Normally in August I'd go on vacation with my parents, but this year they've decided that I don't deserve a vacation.
I haven't been fair to anyone this summer. My friends and my family, have all been hurt by me. Charles, who has never been anything but wonderful to me. I treated him like dirt.
I feel sick when I think about it, because yes, I didn't love him, so it was the right thing to do to end things. But I ended things because he wasn't paying me enough attention, and now his mom is dying and I'm left feeling like the worst person in the world.
I was supposed to be his girlfriend, and even though I wasn't in love with him, I do love him as a really close friend. I care about him, and yet I wasn't there for him when he needed me the most. Libby was.
I got Libby to come home because I was feeling selfish, and I knew that if I told her I'd stop eating if she didn't come, that she'd get back here as soon as she could, and it felt really good to have that kind of control. It felt good knowing that she was willing to come home to spend time with me.
Then I spent so much time working on finding her father, that I didn't spend any time with her, and then once I'd found him, she ended up hating me for it. Now she's gone away for the rest of the summer, and Charles is gone, and I don't anticipate either of them keeping in touch with me while they're gone.
Charles' mom is dying, she won't be alive when I leave for France, and I won't be able to say goodbye to her because she's there and I'm here. I've known her my entire life, and now she's also been alienated from me, because of the way I treated her son.
I stare at myself in the mirror. My new haircut and make-up still surprise me sometimes. I pass the mirror and expect to see my Marie Antoinette style peering back at me, and instead I get this sixties look. I like it, I really do, but I can't help thinking about what Libby said to me. I can't just change the outside appearance of who I am. I need to take a proper look at my personality, on what makes me, me.
I've always been told that I can have whatever I want, and that I'm special and deserve the best in life. I've been handed the best education since I was in kindergarten. I was given a $500 allowance when I was nine. When I was sixteen I got my first credit card with no limit. I was bought a car when I passed my test. I've been promised an apartment in whatever city I choose to go to college in. I've practically been given a free ride into either Princeton or Harvard, because those are the schools my parents went to, and they've donated a considerable amount of money. Though with my grades, I'd probably get in on my own.
I grew up with Charles as my best friend, and when I noticed how much he adored me, I decided that he was going to be my boyfriend, and that happened as well. Then when I wasn't happy with the way he dressed, I tried to change it, even though he resisted and never actually wore the stuff I bought for him, except when he was trying to win me back. I still let him know that I wasn't happy with the way he was, even though he's the sweetest guy I've ever met.
I let Libby into our group and became really close to her, because I found her interesting, and honestly, when she moved here I already knew that at some point I'd want Charles as my boyfriend, and I kind of saw her as a threat. I thought that if she wasn't my friend, that she would think that Charles was available, and I knew deep down that if he had the chance to pick between us, he'd probably choose her.
So I made her my friend, so that I could tell her I liked Charles and she would know that he wasn't an option for her. I ended up really liking her and she has genuinely become my best friend, but the reason I made her my friend in the first place, was selfish.
As I trace back my friendship with Libby and Charles, looking over all the things I've done and said to them, I know that I've been an awful friend. I've been critical and judgmental, and I've tried to mold them into the friends I felt I deserved.
Libby was right, I saw them as dolls that I could play with and I didn't see anything wrong with that. Now I see it, and it's too late. They're gone and I can't go over to their houses and tell them how stupid I've been. I can't beg for their forgiveness and convince them that I'm really trying to change. It's too late.
'Mom.' Two days into August I walk out to the pool and sit beside my mom on one of the deckchairs which line the large outdoor swimming pool.
'Yes, honey?' She looks up from her tablet.
'Mrs Parsons is dying.'
'Yes.' Mom's smile drops and she puts her tablet aside, 'Yes, I know.'
'She was your best friend once, right?'
'Yes, she was.'
'But...you kind of grew apart, even though you both ended up moving to the same town.'
