeks. She pulled the door open, but didn’t get out. “I can’t believe this is happening. I love you, and you don’t seem to even care.”

  His features rearranged themselves; a look of agony crossed his face. “I care, Sue. I care way more than I should, way more than is good for me.”

  Sue was ready to beg outright if necessary; she could barely hold back her sobs. But if she begged, would he think of her as even more of a child? What would a mature woman do under these circumstances? How would a sophisticated lady handle it? Sue didn’t know the answer so she kept silent.

  Zeke tenderly caressed her cheek. “This hurts me, too, sweetheart. It hurts me more than you’ll ever know. I’ll call you in a few days, okay? We’ll see how things are then.” His voice caught in his throat, as if he were on the verge of tears himself, and the sound sent a soft wave of pain through Sue. “Go on now, bunny.”

  Sue nodded and stumbled from the van to her car. Zeke drove away without a backward glance. He smiled as he headed home. Gotcha, he thought.

  For the next three days, Sue was a wreck. She could hardly stop crying. Pretending she had the flu, she stuck mostly to her room. It wasn’t far from truth as her stomach was so upset that eating was the last thing on her mind. Her mother faithfully brought her soup and Sprite. She’d hold it together long enough to set her mom’s mind at ease, but once the door closed she’d sink once again into misery.

  Finally, on the third evening, Sue gave in to temptation and dialed his number. “Zeke, it’s me. I just wanted to tell you I’m sorry and you can talk about whatever you want with me. I swear I won’t get upset at you again…Well, that’s all I really wanted to say.” He didn’t return her call.

  An hour later, she called again. “Zeke, honey, it’s Sue. I miss you. I’ve really been thinking about what you said, and I wish you’d call me so we can talk things over. Okay, well, bye.” Still no response.

  Her fingers trembled as she tried again. “It’s Sue. I just wanted to say I understand your points and I was wrong. I shouldn’t have been so touchy. I’m not childish, Zeke. I’m really not. Give me another chance, and I’ll prove it to you.” He didn’t call back.

  Though she tried hard not to call him anymore, she caved several more times. Eventually she spoke into the phone, defeated. “Okay, Zeke. I give up. I can accept that I won’t be your girlfriend anymore. But can we please at least stay friends? We are friends, aren’t we? Call me. Okay, bye.”

  Only the fear of devastating rejection prevented her from trying to catch him outside the bookstore to plead her case.

  By coincidence during that time, a stroke of luck in Zeke’s estimation, the air conditioning broke at Re-Books. The owner decided to use the situation as an opportunity to have a new system installed, granting his employees an unexpected three-day vacation.

  Zeke lounged poolside at Mrs. Harrington’s, an icy drink in hand, while repairs were made at the shop. Each time a message came in from Sue, Zeke listened with a bored smirk before deleting it. While Cyrus baked under a rare summer heat wave and Sue stewed in the bitter juices of anxiety, Zeke remained cool and untouched.

  By day four, the nursing home supervisor was threatening to let Sue go if she didn’t come to work. She pointed out that there were a lot of young people out there that would be glad to have the job if Sue didn’t want it. So, although she still hurt more than she thought possible, Sue forced herself to get out of bed, showered, and drove to work.

  As she pulled into the parking lot, her ph
one rang. She looked at the display and her hopes soared. It was Zeke!

  “Hi, baby.” His voice sent thrills through her body like electrical shocks. “Can you talk?”

  “Oh, yes!” Sue maneuvered one-handed into a space, put her car in park, and shut off the engine. “Yes, I can talk. I just got to work, but I have about five minutes before I have to clock in.”

  “Sue, I’ve missed you so much. We have to work things out, honey. I can’t take being away from you. It’s like trying to live without air. I need you, bunny.”

  “I need you, too!” Sue sagged against the seat in relief. Her heart lifted.

  “What time do you get off tonight?”

  “I’ll be done by nine.”

  “Meet me in front of Re-Books. I’ll be waiting.” Zeke’s voice had resumed its normal lazy sound. “I need you, Sue.”

  “I’ll be there,” she promised while throwing a quick glance at her watch. “Bye.” She jumped from her car and practically danced across the parking lot. She felt like she had wings on her shoes.

