Between Now and Goodbye

by Hannah Harvey

  'I'll watch the kids.' I say with way more confidence than I actually feel. I turn away from Libby's face, because she looks disappointed in me.

  'Yeah,' she sighs, 'ok.' Then she's back inside and I reluctantly walk in after her, to start babysitting.

  Thirteen – Libby

  The hospital waiting room has an overly strong smell of cleaning fluid, which fills my nostrils as soon as we're told to sit out here and wait. Mrs P has a scan done, and she hasn't broken her wrist, thankfully, but she did sprain it. At the moment she's having it put into a splint, and then they're going to run a few other tests.

  My mom has gone on a coffee hunt, which leaves me and Charles here alone. Waiting.

  'He should be here.' Charles says quietly. I know who he means, because whenever he talks about his dad nowadays, his voice goes dark and his face clouds over with anger and helplessness.

  'I know.'

  'When your wife is in the hospital, you should be there.' He says, 'And yet he's nowhere in sight and,' he pulls out his phone and fiddles with it, 'listen to this.' He passes me the phone and I see that it's called his dad's number. I hold it up to my ear and wait for the ringing to stop.

  'I'm sorry, the number you're calling in no longer in service...'

  The message goes on but I lower the phone. I don't need to hear the rest because I already know what it means. His dad, however hard it is to accept, isn't coming home. He found out his pregnant wife had cancer, and then left home the very next day. A note on the kitchen table saying he couldn't watch his wife die and take his child with her. He left before finding out how serious it was, before seeing if April would be harmed, before any treatment had even been discussed let alone tried.

  Charles has always assumed that his dad simply used his mom's illness as a way out, to get away from the financial problems, the crowded house, and a family that he no longer wanted.

  At the time, I tried to get Charles to be more positive. I tried telling him that maybe the news just shocked his dad too much, and he couldn't handle it, so he'd left to process. I told him that once he'd had a chance to process, he'd be back. I was convinced that he'd be back after a few days, because what kind of person walks out on his wife when she's pregnant and sick, and not only that, but leaves his five children as well. What kind of person would do something so cruel?

  I should have known better. I of all people should have known that people do horrible things sometimes, ever to the people who they're meant to love. Even to family.

  Time passed. Days into weeks, and the hope that I'd tried to instill in Charles was vanishing in me. Then weeks became months and nobody had heard from him. Now, his phone number is out of service, and nobody, not even his parents, knows where he went.

  The only way that Charles knows that his dad is still alive, is the fact that his grandparents received one call from him about two months ago, asking them to wire him some money. They told him that April had been born, a happy, healthy little girl and that Mrs P was still alive, still fighting. He didn't come home.

  I suppose the police would be able to find him, but the fact is, he's not a missing person. He left of his own free will and he didn't do anything illegal. He just did something awful.

  'Char I'm so sorry.' My heart breaks for him as he takes his phone back, slipping it into his pocket and then leaning back in his chair. His head hits the wall with a little thud, but he doesn't even seem to register it.

  'What if I lose them both?' He says. His eyes are closed and his head is tilted back so I can see his pulse beating in his neck. Slow and steady.

  'You won't.' I choke on the words because I know that I can't promise him that. I can't say for certain that his mom will pull through, and it seems more and more likely that his dad won't ever come home.

  'Libs,' he turns to me. Eyes open now, clear and blue and shining with tears that he's holding back. 'I know you're just trying to help, but false reassurances aren't making anything better.'

  'I know, I'm sorry.'

  'Do you know what I really need?' He asks.

  'What?' I ask a little too eagerly, because I feel useless here. My mom is at least helping by fetching food and coffee. Julie may not be here, but she's at his house helping by watching the kids, and I'm just sitting here saying stupid things that I can't know are true. 'Anything you need, I'm your girl. I can and will make anything happen. Well...I mean anything that's within my physical capabilities. If there's a possible way I can do something, anything, then I'll do it.' I'm rambling and force my mouth to stay closed, pressing my lips together. He laughs, and that makes me feel a little better.

