Finding Honor

by Ripley Proserpina

  “Don’t touch me!” She spun away from him.

  He put his hands up, palms out. “Nora, wait.”

  “No!” she tried to push past him, but he wouldn’t let her. He merely stood unmoving like a stone. She pushed her finger into his chest. “Move.”

  “No.” He crossed his arms, staring down at her. “You need to listen to me.”

  She laughed, a little loud and a little shrilly. “Oh, I heard you. I heard everything you had to say. And I get it, okay? I get it. Now, please,” her voice broke and she tried to push him out of the way again. “Just move so I can go.”

  “I can’t,” he whispered.

  “The fuck you can’t,” she said.

  She stepped back, examining every corner of the room to find an escape. There was only the window. She shrugged and marched over to it, throwing aside the curtain and unlocking it. She made a move to open it, but Seok was there, wrapping his arms around her from behind.

  “Don’t jump!” His voice was intense, and if she didn’t know better, she’d say he was worried.

  She glanced out the window, it was too high. “I’m not suicidal, jerk.”

  “Listen.” She could feel his breath against her cheek.

  All she could hear was her heart pounding in her ears. She struggled against his arms, but he merely tightened them. “Listen.” Her chest heaved against his arms, and she tried to lift them, but he’d effectively pinned them at her sides. The most she could do was turn and grip him at the elbow. “Listen,” he whispered again.

  His chest rose and fell against her back and without realizing it, she began to mirror his breathing. She stopped pushing against him, but warned him again, “Let. Me. Go.”

  He turned her in his arms, and it pissed her off. He kept her there, unable to leave or even move, only held her and stared at her, his black eyes burning into hers.

  “Let me go,” she said again, but with less heat. She didn’t want to respond to him the way she did. She didn’t want to feel the stirring of desire or notice the way his eyes had zoomed in on her lips and hadn’t left.

  “Don’t,” she whispered. It was warning for herself as much as for him. “You hate me. You don’t trust me. Don’t kiss me and turn me into everything you hate.”

  His eyes widened, and his hand left her back to travel to her face. Nora shook her head and he stopped. His hand hovered next to her face. She could feel the heat against her cheek. Neither of them moved.

  “I’m afraid,” he whispered. He closed his eyes and left them closed. “And I don’t trust you.”

  It was like he slapped her and everything inside her rebelled. She fought him again, pushing and shoving. The tears only her anger kept at bay began to well up and spill over. She sniffed, angry he wouldn’t give her her hands so she could wipe them away.

  “You’re a liar. You know everything about me. I saw Cai’s file.” She tried to step on his foot and kick his shin but he turned to the side and the worst she did was swipe her bare foot along his calf. “You have my whole life in there.”

  “I know,” he answered. He didn’t deny it. “I was protecting them.”

  “Let me go!” Nora cried out and he finally did. She jerked away from him, crossing her arms over her chest and backing away from him. “I didn’t want anything to happen to those kids.” She wiped her face. “I never told Reid to shoot them, and if I had known what he was planning, I would have told someone!”

  “I know.” He stepped closer to her, but with every step forward, Nora stepped back. “I know, Nora. I knew as soon as I read your history.”

  She shook her head. “That was wrong. You shouldn’t have dug into my past.”

  He cocked his head to the side. “I have a duty to protect my friends. I didn’t know you.”

  “Fine.” She resisted the urge to cover her ears like a little girl. She wanted him to stop talking. Each word out of his mouth was a knife in her heart. “You’re right. Please go.”

  He stepped closer and she stepped back, but there was nowhere to go except against the wall. “I can’t,” he whispered, and put his hands on her shoulders, skimming them gently against her neck until he could hold it between the palms of both hands. “Don’t make me go.”

  He lowered his head, his eyes watching hers, giving her plenty of time for her to tell him to leave. She didn’t want him to go, but she didn’t want to give him any more ammunition to use against her.

  “Don’t do this if you’re going to hold it against me.”