'Her husband worked for your father, we were friends for a long time, but in the end it started to get a little bit awkward. I'll always care about her, but we did drift apart as friends. We're not as close as we were, we haven't been for a long time.'
'Because you and dad are rich, and Mr and Mrs Parsons never were?' I question. Surely it can't be something so simple as that. A class division, which shouldn't matter.
'Partly.' My mom sighs, 'But it's not as simple as that. It's true that the fact that we had money was a large part of why we drifted apart. Our families were headed in two different directions. We got richer and they got poorer. They had more and more kids, all squeezed into that tiny house, and we had you in this place.' She looks at the house and then back to me. 'Your father built up his company, but sadly Charles' father wasn't willing to put in the hours to gain promotion, and then... your father had to let him go. He wasn't a good employee, and he made it perfectly clear that he resented taking orders from your father.'
'Dad fired Mr Parsons?' When? How is it that I never knew about this?' I knew that he'd stopped working for my dad, but shouldn't I have cared enough to find out why?
'It would have been around about the time that Libby moved to town.' My mom rubs her temples, 'I tried to stay in contact with Charles' mom, but except to talk about you and Charles, we didn't really talk much. Then...' she sighs again.
'And then?' I push.
'Then I tried to offer them some money. It was when April was born, and Mr Parson's had left. Suddenly she had six kids in that tiny house. It was ridiculous. I couldn't stand it, so I went to Charles' mom, she was struggling from pay cheque to pay cheque, and so after a while of seeing her like that, I offered her some money.'
'How much?'
'Enough to buy a bigger house, a new car, get the kids some new clothes and...I offered to pay the tuition for Charles to go to your school.'
'Mom.' I gasp, 'that's way too much. They were your friends, not a charity you were on the board of.'
'I know that. I know it now at least, but back then I was trying to help. They didn't have money and I had an abundance of it. Thinking back, I know it was wrong of me, I should have maybe offered her a loan if she needed and wanted it. I could have offered to help watch the kids so that she could work longer hours, but at the time, I just thought I could swoop in and fix it all.'
'Yeah,' I sigh, 'I guess I get that. You thought you could be the hero?'
'What makes you say hero?' My mom asks.
'Oh, I don't know,' I shrug, 'I...I did something recently, something I knew was wrong, but I did it because I thought it would make Libby and Charles see me as a hero, and... Charles is always joking around that Libby has superpowers. I guess that I was kind of jealous. Even though I didn't want to be his girlfriend anymore, I kind of wanted him to think of me as the girl who had the superpowers. I didn't want him to see any other girl as better than me, or...I guess I wanted him to keep on loving me, even though I didn't love him.'
'Oh honey,' she sighs and rubs my hand, 'that isn't how love works. You can't hold onto someone who you don't want to be with. It isn't fair on them.'
'I know.' I shake my head, 'Ok, so what happened? You offered them all of that money...'
'Yes,' she looks down at her hand on mine, 'I did, and she got really upset and angry. She isn't a hugely proud person, she's willing t
o accept help, but what I offered was way too over the top. So after she said no, I offered to just pay for Charles' education. He's just such a bright boy, and I knew he wanted to be a doctor and by then the two of you were dating and...'
'And you didn't think that he was good enough for me, because he went to public school and lived in a small house?'
'No...yes, I don't know.' She stumbles over her words, 'You're my only child, and I've always wanted the very best for you, and so when I saw the chance to elevate Charles' chance in life, I took it and...she's a mother too and she wanted the best for her children, so she agreed.'
'But,' I don't understand, 'he didn't start at my school.'
'No.' My mom shakes her head, 'He came here one day while you were out, and he told us very politely, but making his meaning very clear, that he didn't want our charity, and that if we didn't think he was good enough for you, then there was nothing he could do about it, because he wasn't willing to take handouts. Your father really respected him for that, and so we never pushed the issue.'
'He never told me.'
'No.' My mom shakes her head, 'He asked us not to mention it.'
'Oh.'
