by Abby Gale
My?
Fuck! I was so deep in this shit.
“Mmm… you never take long to jump into the game, Hotshot,” I heard Ruby’s voice, but it wasn’t her that I saw when I opened my eyes. It was Melody… standing a few feet away from me, her eyes moving from me to Ruby, her mouth agape with shock or horror or both. I saw her eyes well up with tears.
I hated myself in that moment.
I hated myself so damn much I wanted to vomit.
That moment… I noticed another thing:
No matter how much I tried to ignore the fact…
Melody Crown was the only girl for me.
Only girl I wanted to have.
Only girl I wanted to belong to.
And that moment… I lost the only girl I cared about.
I had spent all weekend in my bed, crying. The pain was so much I didn’t know how to deal with it. I had never been in love before, I didn’t know how much it could hurt, but with him… I knew what a dangerous thing love was.
I didn’t talk to anyone, didn’t shower, didn’t eat properly. I just cried like a depressed teenager. There was something inside my ribcage, where my heart should have been, it was squeezing the life out of me, making it hard to breathe.
I knew I should have left my bed, showered, and stopped acting like a drama queen, but I just couldn’t. If Rebecca had been there with me, I knew she would have kicked my ass. But she wasn’t home this weekend, was visiting her parents in Chicago and I didn’t call her, just replied to her text with a short “have fun” to not ruin her moment.
But now, it was time to decide, I would either keep being depressed or prepare for war. I knew quitting wasn’t an option. Maybe it was the right thing to do, but I didn’t want to. So, the decision was clear to me. I had to get up, do my make-up, and prepare to face him. It wasn’t a war against him, it would be a war against myself. Because no matter how much he hurt me, no matter how much my heart shattered into pieces, each bleeding piece was beating for him. Like me, my heart was stupid, too.
*****
“Melody… are you okay? I called you, but you didn’t answer on Friday,” Emily rushed toward me, concern was written on her features. Being just the two of us between Kellan and Darren pushed us together, we grew fond of each other.
“Yeah, I’m good. Just… can I ask a favor from you?”
“Of course,” she answered without hesitation.
“I…” I didn’t know how to say that, taking a deep breath I tried again, “I’ll be busy with the musical academy and charity projects, you know. So, if I need to communicate with Kel- I mean, Mr. Hawke, can you cover for me?”
She smiled knowingly, “You mean, you don’t want to see him more than necessary, right?”
Sighing, I nodded.
“Okay, consider it done. It’s time for him to come to his office. You go and hide in yours,” she winked at me, making me smile as I walked toward my office.
*****
“Good morning, Mel. Missed me?” Darren entered my office without knocking.
“What are you doing here, Darren?” I huffed in annoyance. He was the last person I wanted to deal with.
“We’re working together for a while, you know, right? You better get used to it, babe,” he winked at me, leaning against my desk.
“You know I’m not working on the project till Mr. Hawke designs the first draft of buildings. So you’d better go and work with him till then,” I said sternly, narrowing my eyes at him.
“Why are you so sour towards me?” he asked, pushing my hair off of my forehead.
Cringing back from his touch, I laughed sourly, “Because you’re a dick. Because you made a fool of me by lying to me.”
“You can’t get over it, can you? It was just a mistake. I can be with you again if that’s what you want,” he murmured, like he was doing something noble for my happiness.
“What? Who said I want to be with you again? I cannot be grateful enough that I got rid of you!” I laughed at the ludicrous idea.
“Oh, come on now, Mel. I knew how much you loved me,” he insisted.
“I have never loved you,” I said with certainty, “I can see it now that I’ve learned what a real love is,” I added, murmuring. I didn’t plan on saying that, but it got out of my mouth before I could stop.
“Real love? Is it Kellan?” he laughed. When he finally caught his breath he added, “You’re delusional. That man only wants to fuck you, nothing more.”
I didn’t say anything back because no matter how much I wanted to argue with him I knew he had a point, but this didn’t change my feelings for Kellan.
