TAUT

by JA Huss

  I get off the freeway at the next exit, take the off-ramp over towards a truck stop, pull off on a dirt road, and stop the vehicle in the middle of the Nevada desert.

  “What are you doing?” Ashleigh asks.

  I pull the e-brake and turn to face her. “Listening.”

  She stares at me, her eyes darting back and forth across my face. “Did he send you, Ford? Please. You can tell me if he did.”

  “Who, Ashleigh? You’ve asked me that question three times now. Why the hell do you think someone sent me?”

  “Why are you helping me?”

  I throw up my hands and let out a long breath. “I don’t know. I was there. I was reeling from a volatile conversation with Rook back in Denver and I just… I don’t know. I just didn’t have it in me to be a dick, I guess. I was too wounded to put effort into getting rid of you, so I just…”

  Her expression changes from interested to disappointed. I owe her more than this. If I want her to trust me, I owe her more that this lame shit.

  “I wanted company. You needed help. It made me feel… wanted. You were hungry that morning at the hotel and when I said I’d take care of your car you looked so… relieved. And thankful. And then when I told you to put the baby in the van after things were settled and you didn’t question me, it felt good to be in control of two helpless people. It felt good to drive you to a house and get you inside. And buy things that you needed at the store. It felt good to take care of you.”

  “But…” Her eyes are all watery now and I just know she’s gonna cry. I don’t want to make her cry. “But you could’ve just given me money and left me at the hotel. Why did you take me home with you? And don’t say they didn’t have rooms, there’s plenty of hotels in Vail and you can afford all of them. So why invest time in me?”

  I look back at Kate and shrug. “It was strange to see you take care of her. Even though you had nothing, you gave her everything she needed. You are her whole world. She is your whole world. The two of you are a team. And I was missing my team. Ronin and Spencer and Rook are my team. I wanted—I want to be a part of your team.”

  I release a long breath. I cannot fucking believe I just said that shit.

  I turn away and look out the window.

  Her words tumble out and when I turn back to her, she’s got her eyes closed.

  “I feel the stress of an eager distance.

  I clean the mess of a swelling indifference.

  I raise the walls

  And steal your love,

  But it’s never enough

  To meet my needs,

  Or heal me from

  The ruin of rest and decline,

  Falling through the fault line.”

  She opens her eyes and the tears are gathering. I swallow. “Who did you write that for?”

  She sniffs, wipes her eyes, and then turns away. “My father,” she says. “He prefers dogs.”

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  I want more.

  I want so much more.

  I want Ashleigh, I want her baby, and I want a fucking house that is not filled with cold ultra-modern shit. Somewhere that isn’t the suburbs, but I’d make allowances if that’s what she wanted. I want dinner at a table with Kate in a high chair. I want Ash in my bed every night. I want to listen to her thoughts. I want to hear everything she has to say. I want her to write new poems, just so I can be the first one to read them and declare her brilliant. I might even want to get her pregnant. Make her tits and belly swollen with my child and then ravish Glowing Ashleigh until she begs me to leave her alone.

  I want to keep her forever.

  She turns back to me and Composed Ashleigh is in control. “We better get going, huh? You don’t want to miss your meeting.”

  “Meeting?” The word barely registers.

  “Yeah, you said you have an afternoon meeting and—”

  “Right,” I say, releasing the brake. “I’m not sure I’ll make it, so there’s no rush.” I put the truck in gear and pull back onto the highway access road, then get back on the 15.

  I am blown. I am destroyed. I am—

  “Ford?”

  I take a deep breath to calm myself. “Yes, Ashleigh.”

  “Do you think I’m crazy?”

  “What?”

  “For coming all this way just to see him? For not letting go? You can tell me, I get it. It’s crazy. It’s stupid. It’s… it’s… bordering on delusional.”

  “Delusional? Who said that?”

