All Back Full

by Robert Lopez

  The man does like to take his wife for an ice cream at the local parlor. He’ll say this to her if she seems blue in any way. He says, Come on, I’ll take you for an ice cream.

  The woman says, Some would say that being nude is natural. Some would say that it is unnatural to be in nude in public. Some would say that we are social creatures and that we do things in groups, in units, as a clan, a conclave, a pack. Like animals. In certain parts of the world, certain tribes all eat together and drink together and bathe together and they all go upstate together to cabins out in the wild together and they work together and play together and get naked and perform acts on each other together and sleep together and there are no distinctions made between any of these behaviors, but in other parts of the world this is not how people operate.

  Again it is quiet. No one is enjoying themselves.

  The man says, In certain parts of the world they speak incomprehensible languages. Grunts and groans, I tell you.

  The friend says, I’m not sure I understand.

  The woman says, I’m sure you don’t.

  The man says, I don’t understand how people from other countries understand each other. Their languages.

  The friend says, It’s baffling.

  The woman says, Excuse me.

  The woman gets up from the table and leaves the kitchen. It’s unclear if she’s going upstairs to use the bathroom or what.

  Naturism or nudism is a cultural and political movement practicing, advocating, and defending social nudity in private and in public. It may also refer to a lifestyle based on personal, family, and/or social nudism.

  The man actually said naturalism, which isn’t the same as naturism.

  No one noticed his mistake.

  Naturalism is the idea or belief that only natural, as opposed to supernatural or spiritual, laws and forces operate in the world—in other words, the idea or belief that nothing exists beyond the natural world.

  Naturalism has nothing to do with nudity.

  The naturist philosophy has several sources, many of which can be traced back to early twentieth century health and fitness philosophies in Germany, though the concepts of returning to nature and creating equality are also cited as inspiration. From Germany, the idea spread to the UK, Canada, the United States, and beyond, where a network of clubs developed.

  The word naturism was used for the first time in 1778 by a French-speaking Belgian, Jean Baptiste Luc Planchon, and was advocated as a means of improving the natural style of life and health.

  The usage and definition of these terms varies geographically and historically. Though in the United States, naturism and nudism have the same meaning, in Britain there is a clear distinction. Nudism is the act of being naked, while naturism is a lifestyle which at various times embraced nature, environment, respect for others, self-respect, crafts, healthy eating, vegetarianism, teetotalism, non-smoking, yoga, physical exercise, and pacifism as well as nudity.

  The man and woman have never practiced nudism, per se, though they did go to a nude beach once together.

  The woman removed her top but kept her bottoms on, while the man removed his bottoms and kept his top on.

  The woman did this out of modesty, whereas the man didn’t want to expose his chest to the sun.

  The man has had a lifelong heat rash at the top of his chest.

  The friend would go to clothing-optional beaches with a friend of his years ago, but always remained fully clothed.

  That is to say, he wore bathing trunks.

  The friend says, I couldn’t understand my father. My own father. He had an accent. It was terrible.

  The man says, The one with the beard and the hands?

  The friend says, That’s him, yes.

  The man says, I’m sorry.

  The friend says, He was a bastard. I had lunch with him once in an outdoor café somewhere near water. They served us pan-seared whatnots in a whatsoever sauce. I think it was good but I can’t remember. The waitress was from Bulgaria. She didn’t apologize. It was awful.

  The man says, I don’t understand.

  The friend says, I don’t, either. There’s no shame in it. This is our problem right here. We seek understanding. We crave it, we want to touch it, hold it. But understanding doesn’t want this. Understanding wants nothing to do with us.

  The man says, I think you’re right.

  The friend says, The best we can do is….

  The man says, We have to slow down. Speak clearly. Use our words.

  The friend says, This is what I believe.

  The man says, Use hand signals if necessary. Make ourselves as clear as possible so we stay out of trouble.

  The friend says, I’m not sure it’s possible.

  The man says, True. It does seem futile, this attempt. We’re all getting worse.

  The man knew his friend’s father and understood him perfectly.

  That is to say, he understood the words, but the meanings or implications were often lost on him.

  His friend’s father didn’t have an accent, but rather a peculiar way of pronouncing certain words that was nearly impossible to follow.

  The woman returns and sits back down at the table. There’s no telling where she went or what she did when she got there.

  The man runs his fingers through his hair, which he still has, though not for long.

  The man will be completely bald in about three years. What he chooses to do about it, if anything, is anyone’s guess.

  He is not the kind of man that will look good bald. His skull seems misaligned, misshaped. There are several planes and contours, certain protuberances, none of which seem like design.

  Phrenology is a pseudoscience primarily focused on measurements of the human skull, based on the concept that the brain is the organ of the mind and that certain brain areas have localized, specific functions or modules. Developed by German physician Franz Joseph Gall in 1796, the discipline was very popular in the nineteenth century.

