What the Heart Desires

by Jaime Derelle

  From his vehicle he made his way through the Park towards the entrance he supposed Sam would come from. As when he had knocked on her door the day before, he was in a frame of mind no longer concerned with his actions. When they met what would be would be; he would allow fate to decide but he knew that he would not reject Sam again if her thoughts had not changed.

  He walked quickly, not rightly knowing why urgency was suddenly the order of the day. Perhaps it was the desire to be on a mission of some kind that had grown strong in him, rather than allowing life to subdue what passions and desires he had and should not be ashamed to have as a living, breathing human being. That night on GW Bridge had not only been crucial in turning Sam’s life around, he now fully recognised. It had equally been a catalyst for changing his own life. Only he could not tell quite what it was changing into yet.

  That might depend on Sam. She wouldn’t know it yet, but she had major influence over the pathways his life would take from that day on. And he was happy to place his trust in her.

  Eager as he was, somehow he failed to see her approach when she arrived.

  Alerted by a friendly tap on the shoulder, Francis spun round to see Sam standing beside him, a wide grin on her face and colour in her cheeks that had not been there when they first met. Each time he saw her she looked more healthy and alive. Other than the birth of his children there was surely nothing so wonderful he had done with his life than manage to talk her down from the bridge that night.

  ‘It’s good to see you,’ he told her, suddenly relaxing and realising he was out of breath for some reason.

  ‘You too,’ she responded happily.

  ‘I was looking for you yesterday.’

  ‘Fancy me not being there for you. I hope you can forgive me.’

  ‘I could never think ill of you in a million years.’

  ‘Who’s this,’ she asked, leaning down to Skip who was looking excitedly up to her, hoping for some attention. It was not unusual for his dog to draw admirers. He was such a sweet natured creature that managed to look more adorable for being slightly scruffy than many of the pedigree breeds that some dog owners insist on making a fuss about.

  Sam loved animals and was all too pleased to give the canine some fuss.

  ‘Ooh, I could just take you home,’ she told the pet. ‘Is this my Christmas present?’

  ‘He looks like he wants to go with you,’ Francis remarked, ‘but then he’s a good judge of character.’

  ‘Well, he’s just delightful. Is everything OK with you?’ she then asked him.

  Francis knew she was far too perceptive to assume this was just a casual meeting. Likely the full extent of his presence at her apartment the day before was not quite realised, but again he couldn’t be anything but honest with her. There was nothing for it but to confess his love, just as she had to him the last time they met. He may have been putting his marriage in jeopardy, but Christmas Day is not a day for lies.

  ‘I couldn’t let Christmas go by without seeing you,’ he began. ‘Ridiculous not to have thought of it sooner, but letting you be all alone today was just unforgivable. Even though you weren’t in the end.’

  ‘You’ve done so much for me, Francis,’ she replied. ‘I absolutely refuse you any permission to feel bad about this; you have three children. You’d already got me back on my feet and I haven’t been wallowing in any kind of misery at all. I’ve reconnected with my brother and was even meeting a couple of friends here. They’ll be fine without me if you want to linger, but I’m guessing you’re needed back from canine duties.’

  ‘That’s just the thing, I don’t really care anymore,’ he said, venturing into unknown territory.

  ‘What are you talking about?’

  ‘I don’t care if I’m needed back. That’s the thing,’ he told her. ‘You were right. You only implied it but, my marriage, it isn’t heaven. I love my children and I do love my wife, but she doesn’t respect me. Deep down I am bitter about it, I just didn’t figure out how much until now.’

  ‘But you can fix it,’ she told him. ‘That’s what I was getting at really. You can fix anything, Francis. She needs you more than she knows and all you have to address is your fear of upsetting her.’

  ‘I’m not sure I follow.’

