Silas leans down from behind me and gently kisses the side of my cheek, intending clearly both to give me comfort and also to gauge Jake’s reaction at this more intimate connection between us. Brushing away my tears, I turn my head and smile slightly at Silas, at which point he takes full advantage and kisses me on the lips this time. He presses harder against me, forcing my lips open until his tongue pushes inside my mouth, and while I’d normally welcome such behavior from him, it’s totally inappropriate with tensions this high and an audience in the room.
I eventually manage to push myself away and break his kiss. “Silas, stop,” I plead with him.
For a moment he continues his advances, but then he does finally stop and only stares at me with a pleased, but knowing grin on his face. “Sorry, I got a little carried away.” He kisses my cheek briefly again, then returns to standing and walks around the bed to the dresser. “I’m going to replace your bandage,” he informs Jake, “then you should get some more rest.”
After grabbing the first-aid kit from the dresser, Silas takes a seat next to Jake on the other side of the bed. Jake keeps his eyes trained on me, refusing to look at Silas or what he’s doing. He winces as Silas encourages him to lean forward and turns him slightly to get better access to the back of his shoulder.
I take Jake’s free hand in mine and hold on to it as Silas removes his arm from the sling and takes off the old gauze bandages. The entire time he’s cleaning and redressing the wounds, I keep my silent conversation going with Jake, both absorbing the warmth of his touch and transferring to him any comfort I can until Silas is done and Jake’s arm is back in the sling. I stand up and help ease Jake back against the pillows, adjusting them so that he’s supported without anything touching his bandages.
“You should take this,” Silas encourages as he opens an orange prescription bottle and shakes out a large pill.
Jake looks at him warily. “I don’t want any pain pills.”
“It’s an antibiotic,” Silas replies with a tinge of annoyance. “We can’t risk you getting an infection.”
It takes a moment, but Jake does finally accept the pill from Silas. I grab for the tall glass of water on the nightstand and offer it to Jake as he throws the pill into his mouth. He washes it down and continues drinking until every last drop of water is gone.
When Silas has finished packing up the first-aid kit and stands up from the bed, I know even before he says or does anything that my time alone with Jake in here is at an end. He sets the first-aid kit back on top of the dresser and turns around to face Jake.
“I don’t want to do this,” he says regrettably as he reaches behind him, “but I’m afraid it’ll have to be this way for a while.”
I hear the subtle clinking sound of the handcuffs even before I see them emerge from his back pocket. Jake’s eyes narrow toward Silas as his expression hardens.
“I don’t mind,” he says with mock excitement. “Now I’ll match my sister’s injured wrists.”
The level of tension in the room should be skyrocketing with Jake’s remark, but Silas remains surprisingly calm as he walks around the bed, forcing me to step aside as he secures one end of the handcuffs around Jake’s free wrist. I worry that he’s enjoying this a little too much as he attaches the other end to the bedframe and returns to a standing position with a broad smile on his face.
“There, you’re set up just like your sister was those first nights I crawled in bed behind her.”
“Silas,” I warn, stepping closer to him and grabbing his arm, suddenly desperate to pull him away from this conversation and this room.
He’s completely unaffected, leaning down closer to Jake this time as he says, “If you weren’t injured, I’d connect each of your limbs to this fucking bed, just like your sister was the night she practically begged me to stick my cock inside her.”
I try with all my strength to pull Silas back, begging him over and over again to stop. Joseph even tries to step in and push Silas away from the bed; however, nothing is effective, and Silas only moves back when Jake finally bursts into a fit of rage and lunges with his upper body toward him. Jake groans in fury and pain as his arm comes free from the sling, causing him to move his shoulder more than he should and forcing him to collapse back against the pillows to recover. He doesn’t move, but his eyes are still wide with hostility.
“You both need to stop,” Joseph suddenly interjects, forcibly pushing his way through to insert himself between Silas and Jake. He sticks his finger directly into Silas’ chest. “You need to leave. Go work your shit out somewhere else.”
I’m taken aback by Joseph’s show of force and authority over Silas. It’s a strange role reversal that I’ve never seen between them before, and to my further surprise, Silas takes his friend’s advice and steps back before turning around and exiting through the bedroom door.
I look from Joseph’s hardened expression to my brother’s fuming face and immediately run over to Jake, throwing my arm around his good shoulder to embrace him as carefully as I can while I whisper, “Don’t listen to him. He’s only trying to provoke you.”
“I hate him, Ashleigh.” He’s practically shaking beneath my hold. “I hate him so much for what he’s done to you.”
Painful tears fall from my eyes onto my brother’s skin. “You have to find a way to move past this like I have. What’s done is done. It doesn’t matter now because you’re here with me, and Silas will help protect us and train us. And we have everything we need here to survive for years to come.” I pull away enough to gauge Jake’s face, saddened by the look of anger and despair I still see written all over his features. “We can have a life here. We have a chance at a good future.”
Jake shakes his head sluggishly, each movement feeling like a knife being lodged and twisted inside my heart. “I don’t think I can do it. I don’t want a life of watching him use you like this.”
