Unraveling

by Micalea Smeltzer

  I guess when you kill Bambi’s mom, you have to wear a stupid cast.

  Love ya, babycakes.

  -Your bestest-est-est friend

  Rollo

  “Thanks Rollo, I feel the love,” I laughed.

  “Just being honest,” he put the cap back on the sharpie and tossed it across the table to Karlie.

  “My turn!” Karlie said, getting ready to stand, but she was interrupted by the appearance of our waiter.

  “What can I get ya’ll to eat?” he asked, pen poised against the paper.

  During all the ‘let’s sign Katy’s cast’ fuss, I hadn’t decided what I wanted to eat.

  When it came to be my turn, I picked some kind of Parmesan chicken thing, and crossed my fingers that I’d like it.

  “So,” Rollo said, taking a sip of his Diet Pepsi, “how come you’re staying at Jared’s?”

  I blushed, but was saved from answering by Jared.

  “That’s my fault, Rollo,” Jared said. “I hated the thought of Katy staying at her condo by herself. She’s still hurt and recuperating. Her ribs are going to be sore for a while and the cast a hindrance, so I thought it would be better if she stayed where someone could look after her.”

  “Admit it, you were just chomping at the bit to have Katy in your bed,” Rollo smirked.

  Jared spewed Mountain Dew across the table. Luckily, I missed the spray.

  “How’d you know she slept in my bed?” He asked Rollo. Then to me, “Did you tell him?”

  I shook my head no.

  Rollo chuckled and looked like the cat that ate the canary. “I didn’t, but you just gave me the answer. Baby cakes, isn’t one to… kiss and tell.”

  Oh, God. This was getting worse by the minute.

  I prayed for a divine intervention.

  I sunk down in the booth, and wished I could sink completely under the table and hide there until dinner was over. I was officially mortified. I could feel the heat flaming my cheeks and was sure that my temperature had probably been raised a few degrees. I loved Rollo, but sometimes he just went too far.

  Karlie, sweetie that she was, changed the subject back to my cast.

  I leaned across the table so that she could sign it.

  When she finished, she handed the Sharpie to Jared.

  Jared skimmed his fingers over mine in a barely-there touch. I shivered at the small contact, the hairs on my back sticking straight up.

  He uncapped the pen, and stuck the end in his mouth, thinking. The pink of his tongue swirled around the tip before he finally pressed the marker to my cast.

  He totally did that on purpose and I was definitely affected by it.

  That fact, scared the bejesus out of me, but excited me at the same time. It meant that something, long dormant inside me, was waking up.

  Jared finished, and I pulled my arm back. I didn’t dare peek at what he’d written; for fear that I might spontaneously combust on the spot.

  Our dinner came and mine was actually pretty good.

  Thankfully, Rollo didn’t make any more embarrassing remarks.

  We dropped Rollo back off at the dorm, he gave me a look that told me he’d expect to know every juicy detail of my week with Jared.

  It was getting kind of late when we got back to Jared’s house. Karlie went upstairs to take a shower and then said she was going to bed.

  Jared collapsed onto the couch and I took the chair.

  “There’s plenty of room for you on the couch,” Jared motioned to the empty space at his feet.

  I took the spot he had indicated and immediately my heart jumped in my chest at the close proximity.

  “You look like you’re deep in thought,” he said, after several minutes of silence.

  I guess I was. I had been since he’d told me about his past.

  How could someone go through something like that, and be so completely normal? I had let my rape eat away at me, and although my rape certainly wasn’t something to be taken lightly, I felt like Jared had, had it even worse.

  I shrugged when he continued to wait for me to say something.

  “Tell me what you’re thinking, Katy. I can see the wheels turning in your head,” he crossed his arms over his chest.

  I sighed and tucked my hair behind my ears. “I just don’t understand how you’re so… normal.”

  Jared chuckled. “Is that a bad thing?”

  “No,” I picked at a piece of lint on my jeans. “But usually people that go through something like what you did… they usually have a lot of baggage.”

