Finding Honor

by Ripley Proserpina

  Matisse put his hands in the air. “Fair enough.”

  “You have a good point, Apollo,” Ryan said. “Ground rules.”

  “Our time with Nora is private,” Seok replied quickly.

  “Equal time,” Cai added. “I haven’t had anywhere near as much as the three of you, and apparently Seok.”

  “Follow Nora’s lead,” Ryan directed, his tone didn’t allow for argument. “If she doesn’t want this, then that’s it. We don’t pressure her.”

  There were nods along with sounds of agreement. Apollo stood and stared at the ceiling like he was ready to bound up the stairs and wake her. “Tomorrow morning,” he said to himself. “We let her sleep. She’s still injured and she’s had a shit day.”

  Matisse agreed, as did the rest of them. He couldn’t help chuckling, imagining the discussion they were going to have. “Make sure we have a full pot of coffee.”

  Twenty-seven

  Gone

  Seok could not sleep. He thought about Nora resting down the hall from him, and wanted very much to creep back into her bedroom. Her heavy-lidded eyes, widening as he kissed her goodbye haunted him. Something about the exchange nagged at him until he finally gave up tossing and turning, and left his room. He stopped in front of Nora’s door. His hand was on the knob and turning it before he stopped, and slowly backed away.

  Now, since all their feelings were on the table, he didn’t want to sneak around. He wanted to knock on her door, in full sight of everyone, and have her invite him in. He didn’t want to lurk in the hallway and skulk to her bed like Nosferatu.

  Reluctantly, Seok went downstairs and into the kitchen. The ruined table would give him something to work on for the rest of the night. He grabbed armfuls of the lumber and brought them into his workshop. It took quite a few trips. The largest intact section of table had him sweating and straining as he tried not to tumble down the steps.

  Surveying the pieces, he took his kerchief off the work bench and wrapped it around his head. He began to reconstruct the table, laying the pieces next to each other, examining the places where the wood split.

  He shifted back on his heels. It was fixable, but he’d need to strip it, sand it, and plane it. The table had been perfect for the five of them, but now he had another idea in mind. Something larger, something which would fit all of them, and any guests they might have. An image of Nora sitting at the head of the table appeared in his mind, and he decided he didn't like it.

  A long table would keep her too far from him. The perfect shape would allow him to be close to her, even if he wasn’t sitting next to her. He began the slow process of removing the nails, screws, and dowels. When he removed the final fastener, the sun had come up and was starting to shine through the basement windows. Staring out the window, he pulled off his kerchief, throwing it onto the work table before he gripped the edges. His task had distracted him enough to make it through the night, but now, in the light of day, all he could think about was Nora.

  And spending another moment away from her wasn’t an option.

  Seok sprinted up the stairs and into the kitchen just as Cai and Matisse entered. Cai went directly to the coffee maker, while Matisse went into the fridge, pulling out eggs and then shoving them back inside. “I can’t eat. I feel like I’m going to vomit.”

  He didn’t answer; his mind was focused entirely on Nora. He listened for her footsteps, for the sound of her bedroom door closing. He leaned against the wall, arms crossed, staring at the doorway. Ryan arrived next. All of them waited silently. When the coffee was ready, Matisse poured them cups, and they sipped their coffee to have something to do.

  Seok heard a noise, and walked into the living room. He perched on the arm of the sofa, straining with his entire body to hear Nora.

  It was Apollo, not her. He had a distinctive footfall, not unlike an elephant or an exuberant two hundred pound toddler. If he didn’t wake Nora, nothing would.

  He heard the door to her room open, and then waited to hear Nora’s voice, but he only heard her door close softly.

  In the moments following, Seok would create a reason for each of his reactions. Without conscious purpose, his brain would try to make sense of what he saw.

  When Apollo arrived without Nora, he assumed it was because she was still getting ready. Why else would Apollo seem unconcerned? When his face fell, it was because they hadn’t gotten him his customary smoothie. And when Matisse began peppering him with questions, questions Seok couldn’t make heads or tails of, it was just Matisse being Matisse.