“He’s not using me,” I argue. “I have feelings for him. I can’t—”
“Your feelings are wrong.”
Jake’s definitive assessment of my thoughts and emotions about Silas becomes too much for me. The tears continue to fall from my eyes, but I don’t otherwise let it show just how much his declarative statement affects me.
“Why don’t you go check on Silas?” Joseph cautiously suggests to me.
Wiping away my tears, I rise to my feet to face Joseph directly and whisper, “I don’t want Jake to be alone.”
He smiles reassuringly. “It’s okay. I’ll stay with him.”
Releasing an unsteady exhale, I nod and turn back to Jake, taking his hand in mine one last time and barely managing to get the words out past the thick lump in my throat as I say, “Get some rest.”
I let go and walk away from my brother, not looking back, not even breathing until I get all the way to kitchen and release all of my emotions at once amidst the empty, moonlit room. Each painful sob crushes me even more inside until I’m so overwhelmed that I have to grip on to the counter to keep me from crumbling to the floor.
When I glance over and see the drink cart against the wall by the tall cabinet, I immediately think to turn to alcohol to help ease this pain. With a few unsteady steps, I make it there and grab for the nearest bottle, not really caring what it is as I unscrew its lid and throw it back to send the burning liquid down my throat.
A few seconds of it is all I can take as I bring the bottle back down and squeeze my eyes shut to push through the residual burning in the back of my throat. When I finally open my eyes again, I’m already starting to feel the buzz and tempted to go for more, but I fear that if I continue down this path, I won’t be able to stop.
As I’m turning away from the drink cart to get a glass of water instead, I notice the back door that exits the kitchen isn’t closed all the way. Cold air rushes into the room as I pull the door open completely and look outside. I initially don’t see anything, so I step outside to get a better view.
Silas is standing in the middle of the rows
of young fruit trees staring up at the night sky. I glance up to the heavens and see exactly why he’s so enthralled. The black tapestry above is painted with stars, too many to count, too vast to even fully comprehend. It’s beautiful, calm, and serene.
I quietly run back inside and grab a blanket from the living room before joining Silas out among the trees, slipping my hand into his when I arrive.
He doesn’t react at first, still fully captivated by the sky, but when he reciprocates my touch with a gentle squeeze and looks down at me, the beautiful vista above seems like a distant memory to him. He looks at me like I’m all he ever wants to see.
“You still came to be with me,” he says with surprise, “even after what I said back there.”
I lean my head against his shoulder and begin to absorb all the comfort he provides. “I need you,” I admit in a whisper. “I need to be with you.”
He turns around to face me, grabbing the blanket from my hand when he sees it. He lets it unfold and flaps it out completely before laying it on the grass and motioning me to it. “Join me?”
We both settle down on the blanket together with no space left between us as Silas wraps his arm around my shoulders and pulls me close to him. My ear is in perfect position pressed directly over his heart, allowing me to hear its steady, calming thud over and over again while he wraps the blanket around us, encasing us in its warmth.
“Thanks for being my pillow again,” I tease, thinking back to my drunken antics the first night of our hunting trip when I ended up kissing Silas for the first time. “At least I brought a blanket with me this time.”
I can’t see his face, but I can feel him smile. “You’ve been drinking again.”
“Maybe a little,” I admit, enjoying this moment of lighthearted conversation when I know there are a lot of heavier matters to be discussed between us. “I needed something to take the edge off.”
“It didn’t go well, then,” Silas concludes, then sighs heavily. “I fucked it all up.”
“You didn’t help your case,” I acknowledge, “but even before that, I couldn’t convince Jake. I don’t know if he’ll ever accept our being together.”
Silas remains quiet as he runs his hand up and down my arm under the blanket. With his soothing touch and the peaceful sounds of nature around us and the endless night sky twinkling above, I find complete peace with my decision to be with Silas, no matter how deeply Jake disagrees.
“Why can’t you be like this around Jake?” I wonder out loud. “This is the man I want him to see. This is how I want him to see us together.”
Silas hesitates at first then finally answers, “I’m always going to be protective of you around Jake. Nothing’s going to change that.”
“I don’t understand. He’s my brother. What are you so afraid of?”
For a moment I think I’ve pushed too far and made Silas shut me out completely, but he eventually clears his throat and explains, “I want Jake to be part of your life, but I won’t lose you to him.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” I reply, nestling up against him even more.
He releases a deep sigh and tightens his grip around me. At first I think he’s trying to give me more comfort, but after a few moments, it becomes clear that he’s actually looking for support from me.
“What’s wrong?” I ask, tipping my head up to gauge his face in the moonlight.
He shakes his head, continuing to take deep breaths in and out. I don’t want to push him in any way, so I lay my head back on his chest, wrap my arm around his torso, and let his heartbeat speak to me instead. It continues its steady pace at first, then gradually picks up in speed until it’s frantic beneath my ear. I’m about to sit up to make sure he’s okay, but his heartbeat suddenly starts to normalize, and his breathing becomes more regular again.