“That is none of your business. Just know this, I don’t even think about you let alone suffer over you. I got over you the day I learned you were fucking half of the town behind my back. We’ll work together so please don’t make it torture for me,” I told him, walking toward the door to make him leave my office.
Opening the door I waited him to get the message. He walked toward me, shaking his head with that same cocky grin on his face. I kept my ground, didn’t pull away my eyes from him.
“If it’s not work related do not bother me,” I said to him sternly just before closing the door behind him.
I was about to sigh in relief when I heard the voices outside my office.
“I thought I made myself pretty clear, but I see you don’t get it. I’ll repeat myself once more, Mr. Miller,” Kellan said. They were glaring each other, standing toe to toe. Kellan didn’t really shout, but his voice was threatening. I was just watching them from the other side of the glass between us. He pointed his finger at Darren and warned him, “Stay. Away. From. Melody. Is it clear now?”
“You both are so funny,” Darren laughed at Kellan. He didn’t seem scared as he turned around to go toward his office, shaking his head he kept laughing.
When Darren got inside his office, I noticed I was face to face with Kellan, both of us were at opposite sides of the glass. His face was emotionless as always, but his eyes were another story. His eyes hid storms in their depths, pulling me deeper into the hurricane.
He was dangerous for me, for my heart. I experienced this lots of times. Taking a deep breath I turned my head, sat back behind desk. But he didn’t let me go that easily.
He came into my office, locking the door behind him.
“Melody, we need to talk,” he rasped. I could see the shadows under his eyes, but I wasn’t that naïve to think he couldn’t sleep because of me, because he regretted all the mistakes he made. Instead I forced myself to think that he must have fucked that girl, or another one all night long.
It hurt like a motherfucker, but pain was good. Pain was the only thing that stopped me from doing stupid things like jumping back into his arms.
“Is it about work, Mr. Hawke?” My voice was icy, chilled to the bone.
“No. It is about the other day. You need to listen to me.”
I was almost sure that I heard regret in his voice, but I ignored it. Standing up, I hoped I looked confident.
“I don’t want to talk about anything but business, Mr. Hawke. I’m sure you’ll respect my decision as your employee, right?” I said, narrowing my eyes, hoping to be seen as daring as I could.
“Melody-”
“Mr. Hawke!” I interrupted him, “I don’t want to hear what you have to say about that day… and more, I do not care! Now, if you’ll excuse me I have work to do.”
He took a step closer to my desk, putting his palms on the wooden surface he leaned toward me. His breath caressed my face, his eyes roamed over my lips, my cheekbones, my eyes, but I kept my ground.
“You don’t care? You don’t want to know what happened there, with that girl? You don’t want to know if I fucked her or not?” he hissed, trying to crack my façade.
Swallowing my tears, suppressing my anger, I walked toward the door. I knew I needed to get away from him after giving him my answer. Opening the door I answered him coldly over my shoulder, “No, Mr. Haw
ke. I do not care.”
As I headed to the terrace I was relieved he didn’t follow me.
One Week Later
Noticing a movement outside my office, I lifted my head. It was Darren, again, passing by my office even though his office was the opposite direction of mine. Kellan gave him the furthest one on the floor, like putting him in quarantine. Darren winked at me with an irritating smirk on his face. Rolling my eyes, I hit the button to taint my windows.
“Mr. Miller!” I heard Kellan’s voice loom around the office. He’d been in a bad mood since Darren started to work with us. If he could say I didn’t mean anything to him, then he should have acted like that. I didn’t want him to confuse me more than I already was.
A part of me was thinking that he was jealous another part was just angry. But the most dominant feeling was longing. I missed him so much. It’s been more than a week since I last kissed him, last touched him, and these weren’t the only things I craved of him. I missed spending time with him, laughing with him, talking about nothing and everything. In such a short time he had a big place in my life, and not having him there left a big gaping hole… like a black hole, consuming every other part of my life.
