Once Upon a Caveman

by Cassandra Gannon

  The blue glow sucked them forward, pulling them in. Lucy felt like she was surrounded by something vast and warm. She looked back up at the surface and she could see a brief moment of fiery destruction. Then the water churned around her, obscuring her view. Whatever happened to the island, she would never know.

  Lucy held tight to Rhawn, afraid to let him go for fear he’d be pulled away from her. They stayed under for what seemed like forever, caught in the swirling vortex. Then, just as suddenly as it had appeared, the whirlpool vanished again. It spit them out into dark, dark water, and Lucy didn’t know which way was up.

  Everything was black and it disoriented her.

  She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t breathe! Lucy would’ve panicked, but Rhawn was already moving them through the water. They could have been going any direction on the compass, for all she knew, but she trusted him to figure it out. She gripped Rhawn as close as she could, her lungs burning like fire.

  Then, they were bursting into the fresh air. Finally. Lucy dragged in greedy gulps of oxygen, pushing the wet hair from her eyes. “Rhawn…” she panted, “you… okay…?”

  He nodded, slightly less out of breath, because he was the fittest man on the planet. …Whichever planet they’d landed on. “Are you alright, goddess?”

  “Yeah. Where are we?”

  “I don’t know. But I do not see a volcano. This is a positive sign.”

  Considering they were apparently stranded in the middle of an inky back sea at night, Lucy wasn’t so optimistic. She looked around trying to get her bearings. It was definitely salt water and there seemed to be some kind of large floating structure a few hundred yards away. It was a ship, except it looked wrong somehow. Shit. What if they were stranded on some weird alien future place? What the hell were they…?

  She frowned, as a rhythmic, mechanical noise entered her consciousness.

  “What is that?” Rhawn demanded, staring up at the sky.

  “A helicopter.” Lucy breathed, recognizing the sound. The panic faded enough for her to think and she began to get her bearings. “It’s a helicopter!” She waved a hand in the air, trying to get the pilot’s attention. “Hey, we’re down here!”

  This wasn’t some weird alien future place.

  She was back on Earth. Which was weird and alien, but not in the future.

  This was the same time she’d left. The floating structure off the left was the ship. The Ardin was on its side, but still buoyant enough that survivors clung to its sideways decks. The helicopter was searching for anyone still in the water, probably with some kind of night vision equipment.

  Lucy began to laugh with relief. “Rhawn, we did it! This is home!”

  Rhawn was gaping up at the helicopter an amazed expression on his face.

  “It’s alright.” Lucy touched his face, bring his eyes around to meet hers. “Sweetie, it’s alright. Remember when I told you that picture you drew on your wall was an airplane? Well, that up there,” she pointed to the chopper, “is its baby brother. Just a machine someone invented. We’re safe.”

  Rhawn seemed dazed. “We are in Newyork?” He got out.

  “No.” Lucy grinned as the helicopter’s searchlight flicked on and aimed its beam right at them. “But, we’re definitely on our way.”

  A creature moved beneath the water. Something huge and almost… reptilian. For just a second, Lucy processed a long neck and four primeval-looking flippers. Oh crap. Nothing that looked like that had animal been alive for a couple hundred million years. In fact, she had a real bad feeling about what just swam past them.

  “Ummm…” she glanced at Rhawn, “was that a dinosaur?”

  “No. It is a jigon. It must have traveled through whirlpool with us.”

  “Oh.” Lucy swallowed, watching the creature slip away. “Okay. Because that really looks like a plesiosaurs.” Which technically weren’t dinosaurs, but still no way should it have been alive on planet Ice Age. God, that island was just a paleontological mess. “I think that’s gotta be against the law to import jigon to Earth. Whatever you do, don’t tell anyone we brought it here.”

  “Just be grateful it is not interested in eating us. I told you, they are monsters.” Rhawn seemed unconcerned about letting a Mesozoic creature loose on the modern world. All his attention was focused on the helicopter. “I cannot believe we are really here.” He murmured.

  She shook her head and decided not to worry about destroying the food web with extinct marine life, for the moment. “When they fish us out, just let me do the talking, okay? And if anybody asks, the loincloth you’re wearing is really a designer bathing suit.”

