Lacey Luzzi: Seasoned: A humorous, cozy mystery! (Lacey Luzzi Mafia Mysteries Book 7)

by Gina LaManna

  “You can go with him, if you want.” Anthony leaned over, his hand clasped tightly in mine. “I can let you go for two seconds, I think. I’ll do my best to handle it.” He winked. “Plus, my hand is getting sweaty.”

  “But I don’t want to go,” I faux-pouted. “I want to stay.”

  “Lacey, go on. Clay seems like he’s about to pop a blood vessel in his eye. Either that or he’s trying to shoot darts at you with his contacts, and it’s not working.”

  I sighed. Anthony and I hadn’t mentioned the whole L-word thing since I’d told him to shut up. But at least I’d been allowed to stay with him all through the night, even if it meant turning myself into a toothpick so I could lie next to him on the tiny little bed. Which was not really my style. I preferred the style of a marshmallow after thirty seconds in the microwave; I liked to spread out across all the space.

  “Here you are, sir,” Harold said, striding into the dining room. He approached Anthony, holding a tray with a towel and a cold compress. “It’s time to ice again.”

  Lizabeth and Poopsie had decided to remain in Hollywood for Christmas, despite the invitation to join our family’s celebrations. She’d had other business to attend to, though she promised to visit soon. A promise she made with a wink in Harold’s direction, as he’d boarded the jet with the rest of us.

  I’d offered to return all of Lizabeth’s money, plus extra to cover the costs we’d accrued. It only seemed fair, seeing how the situation had turned out not to be a threat directed at her in the first place, but a lure to get me away from the safety of the Luzzi Estate. Not only had she fiercely declined, but she’d asked if I’d be open to future work. To which I’d raised my eyebrows and said I’d have to discuss it with my new business partner, Anthony.

  Harold applied the ice pack to Anthony’s shoulder who, true to form, didn’t even wince. I pushed a cup of hot cider towards him, which he also ignored, instead resting his free arm across my shoulder and grinning in my direction.

  “Harold, did you bring those Christmas cookies to Oleg?” Nora asked. She’d flown back with us from LA, gossiping the entire trip with Meg about their plan to become rock stars and return to Hollywood. “I made his extra crispy, just the way he likes ’em.”

  “Speaking of, what do you plan on doing with that man?” Carlos asked. He’d allowed me to board Oleg at Hotel Luzzi for a small fee. I suspected he might be a little jealous I’d taken work outside the Family. Luckily, the earnings from Lizabeth more than covered Carlos’s rates.

  “I have someone coming to talk to him,” I said, keeping my answer vague on purpose. “Probably next week sometime. And then we can decide what to do with him.”

  My father had disappeared before Nora and Clay had seen him in LA. The rest of us had agreed to keep things quiet for a few days, just until we could process everything. And then we’d tell the rest of the family. I only wanted the opportunity to talk to my dad first, alone. And not under duress. I’d rather my dad not be pointing a gun at my head. Or shooting my boyfriend. Or flying through the Hollywood Hills. Maybe we could do a coffee date, or brunch. Something normal.

  “And how long is he going to be out sick?” Carlos nodded at Anthony. The upside of working for a family like mine was that they didn’t ask too many questions. Even about things like bullet holes.

  “I’m ready now, sir,” Anthony said. “I’m feeling better.”

  “One week,” I said. “At least give him a week.”

  “Lacey, Nora is about to start the toasts,” Clay said, walking over and gripping my shoulders with his hands. He bent down, hissing in my ear. “I have to talk to you before then. It’s important.”

  “You’ve got five minutes.” I stood up. “A second longer and I’m gonna start charging you.”

  Clay stomped out of the room, while I whispered to Anthony that’d I’d be right back, and please guard my eggnog. I ruffled his hair as I walked out of the room, feeling the absence of his hand in mine like a hole in my gut.

  I followed Clay out of the dining room, down a winding path towards the Great Hall. Christmas trees littered every corner, while nutcrackers and such sat high on shelves all around us. Light-up angels singing their praises balanced on windowsills, while so many mistletoe arrangements were tacked to the ceiling that Nora could start a booming greenhouse business.

