Lacey Luzzi: Seasoned: A humorous, cozy mystery! (Lacey Luzzi Mafia Mysteries Book 7)

by Gina LaManna

  Voices erupted from the front seats, so I directed my gaze forward. Two men had climbed in the van, the driver big and bulky, with dark sunglasses and a cap. I couldn’t see the second figure’s face, but a swatch of fabric peeked around the edge of the passenger seat, giving away his presence. Neither was the same man who’d thrown me into the back of the van.

  “Who are you?” I asked, my voice cracking. “What do you want with me? Where is Lizabeth?”

  The driver’s hands tightened around the steering wheel, but his mouth didn’t move, and his eyes stared straight ahead. I wondered if he wasn’t a driver for hire, similar to Mack. If only I could catch a glimpse of the passenger. My gut told me that he was the golden ticket to this whole thing.

  Unlucky for me, I didn’t have to wait long.

  “Buongiorno, Lacey,” the voice said. It was a familiar voice. One that sent shivers down the backs of my arms and goosebumps up the fronts of my legs. “It’s been awhile, hasn’t it?”

  I stared ahead, waiting, watching for his face to appear. It didn’t.

  “What do you want with me?” I asked again. “Where is Lizabeth?”

  This time, the man turned around. Oleg.

  He craned his neck around the seat, giving me a pained look. “Don’t use that tone with me, Lacey. I don’t want to be here anymore than you do.”

  “Are you…are you back to working for him?” I couldn’t say the name of the slimy man who’d ruined both my birthday and my vacation. “After all we’ve done for you?”

  I’d had the un-pleasure of meeting Oleg back when he worked for a ghost of a man who went by the code name The Fish. The creep was a man born of pure evil, with a grudge against my grandfather. A grudge I couldn’t even begin to understand, not without Carlos’s help. And Carlos wasn’t talking when it came to The Fish.

  “No,” Oleg said, his gaze flicking towards my feet, before returning to my face. “I’m acting of my own accord.”

  “Why? Oleg, what’s going on? Are you in trouble?”

  “I’ve had enough.” Oleg’s hair, a bit too greasy, a bit too long, swung in front of his face. He pushed it away, his eyes blazing with an anger that hadn’t been there before, not when he’d put a bullet in Meg’s rear end. Not even when he’d been a prisoner at Carlos’s and Nora’s estate. This new Oleg scared me. He had the look of a man with nothing to lose, and that didn’t bode well for me.

  “What are you talking about?” I asked carefully. “Oleg, talk to me. I thought everything was going okay – you had a job, an apartment…then all of a sudden, you disappeared from the mechanic shop.”

  “Forty-two notches,” Oleg said. “Above that door in Nora’s home. You saw it, I know you did. Forty-two days I was a prisoner there.”

  “My grandmother treated you like a king,” I said. “She took better care of you than she takes of me. You could’ve been arrested for having all those guns, Oleg, and the real cops wouldn’t have been so kind to you.”

  Oleg’s eyes softened for a second. “I liked her. Still do. I don’t mean any harm or disrespect to her. Though her cooking does kinda suck.”

  “It really sucks.” I nodded, hoping to do some serious bonding over Nora’s terrible cooking. If I played my cards right, maybe my grandmother’s deadly cooking could save me after all. Stranger things had happened.

  “But she’s a nice, kind woman,” Oleg said, the fire returning to his eyes. “Unlike your grandfather. Unlike The Fish.”

  “What do my grandfather and The Fish have to do with anything?” I glanced out the tiny window near the top of the van, watching the scenery flash past, wondering if any of my friends were following.

  “Watching. They’re always watching, controlling, keeping tabs on me.” Oleg’s face contorted in discomfort. “Control freaks, both of them.”

  “You volunteered to work for The Fish, I thought. You had to know what you were getting into; it’s not like you applied for a 9-5 accounting gig.”

  “It’s not like I had a choice!” He shook his head. “I had to eat. Had to make some sort of a living.”

  “Anastasia and Horatio said they’d both tried to set you up with legitimate jobs over the years,” I said, remembering previous conversations with Oleg’s brother and his grandmother over a pot of bubbling sauce. “You said no to all of them.”

