Cursing under my breath, I swing my legs out from under the sheets and sit up in the bed, laughing to myself as I see that Silas took the liberty of undressing me completely last night. I quickly get out of bed and put on some clothes from the dresser, eager to get downstairs.
When I throw the door open at the bottom of the steps, I’m about to turn the corner toward the hallway to the guest bedroom, but I stop at the sound of voices coming from the living room to my right. I click the door shut without making a sound and move quietly along the wood floors in my bare feet toward the living room.
Joseph becomes visible first, sitting in one of the chairs across the coffee table from the couch. He’s laughing at something but immediately stops and stands up when he sees me approaching.
As I step more into the room, I see Jake sprawled out on the couch propped up with pillows behind his back just like yesterday. He’s still shirtless with the top of his gauze bandaging visible where it’s taped on the back of his shoulder.
“I’m sorry I didn’t come back last night,” I immediately say to him as I move up to the side of the couch and kneel by his side. “I shouldn’t have left you like that, but I fell asleep and didn’t—”
“It’s okay,” he interrupts casually as if it’s no big deal, but he has the most serious expression on his face.
My eyes go wide. “What’s wrong? Are you okay? Did something happen?”
“I’m going to let you two talk,” Joseph says uneasily before he quickly walks away down the hall.
Jake’s eyes follow him for a moment before he looks back at me, and only then does the water begin to build in his eyes.
I glance over the top of the couch down the hall briefly, then return my attention to Jake. “Did something happen last night?” I whisper. “Did he hurt you?”
He huffs a laugh, but it comes out as more of a sob. “No. I’m pretty sure Joseph’s harmless, at least to those who aren’t his enemies.” His features turn solemn again, and he holds my gaze despite the difficulty he seems to be having getting the right words to come out of his mouth. “Joseph offered for me to go live with him and the other guys at the farm. We talked about it a lot last night, and I’m going to do it. I’m leaving with him today.”
On the outside I’m completely still and expressionless, my body frozen in shock at what I’ve just heard, but on the inside I’m crumbling, the pillars of happiness and contentment and completeness coming crashing down within me.
It’s only when I feel wet spots forming on my t-shirt that I realize I’m crying. I’m not even sure how long I’ve been crying, but the wet spots keep growing.
Warmth encircles my hand as Jake holds on to me and says, “Please talk to me. Say something.”
I shake my head, refusing to believe Jake would abandon me like this. “Silas won’t agree to this. He knows how important you are to me. He won’t let you go.”
“He’s already agreed,” Jake responds. “The three of us talked about it this morning.”
“Where is he?” I demand as the tears come faster.
Fury overtakes Jake’s expression. “He won’t change his mind because this is exactly what he wants. He’ll have you all to himself, and you’ll have him, and I won’t get in the way.” His rage turns into a look of exasperation as he explains, “I can’t handle it, Ashleigh. I can’t stand to see the two of you together. I can’t watch you kiss each other and love each other after what he’s put you through.”
The weight on my chest feels enormous. My heart physically aches beneath my ribcage at hearing Jake’s words, his rejection not only of Silas, but of me, too.
My own brother has rejected me.
Jake still has my hand in his, squeezing it tightly, trying to support me, but I feel nothing from it. I had my brother back for the briefest time, but now I’m losing him all over again. He’s leaving me by choice.
“We’ll talk over the radio,” Jake says quietly, his fiery anger put out by the tears falling from his eyes now, “and we’ll see each other often, at least until winter gets here. Then it might be harder.”
I squeeze my eyes shut at the thought of enduring months of harsh winter without seeing Jake. The most difficult parts of our lives are only just beginning, and I want Jake by my side for them. I want to protect him like I should have before. All I wanted was a second chance with him, and I got one; but I’m failing him all over again.
I can’t change how I feel about Silas, though, and if Jake can’t accept that, then maybe we are better off not living under the same roof.
Opening my eyes, I inhale a shaky breath and whisper, “I’m going to miss you.”
After withdrawing my hand from Jake’s hold, I stand up and walk away from him again just like I did last night, but I don’t hold back my emotions this time. I’m openly sobbing before I even make it to the kitchen.
Leaning down over the sink, I turn on the flow of water and cup both hands beneath the stream to splash the water on my face. It’s freezing and makes my skin numb, but I don’t feel the tears pouring from my eyes anymore, so that’s all that matters.
I flinch at the touch of someone’s hand against my shoulder and look up from the sink to see Joseph standing next me. Part of me wants to punch him in the face for even suggesting that Jake leave here to live at the farm, but another part of me wants to thank him because it’s probably for the best.
“I’m sorry,” he apologizes as he hands me a towel from the nearby drawer.
I take it from him and press it against my skin until my face and hands are dry. When I’m done, I grab Joseph by the arm and demand his gaze as I say through the painful thickness still present in my throat, “You had better keep him safe.”
He nods with determination before his expression softens and he whispers, “He’ll be safer at the farm than here. You know that, right?”