  “My sister. She thinks she knows everything, but she’s just a bitch. She’s never had to deal with this type of situation. How would she know what’s normal and what’s not? I mean, I’m a psychologist. Maybe I don’t have the master’s degree and the license yet, so I’m not official, but I’m qualified in every other respect. I understand my reaction to this situation isn’t quite… textbook. But I figure, it’s my life, right? I’m allowed to live it the way I want. And if I need this last… whatever this is, then I’m not crazy. I just…” She trails off and does not pick it back up. I just glance over at her. I’m not sure what to say. She’s staring out the window, looking down, like she’s watching the road pass by.

  “Just what, Ash?”

  She swallows and takes a deep breath. She’s been better about the crying since yesterday, but even this is a little warning bell telling me how fragile she is right now. She’s held off the tears for one day and to me this is an accomplishment. “I just need to tell him, Ford. I just need to tell him how much I love him and what life has been like for me since he’s been gone. And I do realize that I went about this the wrong way, I get that.”

  I squint my eyes down as I try to make sense of this conversation. I’m not sure what she’s talking about now.

  “I shouldn’t have called my sister from Japan, that was my first mistake. I should’ve known she’d never understand. And then when I saw him at the airport, I just sorta freaked out.”

  “Wait, what? What are you talking about, Ashleigh?”

  She looks over at me and shakes her head. “My road trip. Before you. I flew into LA and my sister had blabbed her mouth off, as usual, and my father sent a driver. I swear to God, I saw that sign that said Miss Li and I almost threw up. So I just walked past and got in a cab. He saw me of course, but what was he gonna do?” She shrugs. “Nothing, he could do nothing. And he was boxed in by other cars, so the cab just left, and I left, and…”

  I wait, or at least I try to. “And then what, Ash? Then what happened?”

  “I didn’t know where Tony was. I needed to ask someone where he was. And I knew his friend’s address in Texas. I made the cab drive in circles around the airport for about an hour, then I went back and got on another plane and went to Dallas. And they thought I was crazy too. I mean,” she huffs out a sad laugh. “Carting this new baby all over the fucking world just to have a final conversation. I get it, Ford. It’s crazy. But needing this… this crazy plan doesn’t make me crazy. Desperate, maybe. But not crazy.”

  I let the silence grow as I try to understand what’s happening.

  What is happening? This is some sort of confession, I think. But of what?

  “Anyway.” She picks the conversation back up. “His friend told me where he was, and of course, it’s in LA, so then I needed to get back there. But I figured flying was a no-go. They already knew I went to Texas, I’m sure. That’s not hard to find out. So I took the last of my cash and bought that crap car and took the least likely route back to California.”

  I laugh a little. “Well, I bet you certainly threw them off your trail with Colorado.”

  She smiles and laughs a little with me.

  “And then… I swear to God, I was sitting there on the side of the road and the tow truck guy pulls up and asks if I need help. I had no money. Like thirty bucks, maybe. It was pretty much over for me at that point. But he said no charge, just get in the truck. So I did.”

  She looks over to me and smiles. “And he took me to you. We we
re getting off the freeway and that tow truck guy stopped to talk to you. And when he pulled away you know what he told me?”

  “I’m almost afraid to ask.”

  “He said, ‘That guy’s a fucking genius. He has all the answers.’ And do you know what I thought?”

  “What?” I smile at her.

  She smiles back. “I thought… I need that guy.”

  A chill rockets through my body. I’m electrified by her words, by her admission, by her desire to have me. I look over at her and she’s gazing out the window again.

  “I need those answers so bad, that’s what I thought. And then you appeared outside my car.”

  “And then I invited you in, and kept you warm. And took you home, and bought you clothes, and played games with your mind when the last thing you needed was my fucking mind games. I’m sorry for that, Ashleigh.”

  She looks back over at me and now she’s grinning. “I’m a Gamer, Ford. I like the games. I’ve gone easy on you”—I laugh out loud at this—“because you seemed a little lost too. But I don’t mind the mind-fuck. That’s part of my job, right? I’m a mind-unfucker.”

