What the Heart Desires

by Jaime Derelle

  ‘I see. Well, then I’m even more honored that you take the extra walk to come here. It was just a figure of speech really; a priest should have time for every Christian.’

  ‘Well, if you don’t mind.’

  ‘Don’t be silly. How about you help me light some candles while you let me know what’s on your mind?’

  ‘OK,’ she agreed, relieved that he was not in a rush to get to the point. He was as true as his word and had as much time for his parish as they needed.

  ‘It was a lovely sermon yesterday, well done again,’ she said, holding the first of two candles together and hoping she did not sound patronizing.

  ‘Thanks, I saw you there. In fact, I was sure I could hear you singing. Should you ever want a spot on the choir I think…’

  ‘What! Oh, my word no, I’m no singer,’ she replied, astounded. This time she knew she really was blushing, but at least, there was a good reason.

  ‘Ha! You’ve no idea how many times I’ve heard those words,’ he responded. ‘We take our choir very seriously. Believe me, if I thought you sounded like Marge Simpson, I wouldn’t have mentioned it.’

  ‘I’m far too shy. To do what you do, standing up in front of everyone, well I really respect that. You have both the nerve and the integrity, I think that’s a brilliant mix.’

  ‘Now now, let’s not make this about me. I was paying you a compliment; there aren’t many women I’ve met who are shy of accepting such a thing.’

  In response, all Kath could do was stand and smile. Did he have to be so kind? Happy as she was to admire him, the fear of developing a crush on a priest was surely an unwise complication to invite into her life, regardless of how utterly boring adult life had been.

  ‘So,’ he offered, at last, taking his time as if he was enjoying her smile (more dangerous thinking), ‘what is it I can help you with?’

  ‘Well, there are a couple of things.’

  ‘Tell me.’

  ‘Firstly – and I’m not really sure I’ve thought this through to be honest – but I’m just getting back in touch with my faith, and I feel compelled to do something, you know…’

  ‘More hands on?’

  ‘Exactly. I was thinking of some voluntary work or something but, as I say, I haven’t really weighed up my options. Neither do I know where to look.’

  ‘In terms of options, the best place to look and have a think these days is online. I can point you to a few websites…’

  ‘Oh, Priest–, John, I don’t have access to all that.’

  ‘That’s no problem, I can sort some print-offs for you; you can have a look and see what inspires you then we can probe a bit further.’

  ‘That would be terrific. I mean, there’s really no rush or anything.’

  ‘It will hardly take any time at all. I can have some stuff for you Sunday.’

  ‘Great! Thanks.’

  ‘No worries. What was the second thing?’

  ‘Erm… well, that’s more awkward.’

  ‘Now you really have me intrigued.’

  ‘Can I ask,’ she began, tentatively. ‘Did anyone tell you much about the other parishes around here before you started?’

  ‘Before I started? No, to be honest, I was a little out of touch with local life, being from the north side, but that’s part of the role, I guess; getting to know and understand the place.’

  ‘So you didn’t hear any stories about a Priest Robinson, from the West Roxbury parish?’

  ‘Robinson? The name rings a bell but, in truth, I couldn’t tell you why.’

  ‘Well – and please understand I’m not a spreader of rumors, I hardly talk to anyone.’ Why on earth say that to him? ‘It’s just that there have been stories for years about him having been chased out of his parish by false and vicious rumors.’

  ‘Is that so? If true, that’s shocking; fellow Christians behaving in such a way.’

  ‘Indeed and I’ve hoped for years they were untrue, but it doesn’t look that way.’

  ‘So, are you telling me this because there is something I can do about it, or…’

  On looking up into his eyes, Kath could see that he knew she was dying to tell him something, but just then a large group of visitors walked through the entrance and, without another word, they both decided it was just not the time.

  Instead, after helping the visitors with a few matters, Davey suggested they take a walk in the grounds, and so they found themselves out for a stroll among the tombstones under a clear winter sky. There was a chill in the air, but Kath realized she was pleased to be outside of church in order to voice such nasty goings on. Getting things out in the open is perhaps best done out in the open.

  ‘Yesterday I overheard two older gentlemen talking about giving you “the Robinson” treatment, once the service was over,’ she told him. It was difficult to do so, but she felt she could only be honest with him; no one had warned poor old Robinson.

  ‘The Robinson treatment, huh? Sounds official.’

  ‘Please don’t jump to any extreme conclusions. I might have gotten the wrong end of the stick and…’

  ‘No no – if I can be as honest with you as you’ve been with me, Kath – this makes perfect sense.’

  ‘It does?’

  ‘There’s been a strange undercurrent about some of our church meetings. It’s painfully obvious they don’t like new ideas, let’s put it that way.’

  ‘That’s just it; the clique that betrayed Robinson wanted things done in a particular way.’

  ‘And my task is to reach out to the community. Why do you think I was so pleased to see you and Annie? The church needs the younger generations.’

  ‘And you’re the perfect role model for that.’

  Kath had hoped for him to take this compliment in a good way but instead Davey failed to take his own advice.

  ‘I don’t know,’ he said, instead.

