What the Heart Desires

by Jaime Derelle

  Hid crying jag lasted about five minutes before Jack was composed enough to speak. “The pain, it hurts as much... maybe even more than when it first happened. I don't know how to get over it.”

  “It's not about 'getting over it', I thought you had learned that. It's about coping, learning to live even though you went through a heartbreaking tragedy. You will always love Madeline and miss her. But it doesn't mean you stop living.”

  “I did that. Look where it got me, right back to square one.”

  “And it will happen again, Jack, don't think for one second it won't. But it's up to you how you handle it. Last night, you opted to hit the bottle. Did that solve anything for you?”

  “God no. I think I'm still hungover. But you're right, that's exactly what I did. I felt the pain and I wanted to numb it so I grabbed a bottle of scotch.” Jack held his head in hands, whether from the hangover or crushing heartache, Michael wasn't sure.

  “I think it would also help you to look at this from Anya's perspective,” Michael said cautiously.

  “How do you mean?” Jack looked up confused.

  “Well, she may not have chosen the best way to make amends with what she did, and certainly she should have reported it to the police, but all that she did came from good intentions. Do you want her to go back to New York and face potential jail time?”

  “No, not really. It doesn't bring Madeline back. Besides, she would probably just get probation anyhow.”

  “Regardless, for her to face you and tell you the truth was her way of atoning for her sins. She knew the risk she was taking, especially since she knew how strongly you felt about Madeline.” Michael went and sat behind his desk, pulled out his prescription pad and scribbled something on it.

  He tore off the page and handed it to Jack. He looked down and read, “Communication. Talk to Sandra, listen to the story from her perspective.”

  Jack looked up and said, “You seriously think this will make me feel better? This is the cure?”

  “Yes. By looking at it from her perspective, you step out of your shoes, away from your pain. Hopefully, by seeing the incident from all views, you can come to peace with it.”

  Jack sighed, folded the scrip and put it in his pocket. “I'll think about it.”

  “Until then, you have to continue to with group therapy. If you want me to recommend another group, I am more than happy to do that. Also, force yourself to go to work everyday. You don't need more time off, you need to remember how to live.”

  “Thank you, Michael. I would appreciate the name of another group. Truth be told, I am not ready to see Sandra just yet.”

  “Very well,” Michael pulled up his computer and did a quick search, hit print and handed the information to Jack. “Good luck, my friend. And we are definitely still on for Tuesday.”

  “Great. Thank you again and I'll see you in a few days.”

  Jack left Michael's office with a lot to think about. He wasn't sure if he could handle talking to Sandra, and definitely not today. He took the underground to the office and when he sat at his desk, all he could do was think as he stared at the blank screen.

  Part 5: The Path to Healing

  Sandra decided to stay in London and keep working with her therapy group. Two weeks after her disastrous date with Jack, she stopped watching the door for him at every meeting. She had to move on and face the fact that there were some things people just couldn't forgive.

  Noah was still coming to the group, and he had made such great progress since his breakthrough. Sandra vowed to help him, and all of them through their grief. It was the only way she saw that she could atone for what she had done to Jack, and to Madeline.

  “On my way here today, I saw Elliot's mother,” Noah kicked off the group conversation, “and she tried to stare me down. I met her eyes, and tried to keep my heart full of compassion as we passed each other. It felt good to know that while I still feel responsible for what happened, I know that loving her son was not wrong, and nothing she can say or do will ever change that.”

  “That's great to hear, Noah,” Madeline praised, “And what about thinking about things from her perspective? Has that helped?”

  “Yes, it definitely has. I mean, it's not that hard because I lost him too, and though I don't know what it is like to lose a child, I can sympathize with her need to blame me. It makes me even more sad to think I caused her and Elliot's father such pain, but at least I am facing my issues.”

  “Absolutely. What about work? How has that been going?” Sandra asked.

  “Better. I still have moments where I can't focus or feel overwhelming sadness, but at least I am productive.” Noah sat up, very proud of himself.