  I bust out a guffaw. “Holy shit, you’re so… so… so perfect for me.” She takes a deep breath and I can feel the tension escape with the exhale. “Feel better? Got that shit off your chest?”

  She nods, but she’s still looking out the window. “Yeah. But there’s more, Ford.” When she looks over at me the smile is gone.

  “You can tell me, Ash. I’ll understand, no matter what it is.”

  “I know you will. I know that.” She chews on her lower lip as she weighs her options.

  “Is it a matter of trust? Or fear? You can keep it to yourself, too. If you want. I’m good with denial when it’s necessary.”

  “OK,” she says in her Sweet Ashleigh voice. “I’m gonna hold the rest in for now. Just one more day, that’s all that’s left. In a few hours, all this uncertainty will be over.” She looks over at me again. “And that’s it. The end.”

  “The end of who? Us? Or you and Tony?” This question makes her fight the tears again. I reach over and take her hand. “It’s OK, Ashleigh. You can keep that to yourself too.”

  She fights the emotion and her face scrunches up as she swallows down the bad shit. “I need to for now. It’s so close, ya know. Why rush it?”

  “God, that’s the truth.” I squeeze her hand again and she squeezes back this time. I’m not a hand-holder. I held her hand last night because that was her special request. But I’m not about to let go of her hand right now. This one’s for me. I want to keep a hold of her for as long as I can.

  We drive like that for a while. Just silent. Kate is passed out in the back. Every time I check on her in the rear-view her little mouth is open and her head pressed up against the head support thing. Ashleigh messes with my phone as she makes a playlist, then plugs it into the cassette player. The sad music comes on, that same stuff that had her walking off in the Middle of Nowhere, Utah two days ago. “The Naked and the Famous,” I say absently. She looks over at me, waiting to see if I’ll protest. “It’s your day, Ash. You can listen to whatever you want. Today is all about you.”

  She smiles at that but her mood is somber.

  “Where do you live? I mean, here, in So Cal, where do you normally live when you’re here?” I need to get something out of her before we get to LA, otherwise she might slip away.

  She tilts her head, like she’s thinking about this for a moment, then shrugs. “We don’t have any houses in LA right now. But there’s a condo in downtown San Diego and the family house in Rancho Santa Fe.”

  I raise my eyebrows at her. “That’s swanky.”

  “Where’s your house?”

  “Bel Air.”

  “Very swanky,” she says back. “I think Bel Air trumps El Rancho.”

  “Did you go to school there?”

  “No, a day school in La Jolla.”

  “Swankier.”

  She laughs at this. “I went where I was put, so it’s not like I had a choice.”

  I don’t know what to say after that. The whole Tony thing is just hanging in the air between us. Even Ashleigh seems a little bit uncomfortable. We pass by Barstow, blow through Victorville, make our way through the hills they call mountains out here, and then suddenly LA is looming in the distance. The gray haze of smog that lingers over the tall buildings looks even more ominous with the overcast sky and the traffic begins to slow considerably as we approach the 10. Californians freak out on the freeway if the weather changes. A little rain is a big deal, so I hope the fuck we get off the freeway before it starts pouring. “Westwood, right?” I ask Ashleigh.

  “Yes,” she whispers.

  “You have an intersection, or an address you can put into the phone GPS?”

  “Just take me to Strathmore and Kelton.”

  “Kelton, huh? Not sure where that is. Strathmore is over by UCLA, right? Do you have an address?”

  “Strathmore and Veteran. Just take the 405 up to Wilshire. That’s close enough.”

  “So you won’t give me an address?”

  “It’s my day, remember?” She turns her head away a little more, essentially ending the conversation.

  The traffic is horrific so it takes a good hour to get over on the west side of town. I get off at Sepulveda and head towards the hills, because the traffic getting on the 405 is a nightmare waiting to happen. “My house is not far, Ashleigh. You sure you don’t want to go there first, rest up a little and then make a plan?”