  There was something different about him now they were no longer within the church walls. Maybe he felt less like Priest Davey and more like John, but for sure his guard was down, and she was amazed to see him look… vulnerable.

  ‘When a priest doesn’t see eye-to-eye with his parish, maybe he’s fighting a losing battle. I’d hate to do more harm than good.’

  ‘You… you can’t give in,’ she urged, reaching out to him without disguising the worry in her voice. ‘You’re the best thing that’s happened around here in some time. If the people in your meetings are touchy, it’s probably because they know that. You’ve seen how packed the services have been; it isn’t too cynical to say it isn’t just because of their faith in God.’

  ‘Hmm, you’re kind,’ he replied, ‘but what you tell me is, even more, disturbing. Maybe the best way to prevent others losing their enthusiasm for the church is to make sure it doesn’t happen.’

  ‘Yes, but by standing firm and making sure the same doesn’t happen again. Not by giving in.’

  Chapter 5

  Davey had promised to think on all she said while Kath had tried to be as compelling as possible about the impact he was having and his importance… but she would walk home afraid. Although there was no doubt in her mind that she had done the right thing in telling him, it had become clear he was not as confident in his role as he appeared during sermon. She had given in to the draw of the church only to find its comfort balancing on a knife edge. Could her renewed commitment to faith survive seeing Priest Davey chased out of his parish, just as the kind and gentle Robinson had before him? She didn’t think it would. Faith in church was faith in a higher meaning; how could she sit and practice its message if she knew that hypocrites were running the show.

  Something needed to be done. She had no idea what but thought deeply on the matter all the way home – only to find a situation many times more complicated when she got there.

  ‘Open up,’ a voice cried out, ‘we can always just wait for the cops to arrive but then you might face arrest as well.’

  The moment had come earlier than expected and th
e debt collectors were outside her front door when she got home. She could not decide whether it was more or less problematic that Ryan, unusually, happened to be in. Certainly it made the whole approach far more fraught than it would otherwise had been, although surely their threat to enter the property by force was overhanded at this stage.

  If she was indoors Kath’s nerves would probably have been on edge at the idea of five large males threatening to enter and take all the furniture, but something about witnessing the scene from outside made her feel detached from all the aggravation.

  ‘What on earth are you doing?’ she asked them.

  At first, they ignored her until she had convinced them she was responsible for the property. After that, it became clear that they were probably far more comfortable dealing with angry males because they did not quite know how to respond to straightforward questions.

  ‘We’re chasing a three thousand dollar credit card debt from a Mr. Ryan Peters,’ one of them said to her.

  ‘And what does that have to do with the owner of the house?’

  ‘You the owner?’

  ‘No, my father’s the owner. The man shouting at you from the window is his son.’

  ‘Well, then he owes three thousand dollars.’

  ‘And what makes you think you can enter the house because of that? Ryan Peters only lives there; he doesn’t own it.’ He did own much of the valuables in the house – what valuables there were anyway – but she was careful not to mention this point.

  Having decided to try her wits upon them, but without much optimism, Kath ended up astonishing herself when her words appeared to have an instant effect on the five burly guys. Three of them – who she presumed were the brains of the bunch – went into a type of huddle before coming to an agreement that the issue would indeed have to wait for another day. They never gave her the exact details but apparently there was some kind of grey area around the taking of items from a home that was owned by someone other than the individual in arrears. They left her with some paperwork and very little courtesy, but they left all the same. No doubt they would be looking into what paperwork or authority they did need and could yet be back another day, but Kath had held back the storm with something other than a baseball bat, which she found Ryan wielding once the removal van the men drove was far enough away to convince her she could open the door.

  ‘Wow, that’s genius thinking, Ryan,’ she said, not holding back on the sarcasm. ‘Not only would we lose all our possessions but you’d end up in a cell for assault. Wouldn’t mother be proud!’

  ‘What did you say to them?’ he asked, a puzzled expression plastered all over his features.

  ‘I used a bit of wit, is all. Apparently they can’t take the stuff here because dad owns the house. Doesn’t mean you don’t still owe three big ones, though, bruv. Sorry to break it to you but I don’t think I’m going to get you out of that one.’

  ‘What’s going on with you, sis?’ he then asked. ‘You even look different.’

  ‘How nice of you to notice after two weeks,’ she replied though he probably still didn’t know what she meant. ‘I’ll tell you what’s going on with me,’ she continued, with the unusual bonus of his undivided attention, ‘I’m getting out. I don’t know how, I don’t know when, but whatever future you’ve got planned for you and your kids you’d better start realizing pretty soon because I’m not going to be your chamber maid for much longer.’

  Her words hit home, but only temporarily. For sure the way she had dealt with the bailiffs had surprised him, but once additional issues were at stake he was once again able to reach for his manipulative instincts.

  ‘You’ll never leave, Kath,’ he told her. ‘You know why, you’ll never leave the kids or dad.’

  She was standing at the kitchen sink already and had her back to him. Yes, she was doing his chores still, but she wasn’t going to let him off scot free anymore.