'Honey, I don't think he wanted to keep it from you because he didn't trust you enough to talk about it. I think he felt embarrassed that he wasn't able to be the guy that we made it clear we wanted him to be.'
'I made it clear as well.' I reply, 'I mentioned to him and Libby that they should go to my school, on more than one occasion. I tried to dress them up in designer clothes, and make them more like me.'
'We all try and do things for our friends, perhaps sometimes we're just a little misguided.'
'Yeah,' I sigh heavily, 'maybe we are.'
'Are you ok honey?'
'No,' I shake my head, 'mom do you think I'm selfish?'
'Of course not.' She replies, but she says it too quickly and she doesn't look at me when she says it. She leans back in her chair, her hand moving from mine and curling around her tablet.
'You're just saying that because I'm your kid.' I snap, 'But I don't want you to lie to me. I just want the truth mom, am I pushing my friends away because I only ever think of myself?'
'If you think that, then why don't you try and do something to change it?'
'But what?' I say loudly, I stand up and pace in front of her. 'I don't know what I'm supposed to do to make them like me again. I want them to see that I can be a good friend. I want them to stop thinking that I'm selfish. I don't want to go away to boarding school knowing that I lost my two best friends. I want...'
'Julie,' my mom raises a hand to stop my rant, 'think about what you just said.'
'I don't understand.'
'You keep talking about what you want, not what they might need from you to see you as a good friend. Not what you can do to be a better friend, you keep saying that you want them to like you, you don't want to leave with them angry at you.'
'You do think I'm selfish.' I drop back down onto the chair. 'I knew it.'
'I don't, but sometimes you need to think about what other people need from you. So what do you think Charles and Libby need from you right now?'
'They...they're in Arizona basically waiting for his mom to die.' I say, shaking as I do, 'I think they need support.'
'Ok, good, then that's what you need to give them.'
'But...I don't know if I can handle being around her when she dies.'
'You have to be strong Julie, your two best friends need you. Charles is about to go through something awful, and he needs to know that you're there for him.'
'But...they won't want me there, they're both mad at me.'
'A true friend would offer help and support, even when it's uncomfortable for them. If you think they need you there, truly need you and you're not just doing it to make yourself look good, then you need to go.'
'You wouldn't mind if I left and spent the rest of the summer in Arizona?'
'No, I wouldn't mind.' She smiles at me reassuringly. 'Call them up, ask them if you can come, and tell them that you're sorry and you want to help. If he explicitly asks you not to come, then respect that, but if he needs your help, then help him. No matter how hard it's going to be.'
'Ok.' I get up again, 'Ok, I'll call.'
Forty Nine – Libby
I'm lying on my back at the end of the jetty, trying to enjoy the early morning air, before everyone wakes up in the house. I couldn't sleep because it's already impossibly hot, so I decided to come out for an early swim to cool off. Now I'm laying in my bathing suit, on my towel on the jetty and I'm watching the dawn slip into day.
The birds are singing and the water is splashing against the posts of the jetty, and it would be perfect if it wasn't for my phone buzzing beside me.
I shouldn't have brought it down to the jetty, but I was worried that Charles might need something, and if he couldn't leave to come and get me, or didn't have time, then he might phone me. Instead I've been getting constant calls from Julie.
In my head, I know that the one thing I can do to stop the buzzing, is to switch the phone off, but then if Charles calls me, I won't know. The other thing I can do is answer it. So I sit up, take a breath and then answer the phone.
'Hi Julie.' I say slowly.
'Hi, I've been trying to call you and Charles all morning and...never mind it doesn't matter. How are you?'
'I'm fine.' I reply, surprised that she stopped her complaining. 'Is everything ok?'
'It's fine, nothing has happened here that's bad. I've just been doing a lot of thinking recently. You're mad at me, I know that and I completely understand why. What I did was unacceptable and I'm so, so sorry. I just...'
'You just what Julie?'
