Choices

by Annie Brewer

  “You’re totally ruining this moment.” I act innocent and pout my lower lip. His eyes travel down to my mouth. I press my lips together tightly. He loosens his hold on my hands. I bring them up around his neck, running my fingers through his hair and under the collar of his shirt. “You’re a dirty player.” He says. I feel his breath on my cheek, we’re so close. Talk about being a dirty player. Now he’s taunting me and I love it.

  “Just stop teasing and lick me already.” I say. Sometimes my mouth surprises me. There are times I’m shy to say something sexy and there are times, I’m a total hussy. Or act like one. Being pregnant has brought out two sides to me. He raises an eyebrow in surprise. I’m sure I’m a shade of crimson as hot as my face feels. I pull him closer to me, our mouths mere inches from each other. Our breaths mingle and our eyes bore into each other’s, trying to figure out the other’s next move.

  It’s Carter who makes the move, sort of. He brushes his lips ever so lightly against mine and I close my eyes, waiting for more. He’s leaning over me with his hands on either side of my hip. I feel the bed move a little and open my eyes. He’s staring at me, bemused.

  “That’s it?” I ask, almost annoyed.

  “You’ve got school in the morning. You need your sleep. We can finish this later.” I gape at him in disbelief.

  “Oh hell no. You can’t do that. That’s bullshit.”

  “Hey, now you have something to look forward to. I love you.” I throw my pillow at him as he leaves the room. I yell names at him through the wall and fall back against my bed in surrender and disappointment.

  Chapter 36

  Once people stop treating me like the laughingstock they think I am and leave me alone, I can breathe again. I owe Nick for that. But then again, he’s not the one getting treated differently because of the situation. No, everyone still likes him. Everyone still hangs out with him, treating him like he’s the victim. That just pisses me off. I’m the one to suffer all because I’m the girl with proof she was knocked up. My gratitude disappears, replaced by annoyance. They don’t know what it’s like to go to school wishing they were someone else. Only girls that have lived in my shoes know how it feels to be a pregnant teenager, faced with the biggest changes in her life. Maybe I should join a support group.

  “Sweetie, here’s some brownies I made for you.” My mother comes into my room and brings in a plate of delicious smelling baked brownies. She sets it on my bed. I sit up, closing my eyes and breathe in the smell. My mother always knows when I need a good cheering up.

  “Mmmm.” I grab one and inspect it. It’s still warm and moist, making my mouth water. “Thank you mom. This is just what I needed.” I take a bite and a crumb falls to my shirt. I swipe it away, and giggle. I’m a messy eater but nowadays I find myself wearing more of my food than actually eating it. I blame my pregnancy mixed with my klutziness.

  “Well, I’m going to finish some things up and then I’m headed to bed. I love you. Enjoy your brownies.” She stands up and I hand her the plate. I can only eat one or two brownies at a time.

  “Hey mom?” She turns around when she’s at the door. “Did you ever regret keeping me? You know, as the pregnancy went on?” She sighs and plops down in my desk chair, the plate on her lap.

  “No, I didn’t. It wasn’t always easy, I’ll admit. But I had enough support to help me through it. And so do you. So what if your senior year isn’t filled with parties and drinking? You have something to look forward to and it will last a lifetime.” She pushes my bangs from my face affectionately.

  “Thank you. I’ll keep that in mind.” She lays her hand where Kylie is moving around.

  “That’s how I knew you were still alive, it kept me at ease.” It’s such a crazy weird feeling but she’s right, I feel better when I can feel her moving even though it means less sleep for me. She’s more active at night, waking me from a deep sleep. At first it freaks me out, since I’m still in sleep mode.

  “She’s so active.” My mother observes.

  “She’s putting pressure on my bladder and now I’ve got to pee. Thanks again for the brownies.” I kiss my mother on the cheek and head for the bathroom.

