The Wally Lamb Fiction Collection: The Hour I First Believed, I Know This Much is True, We Are Water, and Wishin' and Hopin'

by Lamb, Wally

  “Birds?” Sergeant Cox asked.

  “I know it wasn’t birds,” Maureen said. “But that’s what it sounded like.”

  “Cell phones,” Detective Chin said.

  The three of us looked over at him. His water glass was empty. He’d hardly said a word. “Cell phones,” he said again. “Ringing in the students’ backpacks. Parents trying to reach their kids.”

  Sergeant Cox asked Maureen if she and the others were escorted off the school grounds once she was outside. Mo nodded. “The four of us got into a cruiser, and they drove us to Clement Park. There were people everywhere—parents, kids. Everyone was crying, hugging each other. Two or three of the kids were hysterical. I didn’t speak to anyone. I just kept walking, through the park. And then, at the other end, I saw the library and said to myself that I’d go in there.”

  “The public library?”

  “Yes. So I went in, and went to the women’s room. And I started seeing and hearing everything I’d seen and heard that morning, when those boys … walked in and started laughing and yelling…. And I thought I was going to have to throw up, but I was too afraid to close the stall. I didn’t want to be closed in, even if I was going to vomit. And then I did vomit, with the door open. And later, I heard that people were meeting their kids at Leawood, so I walked to Leawood, and I thought, I’ll walk in and Velvet will be there, or I’ll be there and she’ll walk in and see me. But …”

  * * *

  A LITTLE BEFORE NOON, MAUREEN and I drove over to Leawood Elementary School. Most of the family members who’d been there the night before had made it back. The D.A. arrived at about twelve fifteen. True to his word, he had a list. He said he would read the names of all the deceased—those who had died outside and inside the school. As he read from his list, fathers and mothers clamped their eyes shut, nodding in anguished resignation, but no one screamed out. No one wailed.

  “Lauren Townsend, Rachel Scott, Kyle Velasquez, John Tomlin, Cassie Bernall, Daniel Mauser, Daniel Rohrbaugh, Corey DePooter, Isaiah Shoels, Steven Curnow, Kelly Fleming, Matthew Kechter, William ‘Dave’ Sanders, Dylan Klebold, and Eric Harris.”

  Maureen and I looked at each other. We approached the D.A. Waited while several of the others asked him questions about the removal and reclaiming of their sons’ and daughters’ bodies. At last, he turned to us.

  “What about Velvet Hoon?” Maureen asked.

  He looked again at his list. Shook his head. “Is she your daughter?”

  I told him she was an emancipated minor, a former student.

  “She was there,” Maureen said. “In the library.”

  He consulted his list again, twisted the hairs of his mustache. “Ma’am, at this point in time, we’ve examined every square inch of that school,” he said. “If her name’s not on this list, then she got out.”

  chapter eight

  EXCERPTS FROM DYLAN KLEBOLD’S JOURNAL, 1997:

  “Fact: People are so unaware … well, Ignorance is bliss I guess…. I swear—like I’m an outcast, & everyone is conspiring against me … The lonely man strikes with absolute rage.”

  Excerpts from Eric Harris’s Journal, 1998:

  “I will sooner die than betray my own thoughts, but before I leave this worthless place, I will kill whoever I deem unfit…. I want to burn the world, I want to kill everyone except about 5 people…. I’m full of hate and I love it.”

  Posting on Eric Harris’s AOL Web site, 1998:

  “YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE!!!? Cuuuuuuuuhntryyyyyyyyyyy music!!!…

  YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE!!!? People who say that wrestling is real!! … YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE!!!? People who use the same word over and over again! Read a fucking book or two, increase your vo-cab-u-lary fucking idiots…. YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE!!!? STUPID PEOPLE!!! Why must so many people be so stupid!!? … YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE!!!? When people mispronounce words! And they don’t even know it to, like acrosT, or eXpreso, pacific (specific), or 2 pAck. Learn to speak correctly you morons…. YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE!!!? STAR WARS FANS!!! GET A FasaaaaaRIGGIN LIFE YOU BORING GEEEEEKS! … My belief is that if I say something, it goes. I am the law, if you don’t like it, you die. If I don’t like you or I don’t like what you want me to do, you die. If I do something incorrect, oh fucking well, you die. Dead people can’t do many things like argue, whine, bitch, complain, narc, rat out, criticize, or even fucking talk. So that’s the only way to solve arguments with all you fuckheads out there. I just kill!… Feel no remorse, no sense of shame…. I will rig up explosives all over a town and detonate each one of them at will after I mow down a whole fucking area full of you snotty ass rich mother fucking high strung godlike attitude having worthless piece of shit whores. I don’t care if I live or die in the shoot-out. All I want to do is kill and injure as many of you as I can, especially a few people. Like Brooks Brown.1… From now on, I don’t give a fuck what almost any of you mutha fuckas have to say, unless I respect you which is highly unlikely, but for those of you who happen to know me and know that I respect you, may peace be with you and don’t be in my line of fire. For the rest of you, you all better hide in your house because im comin for EVERYONE soon and I WILL be armed to the fucking teeth and I WILL shoot to kill and I WILL fucking KILL EVERYTHING! No I am not crazy, crazy is just a word, to me it has no meaning, everyone is different, but most of you fuckheads out there in society, going to your everyday fucking jobs and doing your everyday routine shitty things, I say fuck you and die. If you got a problem with my thoughts, come tell me and I’ll kill you, because … god damnit, DEAD PEOPLEDON’T ARGUE!”

  Excerpt from a “mea culpa” school essay by Eric Harris, describing what he learned after he and Dylan Klebold were arrested for breaking into and stealing equipment from a parked van on January 30, 1998. Shortly after the theft, Harris and Klebold were approached and later brought into custody by Officer Tim Walsh of the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office, who was on patrol and noticed the boys, parked not far from the break-in, examining the stolen goods.

  “After a very unique experience in a real live police station being a real live criminal, I had lots of time to think about what I did…. As I waited, I cried, I hurt, and I felt like hell…. My parents lost all respect and trust in me and I am still slowly regaining it. That experience showed me that no matter what crime you think of committing, you will get caught, that you must, absolutely must, think things through before you act, and that just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should. To this day I still do not have a hard realistic reason why we broke into that car, but since we did, we have been set on a track that makes it mandatory for me to be a literal angel until March of 1999.”

  Excerpt from Eric Harris’s journal describing his private reaction to the van break-in:

  “Isn’t America supposed to be the land of the free? How come if I’m free, I can’t deprive a stupid fucking dumbshit from his possessions if he leaves them sitting in the front seat of his fucking van out in plain sight and in the middle of fucking nowhere on a Fri-fucking-day night? NATURAL SELECTION. Fucker should be shot.”

  Videotaped boast of Eric Harris:

  “I could convince them that I’m going to climb Mount Everest, or I have a twin brother growing out of my back. I can make you believe anything.”

  Excerpt from Eric Harris’s journal entry dated April 26, 1998:

  “Once the first wave starts to go off and the chaos begins, V opens fire and I start lobbin’ the firebombs. Then I open fire, V starts lobbin’ more crickets. Then if we can go upstairs and go to each classroom we can pick off fuckers at our will. If we still can we will hijack some awesome car, and drive off to the neighborhood of our choice and start torching houses with Molotov cocktails. By that time cops will be all over us and we start to kill them too! We use bombs, fire bombs, and anything we fucking can to kill and damage as much as we fucking can…. I want to leave a lasting impression on the world.”

  Excerpt from Eric Harris’s journal on the December 1998 day fellow Columbine stu
dent Robyn Anderson purchased weapons for Klebold and Harris at a gun show:

  “We … have … GUNS! We fucking got em, you sons of bitches! HA! HA HA HA! Neener! Booga Booga. Heh. It’s all over now. This caps it off, the point of no return.”

  Excerpt from Dylan Klebold’s February 1999 creative writing class assignment, a short story about an assassin who kills unsuspecting victims as they emerge from a bar:

  “I not only saw in his face, but also felt emanating from him power, complacence, closure, and godliness…. The man smiled, and in that instant, through no endeavor of my own, I understood his actions.”

