Momma's Baby, Daddy's Maybe

by Jamise L. Dames

  “This is the nurse from Kharri’s school. I’m afraid that Kharri isn’t feeling too well and someone’s got to pick her up. She doesn’t have a temperature, but she says she has a headache. We usually tell the students to lie down until it passes but Kharri came in the office in tears holding the sides of her head and is crying uncontrollably.”

  “I’m on my way. Could you do me a favor and take her glasses off? They’re new and the eye doctor said that it could take her a little while to get adjusted to them. She complained about it this morning but was fine after I gave her a children’s Tylenol. Thanks,” Kennedy said as she walked back into class to retrieve her things, again interrupting, but she didn’t care.

  As Kennedy was about to leave class without saying a word, she thought better of it and stopped at the front of the class. She didn’t want to piss off any of her professors during her last semester before graduation.

  “Dr. Randell, can I speak to you for a moment. It’s very important,” Kennedy said as she walked out of the room, knowing that he would follow her. Although she pissed him off earlier, she knew that he would understand because he had flirted with her in a very careful way once although staff was not allowed to date students. But when she didn’t take the bait he was nothing but professional.

  Dr. Randell crossed his arms. “Ms. Jacobs, you know the procedure. You are to speak to me after class or during office hours.”

  “Listen, Dr. Randell, the only reason that I interrupted was because I have to go. That was the nurse from my daughter’s school, and my daughter isn’t feeling well. In fact, she’s crying uncontrollably. I just wanted to apologize for earlier and for my disturbance with the phone thing.”

  “I understand. But at the beginning of the semester I informed you, all of you, that there was a no cell-phone policy in my class and I mean it. Do you comprehend?”

  “Yes. But I can’t follow that policy. I have a child. And any respectable mother who cares about her child would do the same. What if I did follow your policy? Then my child would be at school sick, crying uncontrollably, apparently in a lot of pain. Do you comprehend what I’m saying, I’m not your conventional student, Dr. Randell. I’m not some twenty-two-year-old, I’m a grown woman with a child, an intelligent four-year-old daughter who happens to already be in kindergarten. So please do not scold or chastise me like I’m here because my mommy and daddy pay for me to be here. I pay for me to be here. And just like I respect you, please respect me. Like I said, I apologize and hopefully it won’t happen again,” Kennedy said and walked off, leaving Dr. Randell standing in the hall alone.

  * * *

  After Kennedy had strapped Kharri into her booster seat in the back of the car she smiled at her through the rearview mirror.

  “Are you okay, baby? Do you feel a little better?” Kennedy asked Kharri for the third time since they walked out of the school.

  “Yes, Mommy. My head doesn’t hurt anymore. I’m just a little tired and I want to lay down,” Kharri whispered.

  “Are you sure? Well, I’m taking you back to the eye doctor anyway, and then we can go home and you can lay down. Okay? Mommy’s just a little worried about you. Ever since you got those glasses your head still seems to hurt and by now it shouldn’t. Does it hurt more with or without the glasses on?”

  “I don’t know, about the same . . . I guess.”

  “That’s what I thought,” Kennedy said as she picked up her phone to call Jared.

  Kennedy was put on hold while Jared was paged. At times like this, Kennedy was glad that he had pursued medicine instead of some sport like everyone else seemed to do.

  “Dr. Reid speaking,” Jared answered after about two minutes.

  “Jared, it’s Kennedy. Could you do me a favor and have one of your colleagues refer Kharri to an eye specialist here in the New York area?”

  “What’s wrong, Ken? I thought she was doing better.”

  “I thought so too. But I just had to pick her up from school because her head was hurting again and she was crying uncontrollably—”

  “No, I wasn’t. I’m not a baby,” Kharri said in a sleepy voice.

  “Well, the nurse said that she was holding the sides of her head and crying uncontrollably,” Kennedy said as she turned and nodded at Kharri. “This morning Kharri said that she had a headache again, so I gave her some children’s Tylenol and she felt better by the time we sat down to eat. So I took her to school thinking that she was okay,” Kennedy explained as she looked back at Kharri, who was leaned against the window asleep.

