by Lacey London
Taking my mug, I walk into the living room and watch Aidan run his fingers along the cracks in the wall, taking care not to tread on a purring Mateo.
‘He’s not bothering you, is he?’ I ask, attempting to coax my over-friendly cat away.
Aidan shakes his head and bends down to stroke him. Happily lapping up the attention, Mateo meows like the cat who got the cream as he rubs his head around Aidan’s ankles.
‘Are you an animal lover?’ Perching on the end on the couch, I fluff up the cushions behind me. ‘Since having Mateo, I feel like a house is not a home without a cat.’
‘I was never home long enough to have a pet.’ Aidan gives him a final stroke, before pulling back the curtains to assess the window frames. ‘Work took up the majority of my time.’
‘Where is home?’ I reply, already knowing that his accent sounds far from local.
He visibly flinches and makes a scribble on the paper I gave him. ‘Surrey.’ He says eventually, an edge to his voice that I haven’t heard before.
I want to ask what brings him to a neglected B&B in rural Mobberley, but the counsellor in me warns against it. I’ve slowly realised this is Aidan’s way of communicating. Revealing tiny pieces of information before snapping shut is a pattern of his.
‘Did you have a survey done before you bought this place?’ He mumbles, kneeling down and prodding at the skirting board with the end of his pencil.
‘Of course…’ I walk over to the drawers and rifle through the stacks of paperwork. ‘Here it is.’
Taking the documentation, Aidan flips through the pages and frowns. ‘This a valuation report. You did get a full structural survey, right?’
‘No.’ I chew the inside of my cheek anxiously and frown. ‘The guy who carried out the report didn’t advise further investigations. He had a quick look around and said this was all I’d need considering I wasn’t getting a mortgage.’
‘Technically, he was right, but you shouldn’t ever purchase a property without having it fully checked out.’
I mumble in agreement, really not liking the direction in which this conversation is going.
Beckoning me to follow him, Aidan kneels onto the rug and motions to the skirting board. ‘It looks like you’ve got rising damp.’
‘Rising damp?’ I reach out and touch the wood, before letting out a gasp as it crumbles from my touch. ‘What does that even mean?’
‘It means you’re going to need a damp-proof course, but I should warn you, they can be expensive.’ Offering his hand to help me to my feet, he points to the floorboards. ‘These will polish up beautifully.’
I nod in agreement, trying not to show how disappointed I am for making such a rookie mistake.
‘How long have you been here?’ He asks, taking my mind off the dreaded damp.
‘Not long, I used to live in the apartments down the lane.’ Picking up Mateo, I scratch him behind the ears as he gets comfortable in my arms. ‘Are you familiar with the area?’
‘Not at all. I’ve only been up here for a couple of weeks…’ Writing numbers on the sheet of paper, he ventures into the kitchen and knocks on the partition wall. ‘Personally, I would take this down. It would free up all of this space.’
‘What brings you to Cheshire?’ I interject, the words tumbling out of my mouth before I can stop them. ‘At the B&B, you said you walked to Mobberley.’
‘I needed a change of scenery, so I just packed a bag and walked to the train station.’ Aidan pauses, his pencil pressed to the page. ‘When it first happened, I tried so hard to carry on, but as the days turned into months, I realised I couldn’t stay there a moment longer. I jumped on the very first train that came into the station. Hours passed as I stared out of the window, changing trains at random. I only disembarked when they announced their final stop.’
I lean against the counter, completely mesmerised by what he is saying.
‘When I walked out of the station, I had two choices, left or right. I’ve always tried to do the right thing in life and it hasn’t done me any favours, so I chose left. I walked for miles, following the public footpaths through fields and country lanes until the sun started to set. The B&B was the first place I came to where I could rest my head for the night.’
Aidan’s eyes glass over as he gives me a rare insight into his life.
‘I left everything behind. If it didn’t fit into my suitcase, I was going without it. I told myself, as long as I had the stars above me and some money in my pocket I would be fine, but a week of being alone with my thoughts drove me insane. I just had to get out of there.’
There’s a wobble in his voice, but he disguises it with a forced cough.
‘Venturing back into civilisation was harder than I anticipated. The people, the chaos and the mayhem of everyday life made me feel claustrophobic. I just stood in the middle of the street as panic took over my body. That’s when I saw the sign for Anxiety Anonymous. It was like someone, somewhere, was throwing me a lifeline. If I wouldn’t have walked through that door, I don’t know what I would have done…’
A look of relief creeps onto his face at finally getting a little of his story off his chest.
‘What happened?’ I whisper, inching towards him. ‘What caused you to walk away from your life like that?’
Aidan stares directly at me, neither of us daring to breathe as he prepares himself to reveal what brought him here. Hearing the front door squeak open, I snap back to attention as Aldo’s voice drifts into the kitchen.
‘Shirley?’
‘In here!’ I yell, my voice coming out a little higher than I intended.
Looking at Aidan as Aldo’s footsteps echo along the lobby, I smile apologetically.
