Finding Honor

by Ripley Proserpina

  “Do you?” Her head whipped toward him, and he had the good sense to blush.

  “I do. I admit, I don’t like to be wrong. But I do want to understand.”

  “You can’t possibly.” She dropped her head into her hands. “Ignore me. Please. I’m tired.”

  “I don’t want to.” They were close to home, but he wasn’t ready to stop talking. He remembered one of his counselors who’d helped integrate him into society. He’d take Cai for long car rides, the first half of which was usually silent, but by the ride home, he’d be unburdening his soul. He wondered if the same thing would work with Nora.

  “I care.”

  “Okay.” She didn’t believe him.

  “I do.”

  “Saying a thing over and over doesn't make it true. You have to actually believe it yourself.”

  “See?” he laughed. “Right there. You’re such a contradiction. Quiet, and then direct.”

  “Aren’t we all?” She turned to him. “I’m not unique. I’m not special. I say stupid things, and I have really, really bad luck.” Her hand went to her side and she began to rub it.

  Cai had to make a decision; either he went directly home so she could rest, or he took the long way and they sorted their shit out. He paused at the stop sign, long enough Nora looked at him in confusion. If he wanted honesty, he needed to start being honest.

  “I want to work things out,” he told her. “I didn’t give you a fair chance.”

  “You don’t owe me anything,” she answered quickly. “You’re letting me stay in your home, rent free. You’re feeding me. If you want to know something, ask me.”

  Her last statement seemed like a non-sequitur, but he decided to go with it.

  “Why couldn’t you sleep?”

  “Next question.”

  He burst out laughing. “Are you kidding me?”

  “I told you before, I’m not ready to talk about it.”

  “About why you couldn’t sleep.”

  “No.”

  “It doesn’t seem like a big thing.”

  “Really?” She turned to face him again. “What keeps you from sleeping, Cai?”

  When his face paled, she sat back in her seat. “It’s not an easy question to answer. I will answer it, but not yet.” She rubbed her side again. “You know what I mean. I can tell you do.”

  “Okay, Nora,” he whispered.

  His worries and his past still kept him awake at night. He did know what she was talking about. Again, he’d held her to a higher standard than he held himself. Given everything he knew about her, how could he believe she’d give voice to her nightmares? Especially to him. “But I might understand better than you think.”

  He turned down the road leading home. He saw the lights shining through the windows. They were all there, all awake, and probably waiting for Nora to return. He pulled into the driveway, swerving around Matisse’s car to park in front of Apollo.

  “Okay, Cai.” She opened the car door. In the light of the overhead bulb, her face was drawn and tired.

  “I’m sorry, Nora.”

  She gave him a half-smile. “For driving the long way?”

  He smiled back at her, guilt swamping him. He was sorry he pushed her for answers, sorry he'd driven the long way home when she was in obvious physical discomfort, sorry he judged her. “For everything.”

  She reached over, her thumb smoothing out the pucker forming between his eyebrows. “Everything isn’t your fault.”

  Cai stopped her when she would have pulled her hand away. He covered it with his, linking his fingers so his palm touched the back of her hand.

  “Hey!” Apollo called out to them from the front porch. He jogged down the stairs, smiling broadly at Nora. He reached into the car, pulling her into his arms and her hand out of Cai’s.

  By the time he grabbed his bag and got out of the car, Apollo had Nora wrapped in his arms. “I missed you. I haven’t seen you at all the last two days.”

  “I missed you, too.” He heard Nora’s muffled response.

  He drew back, putting his arm around her shoulders and kissing the top of her head. “How’d it go?” He was asking Nora, but looking at Cai, who couldn’t take his eyes off of Apollo’s arm and the way his hand rested on her shoulder. Every inch of his friend oozed caring and protection. He could see Nora’s tension and worry melt away.

  She leaned her head against his arm. “Good,” she answered. “I met a lot of nice people.” She yawned hugely, and he chuckled.

  “It seems like I always get you when you’re tired.” He scooped Nora so her legs were draped over his arms.

