Finding Honor

by Ripley Proserpina

He hadn’t taken more than a step before Ryan kneeled in front of her. “What’s he talking about? What room?”

  She pushed away, scooting off of Seok’s lap, but he wasn’t ready to let her go so easily and wrapped an arm around her shoulder, pulling her closer.

  “Do you want me to wait until Matisse and Cai are here? I can tell you all at once.”

  Ryan waved an impatient hand. “You can tell the story more than once. I think it will be an ongoing discussion.”

  She peered at Seok and Apollo who were both looking nervous and a little sick. “It’s not a bad thing. I think you’ll be happy for me.” She hoped she allayed his fears.

  He smiled, but it was tight. He was definitely reserving his right to disagree with her choice.

  “I met Tyler this morning,” she began.

  “After you spent the night at a homeless shelter,” Apollo interrupted. She saw, even though his tone was angry, he was not. He was upset at the idea of her having no place to go but a shelter.

  “It was okay.” She took his hand. “It’s nothing I want to do again, but it could have been much worse.”

  “Go on,” Ryan told her, bringing them back on track.

  “I met Tyler and he thought Dr. Murray, over there.” She pointed. “Would be interested in having me as a study participant for an experiment he’s doing. And he was. In exchange for my participation, I’m getting room and board at the college, and I’m getting free tuition.”

  Ryan nodded, waiting.

  “That’s it.”

  “What’s the catch?” he asked.

  “There isn’t one,” she answered.

  “There’s no way.” He took her other hand. “There’s no way there isn’t a catch. How long do you have to do this? Why do I get the feeling he feels proprietary toward you?”

  She bristled, not at Ryan, but at the idea someone felt they had a right to control her. “He has no rights over me. The only right he has is if a class I want to take conflicts with when he needs me. In that case, I have to put off taking the class.”

  “Did you sign something?”

  She nodded. “I read it carefully, though. It was very clear-cut, but I can get a copy, I’m sure.”

  “I don’t like it.”

  Seok and Apollo made similar sounds.

  “We can go.” Cai arrived with Matisse and Tyler. “Tyler wants to go to his team later, but he wants to come home with us for now.”

  “Nora?” Dr. Murray called.

  Nora held up a finger. “I’m going to go with him,” she told the guys.

  “What?” Matisse was angry. “Why the hell are you going with him? Why aren’t you coming with us? Why isn’t she coming with us?” He looked at Seok, Apollo, and Ryan to fill him in.

  “He’s going to bring me to my new dorm, and I’ll drop my things, then I’ll come over,” she explained.

  “What the fuck is going on?” Matisse crossed his arms.

  She met Ryan’s eyes. This was why she wanted to wait. She gave Matisse and Cai the short version of what she told Ryan. His reaction was similar to the others, if a bit stronger. “No way in hell. No way.”

  “I’m sorry, Nora. We need to go.” Dr. Murray waited for her a little ways off.

  She stood, but Apollo caught her arm. “Please don’t go.” His eyes implored her.

  And just like that, she couldn’t.

  “Why don’t you come with me?” she found herself saying. “Dr. Murray can tell me which dorm I’m in, we’ll meet him there, and you’ll see where I’ll stay.”

  Apollo leapt to his feet. “Great.”

  Matisse nodded. “You won’t stay though, will you?”

  The others agreed, but asked similar questions.

  “Jesus.” It was the first time Tyler spoke. “Are they all your boyfriends?”

  None of them laughed. Nora blushed and bit her lip. She could feel Dr. Murray’s questioning stare, but refused to meet it. Instead, she changed the subject. “I’m ready. Apollo is coming as well. Do you want us to meet you there?”

  “He can drive with us.” A hand landed on her shoulder: Dr. Murray. “You okay?”

  She nodded, risking a glance. It appeared he hadn’t heard a word of their earlier exchange, or Tyler’s joke. He gestured toward his car, and Apollo linked his fingers with hers. “This way.”

  Apollo and Nora followed him silently to a tiny parking lot and nondescript SUV. Apollo held the back door open for her and she was about to climb in when—“It makes me feel like a limo driver if you both sit in back.”