‘Hey!’ Taking off his jacket, Aldo throws his keys onto the dining table and heads straight for the fridge. ‘You finally hired a builder…’
‘I did.’ I glance at Aidan, who returns to his list and inspects the back door carefully, obviously not wanting to make small talk. ‘Let’s go into the living room and give him some space to work.’
Striding out of the kitchen, I wait until Aldo curls up on the couch before shutting the door quietly.
‘Where did you find the builder?’ He asks, kicking off his shoes and reaching for the remote control. ‘I didn’t notice a van outside.’
‘He didn’t come in a van.’ I say breezily, really hoping he drops the subject of Aidan. ‘He walked…’
‘He walked?’ Frowning in confusion, Aldo flicks through the TV channels. ‘How did he carry his tools?’
Tickling Mateo under the chin, I shrug my shoulders and pretend to be engrossed in the television. ‘He didn’t bring any tools.’
Hitting pause on the remote, Aldo turns to face me, his blue eyes narrowed. ‘A builder with no van and no tools? What’s going on?’
‘Aidan’s from the support group…’ I explain, trying to keep my voice to a whisper. ‘I mentioned I was looking for a builder and he offered to have a look around…’
‘You’re kidding, right?’ Aldo cuts me off mid-sentence with an expression I can’t quite read.
‘It’s not a big deal…’ I protest, hitting play on the remote control.
‘It’s a huge deal! Aldo hisses, suddenly becoming rather angry. ‘What do you even know about this guy?’
‘His name is Aidan…’
Shaking his head incredulously, Aldo slides over the couch until he is sat just inches away from me. ‘You have invited a complete stranger into your home! Do you have any idea how dangerous this could potentially be? I thought the whole point of Anxiety Anonymous was to be anonymous…’
Becoming increasingly worried that Aidan is going to overhear us, I motion for him to lower his voice. ‘You’re blowing this out of proportion. He’s just doing me a favour, that’s all. The fact he attends the support group is completely irrelevant.’
Aldo opens his mouth to speak, just as Aidan pops his head into the room.
‘So, I had a look around and here i
s what you should expect to pay for the work you itemised.’ Handing over the piece of paper, which is now covered in his handwriting, he gives Aldo a polite nod. ‘I’ve highlighted the things I would prioritise, such as the damp we spoke about before.’
‘Thank you so much, Aidan. I really appreciate it.’
Taking the list from me, Aldo runs his eyes across the text dubiously. ‘How long do you think it will take for you to carry out the work?’ He asks, looking Aidan up and down suspiciously.
‘Oh, I won’t be able to do the work myself.’ Aidan says regrettably. ‘I’m not working at the moment. I just offered to give Sadie an idea of what needs doing.’
Aldo gives him a wary look and I discreetly kick him under the coffee table, praying that he doesn’t give Aidan a hard time.
‘I should be going…’ Aidan says, breaking the tension by reaching for his backpack.
‘Are you sure you won’t stay for a drink?’ I ask, really not wanting him to leave when we came so close to revealing the truth earlier.
He politely declines and I follow him out into the hallway. ‘I’m sorry about Aldo. I didn’t realise he would be calling over today.’
‘It’s fine. I did what I came to do.’
We hold eye contact and I smile back at him, his dark eyes appearing a shade lighter than when he arrived. ‘Well, if you ever need a friend, you know where I am.’
With a quick nod, Aidan pulls up his hood and strides down the garden path. Leaning on the doorframe, my heart pangs with sadness as I watch him walk away. He needs help, he needs a hug and more than anything else, he needs a friend. When I was at my lowest point, I had Aldo right by side. He lifted me up when I was down, he ensured I got the help that I needed and he refused to give up on me.
Unfortunately, we’re not all lucky enough to have an Aldo. To have that one special person who will stand by us when no one else will is a rare thing. Some people, like Aidan, have to just hope that someone, somewhere, has their back and keep on believing that everything will turn out okay…
Chapter 13
Shoving my feet into my trainers, I fumble with the laces before allowing myself a quick stretch. Today is my day off and with the sun shining brightly, I intend to dedicate the entire twenty-four hours to some much-needed me time. Recognising I’m about to leave, Mateo lets out a disappointed meow, before retreating into the living room. Leaving him to sulk, I push my way outside and immediately slip on my sunglasses.
Throughout the course of last night, the heavy rain and howling wind slowly subsided and if the warm rays beaming down on me are anything to go by, it looks like we’re in for a beautiful day. The blanket of blue above is perfectly clear. There’s not a cloud in sight as far as the eye can see. Filling my lungs with fresh air, I pop in my earphones and give a friendly wave to my neighbour across the lane.
Music floods into my ears as I stride past the row of quaint cottages and take a sharp right to cut across the daisy-littered field. The grass is wet beneath my feet as I duck beneath the overgrown trees to join the secluded bridle path. Although I’ve lived in Alderley Edge for many years, it was only recently that I discovered this particular walkway. Unlike the popular tourist spots, this trail is often secluded. You can walk for hours on end and still not see another person.