  It wasn’t until Apollo’s face changed, the look of curiosity slowly replaced by incredulousness and then stark fear, Seok took notice.

  “What the hell do you mean she’s not here?” Roaring the question, he turned and bounded up the steps. The four of them were right on his heels. Apollo flung the door open so hard the knob stuck in the plaster.

  Seok saw the empty bed and saw the imprint of Nora’s body on the coverlet.

  There was the giveaway.

  Her image was imprinted in his mind. He could see where her head had pressed into the pillow as he’d slowly licked her to completion. He could see where she’d fisted the sheets, balling them in her hand. Behind him, someone fled down the hall, and called out her name. There was, of course, no answer.

  She was gone.

  The room felt different, emptier, like without her presence the air was heavy and stale.

  “Someone check the downstairs bathroom and back hall staircase,” Seok said, his mind was slowly coming back online. “Make sure we didn’t miss each other.”

  “She’s not here,” Ryan’s voice was hollow and when Seok turned to him, his eyes were empty. “She’s gone. Of course she left.” He shook his head.

  “We scared her,” Cai went to the bed, his hand hovering over the blankets. “She wasn’t safe here, we fought over her, and she left before we could make her leave.”

  Matisse shoved his way back into the room. “She’s not downstairs, she’s not in the basement. Her shoes are gone, but the extra set of house keys are still hanging on the hook.”

  “We have to find her.” He pressed the heels of his palms into his eyes.

  “Matisse, you didn’t get her a phone, did you?” he heard Ryan ask.

  Seok opened his eyes, peering at Matisse who met his gaze guiltily. “No. We had the landline. I should have thought…” he trailed off, gutted. “I should have.”

  “I’m checking with the neighbors. Maybe someone saw her leave. Fuck!” Apollo punched the wall, leaving a fist-sized hole before running out of the room. Seok heard the front door open and slam into the wall.

  Detached, he realized, one more thing to fix.

  He didn’t know what to do next. Find her, yes, that was the plan, but what if she wouldn’t come back. What if she’d heard them talking last night and they’d horrified her? Shocked her? Made her run so far and so fast they wouldn’t find her?

  “She can’t have gone far,” Ryan said, as if reading his mind. “She has nothing. No money, no I.D. She’s gotta be around.”

  Matisse cracked his knuckles. “I’m checking her files for family or friends. Someone she could go to.”

  He ran out of the room, but Ryan called after him, “There’s no one.” When Matisse ignored him, Ryan turned wide eyes to Seok. “If she’d had someone else, she never would have come here.”

  Cai had gone still when Ryan spoke. He shook his head slowly before speaking through clenched teeth, “She’s still in town.” The color slowly drained from his face. “She slept out.” He rubbed his jaw like he did when his old injuries pained him. “Parks, the library, downtown. What time is it?”

  Seok peered at his watch. “6:30.”

  “Parks then.” Cai stared out the window. “Library when it opens. Downtown by eight. The shelter…” He trailed off. “I’m going to call some of the kids. I’ve gotta go to the office to get their numbers. They may have seen her. I’ll stop at the shelter on the way.”

/>   “I’m going with you,” Seok informed him.

  “Me, too.” Ryan crossed his arms over his chest, but Seok didn’t miss the way his fingers dug into his biceps, squeezing so hard he expected to see bruises.

  “They saw her!” Apollo’s voice carried upstairs.

  Seok, Ryan, and Cai barreled out of Nora’s room, nearly colliding with Matisse who’d rushed out when he heard Apollo arrive.

  “Next door…” He was out of breath. “They saw her leave last night. Ten-ish.”

  Almost right after. Why would she have left immediately after being intimate with him? Had he done something wrong?

  He racked his brain. He was missing something, some key piece of information that would tell them why she ran. He went through the events step-by-step even as he followed Apollo downstairs and listened to him rattle off what he’d learned.

  She’d lingered in the driveway. He’d made her come apart in his arms.

  She’d looked around, as if waiting for someone. He’d kissed her gently.