  “I am unfamiliar with that word.” He looked a little overwhelmed. “I am unfamiliar with many words, Lucy.”

  “That’s okay. You’re a genius. You’ll figure it all out.”

  “Are you sure? I can already tell, this world is very different than mine.”

  “I’m sure.” Lucy gave him a quick kiss. “You’ll be fine. Trust me. I know these things. After all, I have it on good authority that I’m the Savior.”

  Epilogue

  Six Months Later

  “I had a dream last night.” Rhawn said in a contemplative tone.

  Lucy turned to look at him over the tops of her sunglasses. “It better not have been about some other girl. I might not have magical powers, but I can improvise with the best of ‘em.”

  The two of them were sitting on their beach, watching the sun sink into the vivid blue sea. Island living wasn’t nearly so bad, now that they were back in the real world. The lack of volcanoes was serious plus.

  Rhawn’s mouth curved. “I dream of no other women, Lucy. You know that.”

  The caveman was fitting into the twenty-first century like a champ. It would probably take a while before he completely adapted to running water, frozen pizza, and Blu-ray players, but it was still impressive to see how quickly he was learning. He even seemed to be okay with the warm weather, although he did keep the air conditioning cranked up to subzero settings.

  “I dreamed of the Clan.” Rhawn continued leaning back in his Adirondack chair, his bare feet resting in the gentle surf. Wearing pants might be old hat for him now, but he was never going to like shoes. She could already tell. “It was more than a dream. It was a vision. I saw them cross the Infinite Sea. It took them three days and they feared they would be lost forever, but finally they landed on a new island. A place of waterfalls and purple flowers and vast herds of mammoths.” He smiled. “They are safe there.”

  “Thank God.” Lucy let out a relieved breath. “I knew they’d be okay, but deep down… I’ve been worried.”

  “There is no need to be. I saw Anniah and Warr-en. They are well.”

  “Good. He’s still a dick, but not a total dick. By the end, I feel like he was kinda my friend and I don’t have a lot of friends. Plus, he makes Anniah happy. I want her to be happy.” She paused. “Do you think we’ll ever see them again?”

  “I do not know how exactly, but… yes.” Rhawn shrugged. “I think we will.”

  “So do I.” Lucy arched a brow. “And if Warren shows up on this planet again, he’s going to love his statue.”

  Clovis was erecting a life-size version of Warren on the courthouse lawn. That town really was desperate for someone special to come from their zip code. For no reason she could possibly imagine, Lucy had fibbed a little bit about Warren’s greatness in her statement to the authorities. In her version, he’d been a cross between Aqua Man and Gandhi, gallantly saving countless lives before he was swept overboard and vanished. The guy who had never been quite good enough was now enshrined in local memory as a hero. They were even talking about renaming the high school in his honor. His parents had never been prouder.

  She’d tried to sugarcoat Taffi’s demise, too, but it was clear Tony didn’t much care. He and Taffi-Two both seemed happy as hell to be free of her. As far as Lucy knew no one had asked about Craig, at all. It made her sad, even though Taffi and Craig’s own ch
oices had led to them being unmourned by the world.

  Still, Jessica Alba was in talks to play Taffi in the upcoming made-for-TV-movie about the cruise ship disaster. According to the Hollywood idiot who called pitching the idea (and who Lucy had promptly hung up on) it was going to be, “Titanic meets Sharknado, man! Only --like-- if John Hughes directed it.”

  Needless to say, Lucy was opting out of the project, but Taffi would’ve loved the idea. In a weird way, she was finally going to be a star.

  Amazingly, everyone else had survived the sinking. Lucy doubted any of them would be eager to go to their twentieth high school reunion, but they were alive. Knowing what a miracle that was, she didn’t plan to waste even a moment of her second chance.

  “Anniah and Warr-en will lead the Clan, after Notan.” Rhawn continued. Mammoth, their cute little dog, came trotting over with a tennis ball and Rhawn obligingly tossed it down the beach for him to chase. “Warr-en is learning the language.”

  “God help those poor people, once he starts talking.”

  Rhawn chuckled. “I must admit that it is far quieter in this world. I quite enjoy the lack of Warr-en ‘ya knowing’ at me.” He sighed in contentment. “I quite enjoy everything here. All my life I dreamed of this world and of you. Now I am living in this magical place, with you by my side, and I have never been happier.”

