The Virgin Romance Novelist

by Meghan Quinn

“Good job, love. You recognize we’re in a small room with a pisser, now let’s do your business and get out of here.”

  “I can’t when you’re looking at me.”

  “Fine,” he turned and put his hands in his pockets, giving me limited privacy.

  For a moment, I took in his appearance. He was wearing tight fitted grey khaki pants that were folded at the bottom, a pair of saddle shoes, and a checkered shirt with a black tie. He looked beyond handsome, like always.

  “Nice outfit,” I said, while I pulled up my skirt and started squirting baby powder in my underpants, the more the better.

  “Thanks. I must say, Rosie, you look spectacular. Your tits are amazing in that dress.”

  Rolling my eyes, I said, “Thanks, I guess.”

  Laughing, he said, “In all seriousness, you look beautiful, love.” I gulped at his compliment. The softness of his voice shot straight through me, making me wonder if he was starting to look at me in a different light.

  Silence fell between us, and an unsettling tension formed between us. Was I crazy for thinking Henry actually might find me attractive? He was just being a friend, right?

  I was so damn confused.

  Clearing his throat, Henry asked, “You about done?”

  “Yeah,” I replied, while twisting the cap of the baby powder shut and stuffing it back in my purse.

  He turned around and held out his hand. I took it with mine and let him pull me closer. He lifted my chin and said, “Seriously, you took my breath away when I saw you, Rosie. I’m sure Atticus is head over heels infatuated with you already.”

  “Thank you,” I replied, not knowing what else to say. Wanting to change the subject so I stopped sweating in my best friend’s arms, I asked, “Did you see him?”

  A small frown marred Henry’s face for a second before he answered, “Not yet, but I will be sure to give you my rating later tonight, and if he starts to get handsy, you can bet that pretty little butt of yours that I will be stepping in.”

  “Don’t you dare!”

  “Can’t help it, I’m protective.”

  “Is that why you came here?” I asked as we exited the bathroom, avoiding sneers from all the women in the long line, waiting for the one holer. “To spy on me, make sure Atticus wasn’t getting handsy?”

  “If I said yes, would you be mad at me?”

  “You’re impossible,” I shook my head and stepped away. “I’ll be fine, Henry, but thank you for your concern…”

  “Henry,” a shrill came from the side of the room as a blonde Jessica Rabbit came strolling up next to Henry. Her breasts looked like they were going to fall out of her dress at any moment, and her voice rivaled that of Fran Dresher’s. “There ya are. I’ve been lookin’ all over for ya,” she said, while chewing what seemed like a wad of gum.

  I cringed at the heavy accent coming from the elegant-looking lady, sans breasts.

  “Just helping out my best friend here,” he said, while blatantly staring at her breasts. Some people never changed. She noticed his perusal and puffed her chest out some more.

  “Nice to meet you,” I said, lying, since I actually didn’t meet her. I turned to Henry, who was able to take his eyes off of his date’s nippleloons for more than two seconds. “Have a good night, Henry. I’ll talk to you later.”

  He pulled me into a hug and whispered in my ear. “I’m here for you if you need anything.”

  “I’ll be fine,” I said back. “Enjoy your friend and her giant moo mammies.”

  Chuckling softly, he hugged me tightly and pulled away, giving me that little wink of his.

  I headed back to my booth full of energy. I had a date to attend to.

  As I approached the table, Jenny gave me a look of utter confusion as she stared down at me. Atticus came up beside me and asked if I was ready to dance. I was, but the look Jenny gave me was concerning, so I told Atticus “one second” and beckoned Jenny over to me, who was already on her way to talk to me.

  “What’s going on?” I asked in a hushed tone.

  “You’re smoking.”

  “Oh, why thank you,” I accepted her compliment. “But why are you giving me a weird look.”

  “No, I mean you’re smoking.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Every time you move, there is this cloud of smoke coming out from under your dress.”

  “Cloud of smoke? Are you high?”