  Dialogue voiced by Eric Harris in a late 1998 video, in which he plays the part of a professional hit man for “Trenchcoat Mafia Protection Services.” The video was submitted in fulfillment of an assignment for Harris’s Government and Economics class, in which students were to design and promote a product or service:

  “If you ever touch him again, I will frickin’ kill you! I’ll pull out my shotgun and blow your goddamn head off! Do you understand, you worthless … piece … of crap?”

  Dialogue voiced by Dylan Klebold, in the “Trenchcoat Mafia Protection Services” video:

  “If you bother him again, I will rip off your goddamn head and shove it so far up your friggin’ ass, you’ll be coughing up dandruff for four frickin’ months!”

  Scrawled by Eric Harris in a fellow student’s yearbook:

  “I hate everything unless I say otherwise, hey don’t follow your dreams or your goals or any of that bullshit, follow your fucking animal instincts, if it moves kill it, if it doesn’t, burn it. Kein mitleid!!!”2

  Dylan Klebold, asking the traditional questions at the Klebold family’s seder, Passover 1999, as is customary for the youngest at the table:

  “Why is this night different from all other nights? Why do we eat only matzph on Pesach? Why do we eat bitter herbs at our Seder? Why do we dip our foods twice tonight? Why do we lean on a pillow tonight?”3

  Exclamation of Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris when they got strikes in bowling class:

  “Sieg Heil!”

  Sardonic off-camera comment of Eric Harris during videotaped shooting practice at Rampart Range, March of 1999. A closeup shows a shooter’s hand, bloody from shotgun kickback.

  “Guns are bad. When you saw them off and make them illegal, bad things happen.”

  Comment by Dylan Klebold during the videotaped shooting practice at Rampart Range. A closeup shows a bullet-shattered bowling pin.

  “Imagine that is someone’s fucking brain.”

  From Eric Harris’s journal, April 3, 1999:

  “Months have passed. It’s the first Friday night in the final month. Much shit has happened. VoDKa has a TEC–9, we test fired all our babies, we have 6 time clocks ready, 39 crickets, 24 pipe bombs, and the napalm is under construction…. Feels like a goddamn movie sometimes. I wanna try to put some bombs and mines around this town too, maybe. Get a few extra frags on the scoreboard. I hate you people for leaving me out of so many fun things. And no, don’t fucking say ‘Well that’s your fault’ because it isn’t, you people had my phone #, and I asked and all, but no no no don’t let the weird looking Eric KID come along. Ooh fucking nooo …”

  Dylan Klebold’s last journal entry, April 18, 1999:

  “About 26.5 hours from now, the judgment will begin. Difficult but not impossible, necessary, nerve-wracking and fun. What fun is life without a little death? It’s interesting, when I’m in my human form, knowing I’m going to die. Everything has a touch of triviality to it.”

  From Eric Harris’s journal:

  “It’s my fault! Not my parents, not my brother, not my friends, not my favorite bands, not computer games, not the media, it’s mine.”

  Scrawled on the page for Mother’s Day 1999 in Eric Harris’s academic day planner:

  “Good wombs have born bad sons.”

  April 20, 1999, itinerary written in Eric Harris’s day planner:

  5:00 Get up

  6:00 meet at KS

  7:00 go to Reb’s house

  7:15 he leaves to fill propane I leave to fill gas

  8:30 Meet back at his house

  9:00 made d. bag set up car

  9:30 practice gearups Chill

  10:30 set up 4 things

  11: go to school

  11:10 set up duffel bags

  11:12 wait near cars, gear up

  11:16 HAHAHA

  Final entry in Dylan Klebold’s math notebook:

  Walk in, set bombs at 11:09, for 11:17

  Leave,

  Drive to Clemete Park. Gear up.

  Get back by 11:15

  Park cars. Set car bombs for 11:18

  Get out, go to outside hill, wait.

  When first bombs go off, attack.

  have fun!

  Eric Harris’s laughing advice to classmate Brooks Brown outside Columbine High School, shortly before the shooting began, April 20, 1999:

  “Brooks, I like you now. Get out of here. Go home.”

  As Harris and Klebold, wearing black trench coats and carrying a backpack and duffel bag, stand together at the top of Columbine High School’s west exterior, the order by one to the other to begin shooting, as reported by a witness, 11:19 a.m., April 20, 1999:

  “Go! Go!”