  “Night, Cai,” Apollo called.

  “Good night,” Cai answered, following them up the steps. He saw Nora’s small hand wave at him over Apollo’s shoulder.

  “Good night, Nora,” he continued, so quietly it was doubtful she heard him.

  Twenty

  Ryan’s Trust

  Nora let Apollo carry her up the stairs and into her room. He seemed honestly happy to see her. She stared at him closely, looking for subterfuge or ulterior motives.

  “You’re beat.” He placed her on the bed before sitting next to her and stroking her face. “You did too much today.”

  “You might be right,” she sighed and closed her eyes, letting her face rest in Apollo’s large hand. As she held it against her skin, she could feel cuts and scrapes along his knuckles. She opened her eyes, pulling his hand away from her face so she could examine it.

  “What happened to you?” His middle knuckle was split like he’d hit something.

  A dusky red appeared along his cheekbones. “Nothing. I’m fine. It’s from the gym.”

  “Ouch. Does it hurt? “She grabbed his other hand, but there were no wounds on it, and she let it drop. “Were you waiting up for me?”

  “Yeah.” He smiled, a dimple appearing in his cheek and he leaned forward.

  She saw the kiss coming, and met it eagerly. Her lips parted beneath his, and she touched his tongue with gentle thrusts and strokes of her own.

  He groaned deep in his throat. “You did miss me,” he whispered against her lips.

  “Duh,” she joked.

  Apollo’s hand dropped to her knee. His fingers worked against her inner leg and he tickled. Nora squealed, trying to get away from him. He laughed along with her, wrapping an arm around her waist so she couldn’t escape.

  “Apollo!” Matisse called.

  He sighed, giving her one more kiss before answering. ” Yeah?”

  “Your phone is blowing up.”

  There was a knock on Nora’s door and then Matisse stuck his head in. “It’s in the kitchen.”

  “You didn’t bring it?”

  Matisse raised an eyebrow, and he grunted. “Get some rest, okay?” he told her.

  She nodded, watching Apollo follow Matisse, who elbowed him good-naturedly in the ribs. Nora listened to them go downstairs before getting her sleep clothes. Inside her dresser was a package of underwear, a few pairs of sweatpants, and t-shirts.

  She studied the selection and sighed. She wondered how long the police would hold her personal items, and if it was possible to speed the process along. If she was going to get a job, she’d need more than Apollo’s old Brownington College sweatshirt to impress them.

  Ryan might know what she could expect.

  As soon as she thought about Ryan, she missed him. She’d spent days with him. He’d helped her get out of bed and downstairs. He made sure she ate, and she took her pain pills. With each passing moment, she wanted to see him more and more until she felt like she would crawl out of her skin if she didn’t lay eyes on him.

  Nora dropped her clothes on the bed and hurried down the hall to Ryan’s closed door. She rapped smartly, waiting. No one answered. She knocked again and when there was no answer, she felt an inordinate amount of disappointment.

  “Are you okay?”

  Nora turned around. She saw Ryan, a towel slung around his waist. Water dripped along h
is neck and across his chest. She watched a rivulet of water slide down his pec and dip into his belly button before being absorbed by the edge of the towel. She watched, hypnotized until he cleared his throat

  “Nora?” he asked, walking past her and opening his door. He turned around once he was inside. “Are you okay?”

  It was so good to see him. She didn’t think; she launched herself at him, wrapping her arms around his body and squeezing. “I really, really missed you.”

  His arms enfolded her hesitantly, and she wound hers tighter.

  “Are you okay?” he asked again and tried to pull away from her, but she wasn’t quite ready to let him go.

  She breathed him in and laid her head on his chest. His smell was sharper, more intense there. “I just wanted to check in. I haven’t seen you much, and I missed you.”

  She felt him sigh, and then she felt his cheek on her head. “I missed you, too.”

  She stayed there for a while, keeping her head on his chest, feeling his heart thump beneath her ear. It was soothing and agitating all at once. Eventually, he cleared his throat and pushed himself away from her. She let him go reluctantly and stepped away.

