Barbara L. Clanton - 1 - Art for Art's Sake

by Barbara L. Clanton

  “Of course. I’ve got that sketch of you with the angry fire in your eyes. I’ll probably work on that during AP now that Mikey’s done. You don’t have to pose for that one.”

  “How come?” Dani looked disappointed.

  “Well, because I think I’ve had enough practice by now.” Not exactly a lie. “You have your own stuff to do in class, anyway.” How can I tell her that I never ever want to be on the receiving end of her anger?

  Dani groaned softly. “I have to figure out what my Whickett Days’ project is. Mrs. Levine said we have to start on Monday when we get back. How come all our teachers want some kind of Whickett Days’ project? They must have had a meeting or something to decide how to make our lives as busy as possible.”

  “Oh, I know.” Meredith took Millie’s photo from Dani and put both photos back on her overflowing desk. She went over and sat on her bed and leaned back against the headboard. Dani was in her room, and it felt weird. Weird, but good. Dani had only been in her room once before, to look at the sketches Meredith had made of Dani at that senior class meeting. That was a long time ago, though, the day they had met Esther and Millie for the first time at Hudson Pines. Other than that, Meredith had never had a friend in her room before. She tried to act as if she had friends in her room all the time.

  Meredith cleared her throat. “Mrs. Levine said she’d start taking slides of our AP work to send off to the College Board right after spring break. The slides are due the second week of May. Can you believe that’s only a month away?”

  “Wow. April’s almost half over. Time’s flying.” Dani swiveled the chair back and forth. “Coach is making us practice over spring break, but she said she’d probably give us a day off. Do you and Mikey want to go bowling again?”

  Meredith felt a flush of excitement at the prospect. “Yeah, that was fun. Mom has him scheduled up with a couple of play dates, so I’ll have to call you back on that. Sorry you have to practice.” She rolled her eyes. “I mean, c’mon, it’s spring break.”

  “That’s okay. I like lacrosse.”

  “No! Really?” Meredith pretended to be shocked.

  “Oh, shut up. God, I hope I make the team at Syracuse. I emailed the coach with my schedule and reminded her who I was. I even invited her to a game. My dad said I should put that part in there.”

  “Which game?”

  “I don’t know because I don’t know if she’s even coming. I know I’ll play like crap if she comes here.” Dani looked at the floor and exhaled forcefully. “If that coach actually comes here I think I’ll die.”

  Meredith sat up and crossed her legs Indian style. “Well, I doubt you’ll die, but, yeah, I can see how that’d be distracting.”

  “Speaking of distracting, how is it that you could concentrate on painting when I practically stared at you the whole time?”

  Meredith laughed, suddenly nervous. “I used to get as self-conscious as my models, but once I get into my work, I don’t think about it. I focus more on little pieces and parts of you, like your hair or an earlobe. I don’t focus on the whole you part of you.”

  “You focus on my pieces and parts?” Dani watched her.

  “Oh, c’mon, you make that sound so weird.”

  Dani picked up her feet and spun all the way around in the chair. She grinned. “I guess it’s not that weird. I mean, I even admitted that I went to the old painted lady in my mind a few times.”

  Meredith smiled and pulled a pillow into her lap. “Yeah, Esther and Millie’s house is really cool. I know we still have the PowerPoint to do, but I’m psyched that we finished our write-up. I wish Mr. Dalton had let us hand it in today.”

  “I know. He wanted the proposals to read over mid-winter break, but I guess he didn’t want any final projects to read over spring break. He must have big plans.” Dani put the emphasis on “big plans” which made Meredith giggle.

  “Yeah, like going down to the Whickett Historical Society to schmooze with the goober smoochers.”

  Dani burst out laughing. Meredith had the warm feeling again. She loved Dani’s laugh, especially because she was the one who’d made her laugh.

  Dani stopped laughing long enough to say, “You’re so funny. I’m actually glad Ben pissed me off that day and I dissed him to be your partner.”

  “Lucky for us, right?” Meredith smiled softly.

  “Best damn day of my life.” Dani slapped her thigh in a perfect Millie imitation.