  He stopped, his mouth so close to hers she could feel his lips move when he spoke. “That’s not what I’m afraid of.”

  She wasn’t sure if she believed him, but as his lips covered hers, she decided it didn’t matter. Their kiss was angry and heated, like nearly every exchange they had. Her head hit the back of the wall, and Seok quickly put his hand behind her, a buffer between her and the wood. Aggressive and considerate, it was who he was, and it was how he kissed her. His mouth was bruising, he bit and sucked at her lips, but then he gentled, licking her top lip and then drawing the bottom into his mouth to swipe at it with his tongue.

  But it wasn’t too much for her. It didn't confuse her. Her legs wrapped around his in an attempt to get even closer. He helped her. He lifted her, and her legs parted. She wrapped them around his waist. His hand still cradled her head, but his other arm lowered to her waist, supporting her so she didn’t have to grip him so tightly.

  Except she wanted to grip him tightly. Her fingernails raked his back. He moaned, pulling his mouth away from hers and moving to her neck. She turned her head, giving him more room. His teeth scraped against the cord in her neck, back and forth and then, when he reached the place where her shoulder met her neck, he bit. It wasn’t gentle, but he didn’t break the skin.

  Gripping his head, she kept him in place. His mouth pulled on her skin, and then kissed it, running his lips across her. Holding on to her tightly, he walked them to the bed and dropped her on it. He grabbed her sweatpants and pulled them off her legs, throwing them across the room. Without warning, he dove between her legs. He pushed them apart, making room for his shoulders and licked her slowly.

  It was just like Seok to not give her a choice. He found the most vulnerable position she could be in, and he put her there.

  But he was with her.

  Every moment, every second, he was right there with her. He groaned against her skin, his hands clutching her thighs, holding them wide when she would have snapped them shut. He growled at her, and nipped her inner thigh. He sucked gently at the crease between her leg and core. He trailed his fingers through the closely cropped curls between her legs, separating her folds with his thumb.

  Her eyes opened when he stopped and blew a cool stream of air over her clit. She lifted her head, and it was like he was waiting for her to meet his eyes. Keeping his eyes on hers, he fastened his mouth to her. His tongue circled the bud of nerves before he sucked at it, pulling and releasing so her hips rose and fell with his rhythm.

  She loved the way he made noises while he kept his face buried against her. Lifting herself onto her elbows, she could see Seok thrusting his hips against the bed, as if he were inside her. Just the thought of feeling him, being skin to skin with him, made her come.

  There was no warning, one moment she was watching him, turned on by the way he moved his body, and the next she was writhing on the sheets, crying out and holding onto his shoulders as if he could anchor her soul from leaving her body.

  He continued to lick at her languidly, his tongue curled inside her body. He hummed in pleasure before placing a kiss to her thigh and sitting back. Eyes opening at the loss of contact, she met his gaze. He leaned over her, lean muscles flexing along his arms. He kissed her forehead and she reached for him, wanting to hold him close to her, but he held her wrists in his hands, kissing her once more before moving off.

  She watched in disbelief as he walked to the door and left, closing it quietly behind him, never once glancing back at her.<
br />
  Twenty-three

  Realization

  As soon as he’d watched her pulse and thrum in his arms, understanding slammed into Seok. He’d do anything to keep this—keep her.

  He needed it. In his whole life, he’d never experienced something as shattering as what he shared with Nora.

  He got it now.

  This was what Matisse meant, and if Apollo or Ryan felt a fraction of the desire he did; then he fucking got it.

  And he had to talk to them, right away. They needed to work this out, because Nora was going to be worth it. His mind charged forward, making plans, countering arguments, addressing contingencies.

  It wasn’t as simple as dating. Matisse was wrong there, and Apollo was right to get upset. What he just shared with Nora went beyond a date. There was no getting to know her, and getting to— hell, what were the bases?

