'Why?'
'Because, my dad loses it and beats people up. Whenever he had a bad day at work, or we forgot a rule, or broke something...I have my triggers as well, and though I've never been violent, I do get angry when one of those triggers is hit.'
'You're not like your dad Libs, you're the kindest person I know.' He places his hand on the wood beside mine, and his little finger brushes mine. I feel a fizz of energy charge through me. I thought I was done with these weird little moments, but they're still here, and getting more frequent.
A lot of the time I'm around Charles recently, things have been strange between us. One minute we'll be perfectly normal best friends, and then all of a sudden we'll drop into this weird space, where it's like we're magnetized to one another. Where the smallest touch of his hand to mine, can send my head spinning. It's spinning now, and my breath is coming out a little slow.
'I hope I can be a better person than he is.' I say slowly.
'You already are.' He says quietly. 'Libs, the simple fact that you came out here with me. That you came home when Julie asked you to. That you've been here for me all summer while I've been dealing with my world falling apart. That makes you a better person. Besides,' he nudges me with his shoulder, 'Do you think I'd be best friends with someone who was in any way evil?'
'No way,' I laugh, 'you're far too good.'
'Well, there you have it.' He grins, and the weird energy slips away. I grin back at him.
'I'm glad I came here.' I say honestly. 'I'm glad you asked me.'
'I couldn't have done this without you.'
'You could have.' I lean myself back on my hands and look up at the sky, 'but you shouldn't have to...Have you heard anything from your dad?'
'Not directly.' He replies. My head snaps to him. Not directly means there has been something.
'Meaning?' I ask.
'Meaning,' he sighs, 'the investigators who were looking for him, to get his view on me becoming a legal guardian for the kids...'
'Yeah?'
'Well, they found him. He's been living in Florida.'
'When did all of this happen?'
'A week ago.'
'Why didn't you tell me?' I burst out.
'Because... Libs, he doesn't want to come back. He's signed away his parental rights.'
'Char.' I breathe his name and wrap my arms around him.
'I didn't want to tell anyone because it made it all too real, but I can't hide from it anymore. There's no use clinging onto the hope that he'll show up. He can't handle seeing my mom die. He can't handle being a part of this family without her. He...he sent a letter back to the investigators.'
'He did?'
'Yeah, he sent one to my mom and one to me. An explanation of sorts.' Charles pushes his hand into the pocket of his jeans, and comes out with a piece of crumpled paper. 'I was going to throw it out, but something stopped me. I haven't read it yet. Mom read hers, she said that he was apologetic and tried to explain. I'm not sure I want to know what he's said to me.' He hands me the letter, 'But I suppose I'll have to know at some point.'
'You should read this yourself.' I say, running my finger over Charles' name on the envelope.
'I can't Libs.' He shakes his head, 'I know that makes me weak...'
'It doesn't.' I interrupt.
'I just can't.' He sighs, 'Would you?'
'Of course.' I take a second to make sure he doesn’t change his mind, and then I slide my finger along the seal, opening it up and I start to read. 'Charles, there's so much that I need to say, to apologize for, but I know you well enough to know that nothing I can say can ever make you forgive me for what I've done. All I can say is that I'm well aware that I've failed this family. Not just since your mothers illness, but before that. I was in and out of work, struggling to pay the bills and too proud to accept help which was offered. I couldn't take care of you before your mother got sick, and then when she did. I couldn't face seeing the woman I love die. Maybe that makes me a coward, in fact, I'm certain that it does, but there it is. I'm trying to be as honest as I can, because you deserve that.' I pause to make sure Charles wants me to keep going. He's staring over the water, but gives me a tiny nod, so I continue, 'I hope that you'll be able to make a better go at keeping the family together. I don't have the strength to do it myself. I've failed you all, and you're better off without me. So I've signed away my parental rights, and as harsh as that sounds, I want you to know that I'm doing this for you, it's for all of you. I was a useless father before, and without your mother and her strength, I would have been even worse. You can hate me if you like, I hate myself for what I've done, but I've always been a runner. I'm not like you, you get your strength from your mother, your ability to stand up to any pressures that arise, that's all her. I want you to know that I love you, I love your mom and I love your brothers and sisters. I just can't see myself ever being a good father to any of you. I'm sorry, I'll never be able to tell you how sorry I am. Words are ineffective. Take care of them the way I know you can. I'm so proud of the man you are, the man I could never be. I'm sorry, I love you and I'm sorry.' I fold the paper up and keep it in my hands, 'Char, are you ok?'
