She hated to think of the trouble that was going to cause. She’d promised him that she wasn’t going to get attached. She’d known there was a risk, a chance that this could happen, but she’d insisted to him that there wasn’t anything to worry about.
Did that make her a liar? Or just a woman who couldn’t help falling in love?
He lowered his head to her breasts and dashed his tongue across each nipple. He went back and forth, tasting the dampness that was already there.
She ran her fingers through his hair, wishing there was an easy solution. But there wasn’t one. She had two options: tell him the truth or remain quiet, pretending that everything was okay.
As the foreplay got hotter, she clawed his skin, trailing her nails down his back. Tanner was doing delicious things to her, making her shake and shiver.
By the time he thrust into her, joining their hungry bodies as one, she made her decision.
To keep her feelings for him a secret.
Chapter Fifteen
Two weeks later, they took Ivy back to the prison to see her mother. Candy noticed that Meagan looked much better. At least her hair was clean and combed.
Unfortunately, she remained cautious around Ivy, not interacting with her daughter any more than she had before, even if she looked as if she wanted to. Clearly, she was still feeling inadequate, afraid of not being able to be a full-time mom to her little girl.
“Do you see how much she’s changed?” Tanner asked his sister. “She does all kinds of cool stuff. She swipes at her toys, and sometimes she’s able to grab them and put them in her mouth. She likes looking into people’s faces, and she can support her head and neck without wobbling. She’s even starting to do these mini pushups. And man, can she smile. But she’s been doing that for a while.”
“Yes, I noticed how much she’s changed,” Meagan said, as Candy gave Ivy a bottle. “You guys are doing a wonderful job with her. She seems like a really happy baby.”
“She is,” he replied. “But she still needs you, sis.”
“Given the circumstances, I think she needs you more than she needs me. So please don’t pressure me about it. All I’m doing is considering what’s best for my daughter.”
He frowned, his frustration obvious. But Candy agreed that he shouldn’t push, not while Meagan was still struggling to come to terms with her situation. Life was difficult enough without making it more complicated. Not that Candy hadn’t done that. She battled each day, wishing that she hadn’t fallen for Tanner.
Meagan sat forward in her chair, watching Candy feed Ivy. She was also studying her brother, as if she were analyzing his body language and the way he leaned toward Candy and the baby.
Then Meagan said, “Something is going on with you two. You seem even closer than you were before.”
“Don’t start in on that.” Tanner frowned at her.
“I’ll bet you’re together now. Like a couple or something.”
He blew out his breath. Clearly he didn’t want to discuss his private life with his sister. “Even if we were, it would be none of your business.”
“That pretty much means that you are. I knew you’d end up together.”
He had a troubled expression. Candy was horribly uncomfortable, too, but mostly because of the secret she was keeping. To her, that made Meagan’s observation worse.
When the baby stopped eating, Tanner picked her up. “I’m going outside to burp her.”
“You can burp her in here,” Meagan said.
“Yes, I could, but I need some fresh air.” He shifted his attention to Candy, giving her an apologetic look. “I’ll be on the patio if you need me.”
She nodded and watched him leave.
Once he was gone, Meagan said, “Please don’t get mad at me, too.”
“I’m not mad. But my relationship with your brother isn’t up for discussion.”
“Why not? Because you’re sharing his bed? Or because you’re in love with him?”
Candy started, hoping the color hadn’t drained from her face. “This isn’t a conversation I want to have with you.” Needing a diversion, she stood, trying to keep her feelings from showing. “I’m going to the vending machine to get something to drink. Do you want anything?”
“I’ll take an orange soda.”
Candy walked over to the machine and put in the money. Each can cost a dollar, and the first thing she did with hers was roll it across her forehead, using it like an ice pack.
She returned to Meagan, and they both sipped their drinks. At the table next to them, an older woman and her visitors were playing Scrabble. Candy wished that she was immersed in a board game, instead of gazing at Tanner’s sister in emotionally draining silence.
Meagan softly said, “You are in love with him. Aren’t you?”
Candy hadn’t revealed her secret to anyone, not even Dana. She’d been too stressed to do anything but keep it guiltily to herself. “You have no right to ask me that.”
“Please, just tell me.”
“I’m not discussing this with you.”
“Well, I can tell that you are. And I can tell that you love my daughter, too.” Meagan sighed. “I wish she was yours. Yours and Tanner’s. It would make so much more sense for you to be her parents.”
“You shouldn’t keep saying things like that.”
“But I’ll never be half the mom you are to Ivy.”
“Someday you’re going to make a wonderful mother. You just need to work toward it. And please remember that I’m not Ivy’s mom. I’m her nanny.”
“The nanny who loves my brother.”
“Stop saying that.”
“Fine, but you know what I think? That he loves you, too, and he doesn’t even know it. Some men can be clueless that way. He’s never been in love before, so he doesn’t recognize the signs. But I can tell.”
Candy’s heart lurched. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Yes, I do. And if you love him you should tell him how you feel.”
