Falling Ash

by Douglas, A. T.

  I’m struggling to breathe as Silas removes his fingers from me and sits up at the end of the bed. He smiles with satisfaction before turning around and standing up, giving me a peek of the hard-on bulging beneath his grey boxer briefs just before he bends down to grab his jeans.

  “Wait,” I call out breathlessly, needing to pull in some air before I can get another word out. When I finally have the physical ability to speak again, I find myself struggling to say the words that want to come out. “I want to see you.”

  My admission seems to come as a surprise to Silas as he stands there motionless with uncertainty written all over his face. He eventually drops the jeans back to the floor and grabs for the top of his boxer briefs instead, slowly pulling them down until his thick cock springs out from beneath the fabric.

  Just the sight of his erection is enough to reignite the heat within my core. All sensible thought and logic are instantly hijacked by my primal need for intimacy and connection, and I quickly find myself sitting up and moving my naked body closer to his, scooting to the end of the bed where my ankles are still attached by handcuffs to the bedframe.

  My legs are spread wide toward him in this position as I reach my hand up and say, “I want to feel you.”

  He doesn’t hesitate this time, instantly complying with my request and stepping forward until he’s within inches of my hand. The moment I enclose my fingers around his cock and squeeze it in my palm, I feel it pulse within my grasp. I look up at Silas to gauge his face as I move my hand down and then back up his shaft over and over again. He’s straining to hold back his reaction to my touch and struggling to maintain control.

  I gradually increase the speed with which I’m stroking him, causing him to harden even more which only increases the burning need within me.

  I maintain my grip of his cock and guide it closer to me as I lean my other arm back to brace myself against the bed. He moves the short distance closer between my spread-open legs until I’ve brought the tip of his cock to my opening. He lets out a shaky breath as I press the full tip of it into my wetness and rub it up to my clit and back down again, mimicking the way he was rubbing me earlier with his fingers and then with his tongue.

  Rubbing his cock like this against me and having it so close to my opening makes me desperate for penetration, and before I can let myself think on it for even a second, I bring his hardened tip to my opening one last time and let go.

  When I raise my head to meet Silas’ needy gaze with my own, he slides his cock perfectly into me until he’s fully inside, putting this one last piece of me back together. I close my eyes for a moment and breathe out with the unrivaled pleasure that comes with giving in to desire and fulfilling this need. When I lean back on both my arms against the bed, Silas grabs me by the hips and slowly pulls himself out only to plunge back in again, eliciting a sharp gasp from me this time as he somehow finds a way to penetrate deeper.

  With each deliberate thrust, the sculpted muscles of his arms and stomach move and contract. My eyes dip lower and I watch breathlessly as his cock slides in and out of me, covered with my wetness. When he notices me watching this, he tightens his grip at my waist and begins to move faster while still finding the deepest points of pleasure within me.

  The heat and excitement pulsing within me at watching this and feeling this and living this become too much, and I have to lie back against the bed for support because I’m shaking now and can barely breathe. Silas moves so fast within me that I feel like we’re combined as one person instead of two, transcending this bed and this room and this world to a place void of the past or future where only ‘now’ exists and nothing can touch us or the pleasure we’re sharing.

  I grip Silas’ forearms and arch my back and scream out as I explode from within while he continues to bury himself inside me over and over again, sustaining the intensity of my orgasm for the longest I’ve ever felt. I still feel the residual waves of it pulsing through me as Silas’ erratic breathing transitions into desperate groans and he pulls out, grabbing his wet cock and pumping it rapidly in his hand as he empties himself all over my stomach and up to my breasts.

  His movements gradually slow down, and when he’s finally done, we’re both completely still other than the rapid rise and fall of our chests. The sound of our shared heavy breathing fills the room as we both struggle to recover from the intensity of what has just happened between us.