'Selfish.' Charles says darkly, grabbing the letting from my hand and tearing it clear down the middle. I watch him as he tears the two pieces a few more times, and then throws it over the side of the jetty into the water. 'How can he be so selfish? He doesn't think he's good enough to take care of us. He thinks he'll only mess up our lives, so he takes off and messes them up irrevocably. Doesn't he know what I've had to give up because of him? Doesn't he know how badly he's broken my mom's heart?' The anger bleeds from him and fades into sorrow, and his resolve crumbles.
'Char I am so sorry.' I hold him close to me. 'I wish I could make this better.'
'I can't believe how selfish he can be. He didn't leave for us, he left for himself and he doesn't even have the guts to own up to that.'
'Tell me what I can do.'
'There isn't anything.' He shakes his head. 'It is what it is. He's gone for good. He's just another person I have to say goodbye to this summer. He won't be back again and mom's...Libs how am I going to handle this?'
'You're already handling it.' I say, letting him cry against my shoulder. 'You're already taking care of everyone and everything that needs taking care of.'
'I wanted it to be different. I wanted him to come home. However angry I was at him, I wanted him to come back. Pathetic.'
'It's not pathetic. I used to spend ages hoping my dad would suddenly change. I used to dream about being part of a normal family, one where my dad didn't hit me so hard that I'd black out sometimes. I hoped for the impossible, what you hoped for should have been a very real possibility. I hoped for it. I even thought he would come home. I thought he'd come to his sense and come back to you all. I never imagined he'd do this.'
'Neither did I.' He says quietly. I pull back from him and smile weakly.
'None of us ever imagine our parents could be capable of things like this.' I say catching his eye, 'What matters, though, is how you react to it when it does happen. You can't let it break you. I almost let my dad break me, but I managed to pull myself out of the darkness he created. You can do the same. You're so strong, and I'm so proud of you for doing all of the things you've done for your family. You have to rise to this challenge the way you've risen to all of the others, because you can do it. You're not alone, you're never alone. I'm here, for whatever you need. I'm here.' I say firmly. 'There's time right now before you lose your mom...' I'm tearful but it has to be said, 'there's time between now and goodbye, so make the best of it. Don't let him ruin these moments for you. Because you're too strong to let him break you.' I breathe out and give him a small smile, and that's when he kisses me.
Fifty – Charles
I must still be in the house, tucked up and asleep because there's no way that I'm not dreaming right now. Even if it is a dream, it's far fetched that I would be kissing Libby in that dream, because s
he's my best friend and that automatically means that I wouldn't be kissing her. Yet, I'm sitting on the jetty in the early morning sunshine, after just having a small breakdown about my father. My hand is on her cheek, my other on the back of her neck. She's leaning towards me, her hands around my neck, pulling me close, and I'm kissing her.
She didn't move at first, she just sat there lifelessly and I don't blame her. If I'm this shocked and I'm the one who kissed her, then how shocked must she be right now. I can't even believe I'm doing this. I am though, and she is. She's kissing me back and her hands are now tangling in my hair and...and I'm kissing Libby. Oh my goodness I'm kissing Libby.
I pull away sharply and look at her. She seems as shocked about the breaking of the kiss, as she did about its beginning. Her eyes are wide and a little hazy, her mouth is open just a touch and she's breathing hard. My own breath is coming out raggedly and I can't quite hold onto an entire thought, which is why I'm not surprised that she's the first one to talk.
