Suburban Vampire: A Tale of the Human Condition—With Vampires

by Franklin Posner

  As they drove the long U-shaped driveway to the House, they saw Father, Elizabeth, and other local vampire dignitaries, all members of the board of the House, standing outside, observing the Mustang as it made its way up the path. The Inquisitor was among the gathered dignitaries standing next to Father.

  “So, that’s your man, is it?” the Inquisitor asked.

  “Indeed, it is.”

  “Mustang Mach I, an early-seventies model, if I am correct. Brilliant. You can hear the power in that engine. The white color seems rather out of place.”

  “Yes, white is an unusual color for a vampire.”

  The Inquisitor stroked his chin. “Huh. A white horse. A white horse…where have I heard something about a white horse? Ah yes. Revelation: ‘And I looked, and behold, a white horse, and the rider that sat upon him was Death—’”

  “‘And hell followed with him,’” Father said.

  The Inquisitor laughed and playfully punched the dour Father in his shoulder. “Now, that’s bloody ominous. Brilliant! I love it!”

  Being vampires, both Jeremiah and Scott were naturally able to make out the figures standing in the portico from well down the long driveway. Scott, of course, did not recognize most of the other vampires. Jeremiah, on the other hand, recognized them all. But the identity of one of them caught him very much by surprise. “No…it could not be…is it?” Jeremiah murmured.

  “Okay, that didn’t sound good. What are you mumbling about?”

  “The man with the red hair next to Father. He is the Inquisitor. He must be.”

  “Okay, so you look more scared than I do. You’re not helping me here.”

  “Not scared. I know this man.”

  “Really? This could be a good thing! I mean, if you know the guy—”

  “No. This is definitely not a good thing.”

  “And now you’re making me nervous. I mean, even more nervous. If that were possible.”

  Jeremiah said nothing further as Scott pulled to the side of the driveway to park. They both stepped out of the car and approached the portico.

  “That is our Jeremiah,” the Inquisitor whispered. The two vampires stared each other down.

  “This is Scott Campbell,” Father introduced him to the Inquisitor in a tone that Scott thought sounded prideful. He asked himself, Why would this man who so wanted me dead take any sort of pride in me?

  The Inquisitor held his hand up as if to silence Father. “Father, a moment, if you will. Jeremiah and I have…business. Could you give us some privacy, please?”

  Father nodded. “Very well. Please. Take what time you need.” He then announced for all assembled to follow him inside the House. “Scott, that includes yourself.” No, he didn’t need to say that, but he did anyway.

  Jeremiah and the Inquisitor remained outside, still staring each other down.

  “Hello, Jeremiah,” the Inquisitor spat.

  “Hello, Allan.”

  “It’s been…a long time.”

  “Too long.”

  “No. Not long enough.”

  “I understand that my decisions did not meet with your approval—”

  “No, Jeremiah, you don’t understand. At all. When we parted ways, I never thought you’d turn traitor. You, the greatest of all vampires. You, who I would have followed into the very pits of hell, after all we’d been through. And you threw it back in my face.”

  “Allan, it is you who do not understand. I had reasons for my decision. And none of those reasons involved you.”

  “Of course not. I was just your acolyte. Your student. Your servant. And you abandoned me.”

  “I abandoned everything! Everything I was. Everything I had done. All the evil I had done. All the innocent I had slain. I wanted no more. I could do no more.”

  “Ye see, that’s the rub, innit? You couldn’t do any more, but you could leave me to do it for you, right? I wanted to live up to you, to your legacy. Only to find you’d pissed that legacy away.”

  “I never intended to hurt you, Allan. Of all the things I regret, how we parted, how I know it must have hurt you. That is among my greatest regrets. And I have many, many regrets.”

  The Inquisitor’s anger faded into a small but noticeable smile. “Still, we had some grand times, didn’t we?”

  “Yes. The best.”

  “Don’t tell me you want to forget them, Jeremiah.”

  “Not all of them. No, not all of them.”

  Allan sighed. “I suppose you’ll want me to recuse myself from these proceedings.”

