Choices

by Annie Brewer

  “How are you feeling?” Physically? Never better. Emotionally? Like I could fly.

  I smile and take his hand, placing it over my racing heart. “This is my answer. Right here.” I put my other hand over mine and his and I could still feel the rapid beating he causes. “You make my heart race and pulse speed up, with just a simple word or the sound of your voice.” I take a deep breath, trying to gather my wit to confess my feelings. “After watching you with Tyler tonight and after all you’ve done, just being there for me through a lot of my crazy life in just a short time, you’ve managed to steal my heart. I’ve fallen deeply and madly in love with you. I didn’t anticipate any of that at all, not for a long time with anyone. But with you, I love being with you. I love holding your hand. I love the way you look at me and see me. I just love you.” My eyes well up, and with his free hand, he wipes the tears away with his thumb as he moves closer, mere inches from my face. I can smell his minty male scent as I breathe it in allowing it to take over my senses. My heart becomes erratic under our still placed hands and my body feels like a burning flame of passion and desire.

  “I love you Gracie.” He whispers so softly that if I hadn’t seen his lips move I would have mistaken it for the wind. My eyes are wide at his confession.

  “What did you say?”

  “I said I love you. I have for a while now and I can’t imagine not being with you. Just know I am not going anywhere. I will never break your heart or make you do things you’re not ready for. If you ever feel pressured by me, please tell me. It may be subconsciously happening, but I will never intentionally hurt you in anyway. I love you and it’s a love that cannot be measured.” More tears fall. I peer into his ocean blue depths and see right into his soul the sincerity.

  I grab him urgently, showing him the intensity of my love. My lips find his, eager and wanting so badly to taste him, he reciprocates just as anxious. Placing his hands on either side of my head, he leans into my body trapping me. But it feels good, so I don’t move. My fingers glide through his thick dark hair. A moan escapes his throat and I smile against his lips, enjoying the way I make him feel.

  I close my eyes when he kisses my neck and then lean to the side for better access which he takes it. I guide my hands up and down his broad, tanned chest. He pulls back suddenly. I open my eyes, trying to slow my racing heart and understand why he has stopped. Panic sets in, reminding me of my favorite movie “The Ugly Truth” when Katherine Heigel states how men are afraid and when things get a little intense they run away. There is truth in that statement. I only hope it’s in not true tonight. Carter shoots me a bemused look.

  “What are you thinking?” I purse my lips together for a minute.

  “Why did you stop?” He leans into me again, teasing me. I pull him to me but he doesn’t budge, grinning widely. I look away, hurt.

  Just when I think the moment’s gone, he grabs my face and crunches our mouths together. Parting my lips, his tongue slips in taking dominance in my mouth. We taste each other a few seconds more, leaving me weak in the knees. As his tongue exits my mouth, he playfully bites my bottom lip, watching for my reaction. It’s a surprised one at first, but I soon relax, holding our entangled hands clutched to my chest.

  “Hey. I need to get home. You need some rest.” I start to pout but immediately dismiss my disappointment knowing he’s right. I think we’ve both had enough excitement for one night. So I just smile assuring.

  “Thanks for coming tonight.” I lean into him once more.

  “I wouldn’t have missed it for the world. But you know you’re going to have to share some of that candy with me, don’t you?” I laugh, leaning back against his truck. He wraps his arms around me tightly. I fall into his embrace, laying my head on his chest, listening to his now racing heartbeat.

  “You need your rest. I think your heart rate was up pretty high. You should really monitor that problem.” He winks at me and gets in his truck. I just give him a menacing look, shaking my head.

  “Yeah, I should. I guess kissing and all other stuff is off limits then.” He thinks about it for a minute and shakes his firmly.

  “That’s not going to happen. We’ll just have to come up with another solution then.” I lean into his passenger window as he leans over the center console giving me one last kiss. “Good night Gracie. Sweet dreams.”

