Love Me Always

by Marie Higgins

  Hesitantly, she moved closer and rested her hand on his chest. His arm tightened around her, and underneath her palm, the erratic beat of his heart matched the rhythm of hers. Her breathing turned harsh and shallow. His sounded the same.

  She couldn’t stand any more of this silence. Something needed to happen or needed to be said soon to break the incredible mood.

  “Nicholas?” Her voice shook.

  “Yes?”

  Now what should she say? “I – I wanted to let you know I had a wonderful time with you today. Thank you for teaching me how to shop.”

  “The pleasure was all mine.”

  “Shhh…” She placed her fingers on his mouth. “We’ll wake your aunt.”

  “Not to worry, Kitty.” He took her hand away. “When she’s asleep, not even a building crumbling down beside her can wake her.”

  She dropped her hand to her lap. Silence filled the air once again. Why didn’t he want to talk? But she wouldn’t give up.

  “Did you find the man you needed inside the club tonight?” she asked in a whisper. She glanced at Gertrude. By the way she snored and lay against the corner of the seat, Catherine didn’t expect the woman to come out of her deep sleep anytime soon. Perhaps Nick was correct that the woman slept like the dead.

  “Yes.” His voice remained low.

  “Who was it?”

  “One of my business partners.”

  “Oh.”

  His chest shook as if he were chuckling then his chest rose and fell in a deep breath. “Forgive me, Catherine, but I haven’t been honest with you. I didn’t go into the club to see anyone. I went inside to clear my mind.”

  Moving slightly, she lifted her head to look at him. He was closer now, and the dim light from the lantern made his eyes so intoxicating...so irresistibly dreamy.

  “Why did you need to do that?” she asked.

  His gaze softened. “In hopes of getting my thoughts off a certain woman.”

  Catherine was drawn to him. She couldn’t pull away even if she wanted. His gaze had bewitched her.

  “Why?” she asked again.

  He shook his head. “No more talking, Kitty. I think you should rest.” He reached the lamp and turned it down until shadows filled the coach. Only the smallest flicker of light shown.

  “But I don’t want to rest. Please tell me.”

  Silence filled the air – except for Aunt Gertrude’s snores. Finally, Nick adjusted himself on the seat, turning her way a little more. His fingers breezed by her cheek and he stroked the pad of his thumb across her bottom lip. Tingles cascaded over her. She wanted to sigh and lean into him. And may the Lord help her because she wanted to kiss him. Even through the shadows, she detected a lazy smile touching his mouth.

  “Why do you ask so many questions?” he asked in a low voice. “Don’t you know when to keep your mouth closed? Don’t you know what happens to me every time you open those lips of yours?”

  Her heart jumped to her throat and she could hardly breathe, but right now, she didn’t care. All she wanted was one thing, and talking wasn’t it. “What’s that? What happens to you?”

  Groaning, he brought his mouth down and covered hers. She sucked in a quick breath, but when his arms circled her body, she leaned into him. The kiss was so very soft, so very sweet, as if he took the time to get to know her lips.

  Timidly she slid her arms around his neck, not wanting to let go. His embrace was strong. Tight. Almost as if he were afraid she’d leave. Threading her fingers through his hair, she caressed its silkiness.

  Nick’s hands drew circles on her back, stroking up and down her arms. Within seconds, his hands changed direction and moved up to bracket her face. The frantic rhythm of her heart beat against her ribs. This was wrong, but she couldn’t stop him...not yet.

  “Ah, Nicholas.”

  “What?” His hot breath breezed across her face.

  “I cannot believe this is happening.”

  “Do you want me to stop?”

  “No, although I know it’s wrong, nothing has ever felt so right.”

  As he placed his mouth over hers again, the coach jerked to a stop. Nick pulled away and turned to tug back the curtain on the window. He heaved a heavy groan, then quickly moved away from her to the other side of the coach.

  Her heart sank. They were home.

  Losing his nearness was what snapped Catherine out of her confused state of mind. She glanced at Gertrude, who thankfully, hadn’t moved and continued to snore.