  ‘That’s your only problem here, Francis; your kindness. I wouldn’t change it for the world, but it can be taken advantage of. Being honest about what you want from life might cause her concern in the short term, but in the long term there will be a lot more to be concerned about. You could teach me more about family life than I know, but one thing I learnt for sure was that every dishonest word lingers. Every so-called innocent lie has a consequence further down the line.’

  ‘But these aren’t innocent lies anymore, Sam. I told you, I don’t care which also means that I’ve changed my mind.’

  ‘Changed your mind?’

  ‘Let’s just wind things back 11 days and remember what you said to me. Do you still feel that way?’

  At last the penny dropped and Sam’s jaw opened wide to signal her astonishment at what he was saying. Before responding he noted she looked around to see who might be in the vicinity, betraying a realisation that their conversation was not wholly innocent anymore.’

  ‘Yesterday,’ she responded at last. ‘You weren’t just making a friendly call.’

  ‘No. I wanted to see the woman I love on Christmas Eve, just as I wanted to see her today.’

  There was a prolonged silence then, while Sam thought of how to respond. As he said the words she’d been staring at him wide-eyed. He almost felt it might be another moment when they would fall into each other, but Sam was the first to break the link, her eyes wandering to the pavement below as she searched for wisdom.

  ‘I love you too, Francis,’ she replied, and if she had said those words still holding his gaze he would have leaned forward and kissed her. Instead though her eyes remained on the ground, affirming that a barrier of some kind still remained between something like that occurring.

  ‘That afternoon in the coffee shop,’ she went on, ‘when I told you that, I had been thinking a lot. I was still collecting myself in a way and it made me a bit reckless.’

  ‘But you just said you love me.’

  ‘I know and it’s the truth, but I shouldn’t have gone there. It was all part of finding my wits again, I think. Over that weekend I was suddenly hit by a big selfish streak. I told myself that no one else out there holds backs when they want something to be theirs.’

  Francis nodded in response, all-too familiar with this feeling from the last few days. Why act like a saint when the rest of the human race is setting such a bad example?

  ‘But the fact is,’ she continued, ‘that deep down I know that’s not true.

  ‘How is it not true?’

  ‘In that we see the bad things more than the good, because they’re more obvious. But there are plenty of people out there living good lives and being loyal to their loved ones. Look at us, we’d know nothing about each other if it wasn’t for that day, when you could so easily have not noticed me. I’d know nothing about what a good person you are and would still be seeing an ugly world if it wasn’t for that.’

  ‘But I’m not that good, obviously. Coz I’ve been looking for you and I’m here now.’

  ‘Well that’s my fault.’

  ‘You’ve done nothing wrong.’

  ‘I knew about your kids, I should have held back,’ she said, with regret in her voice. ‘That’s why I asked about them when I did; I was having second thoughts. I left the ball in your court then, and you’ve put it back in mine now. Truth is I would think less of myself if I tore your family apart… so I can’t.’

  ‘I’m the one who came to seek you out,’ he responded. ‘The blame would be all mine.’

  His heart yearned for her no less, but his words had become a tad less sincere now. He knew that she was right. The commitment he had made to marriage has been treated lightly by many, but even if he found h
is waning the reality of having three young children was not something to treat so. If there was anything to learn from Sam’s upbringing and where it had sent her it was that taking a child’s development for granted was a very dangerous game.

  ‘Well,’ Sam replied. ‘In that case it’s my turn to save you this time… because I can’t do that to you. Strange as that might sound after all I said before.’

  Looking to bring an end to their awkwardness, Francis smiled at her. Melancholically perhaps, but there was resignation there mixed with affection that told her everything was fine.

  ‘My word,’ he said, ‘how my outlook on the world has changed over but a few weeks. I never saw this coming.’

  ‘And no one will see you coming, Francis,’ Sam reminded him, returning his smile and putting a supportive hand on his wrist. ‘Did I get the impression you’re going to do it? Tell your wife you want a change of direction?’