  “Oh, my God. You sounded just like her.”

  “Thanks. I’ve been working on it.” Dani waggled her eyebrows.

  “Really?”

  “No, not really.” Dani smirked.

  Meredith thought about the first time they had met Esther and Millie at the Hudson Pines Senior Center. She had wanted to ask Dani about Millie for a long time, but couldn’t figure out how to phrase a question. She still wasn’t sure, but she went for it anyway. “Hey, do you find Millie confusing?”

  “Confusing?” Dani flicked her head to get the perpetual lock of hair out of her eyes. “No. I mean, she’s a real character and all, but no, she’s not confusing. Why?”

  “Oh, I don’t know. She says things sometimes that I don’t get. Like that first time we met she said we could go in the old house any time we wanted to and then she said something like, ‘anything for a sister.’ What did she mean by that?”

  “Uh...” Dani hesitated. “I don’t know.”

  “Danielle Anne Lassiter, you’re lying.”

  “What do you mean?” Dani seemed flustered.

  “I know you well enough by now that I can tell you’re not telling me the truth. You know what Millie meant, don’t you?”

  Dani fidgeted in her chair, but after a long pause finally answered, “Um, kind of, but I think we should talk about something else.”

  Why would Dani keep something from her? Meredith was a little confused so she remained quiet.

  “Really, Meredith, another time.” Dani’s voice had taken on a desperate edge. “Please.”

  “Just like how you won’t tell me who you like? It’s been over a month since you told me you liked somebody when we were in Mrs. Levine’s workroom. You still haven’t told me, you know.” Both girls were quiet.

  Meredith finally broke the silence. “You said I could trust you.”

  “You can.”

  “Well, you can trust me, too. So what did Millie mean by ‘sister’?”

  Dani looked out the window. She closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose with her thumb and forefinger as if she had a headache. “Okay,” she said slowly opening her eyes and releasing her nose. “But remember that you are the one who asked.”

  “Okay.” Meredith wondered what could be so earth shattering to make confident and strong Dani Lassiter so uptight.

  Dani cleared her throat and looked up at Meredith. “I think it means that...um, they’re gay.”

  The room became as quiet as a tomb. Meredith replayed silently what Dani had just told her. They’re gay. Esther and Millie? Esther and Millie are gay? Meredith couldn’t quite grasp the concept. Finally, she said out loud, “Gay? No way. They’re, like, in their seventies.”

  Dani chuckled, but Meredith heard the nervousness underneath. “I don’t think that kind of thing has an age limit.”

  “How do you know they’re gay?” Meredith whispered the word gay. “Did Millie tell you? At the hardware store? Esther didn’t say anything like that to me.” Meredith heard the unease in her own voice and fought to keep it under control. She hadn’t in a million years expected to hear that these two sweet old ladies were gay. “Dani, is this a joke or something? Because it’s not funny.”

  Dani watched her as if trying to gauge her reaction. She sighed and rested her chin on the back of the chair. With all seriousness she said, “No, I’m not kidding. Millie kind of hinted at it on the way to the hardware store, but I already knew.”

  “But what did Millie mean by ‘anything for a sister?’ I still don’t get that part.”
As soon as she said the words, realization hit her like a John Casey tackle. She hugged her pillow with both arms.

  Dani looked at Meredith, and they stared at each other in silence for a long time, while Meredith tried to keep her growing panic from showing. Meredith hugged the pillow tighter. “Dani?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Did you know those things about Esther and Millie because you...because you are, too?”

  Dani took a careful breath and said simply, “Yeah. I’m gay, too.”

  Meredith inhaled sharply. She thought she was prepared for the answer, but when Dani admitted she was gay so quickly and openly, it took Meredith by surprise. She was also surprised to feel a little jealous. Dani, Esther, and Millie had shared a secret she hadn’t been a part of.

  Dani looked Meredith right in the eye and said defensively, “And, now you know.”

  Meredith’s heart lurched at how vulnerable Dani looked. She didn’t know what to say. The only thing she could squeak out was, “Yeah.” Now I know. Meredith’s heart beat wildly. She didn’t know what to do. This was...unexpected. Okay, so Dani’s gay. Big deal. Why am I going all stupid and panicky? Get a freakin’ grip, Meredith.