  “Is your vagina high? Because it’s smoking something under that dress of yours.”

  “Jenny, you’re losing it…” as I said the words, her accusation clicked in my head, just as Atticus grabbed my hand.

  “I love this song, come on.”

  He pulled me out on the dance floor with a trail of puffed baby powder following in our wake. He whipped me around the dance floor, jitterbugging, bouncing up and down and pulling me into him. With every movement, I could see the puff of baby powder come up from under my skirt. Mortification ran through my veins, and I stiffly moved across the dance floor with Atticus.

  Desperate for help, I looked over at Jenny who had her hand over her mouth, looking at me in disbelief. I knew she had to be convinced my vagina was on fire. She was no help.

  Thank God Atticus was completely oblivious as he jigged about, but I couldn’t say that for everyone else around us as the lights shone down on Atticus and me, picking up the film of baby powder excreting from my panties. The lights made it that much more obvious.

  Humiliation set in deeper and deeper with each passing moment, with each puff from my panties, and with each itch the diminishing powder left the little red brick road.

  “You’re a good dancer,” Atticus said above the music as he twirled his finger in the air to the beat of the music. He really was cute, I had to admit it.

  “You are too,” I complimented.

  “It’s foggy in here,” Atticus called out as he brushed the baby powder cloud out of our space.

  “Yeah, weird,” I laughed nervously, as I tried to avoid eye contact with everyone who thought I was smoking a plate of pork loins in my vagina.

  “Do you want to try a flip?” he asked, while shuffling his legs and twisting my hips by directing my arms.

  Did I want to try a flip? And risk all the baby powder gathered in my panties to fall directly on Atticus’ head, yeah, no way in hell.

  “Maybe not right now.” Not until I cleaned out my underpants.

  I chanced a glance at the bathroom and noticed the line was non-existent, so I would be able to take care of my private lady puffs that kept floating out from me, but my only concern was, if I told Atticus I had to go to the bathroom again, he might think I was having some kind of bowel movement issue, or that I was a coke addict needing to get my fix. Both options were not flattering, so I tried for option number three, female telepathy.

  While dancing, I tried getting Jenny’s attention to see if she could sense my distress, but for the first time since I’d been out on the dance floor, Jenny had vanished, probably to make out with Drew. They were known for heavy petting in public; I was just grateful they stepped aside this go around instead of doing it right in front of everyone.

  “Where did you learn to dance?” Atticus asked, as he spun me out wide and then back into him again. The minute my body connected with his, a puff of baby powder sprayed up between us, like the damn tide of an ocean, but instead of water, it was my—I hate to say it, but—it was my pussy powder.

  “College,” I answered, trying to play it cool, even though I could feel sweat start to trickle down my back from embarrassment.

  “I wonder if people are smoking in here,” Atticus said, as he surveyed the room. “Wow, we must be good partners, everyone seems to be watching us.”

  “Well, you’re good at leading,” I complimented, even though I wanted to tell him, “No, Atticus, it’s your partner’s panty pollution that’s affecting the air.”

  I continued to fill the air with every move I made, and it got to the point where I g
rew almost too stiff to move, and Atticus noticed.

  “Is something wrong?”

  Needing to take care of the situation, I said, “Don’t think I’m a drug addict or anything, but I have to go to the bathroom again; the line was long last time and I really didn’t get to go. I swear, I’m not doing drugs or anything, since it looks like it, given the fact that I have to go to the bathroom again.”

  I was rambling, and by the look on Atticus’ face, I wasn’t doing a good job, because I could see in his eyes, the “whoa, this girl is showing her crazy” look.

  “Sure, I’ll meet you back at the booth.”

  Defeated but determined, I took off for the bathroom and quickly locked myself in the stall. I pulled down my underpants, took them off completely and dumped all of the baby powder that I so stupidly accumulated in there and put it down the toilet. Powder flew everywhere, making me sneeze uncontrollably.