  God, Lucy loved this guy. “Me neither.” She said sincerely and met his gaze. She no longer had to tilt her head every which way to maintain eye contact with him. His gaze stayed on hers, confident of its welcome. “This is where I was always supposed to be, Rhawn.”

  “So you finally admit I was right about fate?”

  Lucy arched a brow at him. “Well, if this was fate, I think I owe it a big ‘thank you.’”

  “You truly do not miss living in Newyork?”

  “No. Well, I miss the bagels, but it’s a small price to pay.” She looked back out over the water. “I mean, owning our own private island is a lot less stressful than working the checkout counter at a bookstore.”

  Rhawn was adjusting better than anyone else ever could have. He wasn’t even threatening to cook poor Mammoth, anymore. In fact, he seemed to like the scruffy little mutt, once he began to see it as a pet and not a food source. Living in a massive city right away would’ve been too big of a culture shock, even for Rhawn, though. Lucy didn’t want him overwhelmed. It seemed far wiser to start with baby steps. Something familiar for him.

  Luckily, there were thousands of tiny islands in the Florida Keys and you could buy one for a couple million bucks. Which wasn’t really a problem, since that necklace Anniah gave her was worth thirty times that amount. Those huge, roughly-cut diamonds meant that Rhawn and Lucy would be financially secure until the next Ice Age rolled around. All they had to do with the rest of their happily ever after was decide between margaritas and daiquiris.

  Still…

  “I was thinking about the future.” Lucy said, reaching for the sunscreen. “About what we’re going to do with it, now that we’re not being shot at or chased by wolves.”

  “My plans for the future are watching the sunset, practicing lower kissing with my mate, and eating ice cream.”

  “Good plans.” She grinned over at him. “But, I meant beyond the sex and ice cream part.” Rhawn loved ice cream almost as much as he loved sex, so she wasn’t surprised by his agenda for the evening. That’s all a given. The question is: What am I going to do with my life, now? I want to show our daughter that Mom is someone who goes out and accomplishes great things.”

  He leaned over to kiss her temple. “How could she ever doubt it?”

  “I spent fifteen years doubting it.” Lucy squirted some sunscreen onto her rounded stomach rubbing the white goo into her skin. All the websites said it was important to wear a high SPF while pregnant. “No more, though. This time I’m going to be who I’m supposed to be, every single moment.”

  She wasn’t worried about what Rhawn would do. He’d just picked up right where he left off. He’d already invented a half-dozen thingamajigs, using the tools and supplies in his new workshop. One of them was some bizarre-shaped umbrella presently shading them and, Lucy had to admit, it worked great. Once he figured out computers, the guy was probably going to be filing patents every other day. She’d already gotten him a phony birth certificate and social security number, because the paperwork for all his inventions was going to be impossible with it.

  Also, they’d need it for their wedding license.

  Rhawn still though it was ridiculous that Lucy wanted a ceremony to declare them mates. To his mind, they were already married. And she knew he was right. They were married, in every way that mattered. …But she still wanted a wedding and she was going to have it. Besides, Rhawn would love the cake. Especially if there was an ice cream layer.

  It was all going to work our perfectly. Lucy knew that. Only her job had her floundering. What was she going to do next? For a while, she’d contemplated going back for her Ph.D. A thesis on the Ice Age would practically publish itself, now that she’d experienced it firsthand. Maybe someday she’d give that a try. Or she could track down the jigon and become famous for finding the Lock Ness Monster. That would be fun.

  But right now she had a better idea.

  “I was thinking maybe I should write a book.” She told him.

  Rhawn liked that idea. Aside from ice cream, books and pillows were his two favorite parts of modernity. “A book about your time on the island?” He asked excitedly. “I could help you with that. I have many stories of men being eaten by large creatures. I think those would be very popular tales with your people.” He also loved Godzilla movies.

  “I’m sure they would, but that’s not quite what I had in mind.” Lucy murmured. “The book is more about what the island taught me. It’ll be for everybody who isn’t yet who they always wanted to be. Everyone who needs a do-over. Maybe it can help someone figure things out, like I did.” She glanced at him. “I’m going to call it, ‘How to Change the World, In Three Easy Steps.”