  'I just need a hug.' He says it sheepishly, as if he's handing in his man card just by saying that, but I don't see it that way. His world is shattering with him still standing on it, and there's nothing he can do to stop it from breaking apart. So I do what I can to help.

  I lean forwards and throw my arms around him. The metal arms of our chairs are digging into my stomach, but I don't care. I just hug him.

  'Hugs I can do.' I say quietly.

  'Thanks for coming Libs.'

  'Sure.' I hold him for just a second longer, and then pull away and tuck myself back up onto my seat.

  'My mom drew up a will the other day.' He says, and the sudden announcement of this sends a chill running through my entire body. It's so final. Almost like she's giving up, even though I know that's not why she did it. She wouldn't ever give up on living for her children. She'll fight this. She just needs to be prepared. I get that. Still, hearing that she's made a will stings a little. I can't imagine how it must feel for Charles.

  'She did?'

  'Yeah,' he nods, 'she had me call her lawyer and get her to come over to the house. Then she sat down, and made up a will...the basic gist of it is, that since the house is fully paid for, and belongs to her because her mom signed it over to her when she died, the house isn't in any way, legally I mean, my dad's. So she doesn't have to leave it to him if... well anyway.' He sort of half shrugs and keeps his eyes on the floor, 'She's leaving it for me and... and if something,' he takes a breath and forces out the words, 'if something happenes then she's naming me legal guardian of the kids. I won't be able to properly take them into my charge until I'm eighteen next April, so if...' His eyes fill with tears. I drop my hand onto his forearm. It's the tiniest gesture of comfort. Not enough. Nothing will be.

  'Char you don't have to tell me all this. Not if it's too much.'

  'No, it's ok, it's... sometimes I just need to talk about it, about what will happen if the worst happens. I don't like to, but I know my mom will want me to be prepared, just in case. I just... I can't talk to my mom about it, because she's just so practical about everything, wanting to get it all into place, and it kills me to hear her talk like that. I've tried talking to Julie and she just changes the subject whenever I bring it up, and I don't want to throw it onto the kids, because they're all so young. Sometimes I just need to talk about the reality of all this, you know? Everyone, all my other friends from school, and my Aunt and Uncle, everyone just keeps saying not to worry, that things will get better, but if they don't...I'm sorry. I shouldn't be unloading this on you. If my girlfriend doesn't want to talk about it, then I'm sure you don't.'

  'It's fine. Honestly Char, I'm your best friend so if you need to talk, then I'll listen for as long as you need me to.' I angle my body in the chair, legs still under me and metal arm now stabbing into my back. But I ignore the painful position, because now I can see him properly. I keep my hand on his forearm. 'So,' I keep my voice calm, 'you can't take charge of them legally until next April, so if anything happens before you're eighteen, what then?' I ask.

  'If anything happens, then my Aunt Gina has agreed to move in until I turn eighteen. She'll become a temporary guardian to all of us until she hands over custody to me when I'm eighteen. She can't take on the kids full time, because she's got four kids of her own, and my mom doesn't want us all to be uprooted to Montana even if my Aunt did h
ave the room for us. So, I'll be taking them on.'

  'Are you ok with that?'

  'Yeah.' He nods, 'It's really the most sensible option. We don't have any other family who could take us in. Grandparents all dead, mom's sister is our only Aunt, we don't have any Uncles.'

  'Char,' I don't want to ask, but he wanted reality and I need to give him that, 'what about your dad?'

  'That's the tricky part. Technically, since he's our father, he has legal custody of us, so what my mom's lawyer wants to do is track him down, and either get him to face up to his responsibility as a father, or he has to sign away his claim to custody. It just makes things simpler, if he signs rather than just isn't around.'

  'Maybe he'll come home.' I say.

  'Maybe.' His shoulders lower a little. 'I doubt it.'

  'Ok,' I drum my fingers against his forearm gently, more of a distraction for me, I think, 'and what about school? College?'