  The man says, Earlier today he told me about his experiences on the bus. Dregs and rabble, he said. It was troubling.

  The friend says, No place for women and children, this I can tell you.

  The man says, It’s always women and children first.

  The friend says, What is?

  The man says, When the ship is sinking. It’s women and children first.

  The friend says, First for what?

  The man says, Fuck you first for what.

  The friend says, How do you live with this man?

  The woman says, I won’t answer that question.

  The friend says, It’s always women and children first on the bus, too. First ones on, first ones off. First ones sitting, first ones standing. The bus is always filled with the women and children.

  The man says, The women and their children, that sounds like a title for a movie. About someone cleaning a bathroom. What was it again?

  The woman says, Now is not the time.

  The friend says, What are you talking about?

  The man says, She has an idea for a movie. It’s about a bathroom.

  The friend says, A thriller.

  The woman says, I wouldn’t think you’d find it thrilling. I would think other activities would be more thrilling for you. Even my husband said once that you were a thrill-seeker. I think he said the same about your darling wife, too.

  The man did refer to his friend and Janice as thrill-seekers, but this is something of a misnomer.

  A thrill-seeker is somebody who appears to be addicted to endogenous epinephrine. The high is caused by intentionally inducing a fight-or-flight response by engaging in stressful or risky behavior, which causes a release of epinephrine by the adrenal gland. Whether or not the positive response is caused specifically by epinephrine is difficult to determine, as endorphins are also released during the fight-or-flight response.

  Typical thrill-seeking activities include skydiving, bungee jumping, certain kinds of whitewater rafting, running with th
e bulls.

  The friend and his wife, Janice, aren’t interested in these sorts of activities and haven’t engaged in any.

  The man cannot be characterized as a thrill-seeker, either.

  He doesn’t enjoy epinephrine or adrenalin or stimulants of any kind.

  As a younger man, he was once talked into riding a roller coaster and he didn’t enjoy the experience. In fact, he vowed never to step onto another for the rest of his life.

  The woman who coaxed him into the roller coaster wasn’t the same woman who coaxed him into the river where he nearly drowned.

  However, these two women had a lot in common.

  Both were going away soon, back to where they’d once belonged. Both had height and weight and lived daily lives.

  They were women, like millions of others.

  The woman says, In fact, those were his exact words, thrill-seekers. He said that you and your darling wife were thrill-seekers. Do you remember, Charlie Thrill-Seeker?

  The man says, I’m afraid I don’t.

  The woman says, I do. I remember it well. You were out. You came home late. You were drunk. I was asleep. You woke me. You wanted sex. You were riled. You’d been riled. Then you said what you said about the thrill-seekers.

  The man says, I’m afraid I don’t remember.

  The man does, of course, remember.

  The man was over at the friend’s house for a few beers and to watch the baseball game. It was their habit to get together like this every weekend. They enjoyed this tradition and thought of it as such, one of the few that either recognized or upheld.

  They watched as the local team put forth another embarrassing effort, a putrid display of what only somewhat resembled major league baseball.

  It could easily have been a football game, had it been football season, which it wasn’t.

  Janice was out with friends doing god knows what. She’d be home late.

  Janice was, in fact, at a book club meeting, where they were discussing the virtues of a recently published novel and drinking wine. One woman, a librarian, argued that the novel was an allegory for contemporary America, wherein random acts of violence had become the norm. Almost everyone agreed with the librarian, including Janice, though she was most fond of the character named Genevieve.

  She always liked the name Genevieve.

  The men watched the game and drank and spoke as men do the world over.

  Had it been football season, they’d have discussed the quarterback’s recent struggles and how it was indicative of a greater problem. The quarterback lacked mobility and thus couldn’t avoid the rush. He also didn’t possess a strong arm and often couldn’t throw a tight spiral, particularly if there was any wind or weather.

  This day they dissected the problem with the right side of the infield.

  They spoke of matters great and small.

  They talked about the car parked outside of the man’s house and speculated as to who might own it.

  The friend had a theory that involved a young girl running away from an abusive husband.

  Janice returned home earlier than expected, announcing herself as she barged through the front door.

  She had, by herself, consumed a bottle and a half of Pinot Noir.

  The game was still on but had already been decided.

  After a few pleasantries, Janice put on some music and started to dance. She said she wasn’t finished having fun for the night, though she didn’t think the book club meeting was much fun.

  She decided to join the book club because she was bored and felt isolated in her new marriage.

  The truth is she doesn’t enjoy reading books, but she likes getting out of the house once in a while and drinking wine and listening to the women talk.

  She didn’t read the whole book for this month’s discussion and has no idea what book she’d suggest for next month, as it is her turn to pick.

  This is when she started removing her clothes, which consisted of a business suit and undergarments.

  She carefully folded each item and draped them over the credenza.

  The man considered excusing himself but decided against it. He didn’t want to seem rude or unappreciative, and he’d always thought Janice was attractive and wanted to see what she looked like naked.