  “A very promising title.”

  “I thought so.” She agreed. “Step one is paying attention to how we’re all special. Because everyone is.”

  “It sounds like you are becoming not so antisocial, after all.” He teased.

  “Don’t bet on it. Our kid is going to have your stratospherically high IQ and my terrible people skills. I can already guarantee it.” She shrugged. “But step two is accepting yourself and others for who you are, and not living in the past, so I’m okay with that.”

  Rhawn reached over catch hold of her palm. “Our child will be beautiful and kind and brilliant, just like her mother. She could be nothing else.” He paused. “I would not mind if she had my eyes, though.” Being in a world where eyes came in all colors had helped him to see his weren’t a curse, after all. “Or maybe she could have one green and one brown. That would be fair.”

  “Maybe.” Lucy allowed and smiled at him. “Step three is finding someone who inspires you to be your very best self. The person you really are, deep inside. And that’s what you do for me, Rhawn. I am so, so happy. I wake up every day and Choose you all over again.”

  “You are every dream I ever had.” He kissed the back of Lucy’s hand, although it probably tasted like sunblock. “I would gladly live in any world at all, so long as you were with me.”

  “But ice cream world is way better than the sabretooth one. Admit it.”

  Rhawn laughed and moved their joined hands so the rested on her stomach. “Vando, Lucy.”

  She arched a brow. “One of these days you’re going to have to tell me why you’re always trying to seduce me with the word ‘lungs.’ It’s seriously a weird pickup line.”

  He smirked. “It seems to have served me well, so far.”

  “Yeah, let’s see how lucky you get tonight with that kind of sweet talk.”

  “It technically means no lungs.” Rhawn offered, as if that might help make the endearment more palatab
le.

  It didn’t.

  “No lungs? Lovely. How is suffocation romantic?”

  “It’s to signify a feeling, not the actual lungs in your chest.” Rhawn paused as if he was trying to think of an exact translation. “I cannot breathe when I look at you. You make my heart pound and the air still inside of me. You are the very breath in my body.” He nodded. “That is what I’m trying to say.”

  Lucy met his gaze, her own eyes filming with tears. “So it does mean ‘I love you.’” She said softly.

  Rhawn’s head tilted. “Yes. I supposed it does.”

  “I knew it.” She leaned over to kiss him. “I love you, too, caveman.”

  Rhawn chuckled at that. “I really do love you beyond words, Lucy Meadowcroft.” He agreed with a tender smile. His fingers caressed their growing child and his mouth brushed against hers. “You truly are a goddess.”

  Author’s Note

  Once Upon a Caveman took me about ten years to write. Seriously. I have hundreds of pages of starts and stops, different settings, different characters, different plots… In fact, Wicked, Ugly, Bad and Love in the Time of Zombies both began their lives as drafts for this book. Crazy right?

  If you’ve read Wicked, Ugly, Bad you might remember that it begins in a psychiatric facility. Well, there was a draft of this book where Lucy was in a mental hospital, due to her caveman dreams and hallucinations. If you read Love in the Time of Zombies you might recall that there is a volcano-themed hole on Zeke’s miniature golf course. Well, there was a draft of this book where Zeke was the Warren-ish character and that Fiberglas volcano was a gateway to Rhawn’s island. I knew within one chapter that both of those ideas were wrong for this story and they went in totally new directions. The trouble was I still couldn’t figure out what was right for Once Upon a Caveman.

  It can be frustrating to know chunks of a story, but not be able to see the whole picture. That was me and this book for a long time. The first pieces for Once Upon a Caveman came so easily. I was stuck in an intro to anthropology class, not paying attention to the professor’s boring Power Point. In the glass case on the wall, there was a sabretooth tiger skull sitting on a shelf. The teeth were longer than my pencil. I started thinking about what it must have been like to live in a world where these creatures hunted in the shadows. Instead of taking notes on the brain-size of gibbons, (For real, that was a test question. You see why I was daydreaming?) I started writing down ideas for a time travel story, where a modern girl is catapulted back to the Ice Age. I filled up a whole notebook with my story ideas and then kinda set it aside, unfinished.