What the Heart Desires

by Jaime Derelle

  ‘Conservation? You mean letting all the animals breed so much that they become pests?’ he said rhetorically, raising the volume and letting out the first of his ‘Ho ho ho’s’ at Sam’s expense.

  ‘You know nothing about it, obviously,’ she replied.

  ‘You mean shutting down nuclear power plants and replacing them with wind farms that don’t work so we all have to sit in the cold and dark all winter?’

  There was his moment.

  ‘But we’d have your witty analysis to keep us going, Roger,’ Francis butted in, almost surprising himself at being able to speak as loudly. He spoke with a smile so his intervention seemed at one with Roger’s performance, even though there was something else at work entirely.

  ‘Hey, I’m happy to…’ Roger’s attempt to keep the room in the palm of his hand was doomed.

  ‘Unless we invested in ear plugs instead,’ Francis added, spurred on by noticing that even those in the group who had begun to talk among themselves perked up to listen. ‘And if we went back to medieval times we’d need a court jester anyway, so you’d be fine.’

  The ambush worked perfectly, everyone around the table burst out laughing and this time at Roger’s expense, completely ending his attempt to humiliate Sam. Cut down in full flow, the performer knew he’d lost his audience and didn’t try to regain any momentum. Quiet and reserved as Francis was, he proved an unexpected competitor. In retrospect he actually thought the insult a bit too cruel for his liking and didn’t really enjoy making someone else squirm in the same way Roger did. High-volume frivolity allowed him to get away with it without looking vindictive or out of place – even though it was obvious Roger’s ego had been bruised.

  I guess if you live by the gloat you die by the gloat. Everyone laughed at his intervention louder than they had at any of Roger’s mocking. More so because he had pulled the rug out from under the man’s feet than because his comment was actually that funny.

  It was only Sam who did not really laugh out loud, instead smiling quietly while looking down at the table to disguise her delight. She knew the real reason behind his intervention of course. Having a secret ally present added a warm glow to her cheeks that Francis found mesmerising for having seen only heartbreak there when they first met.

  The evening wound down quickly then. Everyone was speaking in twos and threes and Francis did later reflect that having a clown like Roger leading a group’s merriment might have served a social purpose in bringing them together. He didn’t feel bad about it though. He’d made Sam smile again, that was all that mattered.

  At some point the decision was established to end the night’s drinking, at which point everyone’s minds inevitably turned to food. Out onto the street the group staggered, made more inebriated by the fresh air that hit them. As was not unpredictable, any intention to form a collated effort soon descended into complete randomness. Some of the group wanted pizza, some suggested Chinese but no one knew where was best. At some point a trek to one of these places commenced, though no one had any idea if the person leading the way knew where they were going. Under such a banner of leaderless indecision Francis and Sam were at last able to come together and speak, walking deliberately slowly and letting the rest of the group wander onwards. No one turning to look at them would have recognised anything other than casual chitchat going on.

  ‘Brought together again,’ she said to him, ‘must be fate.’

  ‘I certainly wasn’t following you,’ he replied.

  ‘Thanks again by the way.’

  ‘Oh, don’t even…’

  ‘I mean thanks again, for saving me from Roger this time.’

  ‘He didn’t see me coming I guess.’

  ‘That’s a skill you have for sure. I think you also handled the whole meet pretty well – better than I did,’ she said, giggling.

  ‘I think we got away with it, just about. But I was surprised to see you.’

  Back in Sam’s company unexpectedly, Francis noticed how completely at ease he felt. In the short time they’d known each other they had shared enough to understand they did not have to be on guard about anything. They knew they could trust each other to help when faced with a difficult situation and that discretion would be respected.

  As the disorganised expedition for food proceeded, Francis and Sam found they were the most sober of the group. When the last of their friends was no longer in sight they made no attempt to catch up with them.