  “You sit in front,” she told Apollo. “Longer legs take the front.”

  He grinned, his dimple appearing for the first time since yesterday. He waited for her to climb in the back before closing the door and jogging around to the side. As soon as he was buckled, Dr. Murray began driving. If he was bothered by the seating arrangement, he didn’t mention it.

  “You’re in the academic dorm, at Greystone Campus,” he told her. “And you’ll have a roommate who’s a freshman.”

  “Okay,” she answered.

  “Take your I.D. to the Student Center tomorrow and they’ll give you a student I.D., and everything you need to know about meals and things like that. You can go to the Registrar on Monday to register for classes. You’ll have to audit, or take an incomplete in any classes you register for this semester, since it’s pretty far in already.”

  “That’s fine,” she answered again, smiling at Apollo when he turned around to check on her.

  “Or you can wait to take classes.”

  “Auditing is fine,” she said. “Maybe I’ll take a hard class, and then I’ll have extra time to learn the material for next semester.”

  “You could take something with me,” Apollo offered.

  “What do you think about joining us later?” the doctor asked, finding a place to park near the dormitories.

  She hesitated. “I didn’t know her. The rest of you did, I feel a little intrusive. So, I don’t think I will go. But I would like to meet everyone at a later time.”

  “Actually” —He turned the car off and turned around in his seat—”I’ll need you Monday, bright and early, to get started. Eight. My office.”

  She nodded her agreement. “I’ll see you then.”

  “Okay.” He smiled in return.

  He led them to the front desk of the dormitory where she was given a key and a map. The person working the front desk called for the Residential Advisor on her floor. Dr. Murray said goodbye, and she and Apollo followed the RA upstairs to her new home.

  The girl didn’t stop talking from the time Nora shook her hand, until she got to her room. She couldn’t follow the girl’s chatter, but it reminded her of Tyler, which in turn reminded her of what had happened only hours ago.

  The RA knocked on a closed door, interrupting the path her thoughts had taken, and she felt Apollo’s arm go around her shoulder. He kissed her head. “It’s okay.”

  The door to the room opened, and Nora was face-to-face with a very young, very bouncy freshman girl.

  She hugged Nora, squeezing tightly and talking a million miles an hour. Is this your boyfriend? Are you a freshman? What’s your major? Where are you from? Where’s your stuff? Which bed do you want? Want to go out to dinner?

  Her roommate, who managed between questions to introduce herself as Emma, informed her she would love everyone on this floor because everyone was so nice. She was disappointed when Nora told her she wouldn’t be joining her for dinner, but then she shrugged, because the entire floor went to dinner together almost every night, so there would be plenty of opportunities.

  Nora studied the room, staring at the bare mattress and empty half of the room clearly meant for her, and felt out of sorts.

  “You don’t have to stay here,” Apollo whispered, low enough Emma couldn’t hear.

  She didn’t want to stay here, but where was she supposed to stay if she didn’t? As far as she was concerned, there was a lot to resolve with the guys, a l
ot to make right and to understand. They seemed to want her to stay with them earlier, but what if they changed their minds?

  “Let’s go to our house,” Apollo whispered sincerely. “I’ll bring you back tonight if you want to come, but come home. We need to talk to you.”

  Gripping her elbows, he bent a little so he could look into her face. He seemed to be urging her to reconsider.

  Nora let out a breath. One way or another, she would know where they stood. “Okay.”

  thirty-four

  Resolution

  They were all waiting for her.

  Seok took a step toward her, but stopped when Cai put a hand on his arm.

  Nora caught Matisse’s gaze raking her from head to foot, like he was checking she was all there.

  She heard a throat clear. Ryan stood stiffly. It was like a glimpse into the future to see him this way, hands at his side, shoulders straight, ready to launch into a closing argument. Maybe he was ready; maybe he was about to wrap everything up, nice and tight.

  “Thanks for coming back,” he began, relieving her of the worry she was imposing on them. He gestured to the sofa and she sat, perched on the edge, shoulders back, spine straight, mirroring Ryan.