  “Hi, Lacey,” I heard a familiar voice call my name, just as we rounded the bend to the Great Hall. “How are you?”

  “Horatio?” I pulled up short, crossing my arms. “What are you doing here?”

  “He’s here on my behalf,” Clay said. “Take a chill pill.”

  There was a long moment of awkward silence.

  “I hear my brother is on vacation with your family…again,” Horatio said, his gaze downcast. “I’m really sorry about that. I didn’t know, I promise you. I’d never do anything to jeopardize the safety of your family.”

  I crossed my arms.

  “You think I’m capable of that? I’d never!” Horatio recoiled. “You know I renounce everything my brother stands for, every one of his actions. Clay’s my best friend. I would never, ever do anything to ruin that.”

  I sighed. “I know, I believe you. But your brother is a real troublemaker.”

  “Clay said he wasn’t trying to hurt you.” Horatio still didn’t meet my gaze. “Not that it makes anything better, but…” He threw his hands up. “What can I do? My grandmother and I have tried everything. Nothing works. I know in my heart that he’s not a bad guy, he’s just made some choices that took him down a bad path. He’s misguided.”

  I remembered Oleg’s plea for help just then, the desperation in his eyes, the crack in his voice. His desire to get away from it all. An unexpected wave of sympathy washed over me. “I know. And I might have a solution for Oleg, but I can’t talk about it yet.”

  “Really?” Horatio raised his eyebrows. “That would be the best Christmas gift ever. I know he makes terrible choices most of the time, but he’s still my brother. I don’t know if that makes it right or not, but I can’t seem to cut him loose. To give up hope. He’s my brother.”

  I reached out a hand and gave Horatio’s shoulder a squeeze. “I understand. Sometimes you just have two bad options, and there’s nothing you can do except choose one of them.”

  “Sucks, right?” he murmured, finally meeting my line of sight. “Life is hard, sometimes.”

  “Yeah, I feel that way often.” I gave a smile. “Would you like to come have Christmas dinner with us? We never turn a friend away.”

  Horatio beamed. “I’d like that very much. But that’s actually not the reason I came here in the first place.”

  I slid my gaze to Clay. “Really? What is it, then?”

  Clay shifted from one foot to the other, his eyebrow twitching.

  “Are you okay?” I asked my cousin. “There’s a bathroom down the hall, if that would help things. You’ve got that look when you grab a magazine and disappear for thirty minutes goin’ on right now.”

  “I don’t have to go,” Clay said, his voice agitated. “You explain, Horatio.”

  “My Christmas present to Clay is ready.” Horatio’s voice squeaked with excitement. “It’s something we’ve been working on for ages together. You got a taste of it in Los Angeles, but this program is new and improved. It’s ready now. It’s perfect.”

  “The computer matchmaker thing?” I asked. “The one that matched Clay to Anthony?”

  “The one and only!” Horatio bounced with excitement. “Except I’ve fixed the rest of the bugs. Including the gender one. I have it all set up on my computer in the kitchen. Harold let me in to get set up for the demonstration.”

  “He did?” I scrunched my nose. “Usually he runs guests by Carlos first. No offense, but I don’t think Carlos would’ve let you in.”

  “Yeah, but I let Harold test out the software first.” Horatio leaned in, giving me a conspiratorial wink. “He wanted to find his perfect match. And I think he was happy with
the results.”

  “Let me guess,” I said. “Was it Lizabeth Harriet Morgan the Third?”

  “The one and only!” Horatio gave a fist pump. “Looks like old man Harold did a good job picking a partner for himself. You wanna try? See if you get Anthony?”

  I shook my head and pressed a hand to my chest. “I don’t need a computer to tell me something I already know in here.”

  “In your rib cage?” Clay asked.

  “My heart, Clay. The thing that beats. The thing that helps you love people.”

  “Has that been scientifically proven?” Clay raised his eyebrows. “Because the heart serves real, biological functions. I don’t know about that love business.”

  I rolled my eyes.