  “What sort of job am I supposed to get, huh? I don’t have a degree. I’m not smart,” Oleg said. “I’m no good at all with that thinking business, the stuff you and Horatio are good at.”

  “What are you talking about? I’m not good at any of it, either. I didn’t graduate from college. I failed at dancing on stage.” I shrugged. “It happens to the best of us. That doesn’t mean you have to kidnap people for a living.”

  “You work for the mob,” Oleg pointed out. “So I wouldn’t be talking.”

  “You bring up a valid point.” I paused. “But at least I’m not doing things with the intention of hurting people. And I’m trying to branch out. In fact, you’re ruining my first legitimate venture into the security business, thank you very much.”

  “It’s because of me you even have a job in the security business,” Oleg said, his eyebrows raised. “So, you’re welcome.”

  My heart nearly stopped. “What do you mean?”

  “I knew all about Miss Lizabeth the Ninety-Eighth and her dog, Pooptard, or whatever the heck their names are. I was there, Lacey. I went through the Haunted House on Halloween.” Oleg’s eyes burned holes in my head. “I walked right through that night, strolled past the room where I was held a prisoner. I touched those forty-two tally marks, the ones I dug into the doorframe with a pencil.”

  My heart pounded, my fists starting to sweat. He’d been in our house that night. “How did you get in?”

  “Costumes, Lacey. You invite a bunch of people wearing costumes into your home, and you just never know what sort of monsters you’ll end up with inside.” Oleg gave a small smile in my direction, one that didn’t reach his eyes. “I ate the food at that party, and I stood just behind your shoulder as Miss Lizabeth offered you a job. She seemed quite taken with you. Eager, even, to offer you a job. And suddenly, I knew what I had to do. I needed to give her a reason to hire you.”

  “You’re responsible for the threats.”

  “I’d been trying to get you away from the family for weeks. I did just as Carlos said. I worked my stupid little job, then I went to my stupid little apartment. I watched my stupid little television shows and ate those stupid little hot pockets because I knew you all were watching. You, Clay, Carlos, The Fish. I was just waiting – sitting and waiting for the first person who wanted to step in and bully me into taking a new job.”

  “You could have said no.”

  “You don’t say no to people like Carlos and The Fish.” Oleg looked at me with eerie clarity. I knew just what he meant. In fact, I’d said the same thing myself. “So I was a captive in my own home, just sitting there waiting for one of ’em to get it over with, come force me into the next job.”

  I swallowed, feeling a surprising thread of sympathy worm its way into my veins.

  “I never knew when it’d happen. Maybe Carlos would drop by when I was in the shower, or The Fish would climb through my window while I was sleeping. Maybe Clay was listening to every time I dropped a deuce in the toilet. Do you know what that does to a person’s mind? Have you ever had your privacy invaded so thoroughly that strangers know the colors of your boogers?”

  In a weird, twisted sort of way, I felt sorry for him. No, that didn’t make it right for him to kidnap me, but still. One step down a twisty path could lead to a downward spiral fast. I should know.

  “Oleg, you don’t have to do this,” I said. “This isn’t your only option, and you’re just making things worse.”

  “It is my only option. I want out, Lacey. Out, do you understand?”

  “How is threatening Lizabeth and her dog going to get you out?”

  “It’s you. You’re my golden ticket
, Lacey.” Oleg looked conflicted at the thought. “Once your cousin and your grandfather work to get me a secret identity and give me, let’s say, fifty thousand dollars, I’ll leave you be. That’s enough for me to run away, to start a new life in privacy. I promise I’ll return you to your family. I’m not intending to hurt you.”

  I groaned. “So I’m your hostage, at the moment?”

  “Hostage, blackmail, call it what you want. I want a new identity where nobody can find me. I know your family can make me disappear from this earth faster than anyone else. I just need some money to get me started. Then, I want to disappear forever, go to Costa Rica or Malta or something exotic like the Bermuda Triangle, and get away from it all.” Oleg shook his head. “I don’t want to hurt anyone. Never did. I just want my life back. Scratch that, a new life. Not mine. Mine sucks.”

  I frowned. “So you’re telling me Lizabeth isn’t in any danger whatsoever?”