Candy didn’t want to put herself in that position. It would kill her if Tanner rejected her. She couldn’t take that kind of pain. It would be Vince all over again.
“I wish you and Tanner could get married and adopt Ivy. You guys would be such awesome parents.”
“Oh, Meagan.” Candy shook her head. “Please, stop trying to give your daughter away. And no matter what you seem to think, your brother isn’t going to be the man I’m going to marry.”
“But he’d be a good husband. Now that he has you and Ivy, he’s the happiest I’ve ever seen him.”
Candy still couldn’t let herself fall into the trap his sister was trying to set. Tanner wouldn’t be happy if he knew how Candy felt about him. “Just stop it, okay? Stop trying to push me into his arms.”
“As far as I’m concerned, you’re already there.” Meagan took another sip of her soda, then motioned toward the door. “He’s coming back in.”
Sure enough, there was Tanner. He resumed his seat next to Candy and placed Ivy in her infant seat. The baby smiled at Meagan, and the young mother got tears in her eyes.
But just as quickly Meagan turned to her brother and said, “I want you and Candy to adopt my daughter.”
He made a frustrated sound. “Give it a rest, Meagan. You know we can’t do that.”
“You most certainly can. You’re both perfect for her and for each other. It’s crazy that you can’t see what’s happening in front of your own face.”
Candy’s stomach went tight, the soda she’d drunk turning sour. She squeezed the can, bracing herself, sensing she was about to be thrown under the bus.
And then Meagan did it. She said to her brother, “Candy is in love with you.”
He snapped back, “No, she isn’t.”
“Yes, she is. She wouldn’t admit it to me, but I can tell. You don’t have to take my word for it, though. When you leave here, when you’re alone and looking into her eyes, you can ask her yourself.”
* * *
Tanner barely spoke to Candy on the way home, let alone looked into her eyes and talked about love.
If Meagan was wrong, wouldn’t Candy have defended herself? Wouldn’t she have told him it was bull? That she didn’t love him? But she hadn’t rebuffed the claim.
At this point, he didn’t know what to think. He parked his truck in the driveway, and Candy removed Ivy from her car seat. Silent, they entered the house.
She carried the baby into the nursery. His niece was being fussy, as if she sensed something was amiss, and he couldn’t deal with that, either.
He plopped down on the couch and dragged a hand through his hair, scrubbing his nails across his scalp. He wanted to slam back out of the house and escape the panic that had come over him. But he stayed put, knowing that running away wasn’t going to save him. He was going to have to face a discussion with Candy.
About twenty minutes later, she came into the living room and said, “I rocked Ivy to sleep, but I have no idea how long she’ll stay down. It’s been a strange day.”
“For all of us.” He finally looked into her eyes, the way his sister had told him to do. “Is it true? What Meagan said?”
She sat in a chair across from him, careful, it seemed, not to get too close. “Yes, it’s true. I wish I could say that it isn’t, but now that it’s out in the open, I’m not going to sit here and lie to you.”
“You told me that it wouldn’t be an issue.” He reminded her about what she’d said on the day she’d approached him about being together. “No commitment. No attachments. None of that stuff.”
She released a choppy breath, her chest rising and falling. He could tell that she was nervous. He’d gotten used to her mannerisms. Everything about her was beautifully familiar, making this moment even more uncomfortable.
“I didn’t do it on purpose,” she said.
He didn’t back down. He couldn’t. He was just too damned flustered to speak calmly. “You should have known better. You with your wifely emotions.”
Her temper flared. “You think I’m happy about this? That I wanted to put myself through this kind of agony? I tried to stop it from happening. I fought it, Tanner.”
“Obviously not very hard.”
“What do you want me to do? What am I supposed to say to make it better? I’m not asking for anything from you. I’m not expecting anything.”
Nonetheless, he felt as if he was losing his mind, as if he actually had a wife and child. “I can’t handle it.”
“There’s nothing for you to handle. I’ll move into the guesthouse, and when you find a new nanny, I’ll go back to Eric and Dana’s.”
“You’re quitting?” He didn’t want her to leave, yet knew it made no sense for her to stay. “Ivy will miss you.”
“I’ll miss her, too, but I can’t cope with seeing you every day. Not like this.”
“But you were going to stay here and not tell me that you loved me? How is that any different?”
“It just is.”
“But how?” he asked again, needing an answer.
“Because I knew you’d punish me for feeling the way I do.”
“I’m not trying to punish you.” He was scared. Afraid of the panic and the pain. “I never wanted a relationship because I never wanted to experience anything even remotely similar to my parents’ divorce.”
“That isn’t what’s happening here. We’re not married, and we’re not going through a divorce. It’s not the same thing.”
“It feels the same. Now that you love me, everything is going wrong.”
“Maybe what’s wrong is your inability to love me back.” She clutched the sides of the chair. “Do you want to hear something funny? Meagan thinks that maybe you love me already and don’t even know it.”
His fear went deeper. He didn’t want to think about the possibility of being in love. He didn’t want to be accused of having those types of feelings and certainly not by his sister.
