Rapturous, a Tame Quantum Novel

by Marie Force

  You’ve got the code, honey. Come on in.

  Be there in twenty.

  I pull up to the house seventeen minutes later and punch Sebastian’s birthday into the keypad outside the gate, which swings open to admit me. I bought the Spanish hacienda-style home for Graciela with some of the first money I ever made on my films. I’ll never forget the day I brought her here and handed her the keys. She cried so hard I worried I’d have to take her to the emergency room.

  Smiling at the memory, I kill the engine outside the mudroom door that we use to come and go.

  Thanks to my patronage, she doesn’t work anymore. Rather, she donates her time to other youth in need, doing for them what she once did for me. Every time my parents forgot they had a son on a holiday or birthday, Graciela filled the void. She never forgot about me, and I’ve never forgotten her or what she did for me.

  My family has no idea I’m still in touch with my father’s former housekeeper, let alone that I happily support her. I enjoy imagining what my father would have to say about that since I’ve refused to give him one dime of my earnings—and he has asked plenty of times. Why should I? He barely acknowledged me until I had money, so I’m not inclined to share with him or his “real” family, as he once referred to his other kids while raging at me about something.

  Wearing a robe and slippers, Graciela is waiting for me at the door and greets me with a warm hug. With her long dark hair framing her pretty, unlined face, she looks much younger than her sixty years.

  “This is a nice surprise, hijo.” I love when she calls me the Spanish word for son, which is what she also calls Sebastian. Funny how one small word can convey a world of meaning. Though she left Mexico with her family as a very young girl, her native tongue still makes an appearance from time to time.

  She hooks her arm through mine and leads me to the cozy family room that’s my favorite room in the house. The TV is paused on Jimmy Fallon’s face. She records his show and watches after it’s over so she can skip the commercials.

  “What brings you out so late?”

  “I need a shoulder.”

  “Mine are always available to you. You know that.”

  “Sorry to come at this hour.”

  She pours me a glass of Pappy and hands it to me. “You’re well aware that I’m always up past my bedtime.”

  I gesture to the TV screen. “Still nursing that crush, huh?”

  “You know it. I’d leave home for Jimmy.”

  “I told him that when Flynn and I were on the show last year. He said he’s coming for you.”

  “My bags are packed.”

  I smile at the predictable reply as she curls up on the sofa next to me, hugging one of the plump pillows she has all over the house. Sebastian and I tease her about how many pillows one woman needs, and she says a body can never have too many. As far as we’re concerned, she can have a million of them if that’s what makes her happy.

  “You didn’t come here to talk about Jimmy Fallon.”

  “No.” I focus on the movement of the amber liquid in my glass. “There’s a woman.”

  “Ahhh,” she says with a big smile. “I had a feeling. Is it Flynn’s Addie?”

  Startled, I look over at her. “How do you know?”

  “The whole world saw you kiss her on TV, hijo. I was watching. One of my boys was up for the big awards. I saw the whole thing.”

  “That was the start of it. Well, it started a long time ago, if I’m being truthful, but that was the first time I acted on it.”

  “Why so long?”

  “It’s complicated.”

  “The best things usually are,” she says with a knowing smile. She’d been wildly in love with Sebastian’s father, who left her while she was pregnant and then came back ten years later to make amends to both of them. As far as I know, they’re still together, but for whatever reason, they don’t live together. She’s private about her personal life, and I don’t pry. “What’s so complicated with your Addie?”

  “What isn’t complicated?” I take a deep breath and release it. “Other than what she means to my closest friends, she’s Flynn’s assistant and everyone loves her.”

  “Including you?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Is that the problem?”

  “Kind of.”

  “I’ve waited a long time to see one of my boys finally take the fall.” Her smile is full of maternal delight. “It’s high time, wouldn’t you say?”

  “It feels like total shit. Is it supposed to feel like that?”

  She dissolves into laughter that infuriates me. How dare she laugh when I’m dead serious?

  “Hayden, honey, it only feels like shit when you fight it. Why’re you fighting it?”

  “Because! It’ll be a freaking disaster.” I still don’t dare say the actual F word around her after having my mouth washed out with soap as a nine-year-old trying out the word for the first time. “I’m not cut out for the things she wants from me. Look at my parents. Look at how I was raised. What do I know about relationships or making them work?”

  “Seems to me you know quite a lot. How far back do we go?”

  I eye her with disdain. “You know full well we go all the way back.”

  “And you still show up. You still care about Sebastian and me and your other friends, like Flynn, who you’ve known for twenty-five years. You’ve got more friends than anyone I know, and you’re loyal to all of them, not to mention what you do for your mother.”

  “Addie says the same thing, but it’s different with her. That’s not the kind of relationship she wants to have with me.”

  “I should hope she wants a hell of a lot more from you.”

  “She wants everything.”

  “Would it be so hard to try, Hayden?”

  “It would be hard if I tried and failed. Too many people who matter to me, including Addie, would hate me if I screw it up.”

  “The Hayden Roth I know and love doesn’t care what people think of him.”

  “He cares what some people think.”