'Do you think we could maybe put this behind us?' She says, and then hurriedly adds more, 'not for me, but...you guys are out there because Charles' mom is dying, right?'
'Yeah.' I sigh, 'Char's...he's putting on a brave face for the kids, but it's breaking his heart.'
'I want to help.'
'You what?'
'Do you think he needs help?'
'I'm here so...we're fine.' I reply.
'I know that you're better at supporting him, you always have been. I know that I've been a terrible friend to both of you, but Libby his mother is dying, and I don't want him to think that I don't care, because I do. I really do care about him, I care about both of you. So if you guys need me, I'll come out there and I'll do whatever I can. I'll take care of the kids, or clean, or sit with his mom while he gets some rest. I'll do the shopping or just sit and listen if either of you need to talk. Please Libby, I've made some mistakes but I really want to help.'
'Ok.' I say, because in the end this is for Charles, and he could use all the help he can get right now. He's known Julie his whole life, and I know that he's hurting that they're not close any more. If she can be here, truly be here for him, then I can't let my issues with her get in the way.
'Ok like I can come?' She asks.
'Yes.' I say looking up towards the house. Charles is walking out of the door and down to the jetty. He waves as he sees me and I lift one hand up in greeting.
'Thank you Libby, thank you so much.'
'I'm not doing it for you.' I say as Charles reaches me.
'Who is it?' He mouths.
'Julie.' I mouth back and he nods like he isn't surprised. I guess because she's been calling him as well.
I wrap up the call with Julie as quickly as I can. Getting the details out of her about what flight, she'll be on, and agreeing to drive to the airport and pick her up when she arrives. Once I've hung up the phone, I place it beside me and smile tiredly up at Charles.
'Everything ok?' He asks, sitting down next to me.
'Julie's going to come out here.' I say it carefully. I know that he misses her, I'm just not sure he's ready to fully forgive her yet. The thing is though, I know he's not angry at her about the break-up any more. He's moved on and that's great, he's mad at her for what she did
to me, and I hate that I'm the one coming between such a long friendship. I want to fix it for them, and if this is the way I have to do it, then I'll have to handle seeing Julie here.
'Really?' He raises an eyebrow, 'She knows why we came here, right?'
'Yeah,' I nod, 'she says she wants to help, and I kind of believe her. I think what she did, and what happened afterwards... I think I kind of gave her the wake up call that she needed. I think she's really trying.'
'So...are you ok with her coming here?' He asks.
'I'm ok if you're ok.' I reply.
'Then I guess we're ok.'
'Part of me feels like I should be grateful to her, because without her my dad wouldn't be locked up. I don't know, it's like part of me is so angry at her for breaking my trust in the way she did. Then part of me wants to hug her for being the reason he came back into my life, so that I could once and for all draw a line under that part of my life. Things with my dad, they really mess me up, and now I can finally say goodbye to all of that. I just...I get so messed up thinking about it.'
'I don't blame you. Libs, what he did to you was awful. I thought I had a bad dad because he walked out on us, but yours,' he shakes his head, 'I'm guessing all of your little freak outs this summer have been about him. The mixer from Julie, and when I dressed up like a rich boy.'
'You guess right.' I nod, 'The dressing up thing was a bit of a trigger, because my dad had this whole other personality that he hid behind when he was outside the house. The upstanding police chief who could do no wrong. Then he'd come home and beat me and my mom. I just started hating the idea of pretending to be something you're not. I guess that's why I felt so uncomfortable when Julie restyled me, and why I got all weird when you changed how you looked.'
'I get that.' He nods. 'And dare we mention the mixer?' He nudges me lightly and I smile.
'Well, my dad always used to feel remorse after he hit us. It never stopped him from doing it again, but he used to try and buy our forgiveness. We had a lot of money back then, and the worse the beating, the better the gift. So when Julie tried to buy my forgiveness with and expensive gift. I kind of lost it. That scares me.'
Between Now and Goodbye Page 28
