Redeeming Justice

by Suzanne Halliday

  Bellowing like a wounded animal, he roared until the veins popped on his neck, grabbing a hold of the laptop and sending it crashing to the floor. Hurling his desk chair next, it slammed into the wall followed in short order by any object in his vicinity that wasn’t nailed down.

  A fury enveloped him. It was one thing to mark this day year after year—that he was used to—but this time the loss was deeper, more profound, because it included something different. Someone new. Life had been the cruelest bitch of all by letting him have a taste of happiness and then mocking him with the cold, hard reminder of who he was, what he’d done, where he’d been.

  Storming from the room in a blind rage, Alex made like a man possessed for the front door, flinging it wide and stepping into the early morning light with a dark savagery etched on every inch of his body. He wanted to fucking kill someone. Wanted to strike out at the entire world for everything he’d lost and all the damage he’d done.

  Jumping into his truck, he started the engine and peeled out of the driveway in a cloud of dust, roaring down the drive as if the hounds of hell were chasing him.

  Meghan stretched slowly, still cocooned in the warmth of Alex’s big bed. His scent wrapped around her like a blanket. Memories of the night flashed in her mind. A small smile curled her lips as she remembered how he’d taken her with a ferocity that had been a total turn on. She’d responded to him in such a primal way. Thinking about it made her shudder with pleasure. He was a magnificent beast. Her magnificent beast.

  Reaching for him, she was surprised to find herself alone in the bed. Thinking he was in the bathroom or maybe getting dressed, Meghan lay there and luxuriated in the aftermath of their lovemaking. Could anything be sweeter than replaying such a bawdy encounter? She didn’t think so. He’d been masterful and demanding. Playing her emotions the entire day until she’d been ripe and ready for whatever he threw at her.

  Smiling, she remembered the sexy boudoir cuffs and the way she’d crawled with hands restrained onto the bed and raised her naked backside in the air for him to use as he pleased. He had turned her into a wanton and try as she might to feel weird about that fact, she couldn’t. She’d been with him every step of the way, even crying out for more when he fucked her aggressively.

  Sitting up, she pushed the messy tangle of her hair away from her face and looked around. As far as could be told, Alex was nowhere in the vicinity. She wondered where he’d wandered off. It was still early. Early enough that she doubted anyone from the agency had need of him.

  Hmmm. What was going on, she wondered.

  Twenty minutes later, freshly showered and dressed, Meghan tiptoed into the kitchen thinking to surprise him at coffee but the house was silent and empty. Maybe the tech cave?

  Making her way down a series of corridors, she pushed open the large doors to the cave and went in search of him. With no lights on except the ones that flickered from the tons of electrical equipment spread around the space, she was baffled by his absence.

  And then she saw it. His corner of tech-heaven had been reduced to rubble. The only thing that hadn’t been slammed into the wall or sent crashing to the floor was the desk itself. Everything else was in pieces. What the hell had happened?

  Sprinting back to the bedroom like a fire was chasing her down, Meghan quickly found her phone and called Alex’s cell. When it went straight to voicemail without ringing, she knew he wasn’t communicating. On reflex, she connected next with Tori’s cell phone. Something was definitely not right. With panic spreading through her body, she hoped Alex’s assistant would have some answers.

  “Meghan. Good lord Irish. Do you know what time it is?” grumbled the groggy, half-asleep voice that answered.

  “Tori. Is Alex with you?” she blurted out.

  She could almost feel Tori shaking her head to clear the cobwebs of sleep from her mind. “Um. No. Draegyn’s in the shower though, but I haven’t seen or heard from Alex. Why? What’s wrong?”

  Meghan didn’t quite know how to answer that question.

  “Can you come up here? To the house, I mean. Something’s wrong.”

  “With Alex? What do you mean Irish?”

  “Look,” Meghan said jerkily. “Just get here as soon as you can. Okay?”

  “Okay, okay. We’ll be there in a few.”

  Meghan heard Tori calling out to her husband as she hit the end button to terminate the call.