Shaking my head, I refused to make myself miserable at work with the depressing thoughts. I tried my hardest to act strong when I was here, in his sanctuary. Being here was my dream, but it also required me to build my walls high to not get hurt again because of my undying feelings for Kellan.
I checked my watch and saw it was close to lunch time. For one week, every day, Darren and Kellan were trying to get me to have lunch with them. Darren’s intention was clear –he just wanted to push Kellan’s buttons and annoy me to death. Kellan was Kellan… he was trying to make up a business requirement to call me in his office. Then, he was trying to seduce me, thinking everything could go back to normal if we fucked. I knew nothing would have changed, it would only hurt me more. And I didn’t trust myself enough when I was around him.
In this situation, I was running away from them as much as possible. With rush, I grabbed my purse and left my office.
“Emily, let’s go to lunch,” I whispered. She giggled and nodded her head since she knew exactly what I was trying to do. She was calling Stacey as I hurried toward the elevator. Once I was in the cabin, I sighed in relief. No one stopped my escape, thankfully.
Stacey was already seated when I got to the cafeteria.
“You know you should tell us what is really happening up there, right?” she winked at me, teasing, when I sat next to her.
“Maybe another time?”
“It sounds juicy,” she giggled and I laughed along with her.
“What’s so funny?” Emily sat next to us, she looked tired.
“Nothing. What’s wrong?” I asked her.
“Nothing… just… he is so moody. Would it be too much if I want you to forgive him or something?” she half laughed half groaned.
“Wait… are you and Mr. Hawke together?” Stacey exclaimed.
“Shh, people will hear,” I hushed her, “And no. We aren’t together. Can we go get our meals, I really don’t want to talk about this?”
No, you don’t.
His words rang through my head again, mixing with the images of him and that girl. They still hurt me the same, still causing me to cry myself to sleep every night.
“Sure, Mel. I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean to push you,” Stacey said. Nodding, I stood up from my chair to get my lunch even though I’d lost my appetite. I grabbed an apple and mineral water.
“Hey, Melody,” someone called behind me. Turning to face the owner of the voice, I saw it was Taylor from design.
“Hi, Taylor,” I smiled.
“Oh, you remember my name,” he murmured.
“Of course I remember you.” I laughed. I visited their floor a few times in the week after the musical academy project for deciding cushions as well as checking the updates of the charity project. He was always talking to me when I was there, how could I forget him?
“Is that all you’ll have for lunch?”
“I’m not hungry,” I murmured.
“Can I join you for lunch? If you don’t mind, I mean…” he blurted out, words were rushing out of his mouth like they would offend me in a way.
Smiling, “Sure,” I answered.
When we got near to our table I saw Troy was already seated next to Stacey. Emily rolled her eyes at me as Stacey and Troy didn’t even notice us over their laughter.
“Do you all know each other?” I asked, taking a seat.
“Yeah, how is it going, Troy?” Taylor smiled, shaking hands with him.
*****
The four of them carried the conversation easily. The time flew by even though I didn’t do much talking. Taylor and Troy were fun guys, telling us their funny stories from high school and college. Thanks to them we laughed most of the time.
I didn’t know if it was his presence I felt or the strange instinct of being watched, but there was an urge to lift my head. I did… and met with his stormy grey eyes, looking at me with anger and hunger merged together.
I held my breath as he stroke over to me with determination in his steps. My body became alive with the eaten distance between us. My heart hurt with the raw beauty of him. He looked so collected, clean-cut, and pristine outside, but it was the inside that took my breath away –knowing the art of his body, how much of a rebel he looked when he took off his clothes…
“Melody.”
One word was enough to make me shudder as he loomed over me, but I tried to school my expression before answering him, “Yes, Mr. Hawke?”
To my surprise, my voice was cold, stoic, and professional.
“If you finished your lunch, I need you upstairs,” he said sternly. I could feel his anger oozing from his body.