  Jared chuckled. “I’ve shipped my baggage away, Katy. There’s no use in holding onto it. I know I have every right to be an angry, bitter person, but I don’t want to be that way. I want to go on with my life. I want to smile, and laugh, and love,” he looked at me significantly. “I can’t do that if I hold onto my past. Sometimes, you have to sever the strings of your past, Katy. You have to set yourself free.”

  24

  Waking up in Jared’s bed was not something I’d grow used to... even if I was already sad at the thought of going back to my condo.

  “Hey, beautiful,” Jared grinned, before yawning. He stretched his arms above his head, flexing his impressive muscles. He rolled over towards me and rested his hand on top of the blanket, but over my hip. Even through the blanket, it felt like I was being seared by his touch. “You didn’t have a nightmare,” he remarked.

  I jumped a little.

  He was right.

  I had suffered from the same nightmare every night since my rape, except for last night.

  Even on nights Rollo stayed over, I still had them.

  But Jared chased them away.

  “You’re right,” I whispered.

  He smiled and I itched to reach out and rub the heavy stubble on his cheeks and chin. “I’m glad you didn’t have one, Katy. I hated seeing you so scared.”

  “You kept it away,” I said before I could stop myself.

  “If there’s anything I can do for you, Katy, keeping that nightmare away has to be the best. I hate that you’ve been reliving that every night. Our dreams are meant to be an escape.” He reached out and picked up one of my curls, playing with it.

  “I’ve grown used to it,” I whispered.

  He let go of my hair and cupped my cheek in his large calloused hand. I stiffened at first, but then relaxed.

  “It shouldn’t be something you have to deal with, Katy. You’re so good. I hate that something like that had to happen to you,” his thumb rubbed circles over my cheek.

  I reached up and put my hand over his. “Jared, you shouldn’t have had to deal with what your dad did to you. Every day, something bad happens to someone, somewhere and they don’t deserve it. You just have to decide if you’re going to let the bad break you… or make you. I hate that I let it break me for so long.”

  “Katy, if you let it break you, you would’ve done something drastic,” his hand guided down my cheek to my chin.

  I took a deep breath, preparing myself to admit my failure. “But I did.”

  “What did you do?” His dark brows furrowed together.

  I licked my lips and sat up. The sheet dropped down to my waist. My arms were bare, the scar easily visible. I held out my arm and Jared studied it. Confused, he sat up and turned on the light. He took my arm in my hand and twisted it in the light.

  “You cut yourself,” he stated.

  “I did… about a week after-” I swallowed, “-after it happened. I couldn’t deal. My mom didn’t believe me and I couldn’t go to the cops. They wouldn’t have believed me, since I destroyed any evidence in my anger.” I chuckled to myself. “Even if I hadn’t they probably still wouldn’t have. I come from a very small town, Jared, a town where everyone knows everybody and their business. Preston was… is,” I amended, “the local hero. Everybody thinks he’s good as gold and worships the ground he walks on. No one can see that he’s fake. Nothing about him is real; it’s all a show. Underneath it all, he’s sick and disgus
ting.”

  A tear slid down my cheek and Jared immediately wiped it away.

  I looked down at the scar on my arm and ran a finger over it. “It used to look different, my scar. My mom made me go to a plastic surgeon to make it less ‘ugly’. She didn’t want people to notice it, and know what I had tried to do. But they knew anyway.”

  Jared gently grabbed my arm. Before I knew what was happening, his soft lips were pressed against my scar. A moan of pleasure escaped my lips.

  “Nothing about you, could ever be ugly,” he said, his lips brushing against the sensitive skin of my arm. I shivered, despite the fact that my temperature had spiked a couple of degrees. He pressed another kiss to my scar before pulling away. “I’m going to get a shower,” he said, getting out of bed. His pajama bottoms were low on his hips. He stretched and I watched the muscles in his back ripple. That, combined with his mention of a shower, had me getting all hot and bothered.

  Jared. Naked. Wet.

