Artist's Dream

by Gerri Hill

  She laid in bed for hours as sleep eluded her. She had hoped Luke would call, and she wondered if she had gone into the city or if she was out with someone.

  She pushed the sudden stab of jealousy aside. Luke could go out if she wanted. It wasn’t like they had a commitment or anything. Did they? She wondered what Luke really thought about Cassie’s inability to deal with her father. Luke had been out so long, was openly gay with friends and family alike, probably out professionŹally, as well. Cassie didn’t think Luke was the type to hide who she was from anyone. Maybe Luke had decided Thanksgiving dinner with Cassie’s father would be too much for her. Maybe she had already made other plans.

  But surely she would have called if she had. Wouldn’t she? Cassie rolled over and punched at her pillow, mad at herself for being so weak when it came to her father. Was she willing to sacrifice her relationship with Luke to please a man she hardly spoke to, much less spent time with?

  And how would Luke treat her at dinner? As a friend she hardly knew or as a lover?

  A lover. The word caused all sorts of sensations in Cassie, and she realized just how much she missed Luke. The three nights they had spent together were still very vivid in her mind. Had she ever felt safer, sleeping with Luke’s strong arms wrapped around her, holding her? Oh, and how Luke could snuggle. Cassie would never have thought that such an intimidating woman could turn into such a softie. She smiled, remembering how it felt to be loved by Luke, whose touch was as soft and gentle on her as a summer kiss.

  She suddenly grabbed her pillow and held it to her, trying to ease the ache that hit her. Only in her dreams did she imagine a lover like Luke. Now that she’d found her, she admitted that she wasn’t willing to let her go so easily. No matter what the cost.

  Chapter Thirty-one

  Cassie picked up the phone and shoved it between her shoulder and chin as she carved the hawk’s eye.

  “It’s me.”

  Cassie nearly dropped the knife as Luke’s voice purred in her ear.

  “Hey.” She clutched the phone tighter. “Oh, God, I miss you,” she said, uttering the first words in her mind.

  Luke chuckled. “Do you? I never would have imagined. My phone hasn’t been ringing off the hook.”

  Cassie moved away from the hawk and sat with her back against the wall, knees drawn to her chest. She unconsciously picked at the wood chips clinging to her sweat pants. She had not talked to Luke since their brief phone conversation Monday evening. Here it was, Wednesday afternoon and all sorts of thoughts had been running through Cassie’s mind. She had nearly convinced herself that Luke had run, that Luke couldn’t handle being second in someone’s life

  again. And it was sobering to acknowledge that she had put her father ahead of Luke. For that matter, she had put her father ahead of herself, too. She had simply abandoned the new life she was starting and reverted back to being the good little daughter, trying to please her father, knowing she never would.

  “Can I… can I see you?” Cassie asked. “I need to see you,” she added slowly.

  “What’s wrong?” Luke asked immediately.

  “Nothing. Everything,” she whispered. She felt tears form. She couldn’t shake the feeling that she was losing Luke, that she was letting her slip away all because of this damn pretense for her father’s sake.

  “Luke, please don’t give up on me,” she whispered.

  “Sweetheart, I’m not giving up on you. You said you needed some time.”

  “All the time in the world won’t change anything. I really need to see you. I need to talk.”

  “You want to come over?” Luke offered.

  “Yes. Do you mind?”

  “Mind? Cassie, I want to see you just as much.”

  Cassie felt needy, clingy. Two words she would never have used to describe herself in the past. She was used to being alone, used to handling her father by herself. Now, she had someone to lean on, someone to talk to about her fears.

  “Thank you. I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

  “Okay. And please don’t thank me. I’m being totally selfish when I say I want to see you.”

  Cassie smiled. “Well, thank you for that, too.”

  She found her father in the living room, asleep in the chair. He had a book opened, his fingers still curled around it on his lap. The Bible. Of course, she thought. Did he read anything else?

  She quickly changed into jeans, debating whether to wake him or just leave a note. She decided a note would be easier. She would deal with his questions when she got back.