  “I… uh… I need to get dressed.” His face was red and his neck was flushed.

  She turned around. “I’ll be in my room.”

  “No, it’s okay. Hold on a sec.”

  Nora faced the door and waited. She could hear him opening drawers. She pictured him dropping his towel, reaching into drawers, pulling on his boxers. She almost dropped her head into her hands, covering her heated face as she pictured his body. He’d been smooth and hard beneath her cheek. His muscles were lean but defined.

  She felt his hand on her shoulder and jumped.

  “You’re tired.”

  “That’s what Apollo said.”

  At the mention of Apollo, he took a step backward. He raked his fingers through his hair, walking backward until he found the bed. “You and Apollo, huh?” He sat.

  She nodded. “Yes, but…”

  She couldn’t tell Ryan she had feelings for him; that she dreamed about him and imagined him pressed against her, his lips on hers and his fingers inside her.

  And then there was Matisse. Matisse made her laugh, and set her blood boiling.

  She couldn’t tell Ryan she had a moment with Seok today where his eyes weren’t filled with disdain, and he stepped between her and Detective Vance.

  She tore at a hangnail, wincing when she pulled at the delicate skin. How was she supposed to explain holding Cai’s hand against her cheek and not wanting to let go? So, yes, she had feelings for Apollo, but she had feelings for all of them.

  Ryan watched her patiently. “He’s a good man, Nora,” he finally said, staring at the floor.

  She sat next to him. Putting her hands on her knees, she gripped them tightly so she wouldn’t reach for him. “You are, too. You’ve done so much for me, Ryan. Letting me stay here, taking on my case, keeping me out of jail…”

  Ryan reached over, and took her hand. She closed her eyes, loving the feel of his fingers linked with hers. His hand was calloused and strong, and he made her feel anchored. His thumb traced hers. Without conscious thought, her hand lifted to his face, threading through his wet hair until she reached his neck. His tongue came out to wet his lips and she leaned forward. She wanted to capture his tongue, to taste it with her own. All thoughts flew out of her head, except Ryan, and this need for him burning in her blood, making her throb and ache.

  The moment before her lips touched his, she peered at him. He had his eyes open. Using her hand at the back of his neck, she urged his head to hers.

  It was the only control Ryan allowed her.

  As soon as their lips touched, he attempted to wrest it from her. She battled him, moaning, crawling on her knees and ignoring the pinch in her side. She threw one leg over his until she straddled him. His hands went to her waist, tracing her hips until he could cup her bottom in his hands. He kneaded it, and pulled her forward into the cradle of his lap. He lifted his hips, grinding his erection against her soft core. She moaned again and pushed back. She tore her mouth from his, gasping in breath before diving back for more.

  She sucked his tongue into his mouth when he would have controlled the kiss, and he bit her lip in retaliation. His hands left her butt, one gripping her neck and the other at her lower back. He tilted her head, holding her in place while his left hand encouraged the back-and-forth motion of her pelvis. The material of her pants was thin, and she could feel him, heavy and hard between her legs.

  Her core pulsed, she could feel the sticky wetness of her arousal slicking the inside of her panties. She needed to get closer. Her brain was lit up with joy, repeating to her, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan. She had him in her arms, her legs wrapped around him, and she only wanted to be closer. She wanted to feel him the way she had in her dreams.

  Nora gave his tongue one last stroke with her own before she slowly moved away from him. His eyes remained closed, a dreamy sort of arousal on his face. His ribs expanded with each breath, and a light sheen of sweat coated his upper lip. Unable to resist, she traced his upper lip with her tongue, closing her eyes when she tasted his flavor.

  She needed more.

  She watched him, her hands leaving his shoulders to trail along his arms to his waist. His breath came faster as she lifted his t-shirt and let her fingertips dip beneath his shorts.

  “Nora.” His words were a warning and a plea.