  The other guys sat as soon as she did. Apollo moved in close to her, trailing his arm along her shoulders. Matisse narrowed his eyes at him, but didn’t say anything.

  “I didn’t expect,” Ryan began, and then stopped. “No. Maybe I did. I thought when we met, when I first saw you in the hospital, I could fall for you. But I thought I wouldn’t, if I told myself not to.”

  She winced. He’d hoped he was too smart not to like her. That hurt.

  Ryan saw her face and backtracked. “I was your lawyer,” he corrected. “Well, I worked for your lawyer, but in my mind, I was your lawyer. I asked the guys if I could bring you here, because I knew you had no place to go, but also because I didn’t want you far away from me. I didn’t let myself think beyond holding your hand, or hugging you, but every time I did, I cared about you more and more. Every moment I spent with you showed me you weren’t like anyone else in this world. Then Apollo told me how he felt about you, and I knew I was right, and I knew it would be impossible not to fall in love with you.”

  Her eyes must have bugged out of her head, and she couldn’t stop herself from casting her gaze toward Cai and Seok. If there was anyone not in love with her, it was those two. Besides— “You can’t love me. You hardly know me.”

  As Seok began to speak, he edged forward, almost off the chair. While Ryan had been speaking, Seok rubbed the palms of his hands across the wooden arms to calm himself. “You know I wanted more information about you,” he said. “I asked Matisse to compile that information. I was the only one, beside Ryan who knew about your past only because he represented you, who read it. It showed me the hell you’d lived through. It frightened me, because as I read it, I started to care for you. Even before Ryan brought you into our kitchen and I saw how beautiful you were.”

  Her hand went to her hair self-consciously. “I might have told you about my life, eventually. When I was ready.”

  Seok nodded. “I know. But I wanted to protect myself. I wanted to know who you were and be ready. I didn’t expect you to be like me.”

  He must have seen her confusion because he went on. “The guilt you feel about surviving when other people, people you feel were worthier than you somehow, died. The way you struggled with happiness, feeling good. The way you seem to believe all you deserve in this life is to survive, and then after the shooting, you weren’t even sure about that.”

  “I don’t understand.” She rubbed her forehead.

  He reached over, holding out his hand, waiting for her to take it. She studied it a moment, and then leaned forward, grasping it tightly. He sighed, shifting until he knelt in front of her. He grasped her face, cupping it with both hands. “I know you don’t,” he whispered. “We haven’t told you our stories, even if we’ve let a little of our past slip from time to time. We had a purpose, Nora, something we felt we had to do in order to make amends for the things we’d done in our pasts.”

  She shook her head. “I know you’re trying to make things clearer, but now I feel like you might be international spies.”

  Apollo snorted, and Matisse shook his head. “We do look like a Coke commercial.” He pointed at each of them. “Asian, black, white, Cajun, whatever Ryan is.”

  “Cajun is international?” Cai joked. “And Seok is Canadian.”

  “Korean,” Seok clarified. “With Canadian and American citizenship.”

  She giggled, and the guys seemed to relax.

  “We’re not spies,” he went on. “We are friends, and we met in the ways friends usually meet. What was unusual is we all carry around guilt from our pasts that cripples us. Until we found each other, those feelings made it impossible to do anything except exist.”

  “None of us thought about happiness, true happiness,” Cai said. “Until Ryan brought you here.”

  “I can’t make you happy.” Her heart stuttered.

  “We didn’t believe it either.” Seok squeezed her arms. “It’d been so long since I’d felt anything except anger, I didn’t want to believe it. I saw each of my friends…” He looked around the group. “I saw each of them become lighter. The weight on their shoulders lifted, and it made me feel alone. I didn’t want to believe things could change. I didn’t want to believe I deserved joy.”

  “You’re incredible, Nora.” Apollo interrupted. “How could we not love you?”

  “I kissed you, Apollo,” she reminded him. Didn’t he recall how hurt he was? How he and his best friends came to blows because she couldn’t control herself? Where was their anger now?