  “Good night.” I watch him drive away when I feel it. A flutter in my belly unlike any I’ve ever felt before. I place both of my hands atop and push gently when I feel another-kick. Is that what it feels like? It could be my imagination or wanting instead of it being. But I just go with the initial thought because it’s more fun that way. I laugh and smile at the sensation, realizing it’s the first time I felt my baby move. Part of me believes it’s because of Carter. That thought makes me smile. I’m a dreamer, what can I say.

  You like Carter too, do you? I stay outside, allowing the breeze to soak up my happiness.

  Holidays were the most fun times for me growing up. I always enjoyed Halloween. I went to haunted houses every year with my friends. We would watch scary movies cuddled up on the couch, even against my will. Meg would join us and I’d hide behind her and make her watch the scary parts. It was a tradition in the Jordan household. This year was different and I was more than okay with it. I’ve got make new traditions now, right?

  With a smile on my face, I took out my journal and began writing.

  Dear Journal,

  I know it’s been awhile since my last entry. So much has happened. I went on a first date with Carter; I passed out at work and woke up in the hospital, took my brother trick or treating and start dating Carter. The biggest thing was the heartbeat of the baby I got to hear. It was amazing. At first, we heard nothing and then...boom boom boom. Strong and steady and beautiful. My heart soared with emotions. My mom of course cried with joy. I haven’t been back to work yet. I really want to go back but my parents and Carter are keeping me prisoner. I am just glad Carter finally knows of my pregnancy and even better, he doesn’t care. He loves me and my heart is so happy. I could go on and on about this but it’s Thanksgiving and must help my mom with dinner before Grammy comes over. One more month and I will find out the sex of the baby. Until then.

  Gracie

  “Sweetie?” My mom peeks into my room. I put my journal away and stand up.

  “Hey.” She walks in and sits on the bed, patting the space next to her, so I follow her. “Grammy is coming soon. She doesn’t know about you yet. She’s been away on cruises the last couple of months with Aunt Linda. So I haven’t had a chance to tell her. And besides that, this is your news to share. Would you like to help me get dinner started?” I nod, already planning on it. I love having my Grammy over for dinner. She lives in El Paso which is a few hours away. Ever since my Pappy died two years ago of a stroke, she’s been alone. But she goes on cruises and visits the rest of the family all over town and in New York, California, Minnesota, Colorado, Florida and Washington. We’re all over the US. One thing about Thanksgiving at our house is that most of the family come down to Dallas for a few days to spend the holidays while my mother and I do all the cooking and entertaining. This year, just my Grammy will be here. Meg and Mason spend it with us too part of the time. I have a feeling Meg and Mason will have their own tradition this year. So much is changing and I am not sure how I feel about it. My phone starts ringing on my bedside table. I lean across the bed and smile when I see the name on the screen before I open it.

  “Gracie’s phone.” I say in my most seductive voice I can pull off.

  “I’m looking for my hot girlfriend. I think her name is Gracie. Is she available?” He plays along. I bite my bottom lip to stifle a laugh.

  “That depends, I need the password.” He thinks about it for a few seconds before saying, “I love you?”

  “Is that a question?” I tease.

  “Ha ha. No. I do love you Gracie. But seriously, you need to talk to me in that sexy voice more often. I bet you, it will get
you your way a lot.”

  “I’m glad you like. And I love you too cheeseball. What are you doing?”

  “I’m going to my sister’s house for a little while. But I will be over in a couple of hours. Is that okay? Wait, did you just call me cheeseball?”

  “Took you a minute to catch that.”

  “I’m slow. Is it okay though or do you want me to pick you up?”

  “I can’t. I’m helping my mom make dinner. My grandmother is coming over today. You’ll get to meet her.” My mom leaves the room quietly, giving me privacy.

  “Okay that’s great. I can’t wait babe. I’ll see you soon. I love you beautiful.” His voice is so deep and hypnotizing I could fall under his spell.

  “I love you too hot stuff. Have fun.” We hang up.

