Be Calm

by Jill Weber

  Go Deeper

  Challenging Overgeneralization

  Perhaps you’re recognizing some of your anxious thinking represents overgeneralization. Nonetheless, you still can’t get the fear or thought out of your mind. Start challenging those overgeneralizations. When you hit a setback, ask yourself the following questions—and write your responses down, if you can.

  1.Can you think of a time in the past when your conclusion has not been true?

  2.Can you imagine a time or instance in the future when your conclusion may not be true?

  3.How probable, from 0 to 100 percent, do you feel it is that the fear you’re thinking about is going to actually happen?

  4.What do you gain by believing this thought? For example, do you believe it keeps you safe in some way?

  5.What consequences may come from believing this thought? For example, will you give up trying to get what you desire, allowing a self-fulfilling prophecy to result?

  STRATEGY: SPOT OVERGENERALIZING

  As we’ve seen, our worries and catastrophic thoughts often repeat. We sometimes have new ones, but generally similar ones repeat over time and reflect the core beliefs we hold about ourselves. Open your notebook back to the thoughts recorded earlier in this chapter.

  Underline or put a checkmark by the thoughts that reflect a tendency to overgeneralize. Clues that you might be overgeneralizing include:

  •Taking one example of something upsetting and believing that example will occur again and again in a variety of contexts.

  •Extreme language: “This always happens,” “It will never be okay,” “No one will ever like me,” “I’ll never win,” “I am always the slowest,” “I’m the dumb one.”

  •When you hit a setback or receive negative feedback, you have thoughts about giving up and putting less effort in to reach your goals.

  STRATEGY: STOP UNDERESTIMATING YOUR COMPETENCE

  Try this visualization exercise:

  1.Think through one of your more upsetting thoughts or worst-case scenarios. In your mind’s eye, play out the details of what you fear as if it is really happening. Imagine where you are, whom you are interacting with, or what news you’re getting.

  2.Now imagine your worst-case blocks, setbacks, or embarrassments, but visualize yourself effectively coping with what you’re feeling or the other feared obstacles.

  3.Instead of freaking out, giving up, or becoming painfully uncomfortable with anxiety or fear, you stick with the situation. You challenge yourself to find a way to effectively deal with your biggest fear.

  4.Imagine you use a strategy (take a few deep breaths, use internal supportive language, remind yourself of your larger goals) and it works. You show yourself that you can cope. You find a way through the circumstances and emerge in a more comfortable and thoughtful place.

  Practice this exercise and you will be much better equipped to deal with the real thing.

  WRAP-UP

  •Become an observer of, not a reactor to, your thoughts.

  •Keep a thought record to develop awareness of your anxious-thought patterns.

  •Make anxious thoughts less threatening by identifying errors in thinking, core beliefs, worry triggers, and overgeneralizations.

  •Increase your awareness for problem-solving versus unproductive worry.

  •When anxious about a future possibility, ask yourself, “Am I underestimating my competence and/or overgeneralizing?”

  CHAPTER NINE

  Getting Unstuck from Thoughts

  Changing Your Self-Talk

  Anxiety increases in intensity when a person’s internal narrative is filled with harsh judgments around good and bad, right and wrong. What we say to ourselves influences how we think about ourselves, what we communicate to others, and how much we believe in our competence and worth. Anxiety is further amplified when a person’s internal narrative is overloaded with generalizations—always, never, forever, everything, nothing. Consider which of the following two statements is laden with greater intensity:

  1.“I suck, I’ll never get a life.”

  2.“I’m lonely and need to work on building social skills.”

  The latter is hopeful. It acknowledges the emotion but also identifies a specific skill that could be developed to help with the feeling of loneliness.

  If you’re struggling with anxiety, there’s a strong chance your internal commentary is overly critical and harsh. But perhaps your anxious thoughts and behaviors about situations and events have more to do with the critical reaction you anticipate from others, and less to do with the situations themselves.

  Imagine a friend who, every time you hit a setback, tells you what you did to cause the problem and reminds you of all the times in the past you did the same “bad” thing. That is likely how you’re treating yourself. People who make us feel good about ourselves and comfortable being ourselves are the ones we are most at ease with. Start relating to yourself in the way a warm, kind friend or family member would. Changing the voice in your head to be more self-supportive and nurturing will give you a bit of comfort—or padding, if you will—when negative, anxious thoughts kick in.

  STRATEGY: BECOME AWARE OF YOUR SELF-TALK

  How we speak to ourselves has a significant impact on anxiety. Yet we let our anxious self-talk play out again and again on autopilot. Think about the following questions regarding your self-talk so you can make the voice in your head more nurturing and less judgmental.

  •What is the tone of your internal dialogue? Is it loud and impatient, or is it warm and tolerant of what’s going on with you and your immediate world?

  •When you’re upset, does your internal voice try to soothe you? Or does it use intense/judgmental language that makes you feel worse, such as, “That was bad,” “You suck,” “You’re never going to get this right,” “People hate you,” “You’re a loser.”