  But Meredith couldn’t get a grip and the uncomfortable silence spread. Her anxiety must have been obvious, because Dani stood up abruptly causing the desk chair to roll across the room. “I guess I should go.” Her tone was distant.

  Meredith remained frozen. She couldn’t make her mouth move to say, “No, don’t go. It’s okay. I’m cool with it.” For some reason Meredith couldn’t even say the word, “Stay.”

  When Dani got to the doorway, she looked back at Meredith as if waiting for her to say something, but when Meredith simply held her breath, Dani turned and left quietly.

  Meredith closed her eyes tightly knowing that she had just been on the receiving end of an expression she had never seen before—hurt. Dani’s wounded expression tugged at her heart, yet Meredith still could not move. She blew out the air she didn’t know she had been holding in her lungs and listened to Dani make her way down the stairs.

  She heard Dani say, “See you later, dude” to her brother and almost bolted off the bed to run after her. That was, after all, the same Dani down there who had been her friend for over three months, but she couldn’t get her legs to move.

  Why did it take you so long to tell me, Dani? I thought I was your friend. As soon as Meredith got the thought out, she knew what a hypocrite she was. Dani was probably afraid to tell her because of the exact reaction she’d just had.

  Meredith put her hands over her ears in an attempt to block out the sound of Dani’s pickup door closing and the engine starting up. She uncovered her ears slowly only to hear the sound of the now familiar truck fading into the distance.

  The desk chair Dani had been sitting in had rolled across the room and now leaned against the closet door. Meredith got up and carefully placed it back at her desk. Deep down she knew that putting the chair back was an outward attempt to undo the last few minutes. Dani was gay. Why hadn’t she known? And why did it paralyze her? As Meredith sat on her bed, an even bigger question formed in her mind. Had Dani been after her these past three months? Is that why they had talked on the phone just about every night? Is that why Dani gave her that Valentine’s Day candy? Is that why Dani changed partners in Mr. Dalton’s class? Meredith’s head was spinning. How could this friend who’d made Meredith feel so good about herself be gay? And what did Dani think about all those things Meredith had given her? The art pencils, the lacrosse photos she had taken a few weeks ago, the brownies she’d made for the team? Did Dani think I was coming on to her? Meredith pondered that question for a moment. She had no answer.

  Meredith also tried to wrap her head around Esther and Millie. She had known the two women were close, but she thought they were two old spinsters who’d become friends. Gay women were scary people who had crew cuts and looked like men. Esther didn’t look like a man and even though Millie was fond of wearing jeans and flannel shirts, she didn’t look like a man, either. Then there was Dani. Meredith had spent a lot of time looking at Dani. She had short hair and looked boyish, but Dani definitely did not look like a man, and she wasn’t trying to. Of that, Meredith was certain.

  Her best friend had shared something very personal and serious with her, and she had done nothing but let her walk out the door. Why didn’t I stop her? Meredith leaped off the bed and yanked the cordless phone from its cradle. She held it in both hands against her chest and looked out the window in the direction Dani had gone. She closed her eyes. Oh, God, what have I done? She squeezed her eyes tight in an attempt to halt the flood of tears to no avail. She cried with her forehead against the window for several minutes, but then in resignation put the phone gently back into its cradle. She needed time to think. She would talk to Dani, but she needed to sort out this sudden upheaval in her life first.

  Chapter Thirteen

  All It’s Gonna Be

  THE WHICKETT GIRLS’ lacrosse team was losing three to nothing to their rivals, Beverwyck High, on the first day back after spring break. Meredith sat invisible at the end of the team bench while Mikey helped Christopher keep the water bottles filled. The bomb Dani had dropped on her the week before kept Meredith’s head swirling with confusing thoughts. Originally, they had planned to spend the entire spring break together. They had even planned to take Mikey bowling and to the movies, but Meredith hadn’t called Dani once during the break. Dani hadn’t called her, either.