  He smiled broadly, his dimples appearing. “I remember.”

  “But I also kissed Matisse, and Ryan, and Seok. And I probably would have kissed Cai, if he tried. You can’t pretend it doesn’t bother you. I heard you, Apollo.” She met each of their stares. “I heard all of you. You’re talking about love and ‘we,’ but I know how you really feel. I was there last night.”

  Apollo’s smile disappeared and he swallowed. “I know. I know you did.”

  “You should hate me,” she went on. “I kissed you first, and then I went on to your friends. I’m a slut.”

  The room exploded into angry denials, but her eyes were glued to Apollo, and he didn’t argue.

  “See?” she whispered. She couldn’t maintain eye contact anymore. “You can’t love me. What kind of girl does that to a boy?”

  “Come here,” a rough voice said, and Nora was pulled to standing. Cai towered over her. “Do you care about Apollo?” he asked.

  She nodded vigorously. Of course.

  “And Matisse? Did you kiss him because he was there? Or because you felt something?”

  His golden eyes were fierce. They blazed into hers, holding her hostage. She couldn’t have lied if she wanted to. “I did.”

  “And Seok? How do you feel about him?”

  “I—” She blushed.

  He waited her out.

  “I care about him, very, very much.”

  “And Ryan?”

  Her eyes closed. “I love him, too.”

  “What about me, Nora? How do you feel about me?”

  His eyes searched hers, a muscle clenching and unclenching in his jaw. She could feel his fingers tremble even though he held her tightly.

  “I could love you, too.” The words were ripped from her heart, but she had to give them to him.

  He seemed to deflate, and then his lips were on hers, his hand at the nape of her neck, pulling her body into his while he curled his taller frame around her. His lips were at once bruising and soft, as if he was fighting a battle within himself. He wanted to own her, but in owning her he could hurt her, and so he forced himself to be gentle.

  Her hands curled into his chest as he slowly drew his head back. “I could love you, Nora,” he whispered before opening his eyes.

  N
ora stepped back, shaking from head to foot. What had she done? She forced herself to look at each of the guys. They were all serious, but none of them were destroyed. Had she betrayed them by allowing Cai to kiss her?

  No. She had to be honest; she’d fully participated in that kiss.

  Her gaze lingered longest on Apollo, who held her eyes steadily before standing and walking to her. “I can’t say it does it for me to see you kiss Cai, and I can’t say I’m not jealous, but I’m determined to kiss you later, so I’m okay.”

  “I don’t know what to say.” She gripped her head.

  “You said it.” Ryan walked to her. His eyes were bright, and there was a small smile on his mouth, reminding Nora he heard her say she loved him.

  “No take-backs.” She felt Matisse’s long cool fingers entwine with hers.

  “Are we”— She cleared her throat. “Are we all doing this?”

  “Yes,” Seok answered first. “I…” he stuttered before shaking his head. “Yes.”

  “Do you want us, Nora?” Apollo asked her. He’d sat back on the couch, elbows on knees vibrating with nervous energy.

  “Yes,” she answered, trying to instill every ounce of her caring into her voice. Still—”How do I let you do this? It’s so selfish, and I don’t deserve…”

  She barely got the words out when Seok kissed her. “We deserve you,” he whispered as he pulled away. “Trust us to know our own hearts, Nora.”

  The other guys agreed. She took a deep breath, the first one since she left yesterday, and nodded. “I trust you.”

  ***

  There was a rousing game of Rock Paper Scissors to decide whose room Nora slept in.

  No, she wasn’t going back to the dorm.

  No, she wasn’t sleeping in her old room.

  Yes, they could handle only one of them winning.

  In the end, it was Ryan, using paper against Matisse’s rock, who won. For her, no matter the outcome of the game, she won. She would sleep in someone’s arms; there was nothing better. Good-naturedly, the guys ribbed each other, teasing and accusing one or the other of cheating. She listened with one ear, letting their voices wash over her. She didn’t realize she’d fallen asleep until she was scooped into strong arms.