“I was engaged,” Silas says quietly, shattering the fragile silence between us. “Her name was Rebecca, and she was perfect. Dark hair, bronze skin, exactly my height. Unstoppable tenacity and self-confidence.”
Now my own heart begins to race, though I remain completely still, listening carefully to Silas describe this woman who sounds nothing like me, our only commonality hair color.
“We met in a bar after I had just come back from a job overseas,” he continues. “I never gave my real name to any woman I met in a bar, so I gave her the first alias that came to mind, complete with the fake backstory behind it, thinking I’d never see her again.” He breathes out a shaky breath. “I got in too deep. She gave me hope that I could be a better person and live a normal life, but I couldn’t give up my mercenary work or my very nature that easily. I lived a perfect lie with her for almost a year before my day job came crashing through our front door in the form of an unstable client I turned down for a job.
“I had to come clean to Rebecca, but she couldn’t handle who I was or what I did. She looked at me like I was a dangerous stranger in our home, and the more I tried to convince her to stay with me and give me a chance, the more she fought back. Her parting gift to me was the scar across my cheek when she came after me with a kitchen knife.” Silas stops for a moment, his breath hitching at the last word. “I’ll never forget the mix of terror and fiery hatred in her eyes as she lunged at me, and the moment the blade cut through my skin, all the hope she gave me vanished completely. Only my rage remained.”
“Rejection,” I speak quietly into air between us as understanding washes over me. “That’s what you’re afraid of.”
“You have to understand,” he continues without acknowledging what I said, “her complete rejection of me was just the latest in a long series of rejections I’ve experienced my whole life, from my parents abandoning me after I got expelled from the Catholic school that was supposed to fix me, to my friends who were too caught up in their own perfect lives to see me drifting into darkness and solitude, to the Army that arbitrarily deemed at the last minute that I didn’t have the temperament to be a Ranger, and that was it. I was done trying to get the world to accept me for who I was, so I rejected the world instead. I took all the money I made from years of mercenary work and came out here and built this place to live in peaceful solitude. This became my refuge away from the society that failed me.”
I’m at a loss for what to say or do next. The dominant and threatening version of Silas is nowhere to be found right now as he lies vulnerable and emotionally exposed next to me.
I readjust my position and press up on my elbow to see Silas’ face lit up in the moonlight. It highlights his features enough to show me the unease in his expression and the discomfort he’s feeling at being this open with me. It’s hard for me to believe that this fragile version of him exists inside the powerful and domineering man I usually see.
“Jake won’t accept you,” I think out loud. “That’s why you hate him.”
Silas remains completely still and quiet.
“Joseph embraced you after you saved his life. He’s loyal to you. That’s why you’re so close to him.”
Silas keeps his eyes on mine, though I can tell he’s desperate to look away.
“You did horrible things to me. You gave me every opportunity to hate you, but I still accepted you exactly as you are.”
“And that’s why I love you,” he says with conviction. “That’s why I’d do anything to protect you.”
I draw in a breath just as Silas presses his lips to mine and steals it away. The words behind this kiss make it unlike any other physical connection we’ve shared. With each passing moment, the path forward becomes clearer and my feelings for Silas solidify even more.
No matter how wrong they appear to anyone else, they feel right to me. Everything about this feels right.
This is the man I love, shrouded in darkness from within, just like I am.
I eventually have to pull back and come up for air, my chest heaving in its attempts to bring in enough oxygen. Silas holds my gaze, watching me carefully like he always does, gauging my emotions after what he just said and the ki
ss we just shared.
“I never answered you yesterday,” I realize. “When we were in the pond and you asked if I was happy, I didn’t know what to say, so I attacked you with my lips instead.” He smiles at my comment, the most easygoing and effortless smile. “I’m at peace with myself and my decisions, and I have my brother back. I have you.” Relaxing my head back into the comfort and warmth of his shoulder, I conclude, “I never thought this is where I’d end up in this life, but I’m happy.”
Silas holds me close and doesn’t let go.
He breathes with me, breathes life into me, brings me to life.
He helps me put the darkness away, at least for a little while.
He’s exactly who I need by my side, my partner in this life, my protector, my lover.
We’re the same, and that’s okay.
No one understands, and that’s okay, too, as long as we’re together.
I am whole. I am strong.
Silas caught me, and he’ll never let go.
32
Soft sheets surround me, but the bed is empty by my side. I don’t remember coming up to our room last night, so I must have fallen asleep with Silas in the backyard.
Daylight pours into the room, lighting every corner and crevice. When I sit up in bed, I see nothing but perfectly blue skies out of the window, a beautiful backdrop to the radiant fall colors that are just starting to overtake the trees.
I immediately think of ways to get outside today, and more specifically, to get Jake outside. He needs to see everything Silas has to offer on this property. He needs to realize just how lucky we are to be here with these amenities for survival away from the chaos of what’s left of society.
Thinking of Jake makes me realize I never went back to see him last night. I should have been there for him after I calmed down and got my head back on straight. I should have been by his side all night, making sure he was okay.
Falling Ash Page 28