Grabbing my mineral water, I stood up.
“See you later, guys,” I murmured as they nodded with a concerned and confused look on their faces.
I didn’t say anything as we rode in the elevator. We were alone and that intensified the tension, making the air crackle around us. My nipples pebbled, betraying my emotions, but I couldn’t blame my body. My heart, my soul, and my body were screaming at me to get closer to him as my mind scowled at me for acting like a hormonal teenager. I knew he was watching me, the goosebumps erupting on my skin was the proof. I kept my eyes trained on the elevator door, because I was sure the moment I looked at his eyes, in this small cabin, I would be lost.
I closed my eyes in relief as the elevator got close to our floor, but just when we were half way through between fourteenth and fifteenth floor Kellan moved quickly, hitting the “stop” button.
Before I could ask what he was doing, my wrists were pinned above my head, the heat coming from his body was warming me as he kept himself flush to me. I didn’t want to react, but it was near impossible as his breath kissed my mouth, causing my eyes to drift closed.
“I made a mistake, okay? I made lots of them, but stop it! Stop this coldness! Stop running away from me! Stop just being professional with me!” he hit his fist beside my head, making me jump.
“Let me go,” I whispered.
“No! I miss you… I want you…” he rasped, nuzzling his nose along my jaw to my cheekbone, and finally to my ear, “Nothing happened with that girl, Melody. I wanted to fuck her, I really did. I wanted to forget you… but I couldn’t, I can’t.”
His whisper made me moan, but I stopped myself, pushing him back. My guard was falling down, he was telling me all the things I wanted to hear, but I couldn’t let him woo me again.
No matter how many times he hurt me, with his words, with his sudden change of coldness, I was always finding a way back to him. It didn’t even take long before I fell into his arms. It was like gravity –his spell on me. One touch, one word, or one look and I was falling down into the rabbit hole of love.
But this time… I didn’t want to be affected.
This time I wanted to be t
he strong girl who protected herself instead of following her heart.
So, I pushed him back, hitting the button to make elevator rise up.
“I don’t want to hear any of this. I’m tired of your games. I’m tired of being your punching bag, your fuck toy. We were done even before we started, Kellan,” I said with the certainty I wanted to feel deep inside me.
But I faked it.
And I hoped it would be enough.
Fake it till you make it…
Kellan
I didn’t plan on coming here, but recently, nothing was going the way I planned. I didn’t even know what I was doing with my life anymore. I even let down my work the last three days, but going to work meant seeing Melody in that cold, professional way of her, and I wasn’t strong enough to face that. I hated that side of her. And I hated more that I was the one who caused that change in her. I created that cold shell of that beautiful creature.
“Fuck it!” I muttered to myself as I got out of the car. Knocking on the door I considered leaving, but I needed to talk to someone. I needed to leave the little damaged child behind so I could be the twenty nine year old man I was.
“Kellan?”
My mom looked surprised to see me, as she should have been. It was past midnight yet I was knocking on her door. Her scrutinizing eyes studied me for a few moments and I let her. Finally, she took a deep breath and waved me in, “Come on, my boy. I was wondering when you’d show up.”
Isabella Trent was a sharp woman, you could never hide anything from her and she didn’t show her age, didn’t even have a silver hair. Many times people had mistaken her as my girlfriend even though she was forty seven. My mom dedicated herself to this farm, the horses she loved so much. They were the condolences after her marriage ended with Brad.
I sat in front of the fireplace in her living room, waiting as she prepared tea for us. I remembered how my mom used to be, before the divorce, how she had a spring in her step. She always laughed, her eyes used to shine when I was a child. But that woman had left after the divorce. She became an Ice Queen, building her walls high as a tower. It didn’t look bad on her, though. It made her elegant with unmistakable wisdom. Everyone envied her, but I knew better. I knew the lively young woman she used to be when I was a kid. Sometimes she managed to fool me, though. She looked content, but she didn’t have any other man in her life that was a proof of my thesis.