  •Does your internal voice take away your moments of joy? When you’re happy or feel at ease, does your voice intrude, telling you things you need to work on, tasks that need to be accomplished, or fearful possibilities?

  •Are there certain tasks, hobbies, or people that bring out a kinder, warmer side of you, where your internal voice seems softer, less critical? If so, these are the things you should do more of and the types of relationships you should cultivate. If not, experiment with different activities and people to find those that bring out your softer side.

  Cultivate your capacity for ease and calm, and encourage self-talk that is compassionate and forgiving. Self-compassion means showing yourself a warm understanding of your perceived inadequacies, including your struggle with anxiety. Forgiveness means voicing a kinder internal monologue when you encounter a setback or notice your shortcomings.

  STRATEGY: PINK UNICORNS

  Write a few sentences about developing compassionate self-talk while not thinking about pink unicorns. Whatever you do, stick to the task of writing about developing a compassionate internal narrative, but make sure NOT to think about pink unicorns. Pink unicorns should be nowhere in your mind when you do this task. Each time you think about a pink unicorn, mark an X in your notebook.

  How did it go? Were you able to not think of pink unicorns? Probably you were not and here’s why: Telling ourselves to not think about something has entirely the opposite effect. This is partly why it’s so frustrating when we’re upset and a well-meaning friend or loved one says, “Stop thinking about that,” or “Everything is fine, stop worrying.”

  Daniel Wegner, a renowned social psychologist in thought suppression at Harvard University, asked lab participants to verbally share their thoughts while being sure to not call to mind the thought of a white bear. The participants were asked to ring a bell each time they thought of a white bear. Even though they were instructed to push away the thought, on average, they brought to mind the thought of a white bear more than once per minute.

  When we suppress thoughts, we essentially tell ourselves to “stop thinking about that!” The mind th
en monitors itself for each time it does think about “that” and then brings “that” to our conscious awareness. Instead of criticizing yourself to stop thinking or worrying about this or that, consider challenging the thoughts that bring on anxiety.

  STRATEGY: REPLACE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS

  When you have a thought that keeps repeating in your internal narrative, pull out this thought record.

  1.What triggered the thought? What were you doing or imagining when the thought occurred to you?

  Example: Considering an invitation to a neighborhood potluck.

  2.What is the thought(s) that accompanies this trigger?

  Example: “No one will talk to me.” “I’ll feel like an outsider.” “I’ll feel insecure.”

  3.Label the emotion(s) you feel when you have these thoughts and the intensity of each emotion on a scale of 1 (less intensity) to 10 (extreme intensity).

  Example: “Inadequate: 5, weak: 6, anxious: 9, dread: 9.”

  4.Is there anything that is not supportive of the thought(s) in #2?

  Example: “They invited me to the party, so someone wants me there.” “I do make small talk with the neighbors from time to time.” “I live in the same neighborhood, so we at least have that in common.”

  5.Can you think of a replacement thought that might be less negative but still realistic?

  Example: “Even if people aren’t including me in every conversation, I was invited, and I live in the same neighborhood so I’m not a total outsider.”

  6.Revisit the feelings listed in #3. Rate each one when keeping this new thought in mind. Recognize if the feeling(s) decreased in intensity, even if only by a notch or two.

  Example: “Inadequate: 2, weak: 5, anxious: 7, dread: 7.”

  Each time the negative thought enters your conscious awareness, compassionately acknowledge it: “I see you, negative thinking.” Then bring to mind a more realistic thought: “Well, at least they invited me.”

  Problem-Solving

  In psychology, the tendency to work through negative events by replaying them again and again in one’s mind is called rumination. Rumination refers to internally focusing on anxiety/upset, as well as all the reasons, causes, future possibilities, or risks that could occur due to this distress. An example might be sitting alone, thinking about feeling behind your peers academically and employment wise. Then your mind turns to worrying the situation will never improve and imagining a future of always feeling inadequate and professionally lacking. Next, you self-criticize about why this happened in the first place. And then you may begin to look for ways to avoid people who might ask questions about what you do for a living or where you went to college.

  Many people worry because they believe they are problem-solving and engaging in a constructive process about the issues they face. Reminding yourself of what is or could be of concern comes to be seen as a way of avoiding denial and catastrophe.

  In fact, rumination is essentially a passive process that leads only to more anxious thinking. Overthinking, alone in your mind, leaves no room for other perspectives or effective problem-solving.

  Go Deeper

  Brainstorming

  Take a more active, direct approach to working through your worries. Brainstorming is a technique whereby you take the pressure off yourself by acknowledging that there is no “correct” decision to make or a “right” way to solve your issue.

  1.Pick an issue that you worry about on a regular basis or a new worry that has come to mind. Write down a few sentences about the area of concern.

  2.Now write down as many ideas as you can think of for how you could manage the issue. Pay no mind to how outlandish or impractical the ideas might be. There are no rules other than to let the creative juices flow.

  3.The goal here is to open up your process and escape repetitive thought patterns. In fact, try to think of ridiculous solutions. This can actually reduce the seriousness you may feel about the particular worry. One client I worked with was struggling with how to deal with a difficult roommate and came up with the thought, “Every time she annoys me I’m going to make a joke.” At first this seemed silly to her, but the idea worked because it decreased her tension and helped her not take the roommate so seriously.