  “So what did the eye doctor say? Go kind of slow because I’m taking this down. I don’t know any eye doctors here but we have some specialists on duty and I’ll just give them all the info. They’ll refer her, don’t worry.”

  “Well, they just said to bring her in. The last time they checked her she still had the same vision. She just isn’t adjusting to the glasses, and I know why. It’s the wrong prescription. It’s got to be, otherwise she wouldn’t still be having headaches and she wouldn’t still be getting dizzy from them,” Kennedy blurted in one breath.

  “All right, Ken. I got it even though you did a Speedy Gonzales on me. Give me five and I’ll call you right back,” Jared said and hung up.

  Thank God for Jared. He was always better at handling these type of situations than she was and he always made her feel better. Just after she drove through Central Park to the east side where the optometrist was located she decided to stop at a local deli and pick up some Oreos for Kharri to have after the appointment. The cookies wouldn’t make her feel better but at least they could help get her mind off the pain, for the moment anyway. Just as Kennedy made a right on Eighty-sixth and Third she spotted a mini-market.

  “Kharri, wake up, sweetie. We’re at the store. I feel like having some Oreos, how about you?” Kennedy said, knowing that just the mention of Oreos would make her daughter smile.

  Kharri didn’t say a word. Kennedy turned around and smiled at Kharri’s smooth pecan skin, which was flawless, almost angelic. Her thick eyebrows complemented her long eyelashes. She was a real beauty. Kennedy really hated to wake her. Earlier she had said that she was tired and Kennedy guessed that the day, although short, had been a long one for Kharri. Kennedy smiled again as she remembered almost having to pull Kharri out of bed, which was unusual because Kharri was always up and ready to go. She loved school. Just as Kennedy was about to try and wake her again her cell rang.

  “Jared?” Kennedy asked.

  “Yeah, it’s me. I have the doctor’s info and from what I hear, he’s excellent. He’s affiliated with NYU and Cornell. I called his office and spoke to him personally. He’s booked solid but he said that he’d see her after hours, today. He said to go ahead and take her to the other appointment and get a copy of her records faxed to his office. I know that you’re driving so I called and left his information on your answering machine.”

  “Thanks, Jared. I don’t know what I’d do without you. I don’t know what we’d do without you.”

  “Hey, no problem. She’s my daughter, too, you know. Is she right there? Let me speak to her before we hang up,” Jared said.

  “Okay. I just tried to wake her up but she’s sound asleep. We’re in front of the store, so she has to get up anyway. Can’t leave her in the car. I’m picking her up some Oreos for later to lift her spirits,” Kennedy said as she turned and gently shook Kharri.

  “Khar-ri!” Kennedy yelled at the top of her lungs.

  “Kennedy, what happened? Why are you yelling at her like—”

  “Jared, she won’t wake up. I shook her and she fell over. Oh-my-God. Kharri, please wake up. Please!” Kennedy begged, sobbing and dropping the phone.

  Kennedy lurched over the backseat to wake Kharri. With her upper half in the back and her legs and feet in the front she reached for Kharri’s head and put her ear up to her mouth and nose to see if she could hear or feel her breathing. She shook her by her shoulders and held her, and then Kharri exhaled a lou
d breath similar to a moan. Then she started to twitch. Kennedy cried and tried to keep holding Kharri but couldn’t.

  Kennedy pulled herself back up front. She threw the driver’s door open and bumped her head. She rushed around to the back passenger door next to the curb and wrenched open the door. She grabbed Kharri and started to pull her up to a sitting position. Kharri slipped from her grasp and fell over in a forward slump.

  Kennedy knew.

  She had just lost her daughter.

  Kennedy jumped from the car and screamed. Passersby stopped and looked as Kennedy slumped down on her knees on the cold cement that was covered with litter and dirt. Kennedy grabbed the sides of her head and pulled her hair as tears and snot streaked her face. Looking skyward she screamed, “Why God, why?” She pulled herself up just enough to grab Kharri and pull her halfway out of the car. Kennedy held her daughter in her arms and squeezed her as she cried, as though trying to squeeze the life back into her.

  She sat there for almost twenty minutes, unaware of the time. All Kennedy saw was Kharri, as she grew colder and stiffer in her arms.

