by Abby Gale
“Would you like some snacks with your tea?” Mom asked, pouring tea into our cups.
“No, thanks Mom,” I murmured.
Taking a sip from her cup in her elegant way, she murmured, “Have you fucked up with Melody?”
Of course she knew. She knew before even I knew it myself.
“Yes,” I sighed.
“Why are you doing this to yourself, son? Why are you running away from loving someone, being happy?” Mom asked, for the first time in years she looked sad, not that cold, collected, aristocratic look on her face.
“Because I saw you, Mom. I learned early that loving someone doesn’t make people happy, it only makes things worse.”
I hated that my voice was weak, like I was still a kid, watching everything, listening to every fight, every cry from afar, helpless, scared.
“Oh, my baby boy. Was this what you’ve been thinking for all these years? You were so young when we divorced, but I thought, with time, you figured this out. I never loved Brad, neither did he love me,” she told me. Her face was pained and shocked, all together.
“Oh, please don’t give me that bullshit, now,” I huffed in annoyance at her attempt to soothe my worries.
“I mean it, Kellan. I know I didn’t tell you the entire story before, I didn’t want to trigger your… umm, feelings.”
“Mom, you know HSP isn’t something you need to worry about. It’s been more than ten years since I had a problem with that so stop sugarcoating things,” I rolled my eyes at her.
There were times my hypersensitivity disorder made my life hell, but at the same time I knew I was luckier than most of the people who had the same syndrome. My situation wasn’t as intense as many of theirs were. It was only bad when my parents got divorced, but my psychologist helped me get over it. Since I was twelve I had never faced a problem because of it I even forgot that I had it.
“Okay… listen carefully then,” Mom said, squaring her shoulders, showing me the strength of her features.
“Your dad was the golden boy at school, he was the quarterback, the most attractive guy in my school… and I was the cheerleader. I was a girl who loved parties, booze, and flirting. I had a crush on your father, and in our senior year of high school… well, we hung out a lot. But just so you know, that wasn’t love between us. We were both young and stupid,” she shook her head before continuing, “I was just seventeen when I learned that I was pregnant with you and your father just turned eighteen. We were terrified. We weren’t even ready to adult let alone be parents.”
I frowned. This was a totally different story than what my mother used to tell me when I was a kid.
“But you said… you said you were so in love during high school, you could hardly wait to graduate and get married,” I trailed off.
“I lied, baby. I didn’t want you to think that we didn’t love you. I wanted you to think that you were wanted, you were loved, you were the fruit of true love… not some mistake made by two hormonal teenagers who didn’t love each other. Because we loved you, Kellan. We were so scared, but when we went to see the doctor…” she stopped, taking another deep breath. I watched as a smile formed on her face, like she was reminiscing a memory.
“The doctor showed us your picture. God, you were just a little blip. I wouldn’t even see you if she didn’t point where you were. At that moment your father and I knew that we couldn’t let you go… that we should get our shit together and be what you needed us to be.”
I leaned back on the couch, trying to separate this story from the one I knew for years.
“Your father is a good man, Kellan. He tried every day to be the best, but it was hard. Two teenagers who don’t know what to do with a baby. Two teenagers who don’t love each other enough. We played house for years, but after four years everything started to crack. Your father and I weren’t happy, but we wanted to fight for you. We wanted to try to find a way to be a family for you. We couldn’t,” she said, shaking her head.
I didn’t say anything, everything was finally making sense in my mind. The small details were fitting together, finally, after all these years.
“Then, we started to fight. We couldn’t hide our unhappiness from you. After five years, we weren’t even loyal to each other, Kellan. But living in that lie started to irritate both of us. Your father started to drink to erase his sorrow, and I started being a bitch. I was a real bitch, I’ll admit that.”
Hearing these words should have bothered me… and they were. They were bothering me, making me angry, but they also gave me relief… a sick satisfaction that their relationship wasn’t even a relationship to begin with. Hearing these things gave me a strange hope that I could be happy with Melody, because we weren’t like my parents.
“That was when you started to get sick. No one could diagnose your problem for a while , then, we found a psychologist. She told us about HSP. First, she had sessions with us –your father and I, together and separately. She told us that you were feeling our sadness, our sorrow. That was why we finally decided to get divorced. That was why we realized we were hurting you more than making you happy as a family… that you were better without a family like that,” she said, tears pooled her eyes.
“I’m sorry, Kellan. I’m sorry that we lied to you. I’m sorry that I let you believe your father was the bad guy in this story. I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you any of this before. I’m-”
I interrupted her before she continued to apologize, “I get it, Mom. I’m angry and this is all stupid in a way… that I had these worries in my mind all these years, that I didn’t even notice I carried all your mistakes on my shoulders. But I get it. I understand how it could have been for you.”
“And I think you found what you were looking for, right?” she asked, smiling through her tears.
“I think… I… I need to leave now, need time to think about all the things you said. I lived my life due to your failure in love all those years, but now…” I trailed off, not knowing how to put my thoughts into words.