  “No. I do not wish that. I do not expect favor, but I do expect fairness. I expect your best judgment. That is all I can ask.”

  “And that I promise to give. And you will content yourself with my findings and recommendations, whatever they may be?”

  “I shall. Whatever they may be. Though I suspect you may be surprised by Scott Campbell.”

  “Let us hope so, Jeremiah. For his sake.”

  The great table in the boardroom of the House was surrounded by vampires, all of whom Scott assumed held various positions of local authority. Father and the Inquisitor took their places at the head of the large table, Father in his customary position. They all sat in unison, Elizabeth remaining standing behind Father like a falcon at his shoulder or a demonic bailiff. Jeremiah and Scott took seats at the foot of the table. Scott looked around the room. There were a lot of vampires there. He had no idea there were so many vampires in Portland. The thought was really kind of disturbing. He was also nervous that Sinner had not yet arrived. He had just called the guy not too long ago, so where could he be?

  Father opened the proceedings with his expected formality, having already invited those assembled to be seated. He then introduced the charges against Scott:

  “…that Mr. Campbell was sired without our knowledge or consent, by a vampire restricted from doing so; that he had not submitted to our intensive vetting process, denying us the opportunity to carefully investigate his qualifications or lack thereof; and that by his reckless and public behavior in the incident at the Clackatonic Faire Mall, he has risked the security of the local vampire community, potentially exposing us to public scrutiny. It is, therefore, incumbent upon myself, as Father of this house, to take the actions deemed necessary in order to discipline and control Mr. Campbell and to discipline his sire, the vampire known as Jack.” Father looked about the room. “Unfortunately, I do not see Jack here. Has anyone heard from him? Anyone?”

  “I doubt he’s coming,” Elizabeth said. “He is, by nature, a coward and completely devoid of honor.”

  Just then, the double doors swung open. Jack strutted into the room, as haughty as he usually was, as if he owned the place.

  “Oh, hi, fellas!” Jack said. “Now Liz, tell me you weren’t talking about little ol’ me, now, were you?”

  “It’s Elizabeth. And I most certainly was talking about you.”

  “Tsk, tsk, that’s not a way to treat a guy. But hey, now I’m here, so let’s get this party started!” Jack then passed by Scott, playfully jabbing his shoulder from behind. “Oh, hey, Scott, long time no see! Do you miss your old man?” Scott did not respond. “Okay, I guess that’s a no. Kids these days, I’ll tell ya.”

  “Jack!” Father said, “show some respect. You are part of an official proceeding before an Inquisitor.”

  Jack bowed to the Inquisitor. “Do forgive my rudeness, Your Grace. I will endeavor to show some dignity and some taste in these proceedings.”

  “You better, ye git,” the Inquisitor hissed. “Don’t forget, your arse is on the line here as well. So shut your gob, and sit the fuck down.”

  Jack bowed again and then found one of the available chairs near the foot of the table, situated between the table and the doors. He dumped himself into the chair and leaned back. The chair was not capable of reclining, but that did not stop Jack as he leaned the whole chair against the wall.

  “Right. Now, on with the proceedings,” the Inquisitor announced. “So, you�
�re Campbell?”

  “Uh…me?” Scott asked.

  “Yeah, you. Who the fuck did you think I was talking to? Your mother?”

  “No, she’s not here. Yes, I’m Campbell.”

  “Huh. Campbell. It had to be a bloody Campbell. I haven’t much luck with Campbells. The last time I had dealings with your people, it didn’t graft out well for me. But that was over two hundred years ago, so I suppose we’ll let it slide. Anyway, do you have a legal representative, and where is he?”

  “Uh, Your Honor, I do, but he seems to be running late.” Sweat started pouring down Scott’s forehead. He always sweated under pressure (or heat, or exercise, or, well, anytime), and becoming a vampire apparently hadn’t affected that much.

  At that time, thankfully, the double doors swung open again, and the vampire lawyer plodded into the room, carrying two briefcases, one of them larger than the other and large books under both arms. He piled the books on the table near where Jeremiah and Scott were seated.