  Klebold or Harris, between 11:19 and 11:23 a.m., during which time they killed students Rachel Scott and Daniel Rohrbough and injured students Richard Castaldo, Sean Graves, Lance Kirklin, Anne-Marie Hochhalter, Mark Taylor, and Michael Johnson outside the school, as reported by a witness:

  “This is what we always wanted to do! This is awesome!”

  Klebold or Harris, before entering the school library, 11:29 a.m., as reported by a witness:

  “Are you still with me? We’re going to do this, right?”

  Written on pipe bombs thrown inside the school:

  “VoDKa Vengeance”

  Miscellaneous taunts of Klebold and Harris, laughing and shouting in the library while killing students Kyle Velasquez, Steve Curnow, Cassie Bernall, Isaiah Shoels, Matt Kechter, John Tomlin, Lauren Townsend, Kelly Fleming, Danny Mauser, and Corey DePooter, and injuring students Evan Todd, Dan Steepleton, Makai Hall, Patrick Ireland, Kasey Ruegsegger, Mark Kintgen, Valeen Schnurr, Lisa Kreutz, Nicole Nowlen, Jeanna Park, Jennifer Doyle, and Austin Eubanks, as reported by witnesses and recorded on a 911 call, 11:29 to 11:36 a.m.:

  “Get up! Are you guys scared? Well, don’t be, because you’re all going to die anyway…. Everyone wearing a white hat, stand up! All the jocks stand up! We’re going to kill every single one of you! … Yahoo!… Hey, I think I got a nigger here. I always wondered what nigger brains looked like…. How about you, big boy? You want to get shot today?… Why should you live?… Do you believe in God?4 Why? … You think you look cool? You’re a fucking geek…. Hey, fat boy. You’re pathetic…. Peek-a-boo!… Look at that head blow up. I didn’t know brains could fly.”

  Klebold’s answer to a student hiding beneath a library table, after the student asked Klebold what he was doing:

  “Oh, just killing people.” 5

  Voices in unison, heard by a library witness shortly before Harris’s and Klebold’s suicides:

  “One! Two! Three!”

  Excerpts from three videocassettes left behind by Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, recorded during several sessions in March and April of 1999, mostly in the Harris family’s basement. The last segment was taped on the morning of April 20, 1999, shortly before the two left Harris’s home to begin their rampage.

  HARRIS : “There is nothing that anyone could have done to prevent this. No one is to blame except me and VoDKa.”

  KLEBOLD: “War is war.”

  KLEBOLD: “I hope we kill 250 of you.”

  KLEBOLD: “I think this is going to be the most nerve-racking fifteen minutes of my life, after the bombs are set and we’re waiting to charge through the school. Seconds will be like hours. I can’t wait. I’ll be shaking like a leaf.�
�

  HARRIS: “It’s going to be like fucking Doom.6 Tick, tick, tick, tick…. Ha! That fucking shotgun is straight out of Doom!”

  KLEBOLD: “People have no clue.”

  HARRIS: “We’re going to kick-start a revolution.”

  HARRIS: “We’re gonna come back as ghosts and haunt the survivors. Create flashbacks from what we do and drive them insane.”

  HARRIS: “More rage. More rage. Keep building on it.”

  HARRIS : “Isn’t it fun to get the respect that we’re going to deserve?”

  KLEBOLD: “If you could see all the anger I’ve stored over the past four fucking years…. Being shy didn’t help. I’m going to kill you all. You’ve been giving us shit for years…. You’re fucking going to pay for all the shit. We don’t give a shit because we’re going to die doing it.”

  HARRIS : “We are but aren’t psycho.”

  KLEBOLD: “It’s humanity. Look what you made. You’re fucking shit, you humans, and you deserve to die.”

  KLEBOLD: “Fuck you, Walsh!”7

  HARRIS: “My parents are the best fucking parents I have ever known. My dad is great. I wish I was a fucking sociopath so I don’t have any remorse, but I do. This is going to tear them apart. They will never forget it. I really am sorry about all this…. It fucking sucks to do this to them.”