  “That’s not enough to keep the man I know from being with the woman he loves. So what aren’t you telling me?”

  I take a drink from the glass and then put it on the table. For once, Pappy isn’t doing a thing for me tonight. “I feel out of control when I’m with her, like everything is spinning away from me, and I can’t seem to make sense of anything.”

  “Ahhh, I see,” she says, nodding, an astute expression on her face. “That would mess with your equilibrium.”

  “Yes, exactly!” I’m relieved she gets it.

  “Of course, you know that’s total bullshit.”

  I’m not sure which shocks me more—that she doesn’t actually get it or the words she uses to say so. “What does that mean?”

  “No matter how hard you try, you can’t control every aspect of your life. You can’t control what other people do or feel. You can’t control how you feel about some things. As much as you’d like to think you can, you can’t actually stop the world from turning or bad things from happening. That’s life, hijo. Shit happens. People fall in love, and they survive it.”

  “I don’t know if I would. I have no idea how to do it. I don’t know how to be what she wants and needs.”

  “Yes, you do. You know exactly how to love and be loved. You show up for me and for everyone you care about. You can do it for her, too. That’s all you have to do, Hayden. Show up for her. That’s what she wants from you.”

  “You make it sound so simple when we both know it’s anything but.”

  “It’s messy and complicated and painful and beautiful and joyful and agonizing all at the same time.”

  “Sounds like the flu,” I mutter.

  She laughs and shoves my shoulder. “Stop being such a grumpy old man. It’s nothing like the flu, as you know, or you wouldn’t be so torn up about it.”

  “I can’t even bring myself to say the words she needs to hear, even though I feel them. I’ve never
said them to a woman before.”

  “When the time is right, and the feeling is right, they’ll be the easiest words you’ll ever say.”

  In the scope of a minute, the time I’ve spent recently with Addie replays in my mind like the sweetest movie I’ll ever shoot. In addition to the last few incredible days, I also see flashbacks from years of friendship, smiles and laughter and sunny days at the beach, nights on the town and so many memories that revolve around her.

  “You need to give yourself a chance to be happy, Hayden. If anyone has earned that right, you have.”

  “That’s not true. Lots of people have grown up worse off than I did.”

  “Not too many people I know.”

  I shake my head. I’ve never been able to handle people feeling sorry for the poor little rich kid whose parents ignored him.

  “Let go of that rigid control of yours and let her in, if that’s where she wants to be. Stop thinking about the worst that could happen and try thinking about the best.”

  “And what would that be?”

  “A beautiful, sweet life with the woman you love.”

  Yearning so sharp and so intense takes my breath away. I can’t recall ever wanting anything more than I want that sweet life with Addison. “I want that,” I say in a gruff whisper. “I want her. I want her so much that it makes me feel powerless.”

  “You’re not powerless, my love. You have the power to create a life that makes you happy and satisfied. There’s no greater power than that.” She holds out her arms to me, and I go to her, resting my forehead on her shoulder while she runs her fingers through my hair, mothering me the way she has my whole life, when my own mother has been unable to. “You’ll never be sorry for taking a chance. But if you don’t, I fear you’ll regret it the rest of your life.”

  “I have the same fear.”

  “Then you know what you have to do.”

  It was, I suppose, inevitable. From the first time that bright-eyed teenager stepped foot on my set and drove me bonkers with her inquisitiveness, her questions and an overabundance of energy. She was inevitable. We were inevitable. “Thank you, Gracie.”

  “I didn’t do anything but tell you what you already knew. You’ll bring your Addie to me someday soon?”

  “If she’ll still have me.”

  “She’ll have you.”

  “How can you be so sure?”

  “After you kissed her on TV, you walked away to collect your award, but the camera remained on her for another second, and I saw everything I needed to see.”

  “What did you see?” I ask, stunned.

  “The woman who’s in love with my Hayden.” She releases me to reach for her phone on the coffee table and hands it to me after finding what she was looking for. “See for yourself.”

  I press Play on the video she has cued up and watch as I kiss Addie. The camera stays trained on her for an additional second or two after I walk away. And in that second, I see what Graciela saw—surprise, yearning, love, affection, desire. I see everything I ever wanted and then some.

  “Stop running from your destiny, Hayden. Run to her, not away from her.”

  “You really think I can do this and not make a total mess of it?”

  “I have no doubt at all.”

  I lean into her one-armed hug. “Thanks, Gracie.”

  “Any time, amor mio.”

  I emerge from my building to find Hayden’s Range Rover parked at the curb. He’s asleep behind the wheel, and my heart turns over in my chest at the sight of him. I was awake half the night thinking about the way he looked when he left, Marlowe’s plan and what I’ll do if it doesn’t work. The sleep I did get was checkered with dreams about Hayden interspersed with the things I saw at Devon’s club.

  I’m more exhausted than I’ve ever been. This exhaustion is pervasive—body and soul. I’m so tired of wanting someone who is perpetually just out of reach. Part of me wants to ignore the fact that he’s outside my building and obviously waiting for me. But the part of me that loves him can’t ignore him.

  I rap on the passenger window, and he awakes with a start.