  Dear Journal,

  It’s a girl! I’m having a girl! Just like I wanted. I named her Kylie. Isn’t that cute? I think so. I had a great holiday and then it was back to school for me. And wow, the first two weeks were hell and torture. But Nick put an end to it. So now I feel I might get through the rest of the year without crying and wanting to hide in the bathroom. Fingers crossed. Valentine’s Day is coming up and I’ve no idea what to do. But I want to do something nice for Carter. I’m sure I can figure something out. I’ll just ask Meg, she’ll help me plan something special. I have another doctor’s appointment later this month too. Going to bed now.

  Gracie

  I crawl into bed and curl into a semi ball and drift off to sleep.

  I wake up the next morning, late for school. I call Meg and tell her to leave without me, as I’m rushing to get dressed. I get to school and almost get hit as I’m pulling into a parking spot. Normally, I’m awake, feeling pretty good. But today feels like an off day; like I got hit by a Mack truck. I reach our lockers and when I approach Meg and Mason talking, they do a double take. “What?”

  “Nothing, except the fact that I didn’t get the memo it was pajama day.” She makes a pouty face and when I look down, I see what she means; I’m still in my flannel pajamas.

  “Oh shit. I must have taken them off and put them back on. I could have sworn I took them off.” They give me a look of disbelief. “What? I’ve been in a daze. I feel off today and this just shows how pregnancy can affect a girl.”

  “Or you’re just really that ditsy.” Meg laughs and I stick my tongue out at her, slightly offended. “I’m kidding. Those are really cute though.” Great, so now the whole school will see what a dumbass I am.

  The day is so slow and I can’t focus. What did my mother put in those brownies? At lunch I pick at my food. Since the torture has ended, I can eat lunch at school again. Not that I’m over the moon excited about cafeteria food, but I do have to eat.

  “Dude, you look sick. Are you okay?”

  “No, and I’m not sure why.”

  “Maybe you should go to the nurse.” Mason says, eating some chicken.

  “What should I do for Carter for Valentine’s Day?” I ask them, ignoring the previous comment.

  “You can double date with us. We’re going to dinner and then maybe a movie. It could be fun.”

  “Dinner and movies are so cliché. It’s nothing special.” I reply rudely and her face shows hurt.

  “I’m sorry Meg. I mean, we’d love to come.” Damn, I should have stayed home.

  “Okay, I’ll ignore you when you’re being a bitch. You have an excuse. Just try to direct your mood swings on someone else.” I try to smile, but it makes me look like I’m constipated.

  “Thanks I guess.” I feel a headache coming on and I rub my temples, closing my eyes. “Maybe a nap will help.” I say hopeful.

  A nap did help my headache disappear but then I started to have heartburn. I felt I couldn’t breathe and the tears burned my eyes. I pounded on my chest hunched over and it scared the shit out of me. I contemplated on getting my mother but it’s not like I was able to really move or think about anything but the pain in my chest, so I just waited for it to pass. When it finally passed and I could relax, a small laugh pushed through my throat. God, it never ends. When can I enjoy the pregnancy? I can’t dwell on the things I cannot change so I may as well try to have some fun, but I can’t even seem to do that. I lie back down and stare at the wall, until my eyelids become too heavy to stay open.

  It’s Valentine’s Day and I’m at still in bed, sick. I caught a cold or something, and my whole body aches. I sleep all day, which a couple of times I’m woken up by Carter bringing me soup and crackers. He’s so concerned and it’s cute but I assure him I’m fine. After work, he meets us at the restaurant. I was att
acked by all three of them about going at all. They were worried I needed rest and while they were probably right, I was not going to stay home. No sickness was going to stop me from this date with my incredible boyfriend. So eventually they relented and while the plan was for me to ride with Meg, I convinced her to let me drive and meet them. I felt a lot better after getting much needed sleep and I wanted to drive myself. She bitched and moaned, fighting tooth and nail but I told her I needed time to myself.

  I start getting ready in my new black lacey dress I bought a few weeks ago. Luckily it wasn’t a tight dress. It fits just right on my body. I have a cover up to go over it in case it was cold. It hangs past my knees so I wear knee highs with a pair of boots. It’s the perfect ensemble for tonight. I fix my hair in a bun and leave a few strands to hang in front of my face and apply my makeup. I take a picture of myself, not because I’m vain but because after the last few days I have felt and looked like shit, so I actually feel much more appealing and want to remember this look. “I’m leaving mom.” I call from the doorway as I’m grabbing my keys on the hall table. She walks through the kitchen in her apron and her hair is swept up in a tight bun.