  My cheeks flamed and I wanted to crawl in a hole. Even before things went sour with Preston, I’d never had thoughts like this about him.

  Jared opened his dresser door and grabbed some clothes. He flashed me a knowing smile and headed down the hall to the shower.

  I made his bed and got dressed for the day. I’d have to take my shower later, there was no way I could go in there now, after my dirty thoughts.

  I could hear Karlie getting ready in her room, so I decided to make breakfast, albeit awkwardly thanks to my cast.

  I suddenly stopped on the bottom step.

  I’d never read what Jared had written.

  I spotted Karlie’s message first.

  Feel Better!

  Love, Karlie

  Below that, I saw what Jared had written and my heart faltered.

  Kitten,

  You’re my world.

  My one.

  My only.

  Your scars are my scars.Your pain is my pain. But together we can heal eachother because love can heal anything.

  -Jared

  Most people probably wouldn’t have been affected by those words, like I was. But I wasn’t most people. I clung to those words like a lifeline.

  I finally made it to the kitchen and started breakfast. It took me a little while to locate everything, but not too long since the kitchen was so small.

  I made each of us an egg sandwich and had just finished putting everything on the table when Jared and Karlie came downstairs.

  “Something smells delicious,” Jared grinned. “You didn’t need to make breakfast, Katy.”

  “I wanted to,” I said, sitting down next to Karlie.

  “This looks delicious,” Karlie said with a smile.

  “I was –uh- wondering what your plans for the day were?” I asked Jared.

  “I planned to stay here with you,” Jared said. “Dan’s going to be pissed at me for not training but I don’t care. I have to take care of my girl,” he crossed his arms on top of the table and leaned towards me.

  Karlie giggled and I sat there like an idiot.

  Finally, I mumbled, “I don’t need a babysitter.”

  “I know you don’t,” he said, and I nearly drowned in those chocolate eyes. “But I want to take care of you. Is there anything you want to do today?” he asked before taking a huge bite of his sandwich.

  “I need to get a new car. I was hoping to go by the Cadillac dealership,” I sat back, suddenly not very hungry.

  “This is really good,” Jared pointed to the sandwich, “and yeah, I can do that. Are you getting the same car?” he asked.

  “Yeah, I guess. I’d be happy with a used car, or one not quite as fancy, but if I ever go back home, or run into my mom, she’d notice if I had a different car.” I played with the condensation on the outside my water glass of water in order to avoid the intense brown eyes boring into me.

  “Ah, I see,” Jared, said.

  “It sucks having your life ruled by someone else,” I whispered.

  “Then why do you let her? She’s not here, Katy. Why do you let her have her claws in you?” Jared tilted his head as he questioned me.

  “Fear,” I answered simply.

  Fear had steered the course of my life since I was a child. I had always been afraid of my mom. She’d never laid a hand on me… except for the time she’d slapped me when I told her about Preston raping me, but she was a yeller. If something didn’t fit into her perfect plan, she got loud and blamed her mistakes on someone else, usually me. It sucked being the fall guy, but I’d grown used to it.

  I wanted her to love me, so I always did what she told me to. I tried so hard to be perfect, always doing things that made me unhappy, in order to be what she wanted.

  My fear of her, of what she’d think of me, had completely changed me as a person. I wasn’t the outgoing, bubbly cheerleader she knew; I was shy, quiet, Katy Spencer. Maybe parts of my old self were a part of me now, but most of them were a lie. Even though I sometimes longed to be that girl again, I knew deep down, that I was better off as I am now.

  Despite knowing that I’m better off, something inside me still wanted her approval, her love.

  I sniffled and Jared said, “Katy?”

  I knew I wouldn’t be able to hold the tears back and I took off like a bullet.

  I bound up the stairs and into Jared’s room.

  I sunk to my knees on the floor and buried my face in my hands while I sobbed.

  Strong arms wrapped around me and the scent of citrus invaded my lungs.

  “Please don’t hold me,” I choked. “I don’t deserve to be held.”

  “You do, Katy,” he whispered gruffly in my ear. “You deserve everything.”