  Time crawled by at work, but every time Sue thought of her upcoming meeting with Zeke, she felt light as air.

  When she arrived at Re-Books and saw him leaning against his van, waiting for her, her pulse picked up. She flung her door open, ran to him, and threw herself into his arms. With brazenness uncommon even for Zeke, they crawled into his van and made love right there on the spot, with a handful of pedestrians wandering by just outside their cozy den. The idea of people so close by was exhilarating to Sue, in a dirty sort of way.

  “What if they hear us?” she whispered with a quiet giggle.

  “It’d be a rush,” Zeke said as he moved inside her. “A rush.”

  Snoopy Sue

  Sue really couldn’t understand the need for their relationship to be secret. She was willing to go along to a certain extent, but it still didn’t make sense to her. Finally, she decided to put pressure on Zeke to take her to his house.

  “I wish I knew where you live,” she said wistfully. They were sitting at a table in the park, the heavy summer heat weighing them down like a wet quilt. She fanned her face with her hand.

  “It’s about time I told you something.” Zeke’s mouth set in a tight line. “My old lady’s got problems. She drinks. A lot.” He ducked his head.

  “Oh, I’m sorry.” Sue was immediately flooded with sympathy. “I had no idea.” She placed a gentle hand over his, but he pulled away.

  “I don’t like to talk about it. But you can see why I’d rather not take anyone home. It’s embarrassing. I never know what condition she’s going to be in.”

  “It’s okay,” Sue consoled. “I understand. I’m so sorry you have to deal with that.”

  A group of noisy children raced past, followed by a heavyset man with a handlebar moustache. He was carrying a can of beer and calling, “Slow down! Wait for me, dammit.” He glanced over at Sue and Zeke, but his eyes slid past them. He waddled by on thick stubby legs like a broken wobble toy.

  Sue waited for him to pass before speaking again. “You could have told me before, sweetie. I would have understood.”

  “Well, now you know why I don’t take you to my house.” Zeke’s eyes were hard. “I’d rather not take a chance on being humiliated, and I don’t need anyone’s pity.”

  “Sure,” Sue said. “No problem.”

  A light sweat glistened on Zeke’s forehead. He wiped it on the back of his arm. “Damn it, Sue. You just couldn’t give it a rest, could you? Had to keep badgering me. Snooping and poking around. I hope you’re satisfied, now that you’ve ruined our evening together.” He stared unseeing over the thirsty grass browning in the hot sun.

  “Zeke! I already dropped the subject!” Sue scooted closer to him on the bench. “And anyway, I wasn’t trying to hurt you or embarrass you. That wasn’t my intent at all. I just wanted to know more about you. Because I love you!”

  “I saw you, you know. The other night.”

  “Saw me? What do you mean?” A chill settled over Sue.

  “In the rearview mirror. Following me.”

  Sue blanched and started to speak, but Zeke cut her off. “Are you stupid enough to think I really wanted to go into that fishing shop? Look at me, Sue. Do I look like a fisherman?”

  Sue turned away, heart beating rapidly. She’d had no idea he’d spotted her tailing him. Her curiosity was just so strong. She’d waited outside Re-Books and followed his van when he’d left work. She’d only wanted a glimpse of his place, to know where he went every night. A flush of shame spread over her cheeks.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She tried to play it cool, but her hands trembled. She shoved aside his cutting words, knowing he didn’t really think she was stupid. It was the pain talking, not him.

  “You know what I did, Sue?” He clenched his jaw and he stared at her. His eyes were hard and cold. “I left out the back, snuck around the building, and stood right behind your car. You were so busy watching the front door, you didn’t even see me.”

  “Oh, god.” Sue buried her head in her hands. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t spying on you. Really. I just wanted to know...”

  “You wanted to see the shit-hole I live in? That it?”

  Sue groaned. “No! Well, I...I guess so.”

  “Well, I’ve got somewhere to be.” He got up suddenly, waves of displeasure emanating from him, a moody darkness like a blast of cold air.