  After I controlled myself, I wiped my nose with my hand and then took some toilet paper to my lady parts to get rid of any excess; I would just have to be an itchy beast. Better itchy than smoking vagina girl. I put my panties back on and flushed. I washed my hands as quickly as possible and practically ran back to the booth where Jenny, Drew and Atticus were waiting for me.

  “Sorry about that,” I sniffed, as I felt some powder still linger from my sneeze attack.

  “What’s under your nose?” Jenny asked, looking at me funny.

  “What do you mean?” I asked, wiping my nose, feeling self-conscious in front of my date.

  “It’s white.”

  Atticus’ eyes shot open as I wiped away the evidence.

  “Not sure, is it gone?”

  “Yeah…” Jenny drawled out, as they all stared at me.

  I fidgeted in my stance, trying to contain the itch that started to develop down below. I knew I looked crazy as my legs spasmed about, trying to casually rub together to relieve the prickling down below.

  “Umm, it’s getting late,” Atticus said, while looking at his watch. “I should be going.”

  He got up and waved bye to Jenny and Drew. He took one look at me and shook his head as he started to walk away.

  I was so confused as to why he was leaving so abruptly, and then it hit me. The white substance under my nose, the erratic leg movements, the bathroom trips…holy shit, he thought I was high.

  “Atticus, wait,” I called out, as I grabbed his shoulder and turned him around. “I can explain.”

  “Rosie, I like you, but I’m not someone who can be strong enough to deal with an addiction.”

  “That’s what I can explain,” I pressed my hands to my eyes and grimaced. “It’s baby powder. I was…umm, chafing before I came, so I decided to use some baby powder to help. I apparently used too much, and that’s what all the fog was around us, the baby powder kicking up. I went back to the bathroom to relieve some of it from its duties.

  Mortified was the only way to describe the way I was feeling, but I liked him and I didn’t want him to just leave without explanation, especially since he thought I was some kind of druggie. So, I put on my big girl pants and explained everything; I only hoped he didn’t judge me.

  “Baby powder?” he asked, eyeing me suspiciously.

  “Yes,” I pulled the little bottle out of my clutch and showed him. “See?”

  He nodded his head as he looked at it.

  “You can smell it, if you don’t believe me.”

  “I believe you,” he said, his voice softening a little.

  We stood there in silence for a second before I said, “I just have to tell you this is probably the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me.” Besides getting a vibrator stuck in my vag, but I wasn’t about to tell him that.

  He chuckled and said, “Well, it’s an interesting story, that’s for sure. How about we start over, get back out on the dance floor?”

  “I would love that,” I said, as I shifted my legs together, trying to ease the itch.

  Damn you, Marta, damn you!

  Like a gentleman, Atticus led me out on the dance floor and started twisting me all over, but this time, I wasn’t steaming out my rear end. He smiled brightly at me while he snapped his fingers to the side and his feet floated seamlessly across the dance floor.

  He was adorable with every kick of his foot and twist of his arm, pulling me into his chest and then sugar-pushing me away. I snapped along with him and matched his moves step for step.

  When Jenny asked me to go swing dancing, I had no clue I was actually going to be set up with a good dance partner; I might even admit that he was better than Henry, who was standing to the side, hovering over his girl with the giant tatas while watching me with a careful eye. His date pulled at his shirt, but his gaze never truly lifted from me, so I smiled and waved to let him know that I was having a good time. He nodded, but that was it.

  “Who is that?” Atticus asked, as he pulled me in close and started twisting me with his body in short but quick movements.

  “My friend, Henry. He was actually my swing partner in college.”

  “Really? Is he jealous?” Atticus asked with a smile.

  “I don’t think so. He’s just protective, that’s all.”

  “Shall we show him he has nothing to worry about?” Atticus asked, while wiggling his eyebrows.

  “I think we shall,” I said, just as Atticus pushed me out and then pulled me back in, only to push me back out on the other side. I felt my feet fly across the ground as the music picked up and we switched from east coast swing to the classic Lindy Hop, my favorite.