'What was that?' She asks, and I'm glad to see that she's not angry or even annoyed. She's just curious and there's a light smile touching her lips, and all I want to do is kiss her again. I almost do, but then I stop myself. She kissed me back, but I'd just been crying in her arms a few moments before, perhaps she was just worried that if she rejected me right away, I'd fall apart again.
'I'm not sure.' I hear the words coming out of my mouth, along with a short bemused laugh, but I'm not in control of what I'm saying. It's like my mouth knows how to behave like a normal human being, and actually come up with words, my head is spinning and can't make sense of what's happening.
'That was weird, right?' She asks, looking at me intently, and I would take the time to evaluate her expression, but all my mind is clinging to is that one word. Weird. She thought it was weird kissing me? Is that because we're best friends and it was out of the ordinary and a shock that it happened? Or is it because it felt weird because she wouldn't ever have feelings like that for me? Do I have feelings like that for her?
I can't have feelings like that for her. She's Libby. My best friend Libby. She's my ex-girlfriends best friend as well. I cannot have feelings like that for her.
'Yeah, weird.' I say, because it has to be weird. She's my best friend, and it isn't like it was with Julie. We were friends first, but we both kind of always knew that we'd date. With Libby, all of this is completely out of the blue.
'So it was...'
'I don't know what came over me, I was emotional and I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that, it was weird and...you're my best friend, I don't want to mess that up.'
'I know.' She smiles softly. 'It's ok, we can just put it behind us.'
'Yeah.' I nod slowly. I already did the dating my best friend thing with Julie, and it didn't end well. I know that it's messed up our friendship, and even if we do manage to fix things, it'll never be like it was before. I don't want that to happen to Libby. But there's a small part, tucked away in the back of my mind, which is screaming that it wouldn't be the same. Libby is different. Libby is worth it.
'So I guess we can just pretend like that never happened.' Libby says. Is she as confused as I am? Does she really want to pretend it never happened? Or does she just think that's what I want?
'I, uh... what do you think?'
'I think that you're going through a lot right now, and you needed someone to be here for you, and I was here.' She replies, 'I think this is probably a bad time for you to be...thinking about...relationships or...anything.'
'You're probably right.'
'I think,' she licks her lips and looks down at the ground, 'that maybe a part of you isn't over Julie, and you're maybe trying to convince yourself that you are, before she gets here.'
'No.' I say it quickly, because for some reason it's really important to me that Libby doesn't think I still have feelings for Julie, because I don't. 'I promise you Libs, I am completely over Julie. We weren't right for a long time, and I've realized that I'm over her. I care about her as a friend, and I'd like to fix our friendship if I can, but that's all.'
'And,' again, she licks her lips, 'you care about me as a friend, right?'
'Right.' I nod, and her eyes lift to mine. For a fraction of a second I think she's upset about what I just said. 'Libs, we're best friends you and me. I don't want to lose you.'
'You never would.'
'So I haven't messed things up?' I ask.
'Of course not.' She shrugs. 'It surprised me, but I don't think it's going to affect our friendship. What's one little kiss, right?' She looks almost tearful now, which is when it hits me. Libby hasn't ever been kissed before, not until a few moments ago when I kissed her. I knew that, she'd told me before. I knew and I still kissed her, and now there's no taking it back. Her first kiss will always be from me, someone she only sees as a friend, and someone who only sees her as...what do I see her as?
'I'm so sorry Libs.'
'Don't be,' she brushes away a few stray tears and laughs lightly, 'it wasn't awful.'
'Yeah?' I smile.
'Yeah,' she smiles back at me, 'why was it awful for you?'
'No.' Again, my response is too quick, and she laughs loudly.
'We are really making a mess of this.' She replies, 'But then I don't really know what I'm meant to say, or how I'm supposed to act in a situation like this.'
'I think you're doing fine.' I reply. 'I really am sorry.'