  “Oh you look beautiful Gracie. You sure you’re okay to drive though?”

  “Yes, mom. I’m fine. It smells delicious in here. Are you cooking dad dinner?”

  “Yes, we decided to celebrate the night at home with some wine and good food.” She hugs me and then pulls away.

  “Okay well have fun you crazy kids. Only God knows what tonight will bring you two.” I kiss her on the cheek. She laughs, opening the door.

  “You all have fun as well and be careful honey.” She leans down to my belly and kisses it. “And you be good Kylie. I love you.”

  I walk out the door and get in the car, taking notice of the mess that needs some serious attention. I take out my phone and text Meg.

  Me: I’m on my way. See you soon.

  Meg: Okay, be careful. Love you.

  I pull out of my driveway and onto the street. I turn on my cd player and jam to some Metallica. I start singing along, feeling better and excited about my date with Carter and seeing my friends. Whatever I was going through the last few days had finally left my body, leaving me feeling a little weak, but not enough to keep me home. A wide smile spreads across my face, as I’m singing Enter Sandman.

  My mind starts to wander and I think about how lucky I am to have two amazing parents. That’s the one thing that I can say is they’ve had a great marriage and even having me hasn’t changed their love for one another. I hope to experience the kind of love that lasts forever too, not the kind that becomes bored unhappy. But right now, Carter makes me more than happy and I hope for us it stays strong and unbreakable.

  I slow down at a stop light and check my phone; one missed text. Weird, I didn’t hear my phone.

  Carter: Hey baby I hope you’re on your way. I have a bone to pick with you, later. Meg was supposed to take you but you’re so hardheaded sometimes. Well, be careful. I love you.

  Me: On my way, I’m feeling better but we’ll talk when I get there. Love you too.

  Stupid light is taking forever. I swear, this light changes so quickly but it depends which side you’re on. It’s seriously annoying. After I throw my tiny tantrum, the light finally changes. And just as I’m coasting through, a car on my left side decides to run their red light. I see it coming towards me and I panic, stepping on the break. But when I miss the asshole who almost hit me, I get rear-ended. Panic settles in my bones as I am jerked forward. The steering wheel pushes into my belly and I let out a scream when we stop. I put my car in park, shaking and look at the car behind me. A middle aged woman jumps out of her car and rushes to my side. As soon as I open my window and she sees me, maybe it’s the young age thing. But her eyes widen in fear. “Oh my god, are you okay?”

  “Yeah, I wasn’t hit too hard. I’m sorry I had to stop but that car raced through and almost hit me. I was scared. I panicked.”

  “It’s okay, really. I saw that but then I looked away or was distracted so I didn’t see you stopping. Shit, are you pregnant?” I nod and grab my head in my hands. There’s my headache again. “Shit, you need to go to the hospital.”

  “No, I’m fine really. I’m supposed to meet my boyfriend and friends on a date for Valentine’s Day.” After the words are out, I curse myself for being more concerned with dinner than my baby’s well-being. I really think I’m okay, except for my pounding headache.

  “No, you need to see a doctor. Something could be wrong, you don’t know. I’m calling the police and having them take you to the ER. Seriously, I wouldn’t mess with that.” She dials the number on her phone and I have no choice but go along with it. Shit, shit, shit. I should have stayed home or driven with Meg. The lady walks away; I roll up my window and pound on the steering wheel as I scream in frustration, anger and most of all pain. My head, my neck; pain, it hurts.

  Tap Tap Tap I roll my window down. “They are on their way; we need to move to the other side of the road, out of the way of traffic.” I nod mutely; tears are rolling down my cheeks. I drive near a curb where it’s less likely for me to get rammed. I shut off the engine and get out. “Are you okay?” I shake my head. I close my eyes and lean against my door and wait for the ambulance. At least there’s no blood and it was not as bad as it could have been. I contemplate sending a text to Meg. They’ll be worried if I don’t show up soon. Shit. What do I say? “You should call your parents and let them know what happened.”