  She’d headed down the hill, into town. She’d reached for him—

  That was where Seok’s mind stopped and flashed bright red lights at him. Oh God. He’d left her there on her bed, open and exposed, and when she reached for him, he’d left her. He’d been so focused on speaking with his friends he’d given her a chaste kiss, and left her. A kiss, which he thought conveyed all of his caring and passion, instead took on the shadow of thanks for the dry hump, catch you later.

  Stumbling to a stop, Seok put his hand over his mouth to stop from being sick. Somehow he’d made it to the driveway without realizing it. He stood next to Cai’s car, staring at the door as if he didn’t know what to do.

  “Fuck.” It didn’t begin to express his self-loathing. “Fuck. Fuck!” He raked his hands through his hair, pacing in front of the car. There weren’t words for what he was, what he’d done.

  “Seok.” Ryan’s hand stopped him. “Push it away. Lose it after we find her.”

  He nodded, but continued to feel undone. What was he supposed to do, how could he find her?

  “Get in the car,” Cai called to him from the open passenger door.

  Ryan pushed him, nudging him toward the seat. As soon as he was in, Cai peeled out of the driveway.

  He turned to Matisse who sat in back. “Where’s Apollo and Ryan?”

  “Ryan’s going to the police station. Apollo’s checking the Battery and waterfront. I’ll drop Matisse downtown, and you and I are visiting the shelters and then the youth center.”

  Seok nodded, grateful his friends could make these decisions when he couldn’t, but mortified he’d shut down to the point of hindering their action. He stared out the window as Cai rolled through stop signs and accelerated madly.

  Push it away. You can’t lose it yet.

  twenty-eight

  Police

  Ryan walked into the police station and immediately asked for Detective Vance. He had one task: to find where Nora was.

  “Mr. Valore.” Detective Vance stood behind the desk and crossed his arms. He was dressed in a button-down shirt and slacks. His gun was clipped onto his waist along with his badge. He found himself wondering where the man put his gun when he had to piss, but then he figured Vance put the gun on his belt when he was told who was asking for him.

  “Detective,” he replied. “I’m here to—”

  Holding up his hand, the detective stopped him. “I know why you’re here. And if you think you can threaten me, in my station? You’re wrong. Who the hell does your boss think he is, sending a kid here?”

  Vance walked away, where Ryan couldn’t see him, but when he came back he carried a file and slapped it onto the desk in front of him. “You take this public, you think anyone will give a shit? It’ll make her seem guiltier.”

  He was thoroughly flummoxed now, and reluctantly off-track. He picked up the file and opened it, suspecting what was inside had nothing to do with Nora’s disappearance, but unable to dismiss it outright.

  He skimmed the report inside and sucked in a breath. “You shot her.”

  “I didn’t shoot her, kid. Our department would never have put me on her case if that happened.”

  “Your team shot her.”

  It felt to Ryan like the entire department stopped speaking. The rest of the officers still moved, phones still rang, radios still blared, but there only existed Vance and Ryan. “Is this why you went after her so hard? You needed an excuse?”

  Vance’s face flushed and his lips thinned. He shifted before uncrossing his arms and leaning across the desk. “I didn’t need an excuse to investigate that woman. She was guilty. Even if she didn’t pull the trigger, she had a part in it.”

  “Bullshit.” His voice shook, while Vance gloated, obviously pleased he’d managed to get a reaction out of him.

  “She’s nothing but trash.”

  “You hardly sound dispassionate.” Ryan tried to find his distance, but the idea of this man questioning Nora, making her feel more worthless and alone than she already did, made it impossible.

  “You think any of us are? Staties? FBI?”

  “Who killed those other kids?” Ryan asked, pressing his palms flat on the desk and leaning forward. “Did you, too?”

  Vance puffed up, reminding him of Apollo right before he went off the handle. The man seemed to hold himself there, poised to fight before finally getting control of himself. “You see her, Valore, send her here. We’ve got her stuff and she’s got ten days to collect. Otherwise, it goes in the trash.” He smiled tightly at Ryan, and he got the sense he’d used the word deliberately, wanting him to lose his cool again.