  I head down stairs to wash my hands before getting started with dinner. Tyler sets up the dining room table with plates and silverware then goes back to play his games until dinner is ready. I take out the butter, milk and pepper for the mashed potatoes once I finish peeling them and boil them in water. I make a pot of coffee for my Grammy, the coffee fiend. Mom and I cook dinner in silence, which feels a little awkward because I know she has something to say but won’t say it.

  “You and Carter have gotten really close, huh.” She remarks, as she’s heating up yams and the stuffing. I hate stuffing but I eat it anyway to appease her. I mean, it’s once a year that I give in I can deal.

  “Yeah, he’s really amazing. I’ve fallen in love with him.” I’m smiling as I drain the potatoes and when I turn to catch my mother’s expression, my smile falters.

  “What? Why are you looking at me like that?” I pour in the milk, butter and a dab of pepper, avoiding her gaze. She turns her body to face me and leans against the sink, crossing her arms.

  “Did you hear what you just said?” I raise my eyebrows in speculation.

  “Yes, I said I’ve fallen in love with Carter and he with me. What’s your problem?”

  “You do realize you’re bearing someone else’s baby right?” I gape at her and cock my head to the side in confusion.

  “I am? When did this happen?” I look away shaking my head.

  “Very funny Gracie. I don’t think you get it though. You were just talking about how you didn’t want to get involved with anyone after Nick left you and now you used the four letter word as if it was the most natural thing. I think it’s too soon to be honest.” I hold my hand up and she stops talking.

  “I get it mom, I do. Believe me I didn’t plan for this to happen. I didn’t want to get involved and that was the last thing I expected. But something changed. When I’m with Carter, I feel loved and cared about and beautiful. He sees me, mom. Me. Not some poor little knocked up high school girl, but the girl inside of all that.” She steps beside me and gently runs her finger through my hair, tucking a strand behind my ear.

  “Sweetheart, you were just in love with Nick, carrying his baby and now you’re dragging Carter into this too. Do you think that’s fair? What would Nick say about it?” I’m taken aback by her unexpected interrogation and a little hurt.

  “I don’t know what Nick would say about it and quite frankly, I don’t care. He left me, didn’t he? He’ll be off at college and living his own life. Am I supposed to just sit here and be alone for the rest of my life? I mean, sure if he didn’t want to be a part of it, he wouldn’t. But he wants to. I gave him a choice mom. I told him to leave. I gave him a way out.”

  “You’re in a vulnerable state right now. I’m just watching out for you. I couldn’t stand to see your heart broken again. I mean Nick did just leave and Carter happened to be there to pick up the pieces but how much do you really know him?” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing and I’d had enough of it. I set the pot of potatoes on the stove and placed the lid on top to keep it warm. I throw open the fridge door, putting the milk and butter back and slammed it shut.

  “You think I’m using Carter as a means of coping from being dumped? You think my feelings for him are insincere or vice versa? Really mom?” I’m shouting as tears reach my eyes.

  “I’m not saying that exactly but look at the picture from a different angle.” The stuffing and green beans are done and I set them aside then finish the yams.

  “Mom, I want to have a good dinner with Grammy. And Carter will be here as well, so I’d appreciate a little courtesy for him and keep your ridiculous notions to yourself please. Don’t mess this night up for me please.”

  “What are you doing with him? Where is he going to fit into this scenario once the baby is born?” My eyes begin to gloss over and I look away, swiping at my tears furiously. I don’t need this now, not from my mother of all people.

  “I don’t have the answers right now mom. All I know is he makes me happy. Why are you trying to ruin it?” She turns me around to face her, I see sincere in her eyes.

  “I’m not trying to ruin it honey. I just don’t want to see you get hurt again. I am trying to make you see my side.”

  “Hello, guess who’s here.” I run through the kitchen into the living room and greet my Grammy. She’s a short lady with glasses and white blonde hair but she looks like she hasn’t aged a day over forty. Her skin is silky smooth and an olive shade. Her eyes show years of wisdom but a mix of blue and gray. She’s wearing jeans with a solid black shirt and tennis shoes. I run into her open arms and hug her tight. “I’ve missed you Grammy.”