  Meredith was ashamed at the way she had reacted. She still liked Dani, very much, and still wanted to be friends. In fact, the weeklong break had been lonely without her. The break had been just enough time to work it out in her mind that having a friend who was gay simply meant having a friend who was different than she was. Different was just that—different. The bigger issue now turning over in Meredith’s mind was understanding why she hadn’t known. She and Dani were supposedly good friends, best friends maybe, but Dani hadn’t told her. That was big.

  In art class that afternoon, Dani took her usual seat next to Meredith and said, “Hey.”

  Meredith simply said, “Hey” in return, but she could tell that Dani was simply going through the motions. Her eyes seemed cloudy, not the brilliant blue Meredith was accustomed to. The tension between them grew as thick as oil paint. When the art class was over, Dani bolted out the door as fast as she could. Meredith figured Dani was waiting for her to make the first move, but Meredith just couldn’t figure out what to say to undo the hurt she’d caused her friend.

  Meredith tried to stay focused on the game in front of her. Keeping her attention on the game was painful, though, since she kept seeing Dani on the field. She tried to focus on the warm mid-April sun instead, but winced when she saw Dani sail another shot well above the goal. Dani was playing poorly, and Meredith knew it was because she hadn’t welcomed Dani with opened arms after hearing her news.

  THE NEXT DAY, Tuesday, a full eleven days since Dani revealed her secret, Meredith stood at her easel in Mrs. Levine’s art room working on her portrait of Esther. She snuck a peak over her shoulder as Dani worked on a still life sketch of fruit. Meredith smiled when she noticed Dani using the colored pencils she had given her. She also overheard Dani tell Mrs. Levine that she was making the sketch to give to her friends Esther and Millie for the grand opening of the Randall-Bradley House. Dani told Mrs. Levine that the sketch symbolized the fruitful life the two women had led. Meredith kept smiling when she remembered how, at the beginning of the semester, Dani didn’t even know what a still life was, and now she was doing one of her own.

  Meredith desperately wanted to turn around and tell Dani that she wanted everything to go back to the way it was before. Instead, she looked back to her portrait with a sigh. She liked the photograph of Esther she had chosen, because Esther looked extremely happy. Kind of the polar opposite of the way Meredith felt. Esther told her that she had been in her late forties when the photograph was taken. Milli
e added that was about the time Esther started getting her “character lines.” Esther didn’t lose a beat and quipped that Millie was the cause of those character lines. Esther is so regal, Meredith thought, why am I having trouble accepting that she’s a gay woman? And Millie? And Dani?

  Meredith made a valiant effort to focus on the painting, but couldn’t help notice Dani’s familiar mannerisms behind her. The way she flicked her head to get the hair out of her eyes or the way she leaned back in her chair with her arms folded to get a better look at her drawing. Meredith noticed all of these things and more. The curve of blonde hair around Dani’s ear, her strong chiseled chin, her lean athlete’s physique. She had seen all of these things before, but not in the way she noticed them now. Meredith’s chest tightened when she realized how much she missed Dani’s blue eyes and the smiles meant only for her.

  Meredith swirled her brush in the jar of water and stared out the window knowing that Dani sat just five feet behind her. All she had to do was turn around and start talking. Tears filled her eyes when she realized how much she missed her friend. She missed being able to talk to her during the school day and then after school on the phone. She missed hearing about lacrosse practice and student government stuff and everything. She missed how Dani brought Mikey books and cookies. And Mikey. Meredith grimaced. He kept asking where Dani was. Where was his dude?

  Meredith stabbed at the tears in her eyes and turned slightly to sneak a peek at Dani. Meredith took in Dani’s tense shoulders and wan look. You used to look so peaceful. Now you look…unsettled. Did I do that to you? She cleaned up her easel. She simply could not work on Esther’s portrait now, not with such a heavy heart.

  She turned again only to find Dani looking at her. They both turned away quickly. Meredith took a deep breath for strength and slowly turned back around. Her heart clenched when she noticed the tired expression on Dani’s face. Meredith got off her stool and sat in her usual chair. She looked down at her hands and said, “Dani, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I reacted that way. I don’t know what happened.” She scratched at some paint on the table. “I got scared, I guess.”