A residual tear races down my cheek, and I wipe it away. “I know.” Taking a deep breath, I turn and look outside of the window above the sink, but I don’t see Silas in the backyard. “Where is he?”
“Beyond the fence line out back.”
I nod and manage a small smile of appreciation which quickly dissipates when I realize there’s something else I have to ask him. “When are you leaving today?”
He initially responds with a somber smile, then says, “You have some time.”
“I need to go to see Silas,” I explain, my chest tightening more with each word. “Will you stay with Jake until I get back?”
Joseph nods in agreement. “Take your time.”
I hurry out of the back door of the kitchen before my emotions have a chance to overcome me again. The morning air is crisp and refreshing outside, helping to bring me back to center as I slip on some sandals I left outside and walk to the hidden gate in the backyard fence.
It’s clear to me what Silas is doing even before I step outside the tall fence and see him among the trees in the distance. I can hear the violent splitting of wood every few seconds as he brings his axe down over log after log. He’s getting ready for the winter ahead, the first of many that will likely be the most challenging months of our lives.
He glances at me approaching, but continues splitting logs as if he didn’t see me at all. I can’t help but notice how effortless this exercise is for him as he easily swings the large axe behind him then over his head and down through each thick log like a hot knife through butter. I worry that he’s doing this to release some tension or anger, but I can’t tell from his expression if that’s why he’s out here.
It’s not until I’m within a few feet of him that he finally stops what he’s doing and sets the axe aside. After taking off his work gloves and tossing them to the ground, his hand immediately finds the side of my face. I lean my head into his touch as he cradles my cheek in his palm and gently brushes the skin under my eye with his thumb.
“You must have talked to Jake,” he observes, no doubt seeing the redness in my eyes and anguish in my expression.
I nod, then reluctantly ask, “Please tell me you didn’t have anything to do with this. You didn’t tell Joseph to convince Jake to go with him, did you?”
“No,” he replies as his hand leaves my face, and I immediately miss his touch, “but when he asked my permission for it, I said it was okay.”
“You must think it’s better this way, too,” I conclude. “You don’t want Jake here.”
He diverts his eyes from me, glancing down at the pile of cut logs he’s created. “I don’t trust myself around him,” he finally says before looking at me again. “Why do you think I’m out here instead of inside right now?”
“He needs you, though,” I argue. “What if something happens with his wounds? Shouldn’t he wait to leave until he’s had a few more days to heal?”
Silas smiles at me. “Your brother’s going to be perfectly fine. Joseph is just as capable at cleaning and dressing wounds as I am.”
I release a sigh as anxiety continues to flow through me. Deep down I know it’s the right decision to let Jake go, but that doesn’t make it any easier to accept it.
Silas’ arms encircle me as he pulls me against his chest and caresses my back. His touch soothes away some of my worry. His warmth makes me feel cared for and loved. His strength gives me comfort because I know that I’m protected. In this simple connection in these few short moments together, he’s showing me exactly why I chose him over everything else.
He’s my life now, and I’m okay with that.
“It’s just you and me against the world,” I whisper softly to him.
He kisses the top of my forehead. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
I manage a subdued smile as we remain perfectly connected like this for a few minutes. It’s not until I hear a faint, but familiar sound that I pull away from his chest.
“Why is the driveway gate opening?” I ask in confusion as Silas looks toward the house with similar concern. Then I hear the deep and rumbling sound of a motorcycle turning on and revving up, causing me to draw in a sharp breath.
Not bothering to wait for Silas to respond, I run through the wooded area up the fence line and follow it to the front of the property. Just as I turn the corner, the motorcycle revs again and shoots out of the driveway with Joseph in front and Jake on the seat right behind him. I watch helplessly as they zip down the winding road leaving nothing but a cloud of dust in their path.
Silas runs up behind me and comes to a stop just as the motorcycle disappears from view completely. He turns and looks at me with confusion, clearly just as shocked as I am.
“They weren’t supposed to leave yet,” I exclaim as we both move into the driveway looking around for any explanation for what just happened.
“We’ll radio them in a bit,” Silas suggests as he takes care of closing and locking the driveway gate, clearly not expecting Joseph or Jake to return. “I’ll find out what’s going on.”
I know I should just go sit down and relax and wait for Silas to contact them, but I can’t sit still. I need to understand why they suddenly decided to leave without a word.
Running up the path between the garage and the house, I enter through the back door in the kitchen and am about to bolt down the hall to the living room when I notice there’s something on the dining room table. It’s a sheet of white paper with my brother’s simple scrawl written across it in pen.
I saw the cement room. I saw the metal hooks on the floor and ceiling.
I can’t imagine what he did to you in there.
I can’t see you for a while because all I’ll see is you in that room.
How can you be with him?
I read the note again, deliberately blinking my eyes a few times to ensure I’m seeing each word correctly, but the message doesn’t change.
I read the note a third time, my hand shaking more with each word until I can’t read the words anymore because the paper moves too much from my violent shaking.