  Silas kneels on the bed between my legs and leans down to kiss me softly on the cheek. He trails the kisses inward until he’s placing them directly on my lips. The familiar comforting warmth that he provides blankets me again, and I embrace those feelings completely, reciprocating his kisses with equal passion and pressure.

  With one final movement of our lips together, Silas pulls away from me, flashing a subtle smile before he gets off the bed. He grabs a towel from the bathroom and sits down on the bed beside me as he cleans my stomach and breasts.

  “Are you okay?” he asks hesitantly.

  I nod, but I immediately know it’s not a convincing gesture.

  He glances at me skeptically before refocusing on wiping me down. “Are you sure?”

  “No.” My response is more confident this time, more reflective of the truth.

  Silas wraps up the towel and tosses it into the bathroom on the floor before turning back to focus his full attention on only me. “Tell me what I can do.” The moment the words leave his mouth, he moves into action, grabbing the small key from the nightstand and swinging around toward the bottom corner of the bed. When he unlocks the handcuff from my ankle, his hand sweeps gently across the skin, rubbing it slightly before he moves to unlock the other handcuff. He repeats the process with the same tender care, then looks at me, awaiting my instructions for what I need next.

  “I think I just need you right now,” I whisper, opting to cling to that which gives me the most comfort.

  Silas helps transition me under the bedsheets before turning off the light on the nightstand and crawling into bed behind me, our naked bodies pressed together in a different kind of connection this time. He wraps his arm around me, holding me tightly to him as he occasionally presses his lips to my neck and back.

  I release a deep exhale and soak in this feeling, trying to face reality and recognize the truth of my feelings which have been made abundantly clear by what I’ve just done with Silas.

  There’s no going back from this. I’ve made my choice. Now I have to live with it.

  23

  The golden glow of sunshine seeps through the curtains over the window to fill the entire bedroom. This morning is different from the others I’ve had waking up in this bed. I feel well-rested, apparently having been spared the nightmares that often force me back to the conscious world during the night. I feel strangely relaxed and content, my mind not immediately racing to worried and anxious thoughts like it usually does when I’m brought back from the blissful state of sleep to face the harsh reality that is my current life.

  I also feel someone next to me instead of an empty space on the bed.

  When I turn my head to see Silas lying on his side watching me, a small grin forms on my lips. “You’re here,” I observe with surprise as I readjust to my side to face him.

  He smiles back. “I wanted to be here when you woke up.” He moves his free arm under the sheets until his hand connects with mine. “I need to make sure you’re okay.”

  “I’m okay,” I respond automatically, and when I really think about my answer, I’m mostly confident that it’s the truth.

  Silas pulls our connected hands up between us then kisses the back of my hand. When he pulls away, his eyes meet mine and show me his relief just before his expression shifts into uncertainty and he looks away.

  “About the ruse last night…” he begins to say. “It was an unfortunate, but necessary deception. It was the only way to—”

  “It’s fine,” I quickly reply to move away from thoughts of believing a stranger was touching me and about to rape
me. Despite my efforts, the thought of Joseph inevitably enters my mind, and I come to a horrifying realization that hasn’t occurred to me until now. “Joseph wasn’t here last night when we…”

  Silas grins at my embarrassment. “No. He left well before that.”

  I breathe out a sigh of relief, grateful that I didn’t have an audience to hear my pleasured screams.

  Silas’ playful expression quickly turns serious as he pulls our connected hands to his chest. He meets my gaze and holds it for a long moment before he finally says, “You showed me an incredible amount of loyalty last night. You trusted me with your body completely.”

  My cheeks instantly heat at Silas’ words as I remember the feeling of him moving inside me, but then panic rises within me as I realize what he sees as loyalty on my part was really more stupidity and carelessness. I offered myself to him so fully that he could have planted his seed inside me if he wanted. He could have impregnated me with his child.

  “Ash,” he says quietly, ripping me from my troubling thoughts. He lets go of my hand to place his palm on my cheek, rubbing my skin gently with his thumb. “Are you sure you’re okay with what we did?”