  4.Once you have a number of various solutions, think how each possible solution would help or hinder the problem. Some things will feel impossible and others will feel as if they barely help. Pick one that is reasonably doable.

  5.Then take an actionable step; actively do something to relieve your anxiety over this particular issue.

  STRATEGY: UN-LEARN HELPLESSNESS

  Whenever you find yourself anxious or worried, notice if you’re feeling that life and others are against you. Even if your blame is warranted, wallowing in it is not going to help you achieve your goals or make you feel any better. What will help you feel better is focusing on what is within your control. Letting go of feeling at the mercy of life or circumstance creates a feeling of safety and calmness. Here is a way to no longer face hardship with helplessness:

  1.Pick an anxious thought or worry trigger.

  2.Recognize the thoughts that keep you in a helpless state over this particular worry: “I’ll never find a way,” “It will always be like this.”

  3.Come up with three actionable steps you can take and that are within your control.

  4.Take action.

  For example, Layla was anxious about an upcoming wedding she had to attend. She had lost touch with many of the folks invited to the wedding and felt overwhelmed by worries over what they would think of her and how she would be socially on the outside. In order to move away from wallow and worry toward healthy control, she asked herself what she could do to improve the situation.

  •Reach out to old friends before the wedding. Text, call, write a note.

  Layla connected a bit before the event and even video chatted with one friend.

  •Imagine the day going the way you would like it to.

  Layla visualized herself the day of the wedding being present and in the moment. She imagined awkward encounters, or even feeling on the outside, but in her visualization, she was able to cope and manage the situation effectively. She visualized feeling proud of herself at the end of the event.

  •Practice deep breathing, yoga, or mindfulness meditation.

  Layla practiced mindful breathing for 10 minutes a day leading up to the event.

  IMPORTANT NOTE: An actionable item can be accepting a situation as it is and doing nothing. Then each time the fear comes to mind, practice acceptance instead of rumination.

  STRATEGY: COST-BENEFIT ANALYSIS (OF YOUR ANXIOUS MIND-SET)

  Sometimes, clearly seeing the consequences for you of a worried mind-set can motivate you to let go of the worry and come back to the present moment. With this goal in mind, conduct a cost-benefit analysis of how beneficial it is to you to continue to experience anxiety over whatever it is you’re ruminating or obsessing on. Write out the consequences and benefits of worrying about a specific issue.

  Example:

  Costs to keeping anxiety a focus

  I’m removed from the present.

  I feel bad.

  I’m keyed up and physically ill at ease.

  I’m stuck.

  Benefit to keeping anxiety a focus

  I won’t be surprised if the bad thing I worry about happens.

  I will be vigilant, which protects me.

  Decide which cost you’re most willing to accept and which option brings you closer to your long-term goal of having more peace and less anxiety in your life.

  NOTE: It can be quite effective to examine the costs and benefits after anxiety has lessened. Once the intensity decreases, your brain has the bandwidth to problem solve and take on a broader perspective.

  You Are Not Your Thoughts

  While visiting an amusement park with my young son, I became highly anxious over his enthusiastic desire for me to accompany him on an old, rickety roller coaster. As he happily pul
led me into the line, worried thoughts gripped me: “It’s rickety and old, what if it jumps the track?” “What if the harness breaks when it goes upside down?” “What if the safety mechanisms fail?” “What if they haven’t kept up with standards and regulations?” “What if . . . What if . . . What if . . . ” Within a matter of minutes, I fully believed catastrophe would strike if we rode the roller coaster. I wanted to stop us both from taking the plunge.

  Suddenly, as if waking from a trance, I saw the ride operator open the door to our roller coaster car and we hopped aboard. As the machine accelerated, the fearful thoughts began to retreat into the background of my awareness. There was an opening now for more than worry.

  I became aware of my son’s liveliness and pure elation. Seeing him throw his hands up in the air, laughing and smiling. I felt it, too; it was exhilarating to go against my fearful thoughts. The thoughts were not gone, but I was no longer a captive of them. I was energized. I was present. I was in the moment. I was a person who, along with worried thoughts, was having a thrilling, memorable experience.

  Similar to watching an engrossing movie, a particular thought stream has the potential to pull us in so entirely that there is no “us” separate from those thoughts. The thoughts become all-powerful, making choices for us, limiting our experiences, telling us what’s right and what’s wrong. It’s only through breaking the trance that we can come to see the nature of things as they truly are.

  Our brains supply us with an inordinate number of thoughts, many of which are unhelpful and even downright inaccurate. Taking each one seriously would be like visiting a beautiful beach and spending the entire time counting the grains of sand.

  Perhaps up until this point, you’ve not even considered your thoughts as anything other than a literal reflection of your reality. When a thought enters, you take it seriously. You feel it, you worry about it, and perhaps even begin to plan based on it. Accepting thoughts at face value leads to fusing your identity with whatever you’re thinking in a particular moment.