  But as she walked to the kitchen, she heard him call to her.

  “I didn’t mean to wake you,” she said when she went back. “I’m going over to a friend’s for a little while. I’ll be back before dinner,” she explained.

  “A friend?”

  “Yes. I do have a few of them, you know.”

  He only nodded.

  “Well, I’ll be fine here. I’ve got a good book to read.”

  “Yes, I saw.”

  “Don’t know if you’ve read it lately. Want me to leave it for you? I’m sure there are some chapters in here that you’ve forgotŹten.”

  She narrowed her eyes, wanting to let it go, as she would have in the past. Instead, she remembered with clarity the nights he would lock her in his study, dinner untouched on the table, all because she couldn’t memorize a two-page chapter.

  “No thanks. There were too many nights you fed me that book instead of dinner. I think I’ve had my fill.”

  “Cassandra! That was for your own good. You had an example to set for the other children in Sunday school. Do you know how embarrassing it was for me to have my own daughter unable to recite a passage?”

  “My own good? You locked me in your study!”

  “And a lot of good it did! Look at you. Throwing your life away up here, cavorting with sinners!”

  “Stop it!” she yelled, finally losing her composure. “What you think means nothing to me. Nothing! Do you realize that? Stop wasting your breath. This is my life. Not yours.”

  “Cassandra …”

  “No. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. Like I said, I’m going to a friend’s house. I’ll be back in time for dinner,” she said again.

  Cassie turned and left without another word, but she was shakŹing with anger. She never intended to get into a screaming match with him.

  Cassie raced over to Luke’s. She simply needed to be with her.

  Her hands were still tight on the steering wheel when she stopped, and she tried to make herself relax, but her hands were still shakŹing.

  The door opened before she could knock. Luke’s smile faded when she looked at Cassie, and Cassie moved into her arms withŹout a word, just needing to be held.

  “What’s wrong?” Luke whispered into her ear.

  Cassie shook her head, her face still buried against Luke’s warm skin. She tightened her grip around Luke’s waist and let the anger seep out of her.

  “Tell me,” Luke prompted.

  Cassie finally pulled away, and Luke bent and lightly touched her lips with her own.

  Cassie attempted a smile, but it faded quickly.

  “My father is just being … my father. We had a small, heated discussion right before I left,” she said.

  Luke drew her inside and led her to the sofa.

  “Sit.”

  Luke went into the kitchen and came back with two glasses of apple cider and settled next to Cassie.

  “Now, tell me what’s made you so upset. You were white as a sheet when you got here.”

  “I’m just so angry with him, Luke. I’m angry that he’s here, I’m angry because of the words he says to me. I’m angry at myself for allowing him to talk to me the way he does. And I’m angry that I’ve allowed him to come between us.”

  Luke captured her hand and brought it to her lips, lightly kissŹing her.

  “He’s not come between us, Cassie. Not as far as I’m conŹcerned, anyway. However you choose
to deal with him, that’s your business. I’ll still be here.”

  “I don’t like myself right now. I hate how I’ve bowed to him, I hate how I’ve put my life on hold because of him. Luke, he made some comment about me reading the Bible, and I reminded him of the times he used to lock me in his study.” She raised eyes full of

  tears to Luke’s and let them fall. “It didn’t even faze him. He said it was for my own good, that he couldn’t have his own daughter unable to recite a verse.” She let Luke pull her into her arms and she let her tears fall. “Can you believe he said that?”

  “No. No I can’t,” Luke murmured.

  “I don’t know if I can take another day like this. I’ve listened to sarcastic comments about Kim, about the perverts that live up here, about my lack of religious conviction, my lack of a husband and children, my art. I’m so frustrated, I just want to scream.”

  “Tell him.”

  “Tell him?”

  “Tell him how he makes you feel. Tell him what you’re thinking.”

  “It’s not that easy. He has an answer for everything. Not that it would matter to him how I feel. Like I said, it didn’t bother him in the least that locking me in his study was traumatic for me.”