  “No,” Sweet Ashleigh says. “I’m good. Just take me there now.”

  I fight the street traffic for a few miles, then turn on Wilshire and take it up to Veteran. Ashleigh gives directions. Left, straight, right, left again. “Stop,” she says.

  “Where?” I ask, slowing down. There’s no parking here, the place is a clusterfuck of cars and apartment buildings.

  “Just pull over here.”

  I go up a half a block and then whip a bitch and pull into a red zone.

  We sit.

  And then she’s a blur of motion. She’s out of the car and walking back to the cargo area. I get out as she opens the tailgate and pulls out the stroller and then throws the diaper bag and her purse in the bottom area where there’s room for baby supplies. I just stand there, not quite accepting what’s happening. “Ashleigh, where are you going?”

  She ignores me, just unbuckles Kate’s seat and hauls it over to the stroller. She fits it on top of it somehow, like it locks into place, and then folds the canopy over Kate’s eyes because a few drops of rain are falling. When all that’s settled she finally looks up to me. “Thank you, Ford. I am so, so happy that I met you. We’ll have to get together again sometime—”

  “Whoa. Hold on. You’re just taking off? No address or phone number?”

  “I’ll give you my number, call me later, we can make plans.” I fish out my phone and place it in her waiting hand and she types in some numbers.

  “What’s this number go to, Ashleigh?”

  “My cell,” she says, like this phone actually exists. “I don’t have it on me, I need to get another one. I’ll probably do that right after I take care of stuff. So just call me later.”

  I put a hand on her shoulder. “Do you want me to wait? Just in case?”

  She shakes her head. “No, Ford. I’m sorry it’s so rushed, I just need to go.” And then she grips her stroller and walks up the sidewalk to one of the apartment buildings. I watch her for a few seconds because I’m actually unable to move.

  She just walks away.

  When she gets to the door she grabs the handle and pulls, but it’s locked. She glances nervously over her shoulder at me and waves. Then someone comes out the door and they hold it open for her.

  I stand there like an idiot.

  She just fucking left.

  I get back in the truck and stare at the dashboard. I look over at the apartment building door and strain to see inside, but it’s the wr
ong angle from here. A cop car pulls up next to me and rolls down the passenger window. I roll mine down as well, and a few raindrops hit my arm as I wait to see what they want. “You can’t park here,” one of the officers inside says.

  “I’m leaving,” I tell them. “Just get out of my way, I’m leaving.” They pull up a few cars and then stop again, waiting to see if I pull out. I do. I whip a bitch and go the other way. If they are conscientious cops they should probably pull me over for that little move. Check out why the fuck I’d do something like that right in front of them. Maybe threaten me a little, write me a ticket. But they don’t. I check the rear-view and they’re already gone before I get to a little curve in the road, so I whip another bitch and pull over again.

  “What the fuck just happened?” I just spent a week with a girl and her baby. Everything was awesome and now… she just walks away? I grab my phone and call the number she put in.

  Errr-reeee-eeeeet. The number you have dialed is not in service. Please hang up and try your—

  Fucking figured that much. The girl lives in Japan, she has no LA area code number.

  I let out a long breath and shake my head. “Fuck!” I look down at the building again. I can’t see shit, too many trees. And I’m just about to pull out and go see if I can get inside and somehow figure out where Tony lives when I see the stroller going down the road towards Strathmore. I watch and wait and when she gets there, she crosses that street and then continues down Strathmore towards Veteran.

  I pull out and drive slowly after her. Where the fuck is she going?

  I pull back into the red zone I just left and park the truck, then jump out and walk after her. This is a fairly quiet neighborhood, so there’s no one around. When I get down to Strathmore and look for her, she’s already walking around the corner of Veteran. I jog after her because obviously this was not the building where Tony lives. She gave me the wrong address so I wouldn’t know where she was going.