  “You guys, you guys, stop arguing.” Horatio grinned. “We’re all different. Maybe Lacey’s just more intuitive than us, Clay. We just need a little help from the computer.”

  Clay coughed, darting his gaze quickly to me before looking away. “I want to try it, Lacey. And I want you to be there.”

  I tilted my head to the side. “I’m really touched, Clay.”

  “Shall we?” Horatio nodded down the Hallway of Infamy. “Clay warned me I only had about three minutes before the toasts began.”

  I cast a glance behind me, feeling like this was something that could’ve waited until after Christmas dinner. But who was I kidding? Curiosity was my number one motivator. And where Clay’s love life was concerned, I was the nosiest of all. “Let’s go.”

  A quick trip down the hallway, a flip of the computer screen, and we were set. The three of us huddled around the picnic table in the kitchen, staring at Clay’s name, just above the Enter button.

  “Who’s gonna press it?” I asked.

  “Not me,” Horatio said.

  “Not me,” Clay said, his face contorted in a grimace. “Actually, maybe me.”

  “I can do it,” Horatio offered. “If that’d make it easier. Are you ready to find out your partner?”

  “Maybe I should click it.” Clay reached forward, his finger hovering over the button. At the last second, he pulled it back. “I can’t do it.”

  “I can.” Horatio leaned his hand forward. “Ready?”

  Clay slapped his hand away. “I should do it.”

  “Oh, for crying out loud!” I reached over both of them and hit Enter. “There. It’s done.”

  Clay let out a whimper, but didn’t argue. He was too busy fixating on the progress bar blinking sixty percent, then seventy, eighty, ninety-six percent complete…

  And then it paused. The progress bar had halted on ninety-six percent complete.

  “Did it freeze?” Clay asked.

  Horatio shrugged, leaning towards the screen. As if a closer view would help move the bar quicker. “Maybe the program timed out.”

  “What if I have no partner on this earth?” Clay wailed. “It’ll be me and Tupac the Cat forever. I’ll be the crazy cat lady.”

  Horatio and I both eyeballed Clay with a heavy dose of skepticism.

  “Er…I meant cat man,” Clay corrected, his cheeks blushing a cute pink. “This whole thing is stupid. Horatio, we’ve wasted so much time getting this thing to run, and now look.”

  “Actually, I think you might have the opposite problem.” Horatio gestured towards where the progress bar flashed, still at ninety-six percent. “It’s still working, Clay. Maybe you have so many suitors the test is clunking out. I only programmed it to accept ten entries into the final round. If you have more than ten people who’ve made it past all the layers up ’til now, maybe the program is crashing.”

  Clay blinked. “No, that can’t be true.”

  I gave my cousin a one-armed squeeze. “Why not? Cheer up, buttercup. You’re a nice guy. You’re smart. You have an apartment almost all by yourself, and you can even keep a cat alive. I’d say you’re a winner.”

  “No.” Clay shook his head. “I don’t believe it. There’s no way…”

  I double-downed on the squeeze. “Of course there’s a way. Any girl would be lucky to have you. In fact, you should’ve asked me for ideas when programming this thing, I would’ve told you to leave the option open for hundreds of participants into the final round.”

  “Really?” Clay looked up at me, his eyes bright. “Do you mean that?”

  “Of course I mean it.”

  “But I’m not good at relationships.” Clay hugged himself, wrapping his arms around his chest. “I only had one, back in seventh grade. Well, it wasn’t a real relationship, since the girl cried in the bathroom all through third period after I asked to hold her hand.”

  My heart almost broke in half, seeing this often hidden side of Clay. I’d never wondered if the over-confident, uber-intelligent Clay suffered from the same self-doubt as everyone else. I’d always just assumed he thought everyone else was an annoyance. But I’d been wrong. He’d just been scared.

  “Her loss, then,” Horatio said wisely. “Best you ripped that Band-Aid off right away.”

  Clay shook his head, looking as forlorn as a lost puppy. “We lasted as a couple from first period to third. I sent her a note asking her to be my girlfriend when the first bell rang. She sent me a note back that said yes. But after she started crying during third period, I found out the football team was just playing a joke on me. They’d intercepted the note and sent it back. She’d never even said yes at all.”