  Francis asked her how she was of course, but when she said ‘Absolutely fine,’ and smiled knowingly he took it as a signal that there was no need to pry into her mental state. That was her business. He was there if she ever wished to confide in him, but was content enough to offer company alone. Thinking of her as a fully rounded person for the first time, rather than a fragile soul, Francis realised that he found her a great pleasure to be with. Sam was far from morose as he expected depressed people to be. He found her light-hearted and laid back as he was in his best moments, but most of all he noticed a deep sense of caring within her. No doubt this had contributed to her world weariness, but a deep admiration was growing in him nevertheless to see one so young whose character wasn’t shaped by trends or trivial matters. Clearly whomever she had shared her young life with so far had failed to make the most of those qualities, or else given nothing back. Whatever the truth he was sure she had grown up quicker than her circle of friends and would blossom as an adult, providing she got there.

  On this third meeting she wanted to know more about him, however. Although he usually didn’t like talking about his life’s choices much, for some reason he felt comfortable answering all Sam’s questions as long as she was interested enough to listen. Perhaps being the man that saved her life excused him from any apprehension that she could think poorly of him. Francis found he could be open about all his failings, knowing she would not judge him harshly.

  ‘I haven’t been happy at work for a couple of years now,’ he admitted. ‘There are no new challenges there. I like the company and get on with my bosses, but I’d like to try for a different career entirely.’

  ‘What’s that?’ she asked.

  ‘Law, I’m afraid. For some reason I realised it too late. Still, I’d risk it if I didn’t have little mouths to feed.’

  ‘Does your wife work?’

  ‘Yes, but we save poorly and the young ones’ education will be the important thing, not mine. So it looks like I’m staying in sales.’

  ‘How about your wife, is she happy in her job?’

  ‘Chloe? Yes, she’s a doctor and loves it.’

  ‘A doctor?’ he understood from the tone in her voice what she was thinking; doctors earn a lot of money. ‘Listen I know it’s none of my business,’ she went on, ‘but I think you’re missing a trick.’

  ‘How do you mean?’

  ‘Appealing to her vanity.’

  ‘That sounds devious.’

  ‘It is, but think about it: doctor and lawyer. “What does that couple do living over there?”, “Oh one’s a doctor and one’s a lawyer”; how impressive does that sound?’

  ‘I’m not sure I follow.’

  ‘What I mean is your wife can be swayed by her vanity and ego. Her reputation ego. If she has one?’

  ‘She does.’

  ‘There you go then, you can quit your job and study law and tell her you’re doing it for her because you overheard Mrs Nosy Pants down the road saying, “She’s a doctor, but her husband, he’s only a salesperson”. No offence salesperson.’

  Francis laughed at her concern she might have offended him, but he found little argument to the contrary other than that what she was suggesting was a big risk. It was his habit to put his children first and avoid risks that might impact on them.

  Having made their way onto 49th Street, they took advantage of a takeaway steakhouse to pick up some French Fries which they could eat on their way to Sam’s apartment on 2nd Avenue. By this point they had no idea where the rest of the group had gotten to.

/>   ‘You could be at home for them more if you’re studying you know,’ Sam pointed out, taking up the same thread of their conversation. ‘As strange as it is for me to lecture you on being brave.’

  ‘Oh, not at all. I think you’re right,’ he replied. ‘It’s not about money it’s about risk. Is it brave or reckless, I can’t decide – and why risk if you don’t know for sure?’

  ‘But being with someone: a partner. They’re not supposed to hold you back, even unintentionally. Would she put up with you keeping her in to do the housework like a good little wifey?’

  ‘Ha! Not in a million years, but that’s not quite the same thing.’

  ‘Yes it is. Women’s lib was about life satisfaction, not freedom. Who has freedom? So she gets life satisfaction and you get dissatisfaction.’

  ‘But then marriage demands sacrifice.’

  ‘Sure and I know nothing of it, just seems a bit unbalanced to me. The question you have to ask though is will you regret it in 2 years, or 5 years, because then it leads to bitterness and then she’ll have a far worse problem on her hands.’

  Despite having gone over this scenario many times, Francis found he was thinking with a different perspective. Sam had certainly put the argument forward more strongly than the voices in his head – but we’ll say no more about them.