  He’d watched her bend over countless times and noted that she favored G-string underwear. This aroused him, as did her belly, which was pierced. She often bore her midriff and exposed her shoulders and legs.

  It seemed as if this performance was intended for both him and his friend.

  While she did focus most of her attention on her husband, she did look over to see if the man was watching. They made eye contact several times.

  The man looked over at his friend, who was enjoying his wife’s performance, but he was careful not to make eye contact. He was pretty sure his friend wouldn’t look up and away from his wife.

  Before long, she was naked, and she danced liked this for a few minutes or hours.

  Then she moved over to her husband and danced in his lap.

  The man was both grateful and disappointed by this. He was hoping she’d dance over his way and grind into him.

  He’d heard of this sort of thing happening before.

  He never considered the idea of swapping wives before this night, but the thought did cross his mind as he watched Janice dance. He drank from his beer.

  The music kept playing. The man didn’t recognize any of the songs, though one was a new release that sampled Charlie Parker’s “How High the Moon.”

  On the television, the quarterback was picked off by a free safety, his third interception of the game.

  By the time the quarterback was walking to the sidelines, Janice was kneeling in front of her husband.

  The man didn’t look away. He saw her go through the motions up and down on his friend and he took himself out of his pants and began doing likewise.

  By the time the quarterback took the field for his next possession, everyone had finished.

  Janice turned to the man and said goodnight. The man said goodnight back.

  She walked upstairs naked.

  The man kept his eyes on the game so his friend could put himself away.

  The man had finished a couple of seconds before they did and so he’d already put himself away.

  Neither said anything and the evening concluded shortly after the game did, which took another half hour and two beers.

  The man got home and his wife was already in bed. He couldn’t tell if she was asleep, so he stepped gingerly into the bedroom, but made a point to knock into the dresser.

  He wanted sex.

  He stripped off his clothes and jumped into bed.

  His wife didn’t stir.

  The man maneuvered right up next to his wife, his erection poking her in the back.

  He started kissing her neck, pulling her hair back as he did so. At first she said nothing; at first there was no discernible reaction to her husband’s affections.

  This sort of behavior wasn’t without precedent, but it had been some time since the man had attempted this sort of maneuver in the middle of the night. Most often he’d fondle himself as a means to initiate some sort of sexual commingling.

  She said, What’s gotten into you?

  He said, You wouldn’t believe it.

  She said, What?

  The man told her what had happened at his friend’s house.

  He left out certain details pertaining to what he did during this episode.

  He suggested they do something like this, together, as a group. He used the word swap.

  The woman was appalled.

  The man did not get to have sex that night.

  Rather, the woman asked a series of questions. Some ended with, And you want that? Others ended with, And you watched?

  The conversation went on for five minutes or years.

  The woman said, I can’t believe you.

  The man said, What was I supposed to do?

/>   The woman said, You have to be kidding me.

  The man said, I’m sorry. It was a mistake.

  The woman said, I can’t believe you.

  The man’s erection subsided and didn’t return until morning, when he woke and had to empty his bladder.

  The woman says, Are you a thrill-seeker?

  The man says, Now is not the time, dear.

  The woman says, Well, if everything is the same and I think we’ve established that it is, then we can assume that now is, in fact, the time. Now is always the time. And because it’s all the same, now is the same as later, so there you are.

  The man says, This is interesting. Is time not an illusion, then? If now and later are indeed the same, then how can we differentiate between now and later?

  The woman says, Fuck now and later.

  The friend says, I don’t feel well.

  The woman says, Do you not feel well now? Because later you might feel better. Later my husband might fuck a tree or a car for us. He hasn’t yet, but he probably wants to try.

  The man says, Now is only the time if we all agree as such. Otherwise, now is not the time. For instance, right now it is nine thirty but it is only nine thirty because we’ve all agreed that it is nine thirty. Who was the first one to figure out time?

  The earliest recorded Western philosophy of time was expounded by the ancient Egyptian thinker Ptahhotep, who said, “Do not lessen the time of following desire, for the wasting of time is an abomination to the spirit.”

  Ancient Greek philosophers, including Parmenides and Heraclitus, wrote essays on the nature of time.

  St. Augustine, in his Confessions, ruminates on the nature of time, asking, “What, then, is time? If no one asks me, I know: if I wish to explain it to one that asketh, I know not.”

  Idealist thinkers, such as J. M. E. McTaggart in The Unreality of Time, have argued that time is an illusion.

  The man has never read J. M. E. McTaggart, nor heard of him, but shares his views.

  Albert Einstein said the only reason for time is so everything doesn’t happen at once.

  The woman says, Joyce fucking Kilmer.

  The friend says, The tree fucker.

  The man says, It’s all the same, it’s true. But we don’t have time for this now. Soon we should have dinner. And no, I will not violate any trees or cars today.