  Dammit. She was beside herself. Something was terribly wrong. She could feel it. When the St. John’s arrived a half hour later, Meghan was pacing back and forth by the front door, wringing her hands and trying not to entertain every horrible scenario that popped into her head.

  The expression on Draegyn’s face told her he wasn’t exactly surprised that something was going on. In fact, he had a somber, almost dour look that felt like a foreboding. Meghan swallowed the huge lump forming in her throat as he came toward her.

  “What’s up?” he asked tightly with Tori following close on his heels.

  Unable to form words, she just pointed toward the tech room and waved them on. Scurrying quickly, the minute Drae saw the carnage he loosed a terse, “Fuck,” and turned quickly toward his wife.

  “C’mon computer wizard,” he murmured. “That laptop looks like toast but I know you can access whatever he was looking at. Get me a screenshot of his computer, babe.”

  Meghan saw Tori hesitate and bite her lip as she shot her husband an anxious frown. Drae quickly told her, “And no, I don’t give a fuck and neither should you that he’ll be pissed you hacked into his personal shit. Screw that. The goddamn NSA is probably watching everything he does anyway.”

  It took Tori less than two minutes to do as her husband asked. The minute the date flashed on the screen with the damning document list—nothing but names and a couple of jpegs—he was swearing like it was his job. Without hesitating he pulled his phone from a pocket and tapped on the screen. She heard the sound of ringing and realized he had it on speakerphone. Oh thank God, Meghan hoped silently. Maybe he knew how to get in touch with Alex.

  A pissed off growling voice answered, but not Alex’s.

  “Suck my dick St. John. Why the fuck are you calling at this hour?”

  Drae winced but answered quickly. “Alex is off the reservation Cam. Check the date and then get your ass up here. Fast. This doesn’t look good.”

  She heard Cam mutter, “Fuck,” followed by silence. A minute went by during which he must have checked the date and time, then he said, “Got it. RTB. I’ll be right there.” And the phone went dead.

  Meghan’s anxiety got the better of her. “What’s going on Drae? RTB? What does that mean? Why did you say Alex was off the reservation?” The questions came fast and furious. Tears clogged her throat when Tori put an arm around her waist. “Please tell me what’s happening.”

  Drae looked at her for a hard minute, his ice blue eyes, cold and assessing. He was frightening her but good. A cold shiver swirled in her senses making Meghan start to tremble uncontrollably.

  Tori finally spoke up. “Draegyn,” was all she said but she did it in that tone wives use when they want their husbands to pay attention. He sucked in a huge breath of air and seemed to pull himself together.

  “RTB means return to base. It’s an expression from our military days. Cam will be here in record time.” He looked around again at the mess in the office and frowned. “Alex off the reservation just means he’s not here. Something definitely happened when he came down here and saw what day it is.”

  Turning to his wife he asked, “Did he search for that list or was it…?”

  Before he got any further with the question Tori chimed in. “He had it scheduled for the welcome screen when he logged in today.”

  “Motherfucker,” he mumbled. “Why does he do this to himself?” he asked out loud, pacing restlessly, his eyes intense and hard.

  Meghan had enough. She didn’t know what anyone was talking about. Her nerves snapped and she cried out, “What the fuck is
going on?”

  Draegyn and Tori looked at her stunned. Drae groaned and shook his head.

  “Sorry Meghan. I can see this is freaking you out so I should warn you that it’s probably going to get a lot worse before it gets any better.”

  “Is Alex alright?” she asked in a thready voice overcome with anxiety. “What can I do?”

  Drae waved his hand at the broken equipment and grimaced. “It’s the anniversary of the bombing. The list on his computer was the names of everyone who died.”

  Her “Oh,” formed on her face but she wasn’t sure if the word actually came out of her mouth. The anniversary. Shit. David died on this day all those years ago. Cold fear started making its way into her nervous system. This was the thing that lived in the shadows of Alex’s conscience where dark thoughts and terrible memories constantly threatened to steal his soul.

  “Is he okay Drae? Please tell me.”