  I close my eyes and absorb all of the warmth and comfort Silas’ touch provides, my resulting contentment serving as undeniable proof that these feelings inside me are real, and all I want to do is embrace them more. My eyes open to Silas’ expectant gaze looking back at me as he continues his soft touch against my cheek.

  “Yes,” I reply confidently, solidifying my position as Silas’ partner in this new life. “I’m okay with it.” Biting my lip, it occurs to me that we’re both still naked together in this bed. My thoughts quickly turn to what that could lead to, and while my initial reaction is to resist that desire, I feel great relief in knowing that I can embrace it now instead. Of all the battles I’ve faced lately, this is one I don’t have to fight anymore.

  “Your cheeks are turning red,” Silas teases as his hand leaves the side of my face to venture under the sheets. His fingers drift down my stomach and threaten to dip lower but they suddenly stop. He pulls the sheet back to reveal my bare body underneath before dragging his palm gently over my ribs and stomach.

  “You’ve lost even more weight,” he comments with concern.

  When I look down my body, I see that my stomach dips inward more than it should, though I’m sure the horizontal position makes it look worse than it really is.

  After replacing the sheet over me, Silas leans in to kiss me softly on the forehead. “I’m going to make breakfast. I need to make sure you’re eating enough.”

  When Silas turns and lets the sheet fall as he stands up from the bed, I’m given a perfect view of his naked backside. My eyes follow the solid lines of muscle from his shoulders all the way down to his firm ass. I watch breathlessly as he moves to the dresser, his hard-on demanding my attention the whole time as he opens a lower drawer and puts on some black boxer briefs.

  “I have other ways I’d like to reward you for your loyalty later tonight,” he hints playfully, “but for now I’d like to start with doing whatever it is you want to do today.”

  Silas’ offer is unexpected. I’ve never had this level of control in what we do. I’m almost always at Silas’ whim, following the path he’s laid out for me or getting dragged into his spontaneous schemes. Today I finally get to choose the direction our day will follow, but I have no idea what to say.

  As Silas is pulling on his jeans and a black t-shirt, he smiles at my apparent indecision. “You don’t have to decide now. Think about it and let me know.” Now fully dressed, he steps into the bathroom and turns on the light. I hear the water in the shower turn on before he emerges again and says, “I figure you’ll want to wash up after last night.”

  The familiar heat enters my cheeks again. “I’ll shower and be out in a bit.”

  With a quick nod, Silas opens the bedroom door and disappears through it. When he’s far enough down the hall that I don’t hear his footsteps against the wood floors anymore, I bury my face into the pillow for a few moments to try to deal with these unexpected and undeniable feelings I have inside.

  I’ve willingly given myself to the man who took me. He no longer owns me by force; he has me by my own free will.

  I abandon my refuge in the pillow and roll to my back, taking a deep breath before swinging my legs off the side of the bed and sitting up. My body feels different after last night, even though nothing has physically changed in me. Maybe it’s because my body isn’t my own anymore. I’ve offered it to Silas, and he’s eagerly accepted it.

  Maybe he’ll look at me differently now, like a woman to be desired instead of a wild beast to be tamed.

  I feel surprisingly good when I stand. Despite how deep Silas managed to penetrate inside me last night, I don’t feel any discomfort, only minor soreness. My wrists and ankles are still reddened and tender from my initial resistance to being bound by the handcuffs to the bed, scabs having formed over the few places where the previous scrapes on my wrists opened up again, but otherwise I don’t feel any pain.

  Walking around the bed and into the bathroom, I’m greeted by my own disheveled appearance reflecting back at me in the mirror above the vanity. My dark hair is a tangled mess just above my shoulders. My skin is slightly pale, and in viewing myself naked from the waist up, I can really see now how I’ve gone below a healthy weight.

  I have some work to do on myself.