  “Cassie, I’m not exactly an expert in this, but you’re letting him control you. You are the only one that can make him stop. I can’t even begin to understand this. You live your life separate from him, you hardly see him or talk to him, yet he comes here and takes over your life again, and you let him. Why?”

  “I’ve always been alone. I’ve never had anyone. And a part of me is afraid that if I stand up to him, he’ll disappear, and then I’ll have no one. No family at all.”

  “I would think being alone would be better than this hell he brings to you. And you’re not alone. You have Kim. You have me.”

  “Do I have you?” Cassie whispered.

  “If you want me.”

  Cassie let her breath out slowly and smiled.

  “I think I want you.”

  Chapter Thirty-two

  “The casserole is in the oven,” she told Kim.

  “How is he?” she whispered.

  “I don’t think he can hear you through the phone, Kim.”

  “Well, I’m nervous as hell that he’s coming, if that matters,” she said.

  “If it’s any consolation, I think he’s nervous, too. He’s either out preparing his sermon or he’s trying to convince himself that he won’t be tarnished by spending time with you people,” she said as lightly as she could.

  “Very funny. I’m glad you can find humor in all of this. What does Luke think about it?”

  “She doesn’t understand why I allow him to come here and take over, I guess,” Cassie answered honestly. “I saw her yesterday and we talked some. I was nearing a breakdown, I think.”

  “Is she still coming?”

  “I hope so.” It was Cassie’s turn to whisper. “I’m sure she is.”

  Actually, they had not even mentioned Thanksgiving dinner. They talked, and Cassie was content to let Luke hold her while she gathŹered herself enough to return to her father.

  “Well, what’s up? Did she freak because your father was there?”

  “Actually, I freaked,” Cassie admitted. “I cancelled any plans we had. Yesterday was the first time I’ve really talked to her.” She could picture Kim’s expression, and she closed her eyes to the image and shook her head. “Don’t start with me,” she said quietly.

  “I haven’t said a word.”

  “No, but you want to,” Cassie accused.

  “Well, you could always see what David’s doing today,” she said sarcastically. “I’m sure the Reverend would love his Republican ass.”

  “Kim!”

  “You simply amaze me. First of all, I don’t even know what’s going on with you and Luke, but I can imagine. It’s not like you’ve filled me in.”

  “It’s not like I’ve had a chance.” Cassie rubbed her temple with her free hand, wishing Kim would save the lecture for later, but knowing she wouldn’t.

  “Okay. Let me just run it by you. Stop me anytime.”

  “Like I could,” Cassie murmured.

  “I’m thinking that since you rode with her to Sacramento and spent the weekend at her place … well, you know, you’re no longer a virgin.”

  “Kim!” Cassie hissed.

  “And you spent the next few days together enjoying each other.”

  “Will you stop?”

  “And then dear old dad shows up, and you revert back to saintŹhood and blow Luke off for your father.”

  “You’re being totally unfair here.”

  “Am I wrong?” Kim demanded.

  “I didn’t blow her off,” Cassie insisted. “I explained to her that

  I couldn’t deal with him and her at the same time. She underŹstood.”

  “And have you dealt with him? Or just cowered to him?”

  “Kim, please,” Cassie pleaded. “It’ll be over soon. He’s leaving first thing tomorrow.”

  “Until the next time. I’m sorry, but I don’t know how you could jeopardize something like this because of him. What are you afraid of?”

  “I honestly don’t know,” she said. “I guess a part of me still holds out hope that he will come around, and we can have a normal relationship. And if he finds out about Luke, I know that will be the end. I’ll never see him again.”

  “Cassie, you don’t even like the man.”

  “I know,” she whispered. “But he’s still my father. And there’s no one else.”

  Kim was silent for the longest, then Cassie heard a weary sigh. “Okay. I’m sorry. I’m trying to understand. I forget that my parŹents didn’t speak to me for two years.”

  “But they came around,” Cassie reminded her.