  The group continued on with more success stories and positive energy flowing. Sandra couldn't be more pleased with the progress everyone had been making. At the end of the session, Noah hung back to speak with Sandra.

  “I've noticed that Jack hasn't been coming to group, is he okay?” Noah asked with a tone of concern.

  “Uh, yeah,” Sandra was caught off guard by hearing Leo's name mentioned. She shouldn't be surprised, but she wasn't expecting it. “He's been very busy with work, and I assume has been focusing on his one on one therapy sessions.”

  “Oh, okay,”Noah looked as disappointed as he sounded. “It's just that I really liked him, and he was so kind when I had my breakthrough. I miss him.”

  “I do too, Noah. If I see him, I will be sure to pass on your kind words,” Sandra looked away, busying herself with her purse and coat.

  “Thank you. Also, please tell him that I think I can help him too. I think I get where he was coming from at that last session we had together.”

  Sandra turned around, her eyes wide, “How do you mean?”

  “Well, having been the driver of the car that killed my true love, I have experienced everything from hate to anger to slowly forgiving myself. It isn't an easy road, but I can probably help him in ways no one else can.”

  “I will be sure to tell him, Noah,” Sandra felt a spark of hope for the first time in a long time.

  That night, Sandra decided to walk back to her flat, since it was so warm out. Back home, the weather would be cold and rainy as it usually is here in the isles but this spring has been unseasonably warm and she planned to take full advantage of it.

  She picked up a bottle of wine and take out from the Indian restaurant around the corner. She snuggled up on her couch, wine and curry chicken in hand and absently watched Criminal Minds reruns. She was thinking about what Noah said, that because he had been both the driver and the person who had lost a loved one, he could relate to Jack in ways most people couldn't.

  Perhaps he could relate to her, too. Sandra never opened up in grief counseling sessions except to talk about losing her mother. She didn't mention why she missed saying good-bye to her mother and obviously not the accident. Now that Jack wasn't there anymore, maybe she could tell her story. With a little bit more hope in her heart, she enjoyed her night with a plan cooking for the next group session in her mind.

  With help from Michael and Mark, Jack was managing to stay on the path to getting better. He was working, going to his appointments weekly with Michael and joined a new therapy group. Jack did miss his old group though, especially Noah. The new counselor was good, but didn't have much in the way of personal loss to relate to many of the grieving members. He was just a kid himself, fresh out of graduate school.

  Jack walked into the group meeting a few minutes late and James, his new counselor, was addressing the group as a whole.

  “When dealing with loss, it is critical to feel each emotion as it happens and explore how it impacts your thoughts, life and how you react to different situations,” James explained with clinical coldness in his voice.

  Jack took a seat, thinking that Sandra never sounded clinical in all the sessions she ran with the old group. With a pang, he remembered how she looked on their first and only date. Shaking his head from the reverie, he focused on
the meeting.

  A woman who had been attending since before Jack but had never spoken up before raised her hand tentatively. James pointed to her, “You don't have to raise your hand, Jayne. We are all adults here, and as long as you respect others when they are speaking, please speak freely.”

  “Thank you, James. As some of you know, I have been coming here for a few months now. I lost my son in a car accident and just the other day, I ran into the boy who was driving.”

  Jack took note, as he could probably relate to her feelings. It took him a while to speak up in the sessions as well, mostly because he didn't want to completely fall apart in front of a group of strangers until they knew he wasn't a total namby pamby.

  “For the first time since the day the accident happened, he stared at me with such kindness in his eyes. And we, my husband and I, weren't kind to him the last time we spoke. In fact, we were very mean and said terrible things to this poor bloke.” Jayne wiped her eyes.

  “And how did this make you feel, Jayne?” Counselor James asked.