  “No, I’ll be fine. They are having their nice night; I don’t want to ruin it. Honestly, my head and neck hurts, that’s all. I’m just shaken up is all.”

  When the police and ambulance arrive, they fill out reports and ask the lady and I questions. They demand I leave my car there and go with the EMT. I will have to call someone now. Again, shit! “Thank you for your help.” I tell her as she’s talking to the officer. She wishes me luck and I’m grateful she doesn’t try to sue me. But then again, it wasn’t really my fault; not entirely.

  At the hospital, they check me for any signs of bleeding or bruising. So far they find nothing, it’s only my head that hurts because I hit it with such force I’m surprised it didn’t give me a concussion. I sit here staring at my phone, wondering if I should call my parents, Meg or Carter. Damn, why couldn’t I have just made it to fucking dinner? I angrily wipe tears away and lay my head back against the pillow.

  “Okay, you’re free to go. Everything looked good. There weren’t any injuries. Take Tylenol for your headache and it appears you had whiplash. That should go away after the initial shock wears off. Do you need to call for a ride?” I nod, sitting up and dangle my feet over the side of the bed. He leaves the room and I continue to sit. I talk to my phone, asking for it to give me answers on whether I should call or text and who it should be. I’d hate to ruin my parent’s night, especially when I’m okay. I call Carter. No answer, so I call Meg.

  Meg: You’re where? Oh my god? What happened?

  Me: Just come pick me up. I’ll tell you then.

  Meg: Okay, we’re on our way.

  “Shit, I’m so fucking sorry. God, what the fuck was I thinking? I should have come over and personally dragged you in the car with me.” Meg is almost in tears when they arrive. And Carter is more than furious about the guy who ran the red light and almost hit me. But I’m okay.

  “I’m sorry Gracie. I’m the fucking asshole who let you drive in the first place.” Carter is so distraught, he holds onto me like a lifeline. I pull away from him a little agitated.

  “Jesus Christ, what is wrong with you two? I’m the one who insisted on going out. I should have stayed home. All I wanted was to have fun and enjoy tonight and for the last couple months all it’s been is fucking hell. I’m so sick of it. I’m sick of my mood swings, weepiness, and all the goddamn changes. I can’t do this, I want my life back.” A sob escapes my throat as Carter holds me, comforting me and rubbing my back.

  “I’m
sorry. It will be okay, Gracie; believe it will. We’re here for you always.”

  “Thanks Meg. Please, let’s not mention this to my parents. I wasn’t hurt badly, just my head and whiplash. I don’t need them worrying some more and trying to keep me locked up like a prisoner.” I plead with my eyes and Carter looks torn between the doing right thing and just shutting me up.

  “Okay, I won’t tell them but you have to promise you won’t overdo it. If we say something, it’s for your own good. I don’t want you putting too much stress on her, or yourself.” I kiss him in relief and nod.

  “Okay and I’m sorry for all that cursing. I’m just so upset that I missed dinner a great night with you guys but now I’m tired and need to sleep off this funk I’m in.” Carter takes me home and I cry myself to sleep in his arms, before he discreetly leaves.

  The days get better after that incident and we never speak of it again, which is probably selfish of me. But I’d rather my parents not know about anything. Carter takes me to my appointment at which I’m almost 7 months along. I’m feeling pretty good, bigger and it’s getting more uncomfortable to sleep, but who needs sleep anyway? It’s so overrated. Of course I’m saying that now and I know I’ll be begging for sleep once she comes. So much to still do to get ready and I’m going crazy. But once we hear her heartbeat and I know she’s okay, my mind is more at ease.

  Chapter 37

  “Gracie. Gracie, wake up.” I open my eyes and as soon as they come into focus and see Carter inches from my face, I turn my head to the other side. I hate morning breath and would prefer for him to be far away until I’ve had time to freshen up. What is he doing here anyway?

  “Hey, wake up sleepy head. It’s time to get dressed.” Apparently it doesn’t matter to him as he appears in my face again.