  “Time to eat. Mom, you made it. How was the drive?” She hugs Grammy when she enters. They put her stuff in the living room for the time being and we enter the dining room. “Tyler, come down for dinner honey.” My mother calls from the bottom of the stairs.

  We eat dinner in silence, except the sound of silverware clanking against the dishes. My mind is in a frenzy. What if my mother is right about bringing Carter into this mess? He seemed okay with it, but am I just being selfish wanting him close? I don’t know what will happen after I have the baby-where Nick will be, Carter will be, what will become of me? Will I be a good mother? Will I be able to give this baby everything it needs? The future is uncertain and that sucks. I need answers. I suddenly have lost my appetite. I feel my mother’s gentile hand on top of mine. I look at her hand, and then up into her hazel eyes. She smiles.

  “I’m sorry for worrying you. I just want you to be careful. A heart is fragile thing and when it’s been broken once, it takes time to repair.” She whispers and I nod.

  I lean in and whisper to her in a calm tone of voice. “I know this, but mom I’m happier with Carter than I ever was with Nick. He worries more about himself than anyone else. He left me. What am I supposed to do? I can’t just wait around for him forever. We aren’t meant to be. He is still the father and if he wants to be in this baby’s life, fine. But we are done.” I move my hand from under hers and take my plate to the sink to rinse out.

  “What’s going on?” I hear Grammy asking my mother. She walks into the kitchen and leans over the kitchen island, her long nails painted red. It makes her tanned fingers really stand out. It is a good color for her. “What’s going on Gracie?” She asks me, her eyes fill with concern.

  “I have something to tell you.” I say. We walk into the living room and both sit down on the couch. My heart beats rapidly. I look at her, a feeling of shame washes over me. I hate disappointing my grandmother. I breathe in deep and take the plunge. “I’m pregnant.”

  She opens her mouth but no sound comes out so she closes it. I turn away and lean back against the couch, feeling cold. I wrap my arms around myself and patiently wait for her to say something. I glance at her out of the corner of my eye and see anger all over her face. “I’m going to kick Nick’s ass.”

  Chapter 28

  Grammy jumps up off the couch mumbling something that sounds like curse words but I can’t be too sure. She normally doesn’t use swear words in front of me, unless she’s really angry. And that seems to be the case this time. But why, he didn’t do it to her?

  “Where is he
?” If she’s mad about him knocking me up, I can’t imagine her reaction about him ditching me during the hardest time in my life. I stand up and grab her hand, she shoots me daggers.

  “Grammy, what’s wrong?”

  “Where’s Nick?” She growls.

  “We aren’t together anymore.” Her eyes snap to mine, and I flinch. They are menacing and quite frightening.

  “What do you mean you’re not together anymore? Is this some kind of sick joke?” Okay she woke up on the cranky side of the bed this morning. This is not my grandmother. It must have been the drive. Just as I’m about to bring down the hammer, my mother approaches us.

  “What the hell is going on? Why is Nick not around and what’s this crap about Nick and Gracie not being together anymore?’ My mother steps back a step and gives me a sympathetic look.

  “Look, we should sit down and talk mom.”

  “Cut the crap Mary. I want answers. Did you know Gracie was pregnant?” Wow, this is not going as planned. Maybe I should have phoned her the news instead. I’m just glad I’m wearing a baggy shirt and loose jeans.

  “Yes, I’m aware of this. I didn’t tell you because you were busy on your cruises and I felt Gracie should be the one to tell you. But it doesn’t matter because what’s done is done.” Grammy is staring at me intently. My eyes water.

  “I’m sorry Grammy. I know I screwed up. Believe me, this was not planned and it has been nothing but hell for me.” Her eyes soften as she moves to stand directly in front of me.

  “You think I’m mad at you?”

  “Well, yeah you’re disappointed in us. We were reckless and stupid.” I wipe my eyes on my sleeve as she is shaking her head.

  “I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at that son of a bitch that got you in this situation and then left you on your own.” Seems a bit unfair, okay I get the whole leaving me part but the other part was both of us. It takes two to tango and…well we tangoed alright.