'Char, it's fine, honestly, it's really fine.' She takes my hand and squeezes it lightly. 'Come on we should get inside, people will be waking up soon, and they're going to be hungry. So I should get started making breakfast, and I'm sure that you've got things you need to be doing as well.'
'Probably.' I say, though for the life of me, I can't remember a single thing I have to do today. She stands up first, wrapping her towel around her and tying her hair up out of her face. I follow a few seconds later, and we both head towards the house together.
I don't see Libby for the rest of the day. She's busy taking the kids swimming, and then she goes into town, and I get the awful feeling that she's trying to avoid me. I try telling myself that I'm being paranoid, that of course she isn't avoiding me, because we're fine. Nothing has changed between us, we're still friends. I haven't messed anything up, I can't have.
When I do finally see her, she's sitting outside with my mom, and both of them are smiling happily. I watch them for a few moments. Libby has an old photograph album on her lap, and I can just imagine my mom showing her embarrassing pictures from my childhood. I think about going over there, sitting with them and defending the awful haircut I had when I was thirteen. Instead, I just watch them while they talk and laugh.
'You're staring.' Katie's voice startles me so much that I jump, whacking my arm into the porch railing as I do.
'No, I'm not.' I say quickly, checking to make sure that my mom and Libby haven't heard me. They haven't turned around, so I think I'm safe.
'I've been watching you for the past five minutes, and you've been staring the whole time.'
'Apparently so were you.' I point out.
'I was observing.' She replies, 'Libby looks pretty tonight.'
'Yeah.' I say before I can think about what I'm saying. 'I mean...I guess so, I didn't really notice.'
'Uh-huh.' The disbelief is clear in Katie's voice, and I don't have the strength or desire to fight her on it.
'So what if I noticed that Libby looks pretty?' I cross my arms over my chest, 'it doesn't mean anything.'
'Perhaps not,' Katie smiles, 'but then again, maybe it does.'
'Katie we came out here because mom's seriously ill, not for me to get a new girlfriend.'
'Why can't it be both?' Katie asks.
'Because it can't. I have other priorities and let's face it, I'm not the greatest catch right now.' I say, because really I'm not. I'm a seventeen year old guy, whose mom is dying, and who is about to take on full responsibility for five kids. I'm not a great prospect for a boyfriend and Li
bby deserves so much more than me. Not that I want to be Libby's boyfriend, because I don't. I don't think.
'Shouldn't that be something that Libby gets to decide?'
'Ok, firstly, Libby is my best friend and she's not interested in becoming more than my best friend. Secondly, I shouldn't be thinking about finding a new girlfriend when mom is dying.' I say it fast and Katie's teasing smile drops. I should have thought before I spoke. 'Sorry.'
'No, it's fine,' she looks out towards mom and Libby, 'we all know that mom's not going to get better, it's just tough hearing it.'
'I know.' I sigh slowly.
'But Charles, don't you think mom would want you to be happy? Don't you think she'd want you to find love?'
'I don't love Libby.' I reply quickly.
'Ok, so you don't love Libby, but you could.'
'Why would you say that?'
'Because dummy, I'm not blind and I'm not a kid. I've seen the way you look at her sometimes, and just recently, it's changed. You're starting to like her in a different way to just best friends. You're acting off around her sometimes, and then sometimes you just look at her like you can't believe you get to spend your time with someone that great.'
'I don't do any of that.' I say quickly. Katie pats my arm.
'Just remember, it's ok for you to fall for someone while mom's ill. You don't have to push away any chance of finding someone you want to be with. Mom wouldn't want that.'
'I need to be focusing on mom.'
'Let's ask her, shall we?' Katie starts walking fast towards them, and I hurry to catch her up, hoping to stop her before she gets them, but she's too fast.
'Hi.' Mom smiles up at both of us as we reach them, and Libby looks up as well. Her eyes catch mine and for a second my heart seems to stop in my chest. Which has to be my imagination, because friends don't make other friends hearts stop, just by looking at them.
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