  ‘I… I think so,’ he responded. ‘I need to look into a few things, but if I’m brave enough to be chasing beautiful women around Central Park then there’s no reason why not.’

  ‘You’ll be brilliant, my friend,’ Sam replied, laughing. ‘Someone will end up writing a TV drama about you and everything.’

  ‘Well,’ he said, also brightening up, ‘whatever happens I’ll have you to thank for it.’

  They embraced then. Warmly and openly as they’d never done and caring not who saw. The truth was nothing to be ashamed of; quite the opposite in fact. Christmas spirit demanded they show their love for each other in some way and, as much as there had been moments of risk when they would have gone too far, circumstance had been perfect to them. Everyone celebrating the yuletide that day had personal failings. Even the noblest among them. But similarly there is goodness and the ability to strive for a better world; we just need to be reminded of it every now and then.

  Their meeting did not come to a close immediately. Sam insisted she would enjoy his company for a while longer as they took a more relaxed walk back to the car. For a change Francis had to share Sam’s attentions with Skip, but she loved the dog instantly and so he minded not. Animals have a skill of getting people to love them instantly which people could sometimes do with.

  On the way they talked about quite a lot. Openly as they always had and would probably always be with them, but light-heartedness had returned now they had resisted infidelity. For them, at least, confession had not harmed their friendship but had reaffirmed it. Even though Sam suggested they shouldn’t meet again for a couple of months, allowing life to settle and their passions to calm, they knew they were friends for life and it would only ever be a matter of time before they saw each other again. There was even a loose agreement that Francis would not keep Sam’s existence secret from Chloe eternally, but that they would be introduced at some point and Sam herself suggested she should be told about that night on the bridge – though some of the post-details could always be left out.

  Most significantly, however, they talked more about their future ambitions. About Francis’s intention to study law there was much to say and Sam encouraged him further by ensuring that there were far more mature students studying than people realised. While changing one’s career was not such a rare decision anymore either and could be better achieved considering that people are living longer and healthier lives.

  Despite still feeling he needed her encouragement, Francis was all the more interested in hearing about what Sam wished to do. It turned out that in the days since their last meeting she had indeed enquired into attending one of the volunteer conservation camps he had mentioned. So far she still knew little about it, in terms of by what means a city girl could indulge in a love of nature as a profession. Neither was she sure where in the world she should head to, but the questions were now being asked and she assured him of her determination to find out.

  ‘Someone out there is a sense of belonging I’ve never had,’ she told him, ‘other than by your side. I’ll let you know when I find it.’

  ‘My guess is the journey will be the most rewarding thing,’ he replied, ‘but we’ve said enough profound words for one day I think.’

  They had reached the car and even the weaker side of his will was considering that he should be getting back home, or else daddy would miss Christmas dinner and he probably would deserve to lose some respect at home.

  ‘Instead,’ he continued, ‘I just want to say Merry Christmas, Sam and that I’m so pleased to know you.’

  ‘Merry Christmas, Francis and likewise.’

  They embraced again and he watched her walk back into the park, turning before she was out of view to smile affectionately.

  Beyond the park the skyscrapers of New York City were beginning to sparkle as daylight faded and families turned on their Christmas lights. Stopping to consider the size of the city he lived in for a moment and its great population, Francis couldn’t help wonder how many other citizens had met with some life changing moment or dilemma during this crazy month. He wondered how many were waking up to life from numbness, as he was, powered by the tonic of Christmas spirit and he thought too of those who might be depressed and lonely. Of these he hoped that some of the forces at work in his life and in Sam’s were also present. Good people need reminding of it every now and then and no one should be lonely at this time of year.

  He was just one man with one Christmas story. There would be many more and each one of them would be different and unique in its own way, just like the people who lived and fell in love as they came and went.

  Unhurried he lingered for a while, then it was time to return home to his wife and children.