  Horatio frowned. “Well then, you weren’t really even in a relationship. Good thing, because she doesn’t sound like a keeper.”

  I fumed. Really, seriously fumed on the inside. When I spoke, I tried to keep my voice level, but there was a slight shake from my anger. “Do you remember any names of these football players? Might be fun to see what they’re up to now.”

  “Retaliation?” Horatio raised his eyebrows. “I’m in.”

  “I don’t want retaliation,” Clay said, his shoulders slumping. “I just want to find someone who likes me as a person. I’m no good at dressing up or being suave or any of that crap. It’s hopeless.”

  If anything, Clay’s forgiveness of the football players made my urge for revenge burn even brighter. “Are you sure you don’t have any names for me?”

  Clay pursed his lips, giving me a sideways glance. “None of them have any money to steal, I already checked.”

  I laughed. “So you have been keeping tabs on them.”

  “Just a little.” Clay gave a small smile. “Sometimes it makes me feel a little better. At least I have a nice family, and my beer belly isn’t as big as theirs.”

  “Good attitude.” I patted Clay on the back. “And I agree with Horatio. You don’t need a stupid computer program to tell you what I already knew in here.” I rested a hand on my chest again.

  “Your esophagus?” Horatio asked.

  “My heart! People, my heart!” I looked at the ceiling, praying for patience. “You’ll find your match, Clay. I promise.”

  But Clay didn’t have a response for me. Unless you counted his mouth opening and closing like a fish gasping for water. “L-l-loo—” He breathed. “Look.”

  I glanced towards the progress bar, expecting to see it bumped up to ninety-eight. However, there was no progress bar at all. Instead, there was a picture. And this time, the photo featured a female. A real, live woman.

  Someone I knew.

  Someone sitting just down the hall.

  Someone who went by the name of Meg.

  CHAPTER 33

  “Well,” I hesitated, looking at Clay’s gobsmacked expression. I gave a feeble shrug. “At least you got a girl, this time. A live one, too. No offense to Veronica-the-dummy.”

  Horatio looked offended. “Veronica’s a dummy?”

  “A mannequin,” I clarified. “Clay’s friend. He needed her for bra measurements.”

  “I don’t want to know more.” Horatio raised a hand. “Clay’s breasts are his personal business.”

  Clay turned to me. “Meg?”

  “The one and only.” I dou
ble checked the screen. “Yep! See all those earrings? That smile? That middle finger pointed at the camera? It’s her.”

  “But what do I do?” Clay whispered. “I’m not ready to handle this. I shouldn’t have done it. I’ve ruined everything. I-I’m unprepared for my match.”

  “Clay.” I set a hand on his shoulder. “Relax. This is just a computer program. She doesn’t know a thing about it. If you want to talk to her about it, fine. But I have a better idea.”

  “You have an idea?” Clay asked, his voice dazed.

  “I do, as a matter of fact.” I patted him on the head. “Don’t tell her about this incident at all. Just leave it be. And if someday down the line you feel the urge, you can ask her out then. She doesn’t even have to know about this.”

  “But what should I tell her?” Clay asked. “If I get the urge?”

  “Just say, ‘Hey Meg, wanna get a drink sometime?’ I guarantee she’ll say yes.” I smiled. “I promise you she’ll say yes.”

  “It’s that easy?”

  “It’s that easy.”

  “Dang, why haven’t I tried that?” Horatio asked. “You think she’d say yes to me?”

  “Don’t try it, buster,” I said, purposely ignoring the question. I had no doubt Meg would probably say yes, since she was on the market. Which made it all the more important for me to squash Horatio’s hopes before he could even think about asking. “Clay gets first dibs on her, you hear me?”

  “I’m giving you a week.” Horatio sniffed. “If you don’t do anything about it, I’m asking her out.”

  “Yeah, yeah.” Clay didn’t even look at Horatio, and I suspected most of the words were going straight in one ear and straight out the other. “Lacey, I have one more question.”

  “Shoot,” I said. “But to give you fair warning, I’m not a relationship expert.”