  “Forgive me! Sorry, I’m late. Got caught in a jam on the Fremont Bridge. Damn rubberneckers were going by this accident at a snail’s pace. I mean, come on. I like human suffering as much as the next guy but seriously, could they give it a rest? Some of us have to actually be places.”

  Father rubbed his forehead. “Do forgive us, Your Honor. This is a highly unusual situation.”

  “Right,” the Inquisitor replied. “You are the attorney?”

  “Yeah, that’s me. F. Scott Sinner, attorney at law. Fully licensed by the bar to practice law in this state. I do apologize for my tardiness. It was not intended.” Sinner then took his seat right next to Scott. “Don’t sweat this,” Sinner told him.

  “Very well then. Shall we commence now, or are we expecting further interruption? No? Good. Mr. Campbell, do give us a brief rundown on your personal history, won’t you?” the Inquisitor directed him.

  Scott looked to Sinner.

  “Don’t look at me,” Sinner said. “Just address the Inquisitor, and give him what he’s asking for.”

  “Oh, okay.” Scott cleared his throat. “My name is Scott Douglas Campbell. I was born here in Portland and have lived in the area all my life. Attended public schools starting in Portland and then high school out in Gresham. Graduated with a bachelor’s degree in world history from Portland State University, and I started to pursue a master’s but ended up not completing that. I was a police cadet with the Portland Police Bureau and thought I might follow my dad’s footsteps in law enforcement. He was a Portland cop for about thirty years. Anyway, police work didn’t really suit me. Besides, I wasn’t in the best physical shape for the job. For job history, I’ve mowed lawns, washed dishes, walked dogs, worked contract security, worked switchboard for a property-management company, and am currently working the swing shift IT help desk at Simeon College in Portland. About eleven years ago, I married Laura Saarinen, who I’d met through some friends at my church. My marriage ended about a year ago in divorce. There was no abuse or infidelity, just plain old irreconcilable differences. Marriage ended amicably, no contest. I am still a member of Argyll Presbyterian Church in Gresham. I have several hobbies, most of them, admittedly, kind of geeky. I used to like good food, but that’s kind of irrelevant now, I guess. How’s that?”

  “Breathtakingly boring, but we’ll take it,” the Inquisitor responded. “Why do you feel that you are a good candidate for the position of acolyte with this, or any other, House?”

  “Uh, excuse me, Your Honor?” Sinner asked. “I wonder if I might have a few minutes with my client?”

  “Oh, by all means, take all the time you need,” the Inquisitor replied. “And we will sit here patiently, bored off our arses.”

  Sinner whispered to Scott, “This is a trick question, one of those that a professional like me should best be handling. Okay? So keep your mouth shut.”

  Scott nodded. He didn’t think he could do or say anything more. Besides, he believed the vampire lawyer knew his business. Sinner then stood and addressed the Inquisitor.

  “As I am Mr. Campbell’s attorney, I feel it incumbent upon me to speak in his stead.”

  “That is what attorneys do, isn’t it?”

  “Well, yeah, of course.”

  “Then do it!”

  “Okay. First of all, my client wishes to advise Your Honor that he was not a willing convert. That he was forced, unwittingly and unknowingly, to accept the blood of a vampire, forcing him, beyond his knowledge and consent, to become a vampire. That he was not cognizant of the rules and regulations of the House can only be blamed on his sire.” Sinner nodded toward Jack.

  “Oh, please,” Jack whined.

  “Jack’s culpability will be determined by myself,” the Inquisitor said. “Right now, we are concerned with Mr. Campbell. You have established that he was an unwilling convert. Bob’s your uncle. Now, tell me, why should we accept him into the brotherhood?”

  “Because he will prove himself a valuable, productive member of vampire society, if given the chance. There is nothing in Scott Campbell’s background to suggest that he would be anything other than an upstanding vampire whom this House, or any other, would be proud to call a member, if you only give him a chance and extend to him the mercy and charity that he so richly deserves. Thank you.”