  ‘I think you’re wise beyond your years, Sam,’ he told her, but this made her laugh.

  ‘Ha! You know that’s not true. I think I’m just trying to return the favour to be honest, and making a hash of it.’

  ‘No no, I’m glad you said it. My problem’s always been too much caution; yours Sam, is just believing in yourself. Maybe we should make a deal to overcome these odds.’

  ‘Two heads are better than one.’

  Their walk through the city that never sleeps to Sam’s apartment took about half an hour. All the way they bypassed tourists that stood amazed on every block and street corner at the Christmas lights and the crowds that surrounded street performers. Despite the delight and splendour, Francis understood how a depressed mind could become so lonely here if they didn’t feel a part of what was going on around them. His hope was that their growing friendship was helping Sam to take more from the city life around them. Certainly it seemed that she was enjoying the atmosphere. Maybe having someone to enjoy a place with is often the most important thing but, despite this, he recalled her mention of ‘conservation’ as being a personal interest and wanted to enquire further. (They would miss Roger being around to ridicule their personal ambitions, but would have to make do.)

  ‘Going back to the question of what we should be doing with our lives,’ he said. Was that true what you said of conservation?’

  ‘Oh, that’s it’s important yes, but it was just something to say. I’ll never be involved with it.’

  ‘Why on earth not?’

  ‘I’m a city girl; what species are there left to save around here.’

  ‘Oh for sure, what I mean is why do you still see your future in the city? Seems to me if you’re interested in conservation you should look to live in the country somewhere. Near a national park or something.’

  ‘Yeah, but to do that you’ve not only got to move, you have to find somewhere to fit in. A small community where you can be accepted. Why would they give a role like that to a girl from New Jersey?’

  ‘Oh that’s nonsense. You could fit in wherever you go. And conservation, let me tell you there’s just plenty of call for it. A lot of people care about it but they find it hard to get committed people to dedicate their lives.’

  ‘Sounds a bit fairytale-ish.’

  ‘Then you should definitely do it. I can just picture you feeling perfectly at home in Yellowstone Park, or somewhere in Colorado or Idaho depending on what scenery you prefer. You know they have volunteer camps all the time to those places, should be relatively easy for a student to get on.’

  ‘How do you know all this?’

  ‘I’ve a friend who went on one; met her husband there. There’s a big world beyond this fabulous city, you know.’

  A thoughtful silence met his words as they continued down 2nd Avenue. Having put the ball back in her court, in terms of solving life’s problems, it felt like normal order was restored. Was he really responsible for her as he had joked at their second meeting? It had begun to feel that they were becoming responsible for each other.

  A warm and giving friendship should always be welcomed, you can argue, but what happened next would make things even more complicated. There are accidents that are easily dismissed and then there are accidents that linger because of what we really feel; this was the latter.

  Once they had reached the stairs to her flat, Sam thanked him for walking her home and said it was good to see him again. This time Francis wanted to say something more though; to compliment her for who she was and somehow make the point that he was not just being a Good Samaritan anymore. For sure they would not have become friends if it wasn’t for the bridge moment – although they would have met this evening – but he wanted her to understand that it was good knowing her.

  ‘You know,’ he began, ‘I hope you think I’m not just revelling in a good deed or something.’

  ‘Why would I think that?’

  ‘I just mean – I know we wouldn’t be talking here if it wasn’t for how we met but… I’m really glad I met you is what I want to say.’

  ‘Me too,’ Sam responded. She had stopped on the first step up to her apartment and made no sign of backing down from their heart to heart.

  ‘In fact, I’d hate it if we lost touch.’

  ‘It’s been great to have someone to confide in, Francis. I see nothing but good in you and that’s a rare thing.’

  He was deeply touched by her words. Francis was wondering whether to invite her for Christmas dinner with his family but hadn’t got his head round explaining their friendship without giving away that night on the bridge. Maybe he could work that out another day.

  Instead he said, ‘I don’t know how yet, but let’s make 2015 a better year, huh?’