As I listened to her story, that didn’t sound as important as I thought it was. All my hate toward my dad (and for the first time I thought of him as my dad), all my fear for love, for relationships… I realized I put so much meaning into my parents’ relationship, more than I dared to admit.
I remembered my psychologist said “There is no important or unimportant thing in life. The importance is how much meaning we put into the situation. No matter how small the problem is if we gave it a big meaning in our life then it has the power to traumatize us.”
She was right… and I noticed that this was my trauma in life, no matter how small it could seem to another person.
And I was too proud to admit that before… before I lost her.
As I left the farm with lots of things to think about, I knew where I should go… I should pay a visit to Melody and convinced her to take me back.
My ringtone woke me up from my sleep. Red light from my digital clock on the night stand showed the time –it was passed three am in the morning which made me nervous. Who would have called me at this time of the night? A voice in my head alerted me to be ready for bad news.
I tried to spot my phone in my bed, the tissues that were everywhere made it harder, but I finally found it. It was Kellan… I didn’t want to answer, hearing his voice after another night of crying, but I couldn’t ignore the temptation.
“Kellan?” I rasped, my voice was hoarse because I cried myself to sleep like every other night the last two weeks.
“Melody? God… Melody,” Kellan slurred down the line, making a quiver run through my body.
I was facing him every day, at work, forcing myself to be professional, but this was the hardest achievement as all I wanted to do was kiss his full lips even though I should have forgotten him.
I missed him. I missed every side of him –playful, grumpy, excited, passionate, caring, workaholic…
“Why don’t you talk to me, Melody?” he asked, his voice is agitated, “Why
aren’t you here, with me, in my arms?” he added. Closing my eyes, I assimilated his childish tone.
“Kellan, are you okay?” I asked, confused by his questions, the slur in his voice.
“No, I’m not okay,” he groaned, “Why aren’t you here Melody? You should be here.”
Frowning, I asked… shocked, “Are you drunk?”
“Yeah… isn’t it ironic?” he chuckled, but when he continued his voice was darker, angrier, “But this thing doesn’t help. No amount of alcohol can erase you from my mind. No matter how much I drink this shit I can still taste you on my tongue.
I took a deep breath, trying to understand the situation. I knew his loathing for alcohol yet he was drinking… because of me. I didn’t know what to think, what to feel, but instead I calmed myself, “Where are you, Kellan?”
“In hell,” he groaned, “I need you, Melody… I miss you,” he slurred, causing my heart to pick up its rhythm.
“Tell me where you are, Kellan,” I insisted, nervous about his safety. It was his first time drinking.
“Why are you not with me, Melody? Why don’t you talk to me? You talk to that fucker, Ryan, and that boring Troy. I saw you with them. You laugh with them, you talk to them…why not me?” His words were rushed, slurry, but I could understand them… feel the pain and confusion behind them.
“Tell me where you are so I can come and get you, okay? How can I be with you if I don’t know where you are, right?” I tried to convince him.
“Come and get me? Will you kiss me again, Mel? I want you to kiss me,” he rasped to the line.
Fighting the urge to smile, I took another deep breath and this time I let myself say what I wanted to say, “Yes, Kellan. I’m gonna kiss you. I missed you, too. Tell me where you are?”
“I’m in a bar,” he murmured.
“Which bar, babe?” I asked him as calm as I could muster.
“I liked you calling me that… babe…” he slurred. I could hear his smile.
“Yes, babe. Now, tell me which bar, okay?” It was like talking to a child.
“Close to your house. I wanted to come and see you, but… ended up here,” he said, “Come to me, Melody. It’s been so long since the last time I kissed you, smelled you, been inside you.”
My breath became faster, my heart beat louder, “I’ll be there in ten.”
I’d easily spotted him the moment I entered the bar. He was standing out in the crowd, staying inside of his own bubble. There was an invisible wall between him and the crowd. Something broke inside me when I saw him weak.
“Kellan,” I hollered, pushing myself between the barstools to get closer to him. A smile broke on his handsome face when he saw me, “You came.”
“Let’s get you out of here, shall we?” I tried to convince him, but he hugged me instead.
“Kellan, can we go, please?” I tried again, caressing his hair without knowing what else to do.
“You smell so good… beer has a bad taste, I didn’t like it,” he slurred, his mind was jumping from one topic to another. With a silly smile on my face I could manage to put him on his feet, “I’m not a fan of it, either. Let’s go home, right?”
“Ah… home, yeah. I missed you, Melody,” he sang the words with a huge grin on his face. His hands were caressing my body wherever he could reach.
“Shh, behave,” I giggled, couldn’t help myself. He was a cute, silly drunk.
“I’m a jerk, Melody. I’m sorry,” he murmured, trying to kiss me. He almost made us fall over.
The taxi I came to bar with was waiting for me like I told him to. Sighing in relief I let the driver help me to put him in the car. As I gave the address to the driver Kellan had already fallen asleep, but he kept murmuring –some unintelligent mumblings, some were enough to make me blush and make the driver chuckle, and some were so romantic I wanted him to be like this forever.