Candy stood up. “Don’t worry. I’m not foolish enough to believe that you love me. And I’m not going to put myself through the pain of hoping and praying that it will happen, like I did with Vince. I can’t go through that again.”
He flinched, hating that he’d been compared to her ex. “I’m not Vince.”
“You’re not destined to be my dream man, either.”
He squinted, trying to not think about the nameless, faceless guy who’d been stirring his envy. “I’m not debating that point.”
“I’m sorry that this is causing so much stress, but I’m not sorry for loving you. Maybe I should be, but somewhere deep inside, I don’t think that love is something I should have to apologize for.”
He didn’t know if he agreed. He didn’t know anything anymore, except that in spite of them not being married, he still felt as if he was on the verge of a divorce.
* * *
Tanner couldn’t sleep. He’d gotten used to having Candy in bed with him. He hated rolling over and not having her there. He hated everything that had transpired today.
Was she awake, too? Tossing and turning in her room?
He didn’t want Candy to move into the guesthouse. But worse yet, he didn’t want her to go back to Dana and Eric’s and leave him and Ivy behind.
He didn’t see how he was going to be able to hire another nanny to replace her. How could he find someone as good and kind and loving as she was?
Loving.
The word made his stomach clench. What if his sister was right? What if he did love her?
Was it even possible to love someone without knowing it? He had nothing to base his feelings on, nothing to compare it to. Also, Meagan wasn’t exactly the person whose opinion he should trust. She only wanted him and Candy to be a couple so they would make a lifelong commitment to Ivy. But he knew that adopting Ivy wasn’t the answer. He wasn’t convinced that Meagan really wanted to give up her child. He believed that she was acting on fear.
Tanner understood fear. But love? That wasn’t within his realm of comprehension.
He glanced at the clock. It was five in the morning. He’d been up most of the night, batting his brain against the wall.
He wanted to talk to someone who could help him dissect his feelings, but other than Eric, he didn’t know whom to confide in. And since Eric was already too close to the situation, with him being the husband of Candy’s best friend, he thought better of it.
There was always Kade. Not that his brother was an expert on love, but at least he was someone to talk to. Plus, they’d been through the same messed-up childhoods, with their parents’ divorce affecting both of them in troubling ways. Tanner assumed that Kade had chosen a life on the road as a means to escape the past. But he couldn’t be sure, as Kade had the tendency to keep his feelings to himself. Normally Tanner did, too. But this was different. He needed to let it out.
He dialed the number and waited while it rang. His brother came on the line and said, “Tanner? What’s going on? Is everything all right with Meagan and Ivy?”
Obviously it hadn’t been the best time to call. The early hour had set off a red flag. “The baby is fine, and our sister is a pain in the butt, as usual.”
Kade laughed a little. “I hear ya about Meagan.” He paused and then said, “I plan to visit her and Ivy when I can. But for now, my schedule is pretty heavy.”
It always was, Tanner thought. But he couldn’t fault Kade for staying away.
His brother asked, “So if this isn’t about them, then what’s up?”
“I’m just going through some personal stuff. With Candy,” he added. He’d alrea
dy told Kade the last time they’d talked that he’d hired his old high school girlfriend to be Ivy’s nanny. “And now I’m trying to figure out if I might be in love with her.”
“That’s why you called? Dang, Tanner, how am I supposed to know if you love her?”
“You’re not. I just needed to talk to someone about it.”
Kade softened his tone. “All tight, so what’s the problem? What’s wrong with loving her?”
“Nothing, I guess. Except that I’m scared.”
“Then you’re going to have to work through that yourself. I can’t help you get past the fear.”
“I know. It’s just that I’ve been alone for so much of my life, and now I have Candy. And Ivy, too. It’s just so foreign from what I’m used to.”
“I remember meeting Candy at Ella’s funeral. She seemed like a sweet girl. And she seemed really enamored of you, even back then.”
“She’s still like that. Sweet, caring, giving. She admitted that she’s in love with me.”
“Then maybe you should figure out what’s in your heart before it’s too late.”
“How do I do that?”
“Truthfully? I have no idea. But don’t drag your feet, Tanner. If you wait too long, you might just end up losing the woman you love.”
Chapter Sixteen
Tanner went into the kitchen to brew a pot of coffee, his brother’s warning reverberating in his ears.
Could he live the rest of his life without Candy? Automatically, he shook his head, knowing the answer.
He couldn’t. He absolutely couldn’t.
He looked forward to every moment he spent with her. She was his best friend, his lover, the adoring nanny to his niece, and the woman he came home to at night. They watched movies together, they laughed, they talked, and more often than not, they analyzed the meaning of flowers. He ate the devil out of her home-cooked meals and made wild, wicked love to her.
Everything they did was immersed in beauty and joy.
How could he not love her? She was always there for him, his helpmate in every way. When he’d asked her to become Ivy’s nanny, he’d referred to the primrose they’d seen at the park and the “I can’t live without you” message that went with it.
The Bachelor's Baby Dilemma (Family Renewal) Page 17