  Sam nodded and then leant forward. It was likely she was trying to kiss him innocently on the cheek, but the steps beneath were icy. She slipped and in effect succeeded in throwing herself into his arms. Of course he caught her – a better result than letting her fall to the pavement and breaking her nose – but poised then as they were in a kind of embrace, her hand on his chest, his hands on her shoulders, they made that mistake that our instincts are able to make without our help. They lingered too long.

  Was it for a second? Maybe more, maybe less. Regardless of how long they paused staring into each other’s eyes, it was long enough to betray something more than friendship existing behind them.

  Chapter 4

  Whatever feelings were at work during that awkward moment on 2nd Avenue were left unspoken. Indeed, it was easier to just presume they had been imagined. Or to imagine they’d been imagined.

  Up until then Francis and Sam’s acquaintance had been based on complete honesty and had flourished into a friendship as a result. He felt he owed it to her not to make things complicated; their affections could continue to thrive in friendship. Nothing else.

  Silly really, he should have just made a joke about it. ‘You’ll need my wife’s permission next time you want to throw yourself into my arms,’ or something along those lines. What had stopped him? The next time they met or spoke he’d say something like that. And so if she’d fancied he was staring longingly into her eyes on the stairs then the whole moment could be put to rest.

  At the time all he’d done was advise her to be careful on the steps in future then bid her farewell. They’d both managed to smile about it but for some reason failed to meet it with the humour it deserved, and then Sam had gone inside and he’d gone to hunt down a cab.

  By the time he put the keys in his own front door he’d made a conscious decision to ignore the moment. A decision he made again the following day at work. And again over the weekend.
By Monday he’d definitely made sure it wasn’t to be given more thought. It would be Christmas next week; there would be plenty to occupy his mind.

  A man who stays in a profession he has grown tired of has no sudden desire to tear the world apart just because an attractive young lady might have developed an affection for him. Besides, he did not know if they’d see each other again before Christmas – considering their meeting at Jim’s birthday night had fulfilled that commitment. He’d send Sam a casual text at some point and leave it to her to decide and then, and only then, would he worry about it.

  It wouldn’t keep him awake at night. It wouldn’t cause him to be distant at home until Chloe was forced to ask ‘Are you listening?’ – again. And certainly it wouldn’t cause his mind to wander at work on a Monday morning. Especially when he was bored.

  He’d put a stop to it straightaway.

  Unclear as it is whether he failed to be honest with himself about this failure, it is clear nevertheless that he was not able to attempt the façade any longer after what then happened. Fate was not through with him yet and a complicated time was nigh.

  With the penultimate week in the office under way, Francis sat back and watched as all of his colleagues became more and more stressed. If any of them noticed how sedate he was they said nothing; perhaps they admired from afar, or writhed in jealousy – either amused him. None of them knew that he’d gained some respite from sending out end-of-year quotations by completely lying to a client that there were better prices to be had in the New Year. This fib had been made partly for his own amusement, but when he found it worked so easily he wondered why he’d never tried anything similar in the past.

  As a point of professional pride, he’d told them, his quote would be the first thing on their desk in the New Year. In this he would be true to his word but in the meantime it allowed him to sit back and watch the whole sales team stress about their own deadlines. Always they had insisted on meeting them for company vanity, but Francis was able to level himself with something he’d never really admitted before: that it was all bullshit. If putting on a show was something his company valued then this time he would make a show of being the last quote on the table, not the first. Additionally he would do no more work and purposely miss his December target. What company doesn’t see rise and fall over the Christmas period? Working harder when the sales were not there was another of his company’s policies, but now he would pursue his own. This time he would use the downtime to gain valuable respite. Sit back while all the competitors were tearing their hair out, so that when New Year came he would be refreshed enough to work better and achieve greater. Stress over deadlines had been going on all year. Didn’t his bosses know such behaviour can drive people mad? Cause parents to neglect their children? Cause relationships to fall apart and even cause people to jump off GW Bridge on average of seven times a year? (Six this year, he thought to himself.)