  “Got it.” He held the file and tapped it on the counter. “Thanks for this.”

  Vance nodded, and left.

  He dug his phone out of his pocket and sent out a group text: Not at the station.

  It chimed, and he saw a message from Apollo. Could use you at the Battery.

  He responded immediately: on my way.

  ***

  The Battery was a block from the police station. It was a large park with a playground. A food truck sold coffee on the police side of the park in the mornings, and switched to serving ice-cream in the afternoons. There was a bandstand in its center facing an open green space where people spread out picnic blankets or played frisbee in the summer. This morning, the dome had a smattering of people sleeping on the cold concrete, their belongings stuffed under their heads or wrapped tightly in their arms. A few joggers ran along the path circling the park.

  Ryan found Apollo standing on the stone wall. He was staring down the hill leading to the waterfront. He joined him, following Apollo’s gaze where he was closely examining the brush. A number of dirt paths, generally obscured by the wall, meandered along the side of the hill. This part of the park was completely hidden unless he stood on the stones. Next to the paths were discarded bottles and cans, and as Ryan peered closer, he saw a few sleeping bodies.

  “I had no idea,” he said, turning back, and doing a quick head count. There were ten homeless people who he could see, including the ones on the hill.

  “I’m going to walk the paths and then head to the waterfront. Can you take the ones on that side?” Apollo gestured toward the north side of the park.

  “You checked the people in the band area?”

  “Not her. Or on the benches.”

  Tightening the straps on his backpack, he nodded. “I’ll meet you in front of the Coast Guard station.” He pointed to the building at one end of the beach. If Apollo took the southern end of the park, they could search the interior together.

  Apollo nodded tightly. “Ryan.”

  He looked at him. Apollo’s chin trembled for a moment before he sucked in a deep breath. “She fucking had nowhere to go. She might have slept here.”

  It made him sick. He could feel his stomach churn, and the coffee sat sourly in his stomach. “I know.”

  “What if we don’t—”

  “We’l
l find her.” He wouldn’t let himself think any differently. “We’ll find her and bring her home. This will never happen again.”

  twenty-nine

  Morning

  A persistent, but soft chime woke Nora in the morning. She stretched, yawning hugely. It took her a moment to remember where she was, and what had happened. She sat slowly, feeling awkward about waking next to complete strangers.

  But they didn’t even glance her way.

  She could have been invisible for all the attention they paid her. Most of them, like her, slept in their clothes. One woman had a plastic bag she’d used as a pillow. She threaded her arm through the hole and left the room. A pair of boot-clad feet suddenly hung in Nora’s face, a body quickly landing onto the floor. She streaked out of the room before she could blink.

  The other woman, the one in the lower bunk across from her, was slower to rise. The soft alarm stopped, but now a song played over the intercom. Nora pulled the elastic off her wrist and gathered her hair into a bun on top of her head, wrapping the curls around and around.

  Then she stood, folding her blanket carefully, and left the room.

  She wondered, what happened next? Were they all kicked out? Was there a bathroom she could use as she formulated her plan?

  At the end of the hall, a line of women had formed. At least one question answered.

  A woman holding a number of small sandwich bags walked down the line. At each person she stopped, offering them a bag. Some accepted them with quiet nods, others shook their heads. When she got to Nora, she smiled and held out a bag. She reached for it. Inside was a toothbrush, a travel size toothpaste, a tiny bar of soap, and some deodorant.

  “There’s coffee and toast in the kitchen,” the woman told Nora. She smiled at her. “It’s ‘to go,’ “ she added. “The shelter closes to clients at 7:30. We open again at eight pm. There’s a list in your bag of places offering free meals. There is also a list of our sister shelters if this one happens to be full. The brochure has state agencies, hours of operation, and locations to get you any other help you might need.” The woman reached out and grasped her arm, giving a quick squeeze before she moved along, offering the same spiel to the woman behind her.