  I cup my hand to drink some water from the faucet in the sink before moving to the shower. The warm water is already steaming up the room by the time I step into the soft stream of falling liquid. I take extra care to wash my hair thoroughly with shampoo and conditioner and clean all parts of my face and body with the bar of soap. By the time I’m dried off, my hair brushed and standing naked in front of the mirror again, I look ten times better than before.

  I turn off the light and move to the dresser to pick out some clothes. I’ve been so focused on washing up and making myself presentable that I haven’t even thought about what I want to do today, so I opt to wear some jean shorts with a light blue racerback tank top for now.

  I’m about to start figuring out what to do with my free day as I exit the bedroom, but something in the hallway catches my eye. Natural light dances across the wooden floorboards from the open bathroom door in the hallway, a door that’s usually closed like most of the other doors in this house.

  When I turn the corner at the bathroom, I expect to find Silas inside, but he’s not there. All I see is the open window. Then the window fades away, and all I see is the settled mound of dirt on the edge of the property. Then it’s gone; the wooden cross that marks Jake’s grave is all I see, and suddenly I don’t want to see anything anymore.

  “Oh my God,” I barely manage to whisper before my throat tightens painfully at the realization of how selfish and stupid and foolish I’ve been by giving in to my desires and my feelings for Silas. I was fine to look past the things he did to me, but I was so caught up in how he was making me feel that I didn’t even contemplate what he did to Jake.

  I willingly gave my body to the man who put my brother in the ground. I let him bury his cock deep inside me. I was happy for it, content even, ready and willing to do it again.

  And I still am.

  My cheeks are soaked with silent tears as I turn back down the hallway to the bedroom and quietly close the door behind me. I don’t bother to turn on the light when I reenter the bathroom and stare at myself in the mirror where I stood so confidently just minutes before. The backlit glow of daylight from the room cloaks my face in darkness, an accurate and appropriate reflection in the mirror of who I really am inside.

  I don’t deserve to be the one who is still here, breathing and living and falling for a monster. It’s impossible to forgive myself for betraying my brother’s memory by letting Silas fuck me and wanting him to fuck me more, especially after I already failed to protect Jake from Silas in the first place.

  I can�
�t help the way I feel about Silas, though. Nothing will change it. As long as I’m here with him, I’ll be drawn to him like this, pulled to act on my feelings and torn apart again by the familial betrayal inherent in them.

  I could try to escape this place or kill Silas, but either option is unlikely to succeed and would only leave me alone and unprepared in a fucked-up world without the only person who gives me comfort and makes me feel safe.

  A sobering realization hits me. There’s only one solution to this problem, a single path forward, one I’ve walked before, but one which I never completely finished.

  If I can’t change my feelings or escape Silas’ hold over me, I have to remove myself from the equation another way. I need to end this—to end my life—without any interference this time.

  My chest clenches as I brace myself against the counter of the vanity with both hands to keep me steady while I let the twisted, suicidal thoughts consume my mind again. The tools available to me are practically endless this time compared to the limited options I had in the dark room when I went down this horrifying path before.

  It needs to be quick and definitive. I can’t leave the option for Silas to use his medical knowledge and resources to fix me and keep me alive.

  It has to be a gun, and the bullet has to go through my brain.

  There’s no coming back from that.

  I can’t think about what I’m planning to do for too long because it’s terrifying and because I’m already sufficiently afraid that I won’t be able to go through with it. I try to focus now instead on calming myself enough to pull off behaving normally until I can get my hands on a gun to enact my plan.

  After turning on the faucet in the sink, I cup my hands together and splash the cold liquid against my face over and over again until my breathing has evened and I’m confident the tears have stopped. Reluctantly, I turn on the light to gauge how obvious it is that I’ve been crying. Reddened eyes stare back at me painfully when I look in the mirror, so I dig in one of the vanity drawers until I find the eye-drops I’ve seen tucked away in there before.