Falling Ash

by Douglas, A. T.

  The lack of change in Silas’ expression when I ask this question is all the confirmation I need, but he answers me anyway. “Your parents are gone. Jake found someone there who knew your family and saw your parents’ names on a list of the dead back in the beginning when they were still keeping track. There was nothing left of your family’s home. It was completely burned to the ground.”

  I nod my understanding, even though this isn’t really news to me. It was clear my parents had to be gone when they never met up with us at the family summer home as they promised they would.

  I study the picture in my hand carefully. My heart aches when I look at the parents I’ve lost forever, but hope swells within me when I focus on the brother who might still be out there. This is my second chance to be there for him and protect him and make up for letting him down the first time.

  “I have to see Jake,” I insist as I look up to meet Silas’ gaze. “You were right. He’ll never stop being a distraction for me until I’m back with him and know he’s safe. I’ll never give up trying to find him. I’ll do whatever it takes to get him back.”

  Silas shakes his head, and when I’m about to speak up to protest his negative response, he grabs my free hand and explains, “I won’t let you go. It’s too dangerous for you out there, even if I’m by your side. You’re nowhere near ready yet.” He runs his other hand through his dark hair as he seems to weigh his options. “I’ll ask Joseph to go back for Jake, but it’ll be his choice. I won’t demand that he do this for us.”

  As much as I’d rather be the one to get Jake, this compromise is honestly more than I thought I’d get out of Silas. It doesn’t matter who brings Jake back as long as he gets here in the end.

  “Fair enough,” I concede, though I’m secretly praying Joseph will agree to make this trip again because I don’t know what I’ll do if he declines.

  Silas maintains his hold of my hand, sweeping his thumb across the top of it before he hesitates and looks at me. “Do you still want this?” he asks, motioning to our connected hands.

  I nod my reply. “I never stopped wanting it.”

  The hint of a smile forms on his lips before quickly fading away. “Your brother’s going to make this more complicated.”

  “He won’t change how I feel,” I argue, “but he won’t understand this. It may take some time, but I’ll make him understand.”

  My heart soars at the thought that I can have my brother back and be with Silas at the same time. If I can get Jake to forgive Silas for what he’s done to him and to me, if I can get him to see what Silas has to offer in his skills and resources to help us survive in this dangerous world, we might actually survive this chaotic collapse of society and have a future to embrace.

  I smile as I squeeze Silas’ hand, trying to ease some of his worry, but somehow that small movement causes a sharp stinging pain in my palm. When I let go and spread my left hand open, I find that the skin is an angry red with calluses forming across the scar on my palm. Inspection of my right hand while still keeping a hold of the picture of my family reveals a similar presentation, though the calluses are mixed with blisters across both my palm and fingers as my good hand could actually fully grip the shovel the whole time I was digging.

  I quickly become aware of just how filthy I am, covered in dirt and sweat from the ordeal I was just put through. The adrenaline that has resulted from earlier events and the euphoric feeling from learning that Jake is alive have both worn off now, leaving me feeling sore, weak, and exhausted.

  “Now can I take you inside?” Silas asks, though he doesn’t wait for my reply as he’s already positioning himself to pick me up.

  I nod anyway and clutch my family picture to my chest as Silas slips his arms behind my back and under my legs to lift me and hold me against him. When I catch a final glimpse of the wooden cross that marks the fake grave, an important question occurs to me, something I should have thought to ask already. “Does Jake know what happened to me?”

  Silas doesn’t answer at first as he carries me steadily across the grass toward the stone path that circles the house, but eventually he says, “He knows you’re with me. I told him I would provide for you and keep you safe.”

  My eyes burn with the sting of tears at hearing this, knowing that Jake’s been going through a different kind of devastation in the time we’ve been separated. Once again, he’s in a position of being isolated from family and uncertain of his family’s fate, except that this time I’m not there for him and the family in question is the only family member he has left in this world.

  “Silas,” I say quietly, my voice already to the point of begging, the plea clear in that one word, “I don’t care what you do to me, but you can’t hurt my brother.” My throat tightens, and my tears fall freely now at the thought of Silas playing his mind games with Jake and causing him any more physical and emotional pain than he’s already endured. “You can’t use him against me, and you shouldn’t have to anyway. I’m already yours. I’m with you willingly. Having Jake back isn’t going to change that.”

  Silas’ eyes connect with mine as we reach the door into the kitchen at the back side of the house. “If he cooperates, we shouldn’t have a problem, but he fought like hell for you before. I can only imagine how protective he’ll be of you now.” He glances over his shoulder toward the stone patio then quickly looks back to me. “I don’t think he’d like the idea of his sister ending her own life. Can I assume for both his sake and mine that you won’t be attempting that again?”

  I barely manage a nod, and I shiver involuntarily at the thought of what I did earlier today. I still feel some level of guilt and unease about my feelings for Silas given all he’s done to me and my brother, but it feels more manageable now that I know the truth. Silas can be unpredictable, and his methods can be twisted; but he has provided for me and protected me. He spared my brother’s life and gave him the opportunity for safety and a future, and he’s willing to let him be in my life again.