  “Well, when I first saw him I was still angry as hell. He killed my son, after all. But the look in his eyes, and the fact he didn't look away, made me think hard about the situation. You see, this boy is a woofter, and he claims our darling Richard was one as well. We just don't believe it, can't believe it about our only boy.” Jayne began crying in earnest now.

  Jack cocked his head, watching her cry. It dawned on him that the timeline just might match up... could this be Elliot's mother? Is the 'woofter' she mentioned Noah?

  Jayne collected herself and continued, “The more I think about it, the signs were all there, we just ignored them. Because we have always been a devoutly religious family, we've been outspoken against the alternative lifestyle and made our feelings abundantly clear. Poor Richard never told us because he was afraid of our reaction. It breaks my heart...” she sobbed now, and Jack got up to kneel down in front of her. James was sitting in his chair, playing with his pen and clipboard clearly feeling uncomfortable.

  “Jayne? I completely understand where you are coming from,” Jack patted her hands. She looked up at him, tears still streaming down her face. “I lost the love of my life, she was hit by a car and I raged at the person who did it. Though losing a child is the most devastating tragedy any person could possibly face, it helps to put yourself in the other person's shoes, too. He lost someone as well, someone he cared for, perhaps even loved. What kind of a world would this be, what kind of people would we be if we didn't show compassion for one another?”

  Jayne closed her eyes and nodded. “You're right, Jack. What kind of a world would this be? Not one my son would have enjoyed. He was the kindest, gentlest boy you could ever meet. Compassionate to ever single person and plight out there. He was studying to be a barrister because he wanted to get into environmental law 'to fight for Mother Nature because she can't afford a high priced barrister'.”

  “He sounds like he was an amazing young man, Jayne, and I am certain that was due to how you and your husband raised him,” Jack said gently.

  “Yes, I suppose you are right,” Jayne took a tissue from her pocket and wiped her nose. “Thank you, Jack. You are kind man.”

  Jack patted her on the shoulder and went back to his seat. James had been watching in awe, how Jack coaxed her through the emotions. They met each others gaze and Jack saw the look of respect in James' eyes. He thought to himself that Sandra would have done what he did. She did do it, for Noah. Hopefully, he helped Jayne come to terms at least with her feelings toward Noah.

  After the session ended, Jack walked back to his flat, thinking he really should go talk to Sandra. Hear her out, and work through the range of feelings he had towards her. Instead of going home, he slipped down to the underground and headed to Mark's.

  While Jack was headed to Mark's, Sandra was finishing up her reports for the counseling center on the latest session. She was thrilled at all the progress they were making and hoped that some of the members would be able to graduate soon.

  She sent off the reports and packed up her bag, thinking a walk home would be a great idea. She still needed to pick up dinner and drop off her dry cleaning. Jack was still on her mind from time to time, but she knew she had done her best with him. Maybe she should have stayed in New York but she didn't regret coming to England for a minute. She had done so much good, it had to outweigh the bad.

  Jack arrived at Mark's out of breath, running from the station to his house. He was anxious to get to Sandra, he knew that this was the final piece he needed to completely heal. Mark answered the door and was perplexed at his friend's breathless entrance.

  “What the hell is going on, mate? Where's the fire?” Mark had been watching a movie with Marcy and the kids were already in bed.

  “I need to borrow your car. I'm this close, Mark,” Jack held up his fingers, with a fraction of an inch between them.

  “To what? A breakdown? A heart attack?”

  “No mate, to getting full closure on this whole thing with Madeline... and Sandra. I need to see Sandra. I have to forgive her, or else I will never get over this, I know that now,” Jack took some deep breaths to slow his racing heart.

  Nonplussed, Mark handed his keys over to Jack, “Just be careful, mate. If things go sideways, call me and I will come get you, okay?”

  “Thanks, Mark but I promise, you won't have to.” Jack took the keys and flew out of the house. He was so close he could taste it. He felt it in his very core, down to his bones, this was his cure. The faster he can get there..