  With every movement, I tried to rub my legs together, to relieve the itch that kept building up, but nothing was soothing the tickling between my legs; it was almost torturous because I was having such a fantastic time with Atticus, but I felt like I couldn’t truly enjoy it.

  I was twisting low with my arm out to my side, right when someone else grabbed my hand and pulled me into their chest, leading me up and down the dance floor.

  “Henry,” I said breathlessly, as he picked me up and tossed me over his back in one smooth motion, without missing a beat. “What are you doing?”

  “Having a little fun with my good time gal.”

  “I’m on a date,” I said, as I passed him and then flew right into Atticus’ grasp.

  He twirled me a couple of times and then started bouncing his feet and twirling around with me in circles while shifting our feet back and forth. He pushed me out and Henry grabbed my hand again.

  I looked over at Atticus, who was actually smiling, enjoying the back and forth.

  “Hold on, love,” Henry said, as he picked me up and tossed me in the air in a twist. I luckily landed on my feet and kicked my leg up to the beat. The minute my leg moved up, the itch that was eating away at me was slightly relieved from the friction of my leg against my panties.

  Sweet Jesus, it was a little relief, but relief at that.

  “Come here,” Atticus said, as he pulled me away and picked me up, drove me to the ground so I slid under his legs, turned around quickly and picked me back up. At this point, the crowd had formed a circle and was hooting and hollering with every move the boys made. I was just the pawn in their little game, and to say I was getting dizzy was an understatement. I flung my arms and legs about as I kept up with the fast-paced music, trying to concentrate on what was happening next.

  “Time for the grand finale, love,” Henry said, as he pulled me into his grasp and swung me around. He grabbed me by the waist, pulled me into him so my legs wrapped around his hips, and then he lifted me over his head and I flipped down his back, landing behind him just so he could pull me between his legs and shoot me back up in front of him. The crowd around us cheered and Henry spun me in circles while releasing my hand. I kicked my legs forward, not really paying attention to where I was going, relishing in the itch relief the movement provided for me, until my leg connected directly with something soft.

  I looked up to find Atticus lying on the gro
und, holding his crotch and grimacing in pain. I realized what I did, not from the poor man in front of me, crouching in a fetal position, but because of the crowd’s collective “oof” as they watched me kick my date dead on in the nuts.

  At that moment, I was pretty sure I would have taken the cocaine looking mishap over the fallen man in front of me.

  “Should have twisted instead of kicked,” Henry said next to me, as he stood with his hands on his hips while we both looked down at Atticus.

  “You think?” I said sarcastically, hating myself.

  June 5, 2014

  Note to self, excessive amounts of baby powder can lead to a smoking vaginator if not applied properly. Also, one swift kick to the balls can end a date in point two seconds. Next time, keep all extremities to self and avoid the family jewels at all times. Also, possibly invest in multiple sizes of cups to hand out to dates, just in case runaway legs get away from you again. Better safe than sorry, and boy, was I sorry.

  Chapter Seven

  The Magnificent Pencil Holder

  Embarrassment from last night kept me from rising early and working out like I normally did. Instead, I rested in my bed and stared up at my ceiling as Delaney’s kitchen singing floated under my door. It was waffle Saturday, and I could smell her homemade treats filter in to my bedroom, tempting me, but not enough for me to drag my sorry carcass out of bed.

  Last night was so perfect in the fact that Atticus was a brilliant dance partner and a real joy to be with. He was cute, sweet, and had some really good moves. He didn’t mind dancing, which was always a turn on, and the guy could smile to the point that I felt myself melting every time he cheesed it in my direction.

  I really thought we had something going for us, until my leg spasmed and connected directly with his unsuspecting crotch. I watched in distress as Drew helped Atticus off the ground and escorted him out of the club, while the poor guy crouched in a fetal position and shuffled away. I found out later that night from Jenny that Atticus lost his cookies outside of the club from the pain and was too embarrassed and in pain to come back in the club, and that was the end to my date.