  ‘Is that your way of saying, “Thank-you for your hard work, sis. We can’t live without your help.” Your sentiment really touches me, brother.’

  ‘You got a fella or something?’ he then asked her.

  ‘No,’ she replied, firmly.

  ‘Sure would explain why you have that stuff on your face.’

  ‘I’ve been to church is all.’

  ‘Well if I find you have, and he’s been filling your head full of nonsense, be warned. You might just see an uglier side of me.’

  ‘It gets worse does it?’

  ‘You’re damn right.’

  ‘If I was you I’d figure out a way of paying your debts, Ryan. I’d sooner my nephews didn’t have to visit their father in prison.’

  That exchange with her brother might have been full of implied threats, but Kath was no longer taking him seriously. He might be the architect of his own downfall, but no one else if she could help it. Where exactly she was getting this new-found confidence from she could not say and was worried about being deluded. Everything seemed poised for cataclysm, but at least, she felt like herself for the first time in over a decade. The problems ahead were complex and many, but who knew how the world would respond when she applied her will. She would be a slave to circumstance no longer but seek every minute of every day to affect what was happening for the better. What was it Ryan said when watching the football? ‘Make a play and it might just pay off.’ She would find out if her plays were better than his and, when she was not pursuing an aim directly; she was thinking upon them, and it was this that led her to the library the following day for some research.

  College felt like a long time ago now, and the family had never been able to stretch to having the Internet at home, or any kind of computer through which to access the web. She thought she had just enough knowledge to get by, however, and more or less proved herself right when attempting so – with a little help from some kind youngsters.

  In this Kath was not embarrassed. If they found her amusing, the results were worth it, because she was able to ascertain who Priest Davey’s (she still thought of him as Priest Davey) superiors were and had come up with an idea to try and help his plight.

  Sending a letter praising his abilities might have been too obvious and done more harm than good. Instead, what she did was send a letter of enquiry concerning the appalling treatment of Priest Robinson a decade previously. Although she had no idea what had become of Robinson, she explained in the letter that she was writing as a matter of conscience – surely religious people would understand that – and seeking a response that established whether or not the wider church was aware of what Robinson had been put through and whether there were safeguards against it happening again.

  Explaining that she had recently reconnected to her faith, Kath referred to the treatment of Robinson as being instrumental in causing her to turn her back on the church (not completely untrue, just not the complete truth) and ended by touching upon a hope that no such slander would again be successful in removing an innocent priest from their position. Nowhere did she mention Davey but she hoped the sentiment would have some impact if similar ugly tactics were about to be adopted by the bitter clique.

  Two weeks passed, and anxiety replaced determination, however. Davey had been absent from Sunday Service, it was said because of a bad cold, but Kath could not help be afraid that religious politics was going on behind the scenes, and she could do nothing about it. A deep winter chill had set about the whole of Boston, and she feared the fire in her heart might go cold if the fragile sense of belonging she had found was to be so easily slaked. The birds of ill omen were gathering; whispering at the church and at home too. Even her father she caught having a sly word with Ryan before she served them dinner one day.

  ‘If you’re going to have your first thought in five years, dad, don’t keep it from me,’ she said, but a familiar blank face soon returned and whatever his thought had been remained ambiguous other than the fact that it was clearly about her.

  Kath feared two events during this time. She feared hearing that P
riest Davey had moved on or been cast aside and would no longer be found at St Bartholomew’s. She also feared the day her soul finally gave in and fell back once more into the lot that had already been long in place. Dare to dream for a while and you will regret it, she had once warned herself before getting completely carried away. How long before that day arrived? Days, weeks, months or years? And would the waiting be worse than the reality?

  In Annie, one lesser fear did come true, on the other hand. The fear that she would break down and lose all sense of cool in front of her friend. This happened as February arrived and Davey had still not returned to church. Kath told her all about the letter she had written and her fears that the same had already happened as had with Robinson. Tears flowed as the wine steadily disappeared and she apologized again and again that she was making a fool of herself, but it made no difference.

  ‘Listen,’ eventually, Annie gave in and some attempt at offering words of wisdom were imminent, ‘I gotta tell you some home truths, girl. I’ve been putting them off, but they’re now as plain to see as the wet nose on your face.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ Kath responded, wiping tears from her cheeks at the same time. ‘Since when have you ever held back from telling it as it is?’

  ‘Ha! You got that right, Kath. Usually I am pretty awful, but this time, I’ve been afraid to say anything, what with him being a priest and all that – I know they’re not necessarily celibate, but I don’t know how all that is supposed to work.’

  ‘What in the Lord’s name are you going on about?’

  ‘Your priest friend, Kath. Isn’t it obvious?’

  ‘…’

  ‘You’re in love with him; written all over your face, girl.’

  ‘What?’ Kath almost spilled her wine as she struggled to put her response in order, ‘Annie, after all, I’ve told you, and you have to jump to such conclusions. John is responsible for…’

  ‘Oh, John is it?’

  ‘Yes, Priest Davey, I have him to thank for reconnecting with my faith – I mean I have you to thank for that too – but he’s played a big part as well and now if he gets kicked out for no reason then…’