  He shook his head. “Well, not from me. I can’t speak for everyone else in this world. I considered nabbing you on Halloween – that was the original plan, in fact. It would’ve left her out of things entirely. But you never left your boyfriend’s side. And if not Anthony, then you were always with Carlos, or Meg, or even Lizabeth. You’re impossible to get alone. I even followed you to Meg’s bar that one night you stalked me at the mechanic shop, and she shot at me.”

  “That was you?” I blinked. “You made her ruin a perfectly good garbage bin.”

  “Then to keep things fair, I’ll give you twenty bucks back from the fifty thousand your grandfather owes me. Buy her a new trash can, and we’ll call it even.”

  “Technically my grandfather doesn’t owe you money.”

  “Technically, he does…if you want to be returned safely. So just take out twenty bucks from my fifty grand, and stop talking. So that makes the total ransom amount forty-eight thousand…er, no, that’s not right.” Oleg swallowed. “Forty-nine thousand and eight hundred and…er, no. Whatever fifty thousand minus twenty dollars is equal to.”

  “Math. What a bummer, am I right?”

  Oleg flashed the faintest of smiles. “You know, Lacey, maybe we’re more similar than I thought.”

  “No, not really.”

  “See, I thought I could grab you when you came to the mechanic shop, that’s why I disappeared that day, but no…Anthony was always there, right around the corner, watching, waiting.” Oleg smiled. “You are more like me than you know, eh? Always watched.”

  I shifted. “I’m watched because people care about me. Not because they don’t trust me.”

  “Tell yourself what you like.” Oleg gave a one-shoulder shrug. “Doesn’t matter to me, I’m getting out of this place. My plan finally worked. When Lizabeth offered you a job in security, it was obvious. All I needed to do was give her a reason to need additional security.”

  I looked down. “I still can’t believe you used Lizabeth to get at me. You brought a seventy-something-year-old woman into your mess to get at me?”

  Oleg cleared his throat. “She’s a tough old hag. She didn’t call you until I mentioned the stupid dog.”

  “That first night we arrived, when we had to get away quick in the car,” I said. “That was you following us?”

  Oleg rolled his eyes. “Who would’ve thought she hired the most famous stunt driver in Hollywood to transport you from the airport? I couldn’t believe it when I saw him. Frankly though, we all would’ve been better off if they’d just let me get you that first night.”

  “How do you figure?”

  “I wouldn’t have had to ruin Pomper’s—”

  “Poopsie’s—”

  “Premier tonight,” he continued. “Now everyone will be worried about you instead of enjoying the event.”

  I had no desire to keep talking with Oleg, but since there was still no sign of Anthony, I figured it was my best option, all things considered. “Okay, well let’s say this all works out, and my family agrees to get you an identity and give you a ticket out of here. How do you know that people won’t come after you? Either us or The Fish?”

  “I’m going to hide well enough so that nobody can find me.”

  “Fine. Then how do we know you’re not getting ready to go back to work for The Fish at this very moment?” I paused. “In fact, how do we know you’re not already working for him?”

  “If I wanted to work for him, I’d already be doing it. I could’ve gone right back to him the day I got out of the Luzzi hotel-prison.” Oleg bit his lip. “And he could’ve protected me, helped me disappear for a fee. But that would’ve come at too high a cost for me to bear.”

  I glanced down, crossing my arms and falling silent. As much as I didn’t want Oleg to get bored, I was running out of questions. “You’re really ruining my dress this evening. Couldn’t you have let me change into some shorts before you threw me into the back of a van?”

  “I don’t know what you mean. I helped you accessorize.”

  I scrunched up my face in confusion. “No, Bart helped me accessorize.”

  Oleg’s eyes flicked to my wrist. “You are welcome for the bracelet.”

  “This is from Anthony.”

  “You’re so naive. And optimistic.” Oleg gave a wry laugh. “You make my job almost easy.”

  “This is from you?” I clawed at the chain around my wrist, and when I couldn’t unhook it, I ripped it off. “No, it can’t be. This is from Anthony.”

  “You’re funny.” Oleg didn’t laugh. “Most people see an unmarked package outside of their door, and their first thought is bomb. You see an unmarked package and think present!”