  He turns the key, and the window opens.

  “What’re you doing here?”

  “You need a ride to your dad’s to get your car.”

  “How do you know where my car is?”

  His cheek twitches as his jaw sets with tension. “Get in, Addie.”

  “I have an Uber coming.”

  “Cancel it.”

  “I thought you were done with me.”

  “I’m not.”

  “For how long are you not done with me?”

  “What does that mean?”

  “I’m just wondering—are you back for the day, the week or is the jury still out?”

  “I’m back to stay.”

  “What changed?”

  “Will you please get in the car, Addison?”

  “Not until you tell me what brought you back when you said last night—”

  “Forget what I said last night. Just forget it.”

  I want to. Dear God, I want to jump in that car and into his arms. I want to hold on and never let go, but more than that, I want assurances that he’s not going to run again. “I wish I could.”

  “You can. Please, Addie. I want to talk to you.”

  “I wanted to talk to you last night, but you left.”

  “I know, and I’m sorry for that. Give me another chance.”

  “So you’re ready to bring me into every aspect of your life?”

  After a long hesitation—long enough to tell me he’s not as ready as he thinks—he says, “Yes.” His teeth are gritted, and that pulse in his cheek is working overtime.

  “I need to think, Hayden, and I can’t do that when I’m with you.”

  “What’s there to think about? I said I was sorry for leaving, and I’m ready to be what you want. What else can I do to convince you—”

  “Give me some space.” This is killing me, but I need to go through with Marlowe’s plan, or I’ll never be entirely sure that he’s come back for the right reasons. A black car pulls up to the curb behind Hayden’s Range Rover. “My ride is here. I’ll see you later at Flynn’s?” He’s planning a celebration for Natalie, who is due to get her driver’s license today.

  “Yeah.” He throws the Range Rover into drive, his tires squealing as he pulls away.

  “That went well.” I feel sick and despondent as I get into the Uber car for the ride to Redondo Beach. On the way, I send a text to Marlowe.

  Hayden was outside my place this morning. He apologized and said he’s ready to try.

  She responds immediately. What did you say?

  I asked for more time. I don’t think he’s ready for everything…

  So you’re going forward with the plan for tonight?

  I think I have to or I’ll never know for sure.

  For what it’s worth, I agree. He needs to see that you’re serious about wanting to understand what drives him. Seeing you at Devon’s club will get that point across better than anything else ever could.

  I hope you’re right.

  When have you known me not to be right??

  Ha!

  Hang in there, kiddo. You’ll have the answers you need tonight, one way or the other.

  That’s what I’m afraid of…

  I think it’s going to work out exactly the way it was always meant to.

  I want to ask her what she means by that, but before I can, she texts again.

  See you at Flynn’s later?

  I’ll be there.

  Great. We can finalize the plan.

  You’re enjoying this a little too much.

  LOL! I love to see my friends happy.

  That would be nice.

  It’s going to happen, Addie. I’m sure of it.

  Thanks. Xoxo

  Thank YOU for getting Leah off to such a great start. Already wondering how I lived so long without my own Addie.

  Glad to hear it. She�
��s fantastic. I like her.

  Me too. Have a great day.

  You too!

  Since my dad is usually up half the night working, I don’t disturb him. After the Uber car drops me outside his house, I get in my car to make the trek back to the city in rush-hour traffic on the 5. The slow roll gives me far too much time to think about how this day might unfold. By the time I arrive at the office an hour after I left my dad’s, I’m a nervous wreck. I pull into my spot next to Hayden’s Range Rover and head into the building, paying attention to the other set of elevators for the first time. I’ve never once wondered where they lead, which is amusing in light of what I now know.

  I’m filled with curiosity about the basement of the building where I’ve worked for five years and wonder if or when I’ll ever see what goes on down there. Part of me doesn’t want to know. I can’t imagine seeing my friends in that context.

  My day at the office is busy with final details for Flynn and Natalie’s trips to Rome and Prague as well as plans for the getaway to Mexico. I order food and beverages for tonight’s party at Flynn’s Hollywood Hills home and coordinate with the event planner about setting up tables by the pool. It’s supposed to be in the low eighties today, so it’ll be a nice night to be outside.

  After the word got out about the carnival the foundation wishes to have, I’ve been inundated with offers of properties. Everyone wants to be tied to the worthy cause of feeding hungry kids, and everyone in Hollywood wants to be in Flynn’s good graces after the clean sweep of award season. The sucking up has gotten even more ridiculous than it was before, and that’s saying something. In consultation with Flynn, I narrow down the choices to two estates—one in Calabasas and the other in Pacific Palisades. I make appointments to see both after we return from Mexico.

  At about three o’clock, Flynn appears at my door, his smile stretching from ear to ear. “She passed.”

  “Of course she did.” I’m thrilled for Natalie, who never had the chance to learn to drive the way regular teenagers do. When Flynn found out she’d never driven a car, he had me apply for a permit with the state of California so he could teach her himself.

  “Perfect score.” He’s like a proud papa crowing about his wife.

  “Congratulations. Is she here?”