  Kennedy sat and rocked as she held Kharri and rubbed her fingers through her daughter’s hair. “Wake up, baby, please wake up. Kharri, please, baby!” Kennedy pleaded. “God please. I will do anything. Please give my baby back. She’s my baby. Just give her back. Take me . . . take me,” Kennedy begged as a pair of hands tried to pull her up from the ground.

  Someone had called 911. As the paramedics attempted to release Kharri from Kennedy’s grasp, Kennedy held on even tighter. She wasn’t letting her daughter go. The harder they tried, the harder Kennedy held on. Eventually the paramedics managed to release her right arm and Kennedy held Kharri even tighter with the left one.

  “Ma’am, we have to check her out to help her,” a voice with a blurry face said.

  “No! You can’t have her. Why my daughter? Please don’t try to take my baby,” Kennedy said as she pulled the rest of Kharri’s limp body out of the car into a standing position and tightened her grasp with her left arm and punched the paramedic with her right.

  Kennedy kept swinging and lost her balance. She fell hard on the cold, dirty ground and Kharri fell on top of her. Kennedy wrapped both of her arms around Kharri, who was facing her. Kennedy just lay there and cradled Kharri’s head on her shoulder.

  Closing her eyes, she just cried like a baby for her baby. Kharri would always be her baby. Her first baby. She heard someone tell the paramedics to just leave her for the moment and then she felt Kharri being pulled from her embrace and she couldn’t overpower whoever it was.

  When the police pulled Kharri off Kennedy, Kennedy curled up into a fetal position, feeling as if she were going to die. She wanted to die. She begged to die. She was dead—on the inside. Two people pulled her up from the ground. She buried her face in someone’s shoulder and sobbed. She whispered, “Why did He have to take my baby. Could you please ask God for me? He wouldn’t answer me. She didn’t do anything, so it must’ve been me, what did I do? Can you please tell me.”

  When the officers were putting Kennedy in the ambulance she stopped and turned around and looked at the dirty sidewalk that she and Kharri had just lain on. New York had never looked dirtier to her. How could everybody who stood there just go on with their lives as if nothing happened? As if her daughter didn’t just die.

  * * *

  Kennedy opened her eyes and saw a very swollen-eyed Jared looking down at her. She just stared at him, hoping that he would tell her that she just had a bad dream. She went to speak to him but something was covering her face. Jared reached down and removed the oxygen mask. He put his fingers to his lips as tears rolled down his face. She had not dreamed that Kharri had died.

  Jared sat next to Kennedy and ran his big fingers through Kennedy’s short hair. When he saw her tears start to form he doubled over on her chest and cried loud, uncontrollably. Kennedy went to reach for his head but a pain shot through her arm.

  Jared looked at Kennedy and tried to pull himself together and wiped his eyes and then his nose with his sleeve. “You okay, Ken? I mean I know you’re not okay, but are you okay? You passed out,” he said.

  “What happened to my arm, Jared?” Kennedy asked, refusing to believe that Kharri was dead.

  “Well, some kind of way you broke your fingers and managed to pull a couple of your nails completely from the nail beds—”

  “The car door . . . I was trying to open Kharri’s door . . .”

  “And you fractured your wrist when you hit the ambulance driver—”

  “But Jared, he was trying to take Kharri from me,” Kennedy whispered as tears started traveling from her eyes down to the pillow.

  “It’s okay, Ken . . . I know, I know.” Jared nodded, not able to look at Kennedy.

  “Where is Kharri?”

  Jared looked away.

  “Jared, did you hear me? Where is Kharri?” Kennedy asked loudly, on the verge of losing control again.

  “In the mor—she’s gone, Kennedy. They have our baby in the morgue, Ken,” Jared said as his voice cracked. Tears streamed down his face and he didn’t try to stop them.

  “No, Jared! That’s not true—”

  Jared just nodded.

  “Jared, I said it’s not fucking true. Because if it was, it means that Kharri’s dead. And Kharri can’t be dead. She’s only four and a half years old, Jared!” Kennedy yelled.

  “Kennedy, please . . . please,” Jared said, wiping his tears.