  “But Anthony…” I trailed off, running through my memories.

  He’d never explicitly mentioned anything about the bracelet, even though I’d been wearing it today. Surely, he would’ve glanced at it, commented about how it looked on my person. And in the whirlwind that was the past twelve hours, I’d forgotten to thank him. Now that I thought about it, every time he mentioned his gift, he must have meant the gingerbread house.

  “How do you think my team and I knew you went back to the theater yesterday afternoon?” Oleg glanced back, his eyes catching a glimpse of the broken bracelet in my palm. “It wasn’t a coincidence we had a man waiting there for you when you went back. In fact, it would’ve worked out so well if Meg had just let the man finish his job.”

  “Well, she didn’t.” I took no small satisfaction that my best friend had ruined one of Oleg’s plans.

  “I have to admit, you might be naive, but you’ve got a bit of luck on your side.”

  “It’s not luck, it’s skill.”

  “You call exploding a toilet, a skill? My, oh, my, Anthony is a lucky guy.” Oleg winked.

  I turned a furious red. “I didn’t do it. But Meg can explode a toilet like nobody else.”

  At this, the driver’s eyebrows shot up, and I could’ve sworn he murmured something along the lines of “talented lady.”

  “And these goons?” I waved at the driver. “You hired them?”

  The driver’s eyebrows turned frowny, as he muttered something like “not a goon.”

  “I have friends, too.” Oleg crossed his arms. “You’re not the only person who knows people.”

  “No kidding. I’d never have guessed.” I resisted an eye roll. “Everyone knows someone, Oleg. That doesn’t mean I pay random people and call them my friends.”

  “Enough of this nonsense. Here’s what we’re gonna do,” Oleg said. “First order of business, stop talking. Got it?”

  I nodded.

  “I can’t hear you.”

  “That’s because I’m not talking,” I gave a disbelieving tilt of my head. “I’m following your instructions.”

  “Stop talking.”

  “You’re really confusing.” I pressed my back against the rear doors, testing to see how tightly they were locked. Unfortunately, they didn’t budge. “Do you want me to talk or not?”

  “No!”

  “Fine.”


  “Stop it.”

  I sealed my lips tightly together.

  Oleg waited a moment, then eventually decided I was listening. “Next, I’m gonna take you back to where I’m staying. Your boyfriend’s not following us, so it’s best if you just give up any hope of getting rescued now.”

  I shrugged, still not sure if I should talk or not.

  “Once we get to the house, you’ll call Carlos from a burner phone, and put in my requests. Fifty thousand dollars and multiple fake IDs,” Oleg said. “That, and the promise not to bother me once I get out of the country.”

  “But if he issues you the fake ID, he’ll know your name,” I said.

  “I plan on buying a new one with the money, once I’m out of the country.” Oleg bit his lip. “In fact, I don’t have to explain myself. I told you the requirements, and that’s it. You let me worry about the rest.”

  “Fine.”

  “Fine?”

  “Fine,” I said. “I just hope Carlos is in a good mood today, and likes me. If he’s in the Christmas spirit, maybe he’ll even pay it without too much grumbling. But there are still some days when I don’t think he’d be all that sad to see me go.”

  “He’ll pay for you.”

  I bit my lip. “Hope so.”

  There was a long, awkward pause. Then, seemingly surprised by his own plan, Oleg bobbed his shoulders up and down. “So…I guess that’s it.”

  “Carlos won’t be happy.”

  Oleg’s cheek twitched. “I never wanted to hurt you, or even inconvenience you. Really, I have nothing against you, or the Luzzis in general. Nora took good care of me when I was under her roof, and I’ll return the favor to you during your stay in my home. I just want my life back.”

  The wistful hope in his voice gave me pause. I didn’t necessarily sympathize, but I could understand. “Well, for your sake, I hope it all works out.”

  “Me too.” Oleg paused, then continued speaking, as if needing to justify his decision. “It’s The Fish. If he weren’t involved, I would’ve just vanished on my own. I trust your family to leave me alone if I behave, but not him.”

  “Maybe you shouldn’t have gotten involved with that man in the first place,” I suggested. “You should’ve listened to Anastasia and Horatio.”