  Draegyn moved to her side and wrapped her in a hug. Tori came in from behind and wrapped her arms around Meghan’s waist enveloping her in an affectionate emotional sandwich.

  Drae assured her, “He’s going to be fine honey. Don’t you worry. Cam and I know what to do.”

  Turning to his wife he said, “You ladies should hang out together. Lacey can’t really be running around, and it’d be best if you just let us handle things from here. Okay?”

  What was Meghan supposed to do? She was scared and confused but not a stranger to the dynamic behind what was happening right before her eyes. Her father was a cop; two of her brothers were firemen and the other an EMT. She knew all too well about guilt and survivor’s remorse and the shit storm those emotions could cause. It killed her to think of Alex going through that.

  Last night was fading into memory, and being replaced with things that were scaring the shit out of her. There was nothing to do but wait and see what happened next.

  Meghan was numb and panicked when she let Tori bundle her into an electric cart for the drive to Lacey’s cabin. They passed Cam along the way as he sped by without a wave. It was all Meghan could do not to turn around and return to the house. She didn’t know what help she’d be but she wanted to be in on whatever Cam and Drae were going to do.

  Tori reached out a squeezed her hand reassuringly. “Let the men handle this one, Irish. I told you how complicated these Justice brothers are. I don’t have enough knowledge to offer an opinion, and I doubt Lacey does either about whatever this is, but I bet they’ve been down the road before.”

  Meghan nodded but turned and watched as Cam’s truck disappeared around a bend in the lane. She felt helpless. And even worse, she hadn’t ever spoken of her feelings to Alex—telling him how she felt might have helped. Them not talking about what they were doing or looking at the future had been a critical mistake. She loved him. Like crazy, bat-shit, all encompassing, tie me to the bed and have your way with me, love. And he needed to know that.

  Lacey was on the front porch when they arrived at the cabin. She looked like they all felt. Worried. Confused. It was going to be one hell of a day.

  Hours later Drae and Cam were still working the angles and coming up empty.

  “Still no answer?” Cam asked

  Drae shook his head in the negative and disconnected the phone call. They just looked at each other but said nothing for a long time.

  “He’s an asshole for disconnecting the GPS on the truck. We’ll never track him without it,” Cam bit out tersely. Picking up one of Zeus’s toys that laid nearby, Cam started tossing the small rubber ball against the floor, angling so it then ricocheted on a wood door. The rhythmic sounds drowned out the silence of their thoughts.

  “What the fuck, man,” muttered Drae. “I actually thought we were beyond this, didn’t you?” he asked with a look of sad disbelief all over his face. “He’s been so wrapped up in Meghan these last few week. Guess it was wishful thinking but I really thought…shit.”

  “I know exactly what you thought, and I was right there with you. She’s been good for him. First time ever that he hasn’t been all up in everyone else’s grill about every little thing.” Cam punctuating his words with a fierce toss of the ball, the angry sound echoing his frustration.

  “Wanna go track the back forty? See if he’s skulking out in the desert?” Drae knew they were grasping at straws.

  Cam thought about it for the hundredth time and came up with the same answer. “No. He doesn’t want to be found. Alex knows damn well that’s the first place we’d look which is why we’re still here, pounding sand. I can track anyone but him. The man taught me most everything I know. He isn’t Tori, dude. He’s not gonna suddenly leave a trail a mile wide that we can follow.”

  Drae laughed at the memory of them banding together to track his wayward wife when she did a flit after he’d fucked up one too many times. At least that drama had a happy ending. This situation with Alex didn’t feel like it was going to be that easy. “What do you think set him off, bro? Every other year he’s been a dick, yeah. But this, I don’t know, man. This is different.”

  “He’s got something to lose now that he didn’t before,” Cam murmured quietly.

  “Meghan,” Drae added, nodding. “Did he ever tell you what the deal was with her fiancé? Something must have gone down because one minute he was fighting the attraction and the next she moved into his room.”