  As Catherine gathered her shawl around her shoulders, she looked at Nick, but he wouldn’t meet her eyes. His forehead was creased, his lips in a straight line. Oh, no. She’d made him mad again.

  After the coachman opened the door, Nick climbed out then offered his hand for Catherine and helped her down.

  “What about Miss Gertrude?” she asked.

  “Not to worry. I’ll wake her. You go on inside.”

  The coachman carried Catherine’s packages to her room where her maid took over. Emily helped Catherine undress into her nightgown, then she dismissed her maid. Catherine slipped into her wrapper and sat at her vanity table, staring at herself in the mirror as she brushed her long hair.

  Memories of the day and especially the night played through her head, and she could see how she ended up kissing Nick. It was almost inevitable, yet it shouldn’t have happened, nor should it ever happen again.

  It wasn’t really his fault. It was hers. If she didn’t have those tingling sensations every time he touched her then maybe she wouldn’t fall so easily into his arms. On the other hand, if he hadn’t flirted with her the way he had, and said the things he’d said, then maybe she wouldn’t feel this way about him.

  A knock rapped upon the door.

  Without getting up, she called out, “Come in.” In her state of confusion, she wondered why Emily knocked in the first place.

  Placing her head in her hands, she squeezed her eyes closed while her fingers massaged her temples. How could she avoid another situation like tonight when she longed to be with Nick, but knew she couldn’t?

  “I see you feel the same way about this evening as I,” Nick said in a brusque voice.

  She jumped and swung in her seat to face him. His jacket and waistcoat were gone, as well as his cravat. The collar of his shirt was unbuttoned. Her heart hammered in a fierce beat.

  “What...do you...mean?” Her voice squeaked.

  “I mean you look just as torn apart as I feel. Should I assume you’re regretting the actions that were taken tonight in the coach?”

  She lowered her gaze to the floor and wrung her hands against her middle. “Yes, I feel extremely guilty.”

  “Good. I’m relieved I’m not the only one who is miserable.” He lifted his hand and that’s when she noticed her bonnet.

  “You left this in the coach,” he said before tossing it onto the bed.

  She took a deep breath, stood and faced him. The low fire from the hearth behind her warmed her limbs. “Nick, you must believe I’m very sorry about what happened—”

  He took five steps and was in front of her, grabbing her arms and pulling her against his chest. “Catherine—” He groaned in between clenched teeth. “You have to stay away from me. I’m not as strong as you seem to think.”

  The tone of his voice and the strained look on his face frightened her. “I – I don’t understand.”

  “Stop it, Kitty.” His voice turned harsh and he pushed his hands through his hair. “Stop making me feel this way. I don’t like these games, and you’ll soon find out if you play with me, I play to win.”

  Tears gathered in her eyes and she shook her head, folding her arms. “Nick, I still don’t know why you’re angry with me right now. What am I doing wrong?”

  He closed his eyes. “You’re doing nothing wrong, yet everything you do is wrong.”

  Groaning, he bent his head and kissed her mouth, then as quickly as it started, he stopped and stepped away. “Catherine, as much as it kills
me to say this, you have to stay away from me. Do you understand? I don’t want you near me ever again.” He turned and stormed to the door, exiting quickly.

  She stood frozen, yet she shook from their brief moment. The tears gathering in her eyes fell down her cheeks. She ran to the bed and flung herself upon it as she sobbed. Punching her fist into the pillow, she cried harder.

  Why was life so complicated?

  Chapter Nine

  The sun peaked on the horizon, lighting Catherine’s room. She hadn’t slept hardly a wink during the night, so was aware when morning came. The sound of a carriage pulling in front of the drive outside her window alerted her visitors. This early in the morning, she thought. Impossible. Several voices were raised in anger, which brought her out of bed. She hurried to the window to see what was happening.

  Nick stood beside the carriage talking to Gregg as servants strapped luggage to the back of the vehicle. Her heart dropped.