  She moved her hand, gliding her palm along his stomach until she could feel the coarse hair at his groin. He moaned and her eyes went to his face. His were shut tight, and he’d captured his lower lip between his teeth. With her free hand, she pulled his tempting lip free, laving it with her tongue, kissing and sucking it until he was chasing her lips. With a gentle nudge against his shoulder, he allowed her to push him backward.

  “I want to taste you,” she whispered, amazed at her courage. But this was Ryan, and she’d do anything for him, take any risk if it showed him what he meant to her.

  He nodded, his eyes opening and pinning her in place. She slowly dragged his shorts down his hips until his erection was free. She rubbed her nose against his stomach, breathing him in again and again, wanting to memorize his smell. She let her tongue dip into his naval, felt him suck in a breath, and then moved further down his body. She took him in her hand, like she had in her dream, except he was better than her dream. She couldn't smell or taste him in her dream the way she could now.

  “Nora, wait.”

  She sat upright immediately. Ryan's eyes were hooded, his color high. She could see how much he wanted her, but she saw something else: guilt. He had to be thinking about his friend. Nora should have been thinking of his friend.

  “I'm sorry, Ryan,” she reluctantly released him and sat. “I shouldn't have...”

  She made to leave, but he grabbed her. “I shouldn't want you, Nora, but I do.”

  He kissed her, pushing her back so he could lie next to her. His hand traveled her body, skimming her side. She was lost in Ryan. All her good intentions flew out the window and she gripped his length, stroking him firmly from root to tip. He thrust his hips into her hand, small groans and grunts whispered in her ear. His fingers were clumsy as he pushed away her shirt and sports bra. His hand cupped her breast, fingers circling her nipple.

  “Ryan,” she whispered, gripping his neck. She wanted to feel his lips on hers again, but he smiled and bent his head to her chest. He replaced his fingers with his mouth, his tongue lightly circling her tightly pebbled nipple. He pulled it into his warm, wet mouth and bit it gently. She held his head to her, releasing him only when he moved to her other breast. He cupped her with his hand, kneading and pinching until she was pushing her breast into his mouth, her back lifting off the bed. His hand trailed to her stomach and beneath her sweatpants. She felt him separate her folds, and one long finger dipped inside her, taking her wetness and pulling it onto her clit, rolling it around and around until her
entire body was a wave, lifting and falling, following each move he made.

  Somehow she was able to keep her hand on him. Their bodies moved in sync. For each push Ryan gave, his fingers swirling and curling inside her; Nora stroked. Her other hand held him close, squeezing his shoulder, nails digging into his skin. Their breath came fast, their kisses were less coordinated, messier, but for Nora, it was perfect. He was as overwhelmed as she was. Their tongues tangled, teeth clicking until she tore her mouth away.

  She was close, and she must have cried out because his voice, husky and low, told her, “I want to feel you, Nora.”

  His thumb circled and tapped her clit until she fluttered and pulsed around him. She felt him then. He became harder, hotter, and then her hand and stomach were covered in warm liquid. He pressed his forehead against hers, lowering his face until he could kiss her again and again. Nora didn't even care that his fingers were wet against her arm or her stomach sticky; all she wanted was to hold him. He must have felt the same way because he pulled her into his arms.

  It couldn’t last.

  She sensed the moment when he truly processed what they'd done. His entire body tensed. He still held her in his arms, but they were stiff, and his body felt colder. She wasn't ready to lose him yet, to face what they'd done, and what it would mean for both of them.

  “Nora...” he started.

  “Don't say it. Don't say we shouldn't have. I know it, but I wanted it. I still want it.”

  He shifted, pushing the hair out of his face. “It's going to cause problems, Nora, because I'm not going to give you up.”

  She relaxed beneath his gaze. “No?”

  He shook his head and kissed her. “No. We'll figure it out, but I want to be more than your friend. There’s something here, Nora, and I felt it as soon as I met you.”

  She lifted her head to kiss him. “I felt it, too.”

  “I’ll talk to them later,” he told her. His hands still stroked her skin, pushed her hair out of her face, traced her fingers. Despite the tension thrumming through his body, he continued to hold her.