  “Wow. Brilliant. And what of the charge that Campbell here may have risked exposure? Of all the charges against him, this one carries the most weight.”

  “Wow. So far so good, counselor,” Scott whispered to his attorney.

  “Hush! We’re not through yet. I’ve only just begun,” Sinner responded. He then addressed the Inquisitor. “Again, my client was unaware of House protocols. There was no ill intent here. He did not intend to open vampire kind up to public scrutiny. He only acted as he thought appropriate, given the situation. He only sought to do the right thing.”

  “‘Right thing’? Are you mad? We’re bloody vampires. We don’t do the right thing. We do the smart thing. We keep as low a profile as possible. Playing bloody superhero is not conducive to keeping a low profile. Our security is only good if we stay off the radar. And he failed to do that.”

  “That was a single breach of etiquette,” Sinner explained. “It is not a harbinger of things to come. If you allow my client to learn from his mistake, his one mistake, he will not be so casual in the future.”

  “Right. But can you guarantee that?”

  “Oh yeah, absolutely. I can guarantee that.”

  “I am not convinced. Mr. Campbell, can you guarantee that you will not intervene in human affairs, that you will never again engage in such risky behavior?”

  Scott slowly rose from his seat.

  “Whoa, bad idea,” Sinner whispered. “Let’s strategize this first.”

  “No. He asked me a question, and I’m gonna answer it. Besides, this is going great so far.” Scott then addressed the Inquisitor. “Your Honor, Father, members of this House, I want to thank you for the opportunity I have been given here to defend myself. The question is whether or not I will ever again risk exposing us, vampire kind, to the prying eyes of humanity. As has been said, that was not my intention. I am actually a very private person, and I understand the need you have for privacy. I can say, without a doubt, that I will never intentionally do anything with the goal of exposing our existence to the outside world.

  “Now, if you’re asking if I will never again intervene in situations like that at the mall, I don’t think I will be able to answer that one to your satisfaction. I have been told that this is a gift and that I should be thankful for what was forced on me. Well, I haven’t been very appreciative of it. I still would rather be human again. But since I have these abilities, these powers, I feel I should use them for good. To save lives. To help humanity. Anyway, that’s what I think. If that’s not good enough, well, then, do what you have to do, I guess.”

  Hushed gasps reverberated throughout the boardroom. Sinner sat there looking at Scott as though his head had just exploded.<
br />
  “Yeah, that was a real nice speech,” Sinner whispered. “A doozy. But I think you just signed your own death warrant.”

  Father and the Inquisitor were deep in what looked to be heated conversation, but they kept their voices low as they discussed Scott’s statement. Jack launched from his seat, almost knocking Sinner over. “What the hell was that, Scott? You got a death wish or something? And you!” He jabbed a finger toward Sinner, “Was this your idea?”

  “No! God no! That was the last thing I would suggest!”

  “Yeah, well, good job defending him. What the hell were you thinking, Scott? That you saw the crazy train pull into the station and decided it was a good idea to get a ticket? What the fuck is wrong with you?”

  Scott got right in Jack’s face. “You said it yourself. I’m just a plaything. I exist for your amusement. After all, that’s why you turned me, right? That’s why you made me what I am, huh? Well, I decided that maybe I don’t want to play your game. Maybe I get to decide my own fate. After all, what’s the loss of one of your toys? Hell, you’ll just make another.”

  “Bullshit! Okay, so maybe I overstated the whole playing with your soul thing. Was that enough to drive you off the deep end?”

  “Jack’s got a point,” Sinner said. “Here’s what we’re going to do: we’re going to try and backpedal from your little Braveheart moment and hope like hell the Inquisitor isn’t in a killing mood today. But first we have to figure out how to get over that little pooch screw you just pulled.”

  “Oh yeah?” Jack spat. “How we gonna do that, Counselor? If we let genius here say anything else, they’ll have all our heads.”

  “Well, maybe if you backed off and let the professional do his job—”

  “Professional? My ass. Some job you’re doing. How the hell could you let him stand there and say something stupid like—”

  “If he had listened to me—”