  Feeling foolish and rejected, Sue followed him to the van, hating the stiff set of his shoulders. He ignored her when she climbed into the passenger seat. No matter what she said on the short ride back, he didn’t answer. She feared he would never want to see her again and she couldn’t bear it. But, at the last minute he gave her a sad smile. “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

  She sagged with relief. His bizarre way of twisting things, the verbal pictures he painted in her mind, the sensations he was able to coax from her body all combined somehow into a toxic mix, a drug that she couldn’t resist. No one had ever talked to her the way he did, and it simultaneously repelled and attracted her. He was a sickness for her, but she didn’t want a cure. Right or wrong, she wanted Zeke.

  Driving home, Zeke sulked. His presence was required at a dinner party. His job: dress up in a tux, be attentive to Mrs. Harrington in front of her stuffy guests, and make sparkling conversation. Of course, later she would flip a coin to decide whether he or Lazlo would share her bed first that night. Maybe she would press them both into service again. It was Mrs. Harrington’s call, of course. She was the organ grinder and he was her monkey. And he was getting tired of it.

  Mean Eugene

  Zeke had spread a blanket on the floor of an old deserted farmhouse about ten miles outside of town. Sue had her head in his lap, looking up at the peeling paper and dust-laden spider webs in the corners.

  Zeke watched intently as Sue reeled off a painful recollection of a Labor Day weekend years before. She set the scene with a vivid description; the details were still sharp in her mind.

  “I remember the savory smell of the barbeque, the sound of ice cubes clinking against the glass of the lemonade pitcher, and the sight of the Jell-O desserts all crowned with whipped cream toppings. The grown-ups milled around the house, but all the kids were shooed outside to play.

  “I didn’t want to play with my cousin, Eugene. Mean Eugene, I called him to myself. But, my mother pushed me outside. ‘Now go on, Susie,’ she said, ‘the grown-ups want to visit.’ Then she pulled the screen door shut behind her and told me to stay in the yard.

  “Eugene glared at me and made snorting sounds. He called my name like hog callers do. You know, like…Sue-eee. Then he whacked me in the arm and ran to the other side of the porch hollering. ‘You look like a piggy. Sue-eee!’

  “Now keep in mind that he was bigger than me. Still, I tried to stick up for myself. I yelled at him that I did not look like a pig! I couldn’t keep the tears out of my eyes, though.

  “He taunted me. ‘Yes
you do, you have a fat piggy snout and little piggy eyes. You’re ugly as a turd. That’s it; you’re a piggy turd!’”

  Sue did a perfect impression of the bully, right down to his nasal twang.

  “Guess what he did then? The tubby little brat pulled a rock from his pocket and threw it at me. It missed, but it would’ve really hurt me if it hadn’t. I screamed at him, telling him that he was mean, then I ran to the door and tried to open it, but it stuck, so I cried out for my mom.

  “I heard a chair scrape on the linoleum inside and my mother came to the door, a crease between her brows. She wanted to know what was the matter, and her voice sounded so weary, like I was being a nuisance. She asked me why I couldn’t play like all the other kids did.

  “My lips quivered as I told her about Eugene calling me names and throwing rocks at me. You know what she said?”

  Zeke shook his head but said nothing, not wanting to interrupt the flow of the tale.

  “She said she was sure he didn’t mean it, and then she gave him this tolerant look and said, ‘did you, Eugene?’

  “Of course, Eugene put on an innocent face and said he’d just been kidding. And she believed the little creep. Not me, her daughter. No, she believed Eugene. I felt totally abandoned as she turned and disappeared back into the kitchen.

  “The way my mom handled things only emboldened Eugene. He got even meaner and called me a tattletale and brace-face. He told me I’d better not go out in a storm with all that wire in my mouth or lightning would strike me dead. Then, he punched me in the arm again, snickered, and ran around the side of the house.

  “I crawled up on the porch swing and tried to make myself small. I held my arm, massaging the sore spot, which later turned into a deep purple bruise, and wished I could go into my room and draw with my crayons.

  “But our family gatherings seemed to have one hard and fast rule. Adults inside, children outside. The older kids were allowed to walk down to the park, but Eugene and I had to stay home. Over the years, I endured many of these miserable get-togethers. Until I was old enough to go the park with my other cousins, I was at the mercy of Mean Eugene.”