I groaned when he mumbled, “I missed your taste…”
When we finally arrived at Kellan’s home he started to wake up. I knew this phase, this was the worse level of getting drunk –throwing up. I hoped to get him inside before that started.
Fernando came to my rescue out of nowhere, “Ma’am, let me carry him.”
“Thank you. Please be careful,” I warned him before I could stop myself, caught the glimpse of a grin on his face even though it was dark.
I followed behind them as Fernando carried Kellan over his shoulder. I was worried Kellan would throw up just because of that situation. But thankfully Fernando managed to put him inside the shower.
“Do you need anything else, ma’am?” Fernando asked.
“Thanks, Fernando. I’ll take care of the rest,” I said, waving him off as Kellan tried to pull me inside the shower, almost causing both of us to fall.
“Behave,” I giggled at his attempt.
“Join me,” he smirked, his eyes still half closed, but he didn’t seem like he would throw up any second. He was stronger than I thought as a first time drinker.
Locking the bathroom door, just in case, I entered the shower and started to undress him. Our eyes locked with an intense stare as I took off his shirt. I didn’t even notice he was watching me till that moment. His eyes were so clear, shining bright like two silver orbs. What I saw in them, or maybe it was my imagination, made my heart beat harder, faster with hope, affection… and love.
“Why did you drink?” I whispered, afraid of breaking the magic of this moment.
“I was coming to you…” he slurred, but stopped when I kneeled in front of him to take off his pants. I didn’t have any sexual intentions, but I couldn’t ignore the tension that surrounded us.
“Continue,” I urged him.
“Would you accept me?” he asked instead of telling me the rest, his voice sounded more sober. Turning my back, I took of my clothes as fast as possible, ignoring his shallowing breaths with each piece I peeled off my body. His hands reached for me, following the curve of my waist till he reached my hipbones.
“Melody…” he whispered.
I turned on the shower, not facing him, “Fuck!” he gasped with the sudden whiplash of cold water. I grabbed the shampoo from the shelf on the shower wall, still not giving him an answer. I hoped he forgot that already, because I knew my answer, I knew that no matter what the reason or outcome would be I would have accepted him.
As I massaged his head, I liked how he leaned into my touch. He was just like a small kid under my touch, but the semi-hardness between his legs wasn’t fooling me.
“I was afraid of relationships, commitment, and everything that comes with it,” he murmured out of the blue.
“Why?” I whispered.
“I thought my parents loved each other so damn much, but even they couldn’t make it… even their love had vanished. I thought this, but I was wrong…” he mumbled. I hardly made out his words.
“Because it was all a lie. We might not be like them,” he whispered, more to himself than me.
I didn’t know what to say to him. I didn’t even know if he was really thinking about these things or if this was the alcohol talking. Instead of replying to him, I focused on rinsing the soap out of his hair.
“Let’s put you to bed,” I said, quickly toweling myself as he brushed his teeth. That made me smile, even when he was drunk he was in control of the situation. His eyes were fixed on mine all the time when I started to dry him.
“I missed you,” he groaned as I toweled his body. He was rock hard by the time I was done.
“Me too,” I whispered before I could stop myself, but it was enough to make him turn around to wrap his arms around me. His mind was dizzy, though, before he could hug me to his chest he lost his balance. We were both laughing mess on the bathroom floor, hugging each other.
Finally, after a few minutes I could manage to convince him to go to bed. Dressed, I helped him lay down on the bed and left him to get him some water and painkillers.
He was already asleep when I returned.
“Kel
lan,” I whispered, lifting him enough to drink a glass of water. The moment he placed his head back to bed, his eyes were closed again.
“Don’t leave me,” were his last words before he fell asleep.
I contemplated my options. I didn’t want to leave him like this… not that I was worried about his situation, he was so much better than I thought he would be. But I wasn’t ready to leave him, I didn’t know if he would be like this in the morning. I didn’t know if he would still be desperate for me to forgive him. I knew I was just opening the wound again if he changed his mind later, but I couldn’t help it. The longing for him was willing to get every little piece of happiness if that meant I could wake up in his arms.
So… I stayed.
I fell asleep without crying for the first time in days.
I left Kellan’s home the moment sun showed itself. He was wrapped around me like an ivy when I woke up. Leaving him behind was so hard, but my mind was a mess after seeing him like that last night. I needed to gather my thoughts in order and be sure about his sincerity. I needed comfort to think clearly and there was only one place on earth able to give it to me.
I refused to think about anything as taxi took me to my destination. Knocking on the door I waited patiently till the door opened. Mom was shocked when she saw me, but she was even more shocked when my first words were, “Mom, can you make carrot balls?”
Carrot balls were my comfort food. Whenever I felt down or whenever I was sick that was the only thing that made me happy. It was my mom’s special recipe… for only special occasions like this. It was my childhood, my happy memories and I needed them right now… I needed comfort to make a decision, focus on myself so I could find what made me happy.