  “Hmmm, good point. Somehow I think our wives may hold some clues on that score and if they don’t, maybe we should just ask the lady. Whatever caused his explosion of rage this morning has everything to do with her, I’m sure of it. And from what you said, she’s unglued and seems stunned by his behavior so I’m betting they didn’t have a fight or anything like that.”

  Drae headed for the door and waved at him to follow. “Alright, Cam. Let’s go shine an interrogation lamp on the women and see what we can flush out. Hanging around here waiting for him to show himself is getting us nowhere.”

  She might be sitting upright in a chair but internally, Meghan was in the fetal position, overcome with anxiety as the awful day unfolded. Tori and Lacey were being sweet and supportive, making jokes about men and how thick they could sometimes be—sharing their personal stories with her. Bawdy tales of the tempestuous road their relationships with their husbands took before each found their happily ever after.

  Meghan didn’t need a guidebook to know her happily ever after just got wiped the hell out. She wasn’t stupid. She knew that the years Alex spent in the Special Forces had not been wasted on knitting sweaters for the underprivileged. Bad guys died. So did his comrades. Civilians got tagged and bagged too, collateral damage.

  Stuff like that never really gets forgotten, and if she knew anything at all about her Major, it was that he carried enormous emotional and moral burdens about those times. She thought about the architect she’d dated briefly who seemed so uncomplicated and downright dull. He’d never had to make peace with double-tapping some enemy insurgent or calling a raid on a village where women and children were used as shields.

  With her brain working overtime Meghan was plagued with memories of David. She recalled him sharing horrific stories about desperate firefights and the mental anguish knowing the bullets he was firing would be taking lives. After a while though she noticed the anguish was replaced by acceptance and finally by an air of nonchalance. Death in a war zone was everyday.

  In Alex’s case it wasn’t just about his own actions. It was complicated by what he ordered others to do. And suffer through. And deal with. All sobering thoughts.

  And then there was what today represented. She’d totally forgotten. How could that be? What did that say about her? Her conscience was feeling itchy. Coming to Arizona had been about honoring David’s memory and finding closure for that chapter in her life. Over the last few weeks she’d been so wrapped up in the excitement and passion of her affair with Alex that memories of her former fiancé had faded to nothing.

  But Alex hadn’t forgotten. Or maybe he had and that was what thi
s morning’s rampage had been about. Had he been so caught up in their newfound connection that he failed to recognize the day’s significance? It pained her that the one thing proving to be Alex’s hard limit was something she was so much a part of. She didn’t know what to think. Didn’t know what to do.

  Around lunchtime Draegyn and Cameron arrived looking somber. Meghan’s heart sank. Drae approached her asking, “Meghan, can we talk?”

  She was numb and panicked at the same time but managed a weak nod. Everyone gathered around her, the husbands exchanging meaningful looks with their wives and no one looking comfortable.

  Clearing his throat, Draegyn spoke in a gentle tone, while Tori stood at his side with her hand upon his shoulder, “We don’t want to nose around your personal life Meghan but you should know that Alex told Cam and me a little bit about his feelings concerning your fiancé. We liked David. He was a great kid.”

  “Thanks,” she murmured. “He spoke of Team Justice quite a bit.” She couldn’t help but glance at Cameron when she said that. His movie star good looks were a reminder of David’s man crush and what that had meant to Meghan. She was sure Alex hadn’t divulged to either of his brothers what she’d admitted about her fiancé’s sexuality, and she wasn’t going to let them in on it now.

  “Well,” Drae said sounding uncomfortable as he questioned her, “the reason I’m bringing it up is because Alex was pretty fucking conflicted when you arrived. But somewhere along the way that changed. Can you tell us why?”

  Meghan considered the question and rolled a shoulder. “As I told Tori, whatever you may think, despite the engagement, David and I were never going to be married.”

  Looking at Cam again she blushed and dropped her eyes. She knew what they were really asking. It was a guy’s question, the one that dealt with honor and doing the right thing. She didn’t have much choice but to blurt out what they needed to know so they’d understand that she and Alex had gotten beyond his moral dilemma about sleeping with her based on who David had been to all of them.