  Gregg and Nick continued to converse in loud voices before Nick finally threw up his hands and snapped before climbing in the conveyance. Gregg shook his head and bolted up the porch stairs back into the house.

  Tears filled her eyes as she watched the carriage leave. He was going because of her.

  Disheartening emotion tightened her chest and she slugged back to the bed. By now she would have thought she had no tears left to cry, but the moisture streaming down her cheeks proved otherwise. How could she take everything back from the way she acted last night? How could she make things different between them?

  The truth slapped her right in the face. She couldn’t change anything. Nick’s leaving was the best course of action.

  Without calling for Emily, she dressed and wandered to the breakfast room. Only Gregg sat at the table as he stared at his eggs, wearing a fierce scowl. When he saw her, his face relaxed and he smiled.

  “Catherine, you are awake early.” He jumped from his seat and hurried around the table to pull out her chair.

  “Yes. I could not sleep another minute. Although I suspect by midmorning, I will be ready for a nap.”

  His expression grew serious as he studied her. He frowned. “Will you tell me what’s wrong?”

  She offered her best smile under the stressful circumstances and sat. “Nothing is wrong.”

  Tenderly, he stroked her cheek. “You cannot lie to me.”

  As much as she wanted someone to talk to, Gregg wasn’t the person. However, she must say something so he’d quit prodding. She hated to lie, but no way could anyone know her true feelings.

  She pulled away from his touch and scooted closer to the table. “I had a sleepless night. For some reason, I kept dreaming about...when my mother died.”

  He walked to his seat and picked up his plate and tea then walked back to her and sat beside her. She hoped he believed her, because he still looked at her as if he was trying to read her mind.

  “I’m sorry to hear that.” He rubbed her hand. “Did something happen in town yesterday make you think of her?”

  “No...well, except Miss Gertrude. Your aunt is such a sweet woman, treating me like her own daughter. I think that may have been the reason for my dreams.”

  “Do you want to talk about it?”

  She shook her head. “Thank you for offering, but no. I would like to put the past where it belongs...behind me.” She took a deep breath. “Tell me, did I hear Nick leaving this morning?”

  Once again, Gregg’s scowl returned. “Yes.”

  “Why does it have you so upset?”

  He shrugged, picked up his drink and took a sip. “My older brother has always upset me at one time or another. Today is no different.”

  “When will he return?” She tried not to allow her voice to shake, although emotion clogged her throat.

  “I don’t know his schedule. He says he has business to take care of, but I happen to think our uncle’s health should be more important to him.” He set the drink on the table then met her stare. “Don’t you agree?”

  “Yes. How is your uncle today? Any better?”

  “Slightly. The few times he awoke yesterday, he asked about you.” He smiled. “He worried that you wouldn’t have a good time with Nick.”

  She forced a small laugh. “I almost didn’t. Your brother was quite the bear yesterday morning.”

  “Yes, I noticed. I hope he came around during the day.” He scowled again. “If not, I shall have to teach him a quick lesson in manners.”

  She tapped his shoulder and smiled. “Not to worry, Gregg. Nick gave us an entertaining day.”

  “Good to hear.”

  Soon Ian came in for breakfast, and the conversation turned. When the two brothers started discussing gaming tables again, she smiled. “Gregg?”

  “Yes?”

  “Now that Nick isn’t here, will you finish telling me about the game with you and Lord Lockton? I’m most eager to hear who won.”

  Both Gregg and Ian laughed. Gregg nodded, his eyes gleaming with kindness. “I’d love to.”

  As he related the story, she noticed a different look in his eyes. No longer did he gaze on her like a cherished friend. Instead... She swallowed hard. Could that be attraction she detected in his expression? She hoped not!

  “...And I won.” He grinned wide. “Lockton was extremely upset. Everyone at the table knew the man was a sore loser.” Gregg shrugged. “Then again, he did bet a lot of money and lost. I think I’d be upset, as well.”

  “I’m quite certain I would be, also.” Although she should say something about the sin of gambling, she didn’t have the energy.