  He paused at the bottom step. He didn’t know baseball. He’d gone to school in Canada, so he needed a hockey analogy. He shook his head, it didn’t matter.

  Seok wasn’t a virgin and hadn’t been for a long time, but he knew something special when he felt it, and with Nora’s taste still on his tongue, he knew he’d experienced it.

  When he got to the kitchen, the only ones left were Cai and Ryan. He looked questioningly at the two of them.

  “They’ve gone to their respective corners for a time-out.” Cai added a piece of wood to the pile Seok recognized as pieces of his chairs and some table.

  He sighed. It had been a beautiful piece of furniture. “Does anyone need to go to the hospital?”

  Ryan shook his head, but then shrugged. “Apollo could probably use a stitch in his head, but he’s taking care of it himself. He won’t leave here without Nora.”

  Seok grabbed one of the two remaining chairs still usable and sat in it. “He’s not taking her anywhere.”

  Cai’s eyes widened. He leaned against the wall and let himself slide down it, burying his face against his knees and raking his hands through his hair. “What did you do, Seok?

  “I’m not blind, Cai.” He was calling him out. He was done with going around and around, ignoring what was right in front of their faces. “You feel something for her, too.”

  “I don’t know what I feel,” he countered quickly.

  Hearing a thump, he saw Ryan flip the last chair in the kitchen to straddle it. “I want her, too.” Classic Ryan: direct and to the point.

  Cai pushed himself to stand. “I can’t do this. I can’t do this. You know my family, Ryan.” His eyes were wild, desperate. “I won’t. No matter what I might feel.”

  Ryan stood as well, holding a hand out to him. “No one will make you do something you don’t want to. This isn’t about anyone else, but you and Nora.”

  “I disagree; this is about everyone else.” Cai laughed shortly, bitterly. “It’s about all of us and Nora.”

  Looking embarrassed, Ryan glanced away. “Fair enough. What I mean is—at the heart of this—it’s you and Nora. It’s me and Nora. It’s Seok and Nora. It’s not Seok and me and you and Nora.”

  Cai’s jaw muscle ticked as he clenched his teeth and his hands clenched into fists next to his legs, but he nodded. “I hadn’t let myself think about this. Once Apollo said he was interested, I was hands-off.” He thought about it and added, “—ish.”

  “It doesn’t matter, none of this, if we can’t get Nora to trust us.”

  Seok nodded in agreement, but— “She saw the file on your computer, Cai. She knows we went into her background, hacked into her sealed files.”

  It was like a light went off above Cai’s head. He relaxed and put his hands on his hips. He stared at the ground, shaking his head back and forth. “That’s why she was upset. I knew something was wrong. She wouldn’t tell me.”

  “What did you do?” Ryan pinned Seok with a disapproving glare, but he refused to feel guilty.

  “I asked Matisse to dig into her past before she came to stay here.”

  “Why would you do that?” Ryan asked. “I vouched for her.”

  “I could tell…” He stepped closer to him. “I could tell you felt something and I needed to make sure she wasn’t dangerous.”

  “Oh, she’s dangerous,” came Cai’s comment.

  “It doesn’t matter anymore.” He dismissed it. “She thinks I don’t trust her.”

  “Do you?” Ryan asked.

  “No,” he answered. “But only because I don’t trust myself.”

  Twenty-four

  Leaving

  Eavesdropping on Seok wasn’t Nora’s finest moment, but her feet were rooted to the floor. As soon as she’d heard her name, she was stuck. She listened to them argue about her and she heard the pain and confusion in their voices.

  But hearing Seok say he didn’t trust her did the trick. Her feet moved and she backed away until she hit the front door. Then she slipped her feet into her shoes and went out into the cold, autumn night.

  The neighborhood was lit with bright streetlights. She could see the silhouettes of people walking around their homes, going about their lives without a care in the world. Maybe they worried about work or about money, but tonight they had a home, a place they belonged.