  Chapter 7

  John F. Kennedy International Airport was heaving with the strain of the Easter rush, but Francis wasn’t bothered by the busyness. For a change he sat quite happily people-watching, marvelling at how dissatisfied so many who were about to go on holiday could look. Neither did he care that they had a two-hour wait for their flight, or that Chloe kept asking him if they had forgotten anything.

  ‘If you wish to look stressed about stuff we can’t do anything about, that’s up to you,’ he told her, ‘I’m just going to sit here and look forward to California and my first view of the Pacific Ocean.’

  It was their first family holiday for two years and long overdue. A new outlook on life was still strong in Francis – in fact he thought it to be permanent – and if the rest of America wished to approach the Easter break without telling their faces to look like they were enjoying it then it was their loss.

  He was keen to watch his children play on the west coast beaches and maybe they’d even talk him into getting on one of the rides at one of the many theme parks they hoped to visit. The self-catering apartment they’d booked would also serve a purpose for more than relaxation, however. Chloe had agreed to sit and talk in depth with him about some of the subjects he’d been raising since New Year. Most significantly his new life’s ambition to pursue a career in law, which would demand some adjustment and rethinking of their lives and priorities. Francis had been honest with her though; he was not happy in sales and not content to wait for their children to grow up before acknowledging he had desires of his own. Her initial reaction to this revelation may have been something like what he feared, in that he was potentially adding major stress to their lives. Although it was also not as extreme as he imagined and she did not attempt to dismiss him or characterise his ambitions as unachievable.

  At least I didn’t pester you about the young hottie I fell in love with recently, he thought to himself, but decided an abbreviated version of the truth was more appropriate. Occasionally she would catch him smiling to himself and be slightly disturbed by it, but she could live with that.

  His intention was to be able to hand in his work’s notice some time in the summer; a plan and a timetable that might just be in place at the end of this holiday. So he envisioned returning to the streets of New York chasing a new horizon. Even though it might look the same he knew there was much go
ing on there and its story was changing all the time. The city never sleeps, so why should he? While he even suspected that Chloe might be secretly impressed with him, though for the most part she hid it well.

  Returning to his seat from having purchased two coffees and some soft drinks, Francis suddenly found that he was caught in a crowd of hurried passengers when one of the calls for departures was made over the speaker system. Narrowly he avoided losing some of the contents of his purchase before successfully negotiating his way to safety. His seat among his family and their baggage was then but a clear ten paces away, but for some reason he stopped as if there was something uncanny in the air. Soldiers have reported having a sixth sense that tells them when an enemy is watching them; he wasn’t a soldier but he was being watched, somehow he just knew it.

  To his left the last dregs of passengers were making their way onto the escalators that led to the final flight checks. It would have been easy to miss but one of the individuals in his peripheral vision was not hurrying along at all. Why he thought this important he could not afterwards say, but on turning his head he saw who it was. It was not an enemy; it was Sam.

  She stood at the foot of the escalator looking right at him. Clearly she’d seen him first and was hoping he would turn around. One day he would introduce her to his wife and children, but that was not a rushed conversation to have in the middle of an airport terminal. As usual they understood each other pretty well, but clearly she wanted him to see her before she left.

  Delighted to have caught his eye, Sam put her free hand up to wave while smiling with a joy that had been absent from her life too often. Francis smiled back and waved as best he could with his hands full, then watched her step onto the escalator and disappear from view. Curious, he then turned his attention to the Departures Board. This was surely the moment they had spoken of. Sam was heading off to exercise her love of nature and find that ‘sense of belonging’, but where too? Eventually, with a kind of happy jealousy, he saw that the destination was Hawaii. Sam, the nature lover, was heading to the island State that he knew to be so wondrous it was always where they choose to shoot the dinosaur movies. How such a trip had transpired he’d have to wait to find out, but the thought of her being in such a place filled him joy. The enchanted city girl upon an unspoiled isle, discovering just what a beautiful place the world could be and that there is a wide world out there beyond the city. As fabulous as New York can be.