  Kennedy turned her head and looked out of the hospital window at the overcast sky. The room seemed so cold. What could she do for Kharri so she wouldn’t feel cold? Jared touched Kennedy’s arm, rubbing her skin with his fingers. Kennedy turned around and they locked eyes.

  “Jared, now what am I supposed to do? What am I going to do. She was . . . is my baby, Jared. I carried her and felt her move inside of me. She used to kick me—she was so strong, so beautiful. She was perfect. Jared, please help me. What am I going to do? Now, what can I do? I love her, Jared. Do you think I loved her enough? Do you think she knew how much I loved her? Because I did . . . I do. I carried her for nine months, held her when she was born and held her when she died. Oh God, why?” Kennedy sobbed.

  “I know, Kennedy. Yes, she knew. We all knew,” Jared reassured her.

  Kennedy sat dazed for a minute and then said, “What about my other baby, the one I’m carrying now, is it going to be okay?”

  Jared just stared at her.

  ~ 13 ~

  Kharri was buried on a cold but serene November day. The sky was a pale robin’s egg blue and not a breath of a breeze blew. New York seemed to be at peace and still for a beautiful little girl who left the earth too soon. The funeral had been a harmonious celebration of Kharri and her short life. Jared had insisted that no one wear black. Black was too depressing, but mainly because Kharri had been afraid of the dark.

  Kennedy sat in the front of the large church in a chair placed right in front of Kharri’s soft pearl-pink casket. She refused to sit in any of the pews and look at her daughter from a distance. Instead, she sat right there with Kharri, holding her hand and kissing her. But she didn’t break down like everyone expected her to. For the moment she was all cried out and in a state of shock.

  Kharri’s little body was dressed in pink silk pajamas and surrounded by white rose petals. In fact, Kharri had received so many flowers that the huge church had to use the balcony to help house them all. After the services, Kennedy asked everyone to take flowers home to remember Kharri by.

  When leaving, she saw Michael standing in the back pew. His coming meant a lot to her. She stopped, and their eyes locked. Tears streamed down her face. He had been good to Kharri, and she knew he was going to be a good father to their baby too. She wanted to reach out and hold his hand—she wanted his comfort. But her whole family was there, and Kharri’s funeral wasn’t a place for controversy. She wiped her eyes, handed him a white rose, and exited the church.

 
After they left the cold cemetery, the family and visitors went to Simone’s house to eat and socialize. Everyone was supposed to be there to comfort the grieving family and assist them if they needed it, but of course that wasn’t the case. The evening had started with everybody eating and drinking and talking about how sad it was for Kharri to go as soon as she did. But by the time the food was almost gone and the alcohol started, it seemed more like a reception than a post-funeral get-together.

  Jared and Kennedy arrived at Simone’s hours after everyone else. Kennedy just couldn’t leave Kharri’s gravesite. When the cemetery workers lowered Kharri’s casket into the ground and someone threw the first shovel of dirt on it, Kennedy lost her mind and jumped in the grave and started throwing the dirt back out.

  When Kennedy walked into Simone’s house she stood still for a moment and surveyed the surroundings. How could these people seem happy and at peace?

  “Jared, how could they do this?” Kennedy turned to Jared, who was holding her hand.

  “Do what?”

  “How could they just forget that fast? Do they realize or even care that we just buried Kharri? Our baby just got lowered into that cold-ass ground and these greedy motherfuckers here act like they’re at a Fourth of July cookout!” Kennedy said as her voice grew louder and louder.

  “It’s all right, Ken. They’re just here for us—”

  “No one is here for us!” Kennedy yelled at the top of her lungs as everyone in the room turned toward her. “Y’all aren’t here for us, right? Everyone just brought their greedy asses over here to eat for free and drink for free, isn’t that right? You know, all of you, family and friends alike, got a lot of nerve coming over here to take advantage of us in our time of grief. You knew it would be food here. You knew someone would have liquor and beer here. And I bet if I asked for a show of hands as to who brought something besides the immediate family, I wouldn’t see none. And somebody turn that damn music off! This isn’t a party. My baby is dead, do you hear me? Dead!” Kennedy said as she broke down in tears and Jared grabbed her and held her as the house started to clear out.