  “Do you honestly think your father could ever accept you as a lesbian?”

  “Honestly? No. Never.”

  “Well, I guess you have to decide between them, then. Because I don’t think Luke would take a back seat to him for very long.”

  No. Cassie didn’t think Luke would. She was much too proud to pretend. But despite her breakdown yesterday, she still wasn’t willing to tell her father everything. He would be gone soon, and she could get back to her life. And hopefully, she would go another two years before she had to face this again.

  Chapter Thirty-three

  “Please be nice,” Cassie said for the third time.

  “Will you quit worrying? I’ll save my preaching for Sunday morning,” he said. “Where people will listen,” he added.

  “Thank you.”

  They were a little early, but Cassie found all she was doing at her own house was pacing, and she thought she could do that just as well at Kim’s. When she turned onto their street, her heart sudŹdenly jumped into her throat. Luke’s black Lexus was parked next to Lisa’s car.

  It was with shaky legs that she walked to their door. She had an uneasy feeling and knew in her heart that her father would not be able to hold his tongue for long. It would just all be too much for him. She glanced at him, noting the tight set of his jaw, the frown creasing his forehead.

  “They’re really nice people. I wish you’d give them a chance.”

  “Don’t try to sell them to me, Cassandra. I know sinners when I see them.”

  “Stop it right now or I’ll give you the keys, and you can go find a place in town to eat.”

  “I’ll never understand you, child. Your choice of friends simply amazes me.”

  She stood at the door, about to knock, when she heard the sound of voices and laughter inside. If life were fair, she would already be inside, joining them, standing next to Luke, perhaps holding hands or Luke would have an arm casually draped over her shoulders. It was with a heavy heart that she reached up to knock. It was then she noticed the familiar CD playing. She wondered if Kim had chosen Melissa Etheridge just to piss off her father. Well, it would be a fine start to the day.

  It wa
s Lisa who answered her knock, and she stood there awkŹwardly for only a moment before flashing a charming smile.

  “Come in, please. You must be Mr. Parker.”

  “Reverend” he corrected and Cassie rolled her eyes.

  “Of course,” Lisa said, and Cassie didn’t miss the amusement in her eyes. “I’m Lisa Meyers.”

  For a moment, Cassie thought her father would refuse Lisa’s offered hand, but he shook it briefly with a curt nod.

  Lisa turned to Cassie and winked. “Hey, Cass. Happy Thanksgiving.”

  Cassie accepted her hug stiffly, conscious of her father’s eyes on them.

  “Happy Thanksgiving. It smells great in here.”

  “It does, doesn’t it? Kim has been slaving over the turkey all morning.”

  “How much slaving does a tofu turkey take?” Cassie asked lighdy.

  “None. That’s my point.”

  They both laughed, and again Cassie wished her father had not chosen this particular holiday to come back into her life. Movement in the living room caused her to look up, and she met Luke’s eyes across the room. The familiar sight of her caused Cassie’s heart to race, and she had a difficult time catching her breath. It felt like weeks had passed since she had seen her, since

  she had been in her arms and she allowed her eyes to feast, if only for a second. Luke looked very pretty in her burgundy sweater and tan pants. Then Luke gave her that lazy smile she loved and walked over.

  “Hello. I’m Luke Winston,” she said without even a hint of nervousness.

  “Reverend Parker.”

  Their handshake was firm and fast, and it was only then that Cassie realized just how tall Luke really was. And confident. Her father would never be able to tower over Luke. Or intimidate her, Cassie thought.

  “Happy Thanksgiving, Cassie.”

  Cassie felt her body melting into Luke’s hug, and she realized just how much she had missed her the last few days. Yesterday, she had been too stressed to think about anything but the comfort Luke offered on the sofa. It was a quiet hour she needed, but still, it had been days since she and Luke had been intimate. She nearly laughed out loud. She had gone years before without being intiŹmate with anyone. Now, with Luke, she was insatiable. She pulled away slowly, her eyes meeting Luke’s for the briefest of seconds.