  Once again, the topic of conversation changed and she was able to finish her breakfast. Weariness consumed her, and she hoped this time she’d be able to sleep.

  After making her excuses, she left the table and wandered back to her room. The moment she entered, images of Nick filled her head of when he was here last night...of him yelling at her, accusing her of things she had no control over.

  Releasing a heavy sigh, she dragged herself to the bed and lay down. Even as tired as she was, sleep wouldn’t be forthcoming yet.

  * * * *

  A week passed in misery.

  Catherine tried to get her mind off Nick, but it was impossible. Gregg and Ian tried as well by taking her horseback riding every morning after breakfast. That helped a little, but not as much as she wanted.

  As each night grew into day, her chest tightened with uncertainty. She wanted to see Nick desperately then scolded herself for not having better control. However, she couldn’t let it go on like this. She must talk to him. Perhaps she was the one who needed to leave instead of Nick. His uncle needed him right now.

  Before she could talk herself out of it, she gave Nick’s servant a missive to have him deliver it to Nick. Still, days dragged together and she didn’t think she’d ever hear from him.

  Today’s weather made riding perfect, and regardless of her broken heart, she would enjoy the outing. She pulled on her gloves and tightened her bonnet before joining the brothers out by the stables. Mrs. Berkley sat straight on her mount, chin erect. Her ever-present, arched-brow gaze followed Catherine.

  She wanted to groan in distaste. She feared that woman still hadn’t forgiven her for chasing after Catherine when she raced Gregg and Ian not too long ago.

  Gregg helped Catherine onto her horse. Once again, she detected a glimmer of interest in his eyes, and the tender way he touched made her pause. She hoped her mind played tricks on her because she didn’t want Gregg’s affection in that way.

  Gregg led the four of them for the first little while, trotting as they bantered back and forth. Soon their excursion picked up speed. Once again, Mrs. Berkley trailed behind, being hit in the face from the dust kicked up from the horses.

  Catherine grinned as she caught up to Gregg. He glanced at her over his shoulder and gave her a wink.

  “Dare to race me?”

  She shook her head. “I think Mrs. Berkley will resign her post and never speak to me
again.”

  He glanced back at the older woman. “I don’t believe she will. She hasn’t left yet, and it’s not because you haven’t really tried either.”

  She laughed. “Gregg, you are simply horrid.” She reached over and slapped his arm. “I haven’t tried.”

  “No? Your actions speak loudly, my dear.”

  He joined in with the humorous situation, but within seconds, joy left his face and worried lines creased his brow. Gripping the reins, he tugged, urging the horse to go slower.

  When his saddle slipped, she realized his concern. She yanked on her reins to slow her horse beside him. Reaching out, she tried to grasp his arm. The saddle slipped more and he slid to the right.

  “Gregg,” she screamed.

  He jerked the reins one last time and finally the horse stopped...but then the saddle moved again. Gregg’s fingers fumbled to grab onto hers, but he lost his grip and fell. His body hit the ground with a loud thud.

  “Gregg!” She jumped off her horse and ran to his side.

  “I’m all right.” He groaned, pulling himself upright.

  Ian rode up beside them. “What happened?”

  “My saddle wasn’t on tight.” Gregg stood and dusted off his trousers.

  “How is that possible?” Ian climbed off his steed and hurried to check Gregg’s saddle.

  Catherine linked her arm through Gregg’s and gave him a shaky smile, her heartbeat still rattling her chest. “You will tell me if you are not all right, won’t you?”

  He caressed her cheek. “No, but thank you for your concern.” He chuckled. “Really, Catherine, I’m fine. No damage done – except to my ego.”

  Ian laughed. “And for men, that’s worse than a broken bone, isn’t it, Gregg?”

  She took a deep breath and tried to breathe normally. Mrs. Berkley rode next to them and stopped. “What’s going on here?”

  Catherine pulled away from Gregg and moved to her companion’s side. “Gregg’s saddle slipped. Nothing to worry about.”

  “Except for the fact that it’s been purposely cut,” Ian remarked.