  The fight left me and I fell back into his arms, against his hard chest.

  “What’s going on in that mind of yours?” he asked. “Why are you upset? What did I say? Tell me so I can fix it, kitten.” When he spoke, his lips brushed against my tear stained cheeks.

  “The truth is, Jared, that I was broken a long time before Preston raped me,” a sob shuddered through my body.

  I felt his lips brush against the side of my cheek. “Katy,” he whispered, at a loss for words.

  “I’ve always been her puppet, Jared. How am I supposed to know who I really am? I wasn’t really the girl I was before Preston raped me and I’m not this girl I am now,” I hiccupped.

  Jared sat down on the floor and pulled me more fully against him. I tried not to wiggle away.

  “Katy,” he said, brushing my hair back. “You are whoever you want to be.”

  I shook my head. “But I don’t know who I want to be.”

  “How about you start by just being Katy? Do you think you can do that?” his voice was husky.

  I nodded. “I can do that.”

  “From this moment on,” his fingers grazed my neck and I jumped, “you aren’t old Katy or new Katy. You’re just… Katy.”

  I pulled out of his arms and stood up. I wrapped my arms around myself and said, “Yeah… just Katy.”

  ~***~

  Jared went back downstairs with Karlie, giving me time to compose myself.

  I picked up my phone and saw a missed call from Sharon’s office.

  Crap.

  I smacked my forehead with my good hand and hit redial.

  The person on the other end came on with their standard greeting.

  “Hi, this is Katy Spencer. I missed my appointment with Sharon, yesterday,” I paced across the length of Jared’s bedroom.

  “Oh, yes. Would you like to reschedule?” the woman asked.

  “Do I need to?” I asked, halting my pacing.

  “There’s no need, unless you want to,” she said in a pleasant voice. I’m pretty sure she probably went home and practiced it. No one sounded that sweet.

  “I’ll just see her next week… but can you tell her that I’m okay and she doesn’t need to worry?” I asked.

  “Of course,” the woman said before I hung up.

  I tossed my
phone on Jared’s bed and quickly followed suit. I stared up at the smooth white ceiling, looking for any kind of imperfection. I was full of them, but I couldn’t find any on the ceiling.

  Preston had been the tipping point, but I’d already been cracking before he raped me, he’s just what shattered me completely.

  “Hey,” Jared said softly.

  I sat up to see him standing in the doorway. He leaned against the doorjamb, his arms, causing his shirt to tighten over his lean chest.

  “You okay?” he asked. “You look like you’re still upset.”

  “I’m fine,” I said, lying back down.

  I heard his footsteps across the room and then the pressure of the bed going down as he lay next to me.

  “What are you looking at?” he asked quizzically.

  “The ceiling.”

  He chuckled and warm tingles swam through my body at the sound. “I can see that, but why?”

  I shrugged. “Looking for answers… something to prove to me that not everything is perfect.”

  Jared snorted. “Nothing is perfect.” Some time passed before he raised himself up on his elbow to look at me. “What’s with your fixation with perfection? Of all people, you should know that no one is perfect. Perfection, is impossible… although,” he leaned close to me, brushing his thumb across my bottom lip, “these lips come pretty close.”

  I let out a nervous laugh and Jared pulled away.

  “I guess… most of the time, my life seems to be in constant chaos, while everyone else’s is smooth sailing,” I mumbled.

  Jared chuckled. “Nothing, no one, and no life, is perfect, Katy. You know that. Everyone has problems but most people never open up about them. They tuck their problems away into neat little boxes and pretend they don’t exist.”

  I forgot about the ceiling and rolled onto my side. I cupped my hands under my head and eyed Jared. “That’s what you do… it’s what I used to do. But I don’t want to do that anymore. I don’t want to keep pretending it didn’t happen.”

  Jared smiled. “Kitten, we both crossed that bridge when we told each other. We stopped filing it away. The truth is out there now, between the two of us and that can’t be undone. I had a shitty childhood. You had a shitty childhood. I was raped. You were raped.”