  Seemingly satisfied with my answer, Silas carries me into the kitchen and through the dining room. I figure he’s taking me to the bedroom, but he stops outside the bathroom in the hallway instead.

  “Are you okay to go in here?” he checks before making any attempt to enter the room.

  “It’s fine,” I reply, and with my confirmation, he walks us through the open door, then sets me down carefully in the chair in the corner. He turns on the water in the white freestanding bathtub, giving it some time to warm up before he tests the water temperature and adjusts the handles. When he has it just right, he stands up and leaves the tub to fill.

  He disappears through the door toward the dining room, returning moments later with a bottle of Gatorade in his hand.

  “You should drink this,” he suggests as he removes the cap and offers the drink to me, and I happily accept it. “Are you up for eating something?”

  I shake my head, absolutely certain my body isn’t up for ingesting anything solid right now. Pressing my lips to the rim of the bottle, I begin to down the delicious and refreshing liquid, drinking half of it before taking a break to get some air and then quickly finishing off the rest.

  I set the empty bottle on the floor as I watch Silas continue checking the temperature of the water and readjusting the handles until he’s satisfied. He grabs a bottle of body wash from the nearby table and puts some directly in the flow from the faucet, bubbles instantly flowing out across the water.

  “It’s ready,” he says as he walks back to me, offering a hand to help me stand up.

  Leaving my family picture safely on the chair, I connect hands with Silas and rise to my feet. I’m grateful for his support as I undo the button and zipper of my jean shorts and unsteadily slip out of them and my underwear. Silas helps lift the dirtied blue racerback tank top over my head and unhooks my bra in the back, letting these last pieces of clothing fall to the floor.

  I stand filthy and naked before him as he walks me to the tub and holds on to me as I step
into the warm and inviting water. A relieved sigh escapes my lips when I lower myself into it and lie back with my legs extended over the length of the tub. When I’m submerged up to my neck, he turns the handles to stop the flow of water.

  As I lean my head back to get comfortably settled against the ceramic edge of the tub, Silas wets a washcloth with the sudsy water and rubs it gently and carefully over each part of my face, wiping all the dirt and grime away. It soothes and calms me as he cleans my skin, but the silence that accompanies what he’s doing only makes the wheels in my head turn faster as I try to process the events of today.

  “What if I had used the smaller gun?” I ask with concern, not really sure if I want to know the answer. “It was definitely loaded.”

  Silas looks away uneasily before meeting my gaze again as he begins to clean my neck and shoulders. “I took a chance that you’d go for the larger gun if you were going to try anything.”

  It’s terrifying to think I could have used the loaded gun in my attempt. I could have died without knowing Jake was still alive, and then he’d have no family left, no one to watch out for him and fight for him and love him. My death would have been a complete waste.

  “How did you know what I was going to do?”

  “I didn’t know,” Silas replies as he works the washcloth down my arm, “but I worried you might do something drastic after what we did last night. I worried you changed your mind about me.”

  I shake my head. “I couldn’t change my feelings for you. That’s why I tried to end my life.”

  Saying those words out loud—my verbal admission of what I did—quickly becomes too much for me to handle. In just a few short seconds, my chest and throat tighten painfully, and my expression crumbles into tears and I have to bring my mangled hand up to cover my mouth to keep the heavy sobs racking my chest from tearing me apart completely.

  Silas abandons the washcloth and takes my other hand in his instead, holding it tightly under the water as he provides every bit of the comfort and support he knows I need right now. He doesn’t say anything as he lets me cry, allowing me to expel all of my pain and anguish to make room for the hope just waiting to pour in.

  25

  With soft clothes against my clean skin and food in my belly and a new outlook for the future, I feel like an entirely different person than the hopeless girl who put a gun to her head and pulled the trigger earlier today. Perhaps the exercise of digging up the gravesite was useful after all. I’ve left the old version of myself behind in that hole to be buried beneath the ground, never to be seen again.

  I’m fiddling anxiously with the fresh gauze wrapped lightly around my hands and wrists as I listen to Silas finish up his conversation with Joseph over the two-way radio. In the last ten minutes that we’ve been sitting at the dining room table talking to him, my face has gone through such a range of happy and ecstatic expressions that my cheeks physically hurt from all the smiling.

  As Silas and Joseph are about to say goodbye, I’m very close to barging in on their farewells to thank Joseph myself for agreeing to make the trip back to Ohio to get Jake, but Silas asked me not to say anything during the conversation with Joseph. Given all he’s doing to bring Jake back to me despite his reservations about having him in my life here, I owe it to him to comply with his request, so I only listen as Silas wishes his friend safe travels and Joseph signs off from the radio.

  When the conversation is over and the room turns silent, Silas sets the radio aside and turns to me, leaning in to press his lips softly to my forehead. The small gesture causes a rush of contentment to wash over me as I can finally embrace my feelings for Silas and openly reciprocate his affection without all of the guilt and worry.

  As his lips leave my skin, I tip my head back and look up at him, our eyes locking briefly before I close the remaining distance between us and kiss him softly on the lips in return. I’m tempted to keep going, to press my lips harder and faster against him until we’re ripping each other’s clothes off and he’s carrying me to the bedroom, but I don’t have the physical or emotional energy for that right now.