  Sandra dropped off her dry cleaning and decided tonight would be a good night to try the new Italian restaurant that opened up down the block from her apartment. She was craving spaghetti bolognese.

  Jack sped towards Anya's apartment. He checked the time and hoped she was home. Closing this chapter of his life would be such a big relief, to be able to move on from everything and start truly from a clean slate would be the biggest gift he could ever give himself.

  Sandra collected her take out, inhaling the delicious garlic and meat scent wafting form the bag as she stepped out. So intent on her wonderful meal, she didn't notice the car speeding down the side street as she stepped out to cross.

  Jack reached down to pick up his cellphone that slipped off the seat when he took the last turn and when he popped back up, he saw a woman stepping obliviously into the street. He slammed hard on the brakes, praying she would jump out of the way.

  Sandra heard the brakes and froze as the car barreled towards her. Like a doe caught in headlights, she watched as Jack came closer as if in slow motion.

  Jack realized it was Sandra, he threw the emergency brake up but it was too late and everything happened too fast. He turned the wheel as he hit her, clipping her hip and legs with the bumper of Mark's car. Coming to a violent stop, Jack jumped out and raced toward Anya's still form on the road, spaghetti bolognese strewn across the pavement.

  “Sandra! Sandra! Talk to me, Sandra!” Jack hollered, dropping to his knees next to her. He looked at her face, her eyes were closed. He pressed his fingers to her neck, searching and praying for a pulse. He felt her heartbeat and immediately pulled out his phone and dialed 999, giving the operator all the details and location.

  Jack popped Mark's trunk, got up and grabbed a blanket to cover Sandra, keeping her warm until an ambulance could get to her. What the hell did he do? He was in shock, his heart hammering out of his chest. At the moment, it was lost on him that he was now in Anya's shoes.

  He knelt beside her, holding her hand. He whispered, “Sandra, I am so sorry. For everything.” He tucked her hair behind her ear, thinking how beautiful she is. His heart swelled up with love, forgiveness and so many other emotions. “Sandra, you're going to be okay, I know this... because I love you.”

  The emergency services showed up and took the unconscious Sandra to the hospital. The police questioned Jack, told him that he was free to go but not to leave the country and be available for further
questioning. Jack didn't even care what the repercussions were, he just needed to get to Sandra and make sure she was okay.

  He called Mark and told him what happened. His car was impounded for investigation purposes, but there was no real damage to the car. The police figured he was down to 10kpm when he hit Sandra. While this didn't damage the car much, it was certainly damaging to her. Mark told Jack he would meet him at the hospital.

  Jack was pacing the waiting room when Mark showed up. Jack looked like hell and Mark could only imagine what was going through his mind.

  “I can't believe this, Mark. I feel like I am right back in New York, pacing and waiting to hear the news about Madeline.” He ran his hands through his hair, continuing his pacing.

  “Jack, sit down. Have you heard anything yet? Do you know how she's doing?” Mark sat down and pulled Jack into the chair next to him.

  “The nurse said they are evaluating her injuries. She's not in surgery and she's not on life support, so that's good, right?”

  “Well, it's not great but it certainly sounds like she is stable. Are you okay? Did you get hurt at all?” Mark was looking him up and down, searching for injuries.

  “No, I yanked on the emergency brake and turned the car just before I hit her, so the impact was barely anything to me,” Jack rubbed his hands together nervously.

  “Good. That's good. Have you realized the irony of this whole thing yet?” Mark eyed his friend with concern.

  “Irony? What do you mean?” Jack looked puzzled.

  “You hitting Sandra. It's like the circle has been completed. I mean, I know you didn't do it intentionally, but you did to her what she did to Madeline, essentially. You're on the other side of this now.”

  Stunned, Leo's jaw dropped an inch. Holy shit. He couldn't believe it. “But she's not dead. She's alive and will live, right?” Jack didn't think he could live with himself if he killed Sandra.

  “Yeah, the situation is slightly different, but the principles are all still the same. The big question is what do you do form here?”