  Wrapping her arms around her chest, she headed down the hill into town. She had no money, no identification, and not even the clothes she wore were hers. While she wasn’t the only one headed into town, she felt alone. A group of girls, freshman, Nora guessed by the sheer number of them, rushed along the sidewalk, from the direction of the college. They were happy, laughing and giggling, searching for a party, any party, on fraternity row.

  She could have directed them, but watching them tonight hurt her. She would never be one of those girls, dressed in short skirts with low-cut shirts and high heels. Tittering and unconcerned about anything except the door charge.

  Like a flock of birds, as one, they began to hurry. It was a cold night, and they held their arms wrapped around their bodies. God forbid they wear a jacket that didn’t go with their outfit.

  Nora would have loved a jacket.

  Everything about them looked fresh and clean. They were healthy, like they’d never had to worry about food or someone not loving them and were utterly secure in their place in the world. Their biggest worry for the evening would be remembering the Greek alphabet so they found the right frat party.

  They broke off from Nora after about a block, heading toward the row of fraternities. Music pulsed through the air. She stopped and watched them climb the steps of a huge brick house. The door opened and the light spilled onto the side walk, a warm beacon of welcome. It surrounded the girls like a tractor beam, pulling them into the mothership where there were enough jello-shots and keg stands for everyone.

  Shivering, Nora kept walking. She never thought she’d be in this position again, but here she was. It sucked, but she could deal with it. As a teenager, she’d spent nights on the street when she needed to escape her mother. Granted, most of those nights, the cops had herded her back home.

  She hoped she was savvy enough to get to the homeless shelter before she was arrested for vagrancy.

  The shelter was in the heart of her old neighborhood, and she had to walk by her apartment to get there. It was amazing how everything in her life had changed, but nothing had changed on her street.

  Her downstairs neighbor had the same paisley-covered tapestry in the window. She could hear her shrill voice from the sidewalk. Many mornings Nora had come downstairs to find her neighbor on the stoop, holding her cell to her mouth, yelling at someone who yelled back through speakerphone.

  She stood outside for a moment, staring up at her apartment. She was surprised to realize it didn’t feel like hers anymore. She didn’t even wish it was hers. Her old life seemed empty now, and her apartment, once her refuge, was a symbol of her loneliness.

  A light was on inside. Someone else had already moved in. Apparently her landlord had found a renter in no time, something not uncommon in a college town where housing wa
s premium. The turnaround between leaving an apartment and finding a renter was hours, and not weeks.

  She walked farther north, refusing to linger. Here the streetlights were spaced farther apart, and the noise was less jovial and more frantic. Children ran up and down the streets, much too young to be out at such a late hour. She saw babies in strollers, sucking on bottles full of juice. Their mothers ignored them, too busy smoking cigarettes and yelling at friends pushing carriages with equally bleary-eyed babies.

  Nora paused for a split second. She had been one of those babies. The one who watched the drama unfold with a weariness which spoke to having seen it happen a million times before. The ones who didn’t blink when someone started screaming, just sucked a little bit faster on their pacifier, or shoved the bottle back in their mouth.

  She walked a little quicker, wanting to get away. How had she managed to live here for so many years? She’d passed these scenes a hundred times, glanced up quickly and then away, and never let it pierce the armor she built around herself.

  Every bit of protection she’d crafted so carefully, crumbled. Now when she looked around, she really saw. Each scene threw her back in time and made her relive a memory she didn’t want.

  Somehow, being with the guys, feeling safe with them, took off her blinders. It might have started with the shooting, when she watched the bright, shining futures of those kids explode in a spray of bullets, but it had ended with Seok’s mouth on her body, when she was exposed and vulnerable, and he walked away without a backwards glance.

  She didn’t know what to think anymore, what to believe. Here she was, in a neighborhood she knew like the back of her hand, but she was finally seeing it for what it was. This was her future if she let it happen. A crappy apartment. A shitty job. Maybe she’d have to move to a different state since everyone here hated her, but it’d be the same no matter where she went.