  When I pull back from Silas, the pleased look of surprise left on his face makes my choice of restraint worth it. I like seeing these reactions from him, reactions that I know are genuine. I wonder if I’ll see more of them now that he’s no longer under the burden of deception, no longer lying about what he did to my brother.

  Perhaps Silas left the old version of himself behind in that hole in the ground, too.

  “Thanks for working that out with Joseph,” I say quietly, though it doesn’t feel like enough, considering how grateful I am that Silas agreed to this plan and that Joseph was more than willing to help.

  “I want you to be happy here,” he replies before becoming distracted by looking down the hall toward the living room. “I want to show you something.”

  The familiar feelings of both excitement and dread rise within me at Silas’ impromptu suggestion, but I decide to play along anyway. “Okay.”

  He stands up and offers a hand to help me, but I shake my head. He’s done enough to support me today. I can’t become completely reliant on him.

  Before I even manage to stand up, though, he has an arm behind my back and under my legs and he lifts me up against his chest. I laugh under my breath at his persistence as he carries me down the hall toward the living room, but we never make it that far. He stops at the first door on the right, one that’s always remained closed and that I’ve never dared to look behind.

  “What is this?” I ask as he readjusts his hold of me to turn the knob.

  He only smiles at me in response. The lack of insight he’s giving me into what we’re walking into would be disconcerting if not for the sincerity of excitement I see in his expression.

  The door opens to complete darkness, but the moment Silas steps us inside, a bright LED light turns on above, revealing a wooden staircase to another door at the top. The anticipation of finally seeing what’s on the second floor of this house increases with each step Silas takes carrying me up the staircase, bringing me to the height of suspense as we reach the top and Silas opens the door.

  The fiery glow of sunset through the windows highlights the open space that makes up the second floor: a large loft space with steel-grey angled walls and ceilings and wood floors throughout. A king-sized bed with a black upholstered headboard and white bedding is centered on the far wall, complemented by sleek midnight black nightstands on each side and a matching dresser in the far right corner. There’s a mirrored set of windows on the right wall where a black leather accent chair sits, completing the furniture in the space.

  When Silas brings me inside and turns on the light, my eyes are immediately drawn to the unusual art on the wall above the bed in which twisted and broken pieces of thin metal intertwine chaotically to create something extraordinary. The closer I get to it as Silas carries me toward the bed, the more I’m drawn in by its intricacies and the imperfections that make it beautiful.

  “Did you make that?” I ask in awe as Silas sets me on the soft bed. He doesn’t answer, but his lack of response is telling enough.

  From this position I get a better view of the side of the room where we entered. I can see the source of Silas’ muscles in the compact home gym equipment and free weights sitting on a blue mat in the corner to the right of the door. There’s an opaque sliding glass door with black trim on the other side, open just enough to reveal it’s a closet with more than just clothes inside. There’s a tall black safe tucked away in there as well, surely a secondary arsenal in the event of attack.

  “I don’t let anyone up here,” Silas informs me as he takes a few steps across the floor. “Joseph hasn’t even seen this room.”

  I like that Silas has chosen to open up to me this way, showing me this hidden part of him. I’m glad he’s finally letting me in, even if just a little bit.

  “Why now?” I ask as I look around to admire the room that’s significantly better than the bedro
om downstairs. “You’ve been holding out on me.”

  The comment was meant to be a tease, but when I look back at Silas, the smile I’m expecting to be on his face isn’t there. There’s a distant look in his eyes and his expression is serious.

  “Silas?”

  It takes a moment, but he finally snaps out of it, rubbing his hand over his face before he walks back to the bed and sits beside me. He takes my bandaged right hand carefully within his grasp and looks at me, the smile I’ve been waiting for finally forming on his lips even though it’s subdued.

  “I had to be sure you were willing to accept me as I am,” he explains in answer to my earlier question. “I’ve done my worst to you, and you’ve still chosen to be with me.”

  I shift uneasily where I’m sitting on the bed, trying really hard not to think back on today’s events or the other horrible things Silas has done to me. “I’ve seen a lot of your dark side,” I say hesitantly, “but I’ve also seen the good in you in the way you’ve cared for me and comforted me. You spared my brother. You’re letting him come back into my life.”

  Silas shakes his head. “This is who I am, though. The bad will always be there with the good. It will never be replaced by it. I can’t pretend the darkness isn’t there.”

  “We all have darkness inside us,” I respond emphatically. “That doesn’t mean we can’t try to embrace the light.”

  Silas is silent for a long moment before he finally responds, “I don’t know if I can, but I’m willing to try with you.”

  I nod and smile at him, then lean my head against his shoulder as we remain quiet for a while. It feels too good to be with him like this, allowing myself to embrace this connection fully, knowing that tomorrow and each day after will only get better. The worst is behind me. I had finally hit bottom in my endless fall, and Silas was there to catch me. He brought me back to the surface. It feels like he’s propelling me into the clouds.

  “I wondered why you never asked my last name,” I say quietly. “This whole time you already knew it.”