  'I'm not going back to school at the end of summer.' He looks from the floor to me. My mouth hangs open, and I can feel my eyes getting wide. Charles is top of all of his classes, he wants to go to college and then medical school. If he could afford it, he'd be going Ivy League. He must see a look on my face, because he speaks before I can, 'Don't try and talk me out of it Libs. I've made up my mind. If by the end of summer my mom's... gone.' He swallows hard, swallowing back the tears, 'Then I have to be around for the kids, because even with my Aunt here, she'll still need me around and I'll have to work to help with money, so no time for school. If my mom's still sick, then I need to be home for her and the kids. I hope that she'll be better. I'm hoping like crazy that she'll respond to treatment and she'll make a full recovery, but if she doesn't then I can't go back to school.'

  'So, what will you do?'

  'I'm going to get my GED at home. I've spoken to the school, and they said that if I need to, I can do my senior year online, just coming in occasionally for meetings with the guidance councillor and basically to touch base. I'll fit in studying around watching the kids and helping my mom, and working. Then...I don't know, if mom gets better I might be able to start college as planned, but if she doesn't beat this.' Another pause. 'Maybe in a few years once April starts kindergarten, I might go to community college part time. Then I may be able to do my medical training at a later date, or I'll do something else. In the meantime, I'll get a part time job. It's going to have to be part time for now, because April will need someone with her while the others are at school, and while I'm at work and I can't pay for a full time sitter or day care for that long. I just won't be able to afford it, not on whatever wage I can make and the welfare that mom gets, and if she doesn't...make it, then the life insurance won't...' He breaks down, big broken sobs racking through him and shaking his whole body. I lunge over the seats again and throw my arms around him.

  'It's ok Char, we'll figure it out. You have Julie and me and my mom and Matt and Julie's parents. We'll figure it out together, ok?'

  'I don't want to lose her.' His arm curls around me, keeping me close as he cries.

  'I know.' I don't know what else to say. I can't say that he won't, because he might. He might lose his mom and I can't even begin to understand what he must be going through. So I don't say anything else. I just hold him tight until my Mom returns to the waiting room. Charles immediately pulls back from me, wipes his eyes and excuses himself, claiming he needs to find a bathroom. I know he just doesn't want anyone else to see him crying.

  'Everything ok?' My mom asks, sitting beside me and taking my hand. I look at her and break down myself. The tears I'd been holding back for Charles' sake are now flowing freely.

  'No.' I shake my head. 'Nothing seems ok anymore.'

  Fourteen – Charles

  The hospital decides to keep my mom in for a couple of days for observation, mostly because they're concerned she's developing an infection. I feel awful walking out of the hospital without her. I feel awful that I can't give her the kind of care that she needs at the moment. I can't give her enough.

  I also feel awful that I broke down in front of Libby today. I've been doing such a good job of holding it together, acting strong even when I feel like I'm about to lose my grip and go absolutely crazy. I've held it together because I had to. Today in the hospital with Libby, I somehow felt able to finally let go, and though I feel awful for putting all of that on Libby. It's helped. Being able to let it all out, has helped.

  Now I'm sitting in the back of Mrs Reid's car, with Libby alongside me and I'm feeling numb. I hadn't meant to unload so much on her today. I wanted to talk to Julie about it first, but she never wants to discuss anything to do with my mom's illness. I understand it, because it is a depressing subject, so I try and steer clear of it when I'm around her. It would be nice though if I could talk to my girlfriend about this stuff, just once so that I didn't have to go through all of this alone. Well. I glance over at Libby. I guess I'm not quite alone.

  The worst part of unloading on Libby, though, is that ever since her mom walked in and saw me sobbing on Libby's shoulder like a five year old, she's started looking at me differently.

  When my mom first got sick Mrs Reid would look at me with sympathetic looks, and offer up kind hugs or empty reassurances that were always well meant. Now, though she's looking at me with more than sympathy and reassurance. She's looking at me with pity, like she thinks I'm going to lose my mom and she feels bad for me. Like she's given up hope.