Arms encircle me and take the note away. The pain doesn’t go with it.
Warmth envelopes me. Soft words are spoken.
I’m not here anymore.
My body floats away, and the pain comes with me.
Ascending now, one step, two step. Too many steps up until I’m where I’m supposed to be.
He sets me down, caressing my face, kissing my skin.
We’re swimming in waves of soft sheets. He floats with me and holds me.
The pain subsides, just a bit.
I reach for him, cling to him. All my tears release on him.
He doesn’t let go, and the pain diminishes.
My hands wander his warm skin, tough but smooth. I find where he’s yearning for me.
I want that, too.
My jeans come off first. The rest quickly follows. I’m naked on top of him. I take him inside me.
The pain is almost gone now.
His hands find my hips. He helps me move. He helps me breathe.
He whispers something to me, a string of words, but I hear only one.
Together.
I’m now beneath him, lying on my back. He opens the nightstand drawer. He covers himself to protect me.
He’ll always look out for me.
We’re connected again, but he moves this time. I’m gasping, writhing beneath him.
I explode from within. His body shakes above me. We share this moment together.
There is no pain.
This is right.
33
I keep circling the glass of water between my hands on the dining room table, only occasionally stopping to take a sip. I’ve never listened so intently to the silence, wishing that something would fill it.
My body jumps involuntarily at the sound of the back door in the kitchen suddenly opening. I hear Silas come in and close the door and then approach me from behind.
He kisses the side of my cheek in greeting then takes a seat next to me and asks, “Nothing yet?”
I shake my head. “Nothing.”
Silas picks up the radio and presses the button to talk like he’s done every half hour or so for the last few hours and says, “Joseph.”
His voice is firm, almost demanding. It’s unusual given the strong camaraderie I’ve seen between him and Joseph.
He lets go of the talk button and waits for any sound to come out of the radio, but after a minute of silence, he sets the radio down on the table.
“We’ll keep trying,” he reassures me. “They can’t ignore us forever.”
I’m not as convinced, so I ask the question I’ve been holding off asking because I don’t know how Silas will react. “Will you take me to Jake? We can just drive over there so I can see him and talk to him, and you can talk to Joseph.”
“I can’t do that.” His expression remains firm, but I can see the conflict in his eyes.
“Why not?” When he doesn’t immediately answer, my mind is forced to make assumptions about his reasoning. “You don’t want me to know where the farm is, do you?”
“I’m saving you from the temptation of going to see Jake yourself,” he explains.
I throw my hands up in the air in exasperation. “Then fucking blindfold me. Throw me in the trunk. I don’t care.”
“I’m sure that would go over well with your brother,” Silas retorts. “He already thinks—”
“Silas.”
The single word over the radio causes everything in our world to stop.
Picking up the radio, Silas presses the button and responds, “Joseph.”
“We’re here,” he says quietly. “Jake’s here with me.”
Just hearing his name makes my heart clench and my eyes water, but I have to will those feelings away.
“I’m disappointed in you,” Silas scolds into the radio. “You shouldn’t have left like you did.”
There’s a short pause before Joseph’s voice finally fills the room again. “You shouldn’t have hidden that you have a torture chamber in your house.”
“It’s not what you th
ink,” Silas insists while avoiding my gaze. “If you really worried for her safety, you would have stopped me in the beginning. Don’t pretend like you didn’t know what was going on inside these walls.”
“Don’t try to pin this on Joseph,” Jake’s hostile voice suddenly jumps in, causing my heart to race.
A sharp laugh escapes Silas’ lips. “He’s not innocent in all of this. He knowingly took you away from your sister for me.”
“You put her through this hell, not him. You’re the one who pushed her to the point of suicide,” Jake fires back as his tirade crescendos to its peak before his voice turns low and seething. “How many days or weeks did you keep her in that room?”
“Everything I did had a purpose,” Silas argues, his voice escalating with each word.
“How long did it take you to brainwash her?” Jake presses.
Silas groans in frustration. “I didn’t force these feelings on her. I only helped her see them for what they were.” The radio shakes slightly within his hand as fury consumes him. “If you’d stop your crusade against me for just one fucking moment, you’d realize how strong your sister has become in the time she has spent with me. You’d realize I’m going to give her a better future here than you ever could have out on your own.”
For a moment I think Silas is going to hurl the radio at the wall and cause it to shatter into pieces, but he only slams it down on the table instead. He stands up from the chair, launching it backward before he starts pacing the room like he’s about to lose it completely.
I immediately get up and go to him, planting my feet firmly in his way to stop him from escalating in his anger any further. Taking his hands in mine, I bring them to my chest to help calm down the raging beast inside of him. His eyes are wide with fury at first, but they quickly begin to soften. He looks at me in disbelief or admiration—I’m not sure which—before he dips his head and closes his eyes.
“It’s you and me against the world,” he whispers before opening his eyes again. “It’s only you and me.”
I nod, my lips somehow managing to smile despite the pain that threatens to hollow me completely.
Falling Ash Page 29