  I'm not ready to give up hope though. I'll do what my mom wants by talking over, and putting in place plans for the future if she doesn't make it, but I'm not willing to accept that she won't pull through. She's still on chemo, and there's still the possibility that if it shrinks enough, they'll operate in the upcoming months. So even though sometimes I may need to talk to someone, someone who apparently is going to be Libby, about what will happen if she doesn't pull through. I'm not willing to give up on hoping that she'll get better. Which is why it hurts really bad that Mrs Reid seem to have given up hope.

  It makes me nervous. It makes me feel like my mom has confided something in her which she hasn't told me, but that wouldn't be possible. I've been with her for all of her appointments. Anything the doctors have told her, they've told me too. Besides, she'd want to prepare me, that's what this whole will thing has been about. Preparation for a future I don't want to plan for. So I know she hasn't been hiding anything from me, which only serves to make me think that maybe Mrs Reid is seeing something that I'm not. I know that Libby's grandfather died of cancer before she was born. Mrs Reid helped her mother, nurse him when she was nineteen, so what if Mrs Reid is seeing something with my mom that she saw in her own father. I don't want to think about that.

  I glance over at Libby, and she's biting her lower lip. Lost in concentration as she stares at the headrest of the seat in front. I wonder what she's thinking about. I wonder if she knows what it's like to lose a parent.

  I don't know what happened to her dad. I don't know if she never knew him, if he took off at some point in her life, or if he died. She never mentions him, and if anyone has ever brought him up, which most people know not to do, she avoids all questions and the subject is swiftly changed. Usually with a topic so far away from her father, that you know not to try and change it back.

  I've never thought he was dead. I always assumed that if he was, Libby or Pippa or their mom would mention him, or have pictures of him. They don't though, not one picture in their entire house is of him, so I always assumed he'd just left them. He could be dead, though, and maybe the grief is so bad that they can't face talking about him or seeing his picture. Maybe that's how it works. I wouldn't know. I don't want to know.

  I've never really known grief. My grandparents all passed away either before I was born, or when I was so young that I didn't really understand. My parents are both still alive. My aunt is alive and so is her husband. My great grandparents died before I was born. So I've never lost anyone close to me. I don't know how I'd react. I don't kno
w if I'd hide away all of the photos and never talk about my mom if I did lose her. I can't imagine that I would, but then I can't imagine not having my mom around.

  We pull up outside our houses just as the sky is starting to grow dark. There are lights on in all of the rooms in my house, which is strange because there can't be somebody in every room, and we're all in the habit of switching lights off when we leave a room. I don't see why Julie would have turned them all on. There's no need for her to of even been upstairs, other than to go to the bathroom, and she wouldn't have been up to the attic room, even if she had gone upstairs. Lewis could be up there, but the whole house is glowing and it's not even fully dark out yet.

  'Do you need anything before we head home Charles?' Libby's mom asks once we're all out of the car. Libby and me standing with our backs resting against the side of the car, while her mom stands at the edge of her path.

  'No, I think I'm ok. Thanks for the ride and everything. I really appreciate it.' I have control again. I'm not a wreck like I was in the hospital, and I'm able to get out a full sentence in a calm way, which I couldn't do on the ride back to the house, which was entirely silent.

  'Ok, well if you do need anything then you know where to find us.' Mrs Reid smiles at me and her eyes are flooded with pity. I have to turn away from her gaze in order to keep a grip on the calm exterior I've gotten a hold of.

  'Mom, I'm going to hang out at Char's for a bit. To help clear up the yard and stuff.' Libby says as she pushes off of the car. Her mom looks at her watch.

  'Not long, ok?'

  'Sure mom.' Libby nods.

  'You don't have to help out.' I say.

  'I know I don't, but I'm going to anyway.' She smiles which relaxed me, so I smile back. Between her and Julie, I think I may actually be able to handle this. Tonight, when I needed them most, they both stepped up and helped out.

  'Ok, so like I said, not too late and try coming home through the front door, and not the roof.' Mrs Reid raises an eyebrow.