With the house move and extensive training courses for Anxiety Anonymous, I haven’t had much free time to dedicate to my beloved countryside. Losing myself in the trees and woodland is one of my favourite things to do. There’s something quite magical about being completely alone. To be completely at one with nature and detached from the rest of the world is an incredible feeling.
Approaching a tired gate, I pull myself onto the pew and throw my leg over. Landing in a heap on the other side, I dust myself down and carry on. The path ahead becomes wider as I pound against the gravel, pausing only to take a gulp of water from the bottle in my backpack. Wiping my brow, I smile to myself as I spot a couple of ponies in the field to my left. Unable to resist, I push my sunglasses into my hair and stick my hand over the fence. Immediately looking up, a small pony trots towards me.
‘Hello.’ I whisper, leaning down to stroke his neck.
Rubbing his head against the palm of my hand, the friendly pony gives me a final swish of the tail before returning his attention to the grass.
Continuing on my journey, I breathe in deeply and feel every muscle in my body relax. This is my happy place. Being in the open air gives me a great sense of freedom. It enables me to clear my mind and to free myself from the daily grind that clouds my judgement. It also makes me realise why Aidan feels so comfortable at the B&B.
After Aidan left last night, Aldo and I spent the night on the couch watching movies, just like old times. Sometimes, I miss Aldo so much it actually hurts. Since I sold the apartment, we have both moved on with our lives and inevitably, our friendship has been put on the back-burner ever so slightly. We’ll always be incredibly close, that will never change, but I understand why we’ve had to loosen the strings a little. I’ve relied on Aldo so much in the past and I guess I always will, but he has more in his life to focus on right now. I know his door will always be open, but now the time has come for me to stand on my own two feet.
A squawking sound behind me catches my attention and I look over my shoulder to see a flock of birds soaring through the sky. Too busy watching them dance on the horizon, it takes me a moment to realise that I’ve walked further than I ever have before. Not being deterred, I continue ahead and enjoy the sensation of warm sun on my skin.
After a while, the track fizzles out into an arid patch of grass, which finally disappears into the dense cluster of trees. Deciding to see where it goes, I wipe my sweaty brow and duck between the branches. Pushing my way through the untidy bushes, I curse as a nettle scratches my bare ankle. Not being able to see more than a few feet in front of me, I continue to struggle through the forest until I see light in the clearing ahead.
Finally stumbling into sparse grassland, I rest my hands on my knees and try to steady my breathing. Blinking repeatedly, I scour the deserted area for the next public footpath sign. Unable to find one, I turn back and try to retrace my steps. Quickly realising I have taken a wrong turn, I attempt the opposite direction, only to find myself in another isolated area.
Panic rises in my throat as it dawns on me that I don’t know where I am. Trying not to freak out, I spin around and take in my surroundings. I can’t possibly be lost. I was on the bridle path just a few moments ago! Peering through the leafy branches, my heart starts to pound as I try to think about this clearly. A ten-minute walk in one of four directions will lead me back to the public trail. Taking a stab at right, I shield my face from the spiky twigs and power on through.
Stopping when I spot a patch of flowers I don’t recognise, I let out a panicked groan as my ears start to ring. My blood runs cold the second I hear that all-too-familiar sound. The sound that indicates the start of a panic attack makes my stomach churn uncontrollably. Leaning against the trunk of a tree, I feel paralysed with shock. This cannot be happening. I have done with anxiety and panic attacks. I conquered anxiety and panic attacks.
Reminding myself that I teach people how to deal with this every day of the week, I squeeze my eyes shut and slowly count to ten. Nausea races through me as my knees start to tremble and my legs become increasingly weak.
‘Piss off, Ann.’ I hiss, wiping my sweaty hands on my leggings. ‘Just leave me alone…’
‘I’m sorry?’
Inhaling sharply, I spin around to see an elderly man in a cap peering through the branches in confusion.
‘Are you okay?’ He asks, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose.
The shock of realising I’m not alone brings my panic attack to an abrupt end and I breathe a sigh of relief.
‘I’m… I’m lost.’ I manage, an embarrassed laugh escaping my lips. ‘I followed the path through the trees and now I can’t find my way back.’
‘
Don’t worry.’ Chuckling heartily, he adjusts his flat cap and pushes a branch back with his walking stick. ‘It’s easily done out here. I don’t normally come this far, but Aloysius decided to go on a little adventure. Oh, look! There he is now…’
A scuffling sound rustles behind me, before a huge Siberian Husky jumps out from between the trees.
‘There you are!’ The elderly man laughs as Aloysius tucks his tail between his legs guiltily. ‘He won’t hurt you. He’s as timid as a mouse. Aren’t you, Aloysius?’
Holding out my hand, I wait for him to inspect it before going in for a stroke. Lapping up the attention, Aloysius wags his tail back and forth manically.
‘Do you think you could show me the way back to civilisation, Aloysius?’ I ask, crouching down to his level and scratching his chin.
‘Don’t ask him! He gets lost in the bloody garden.’ His owner jokes. ‘Come on, love. I’ll show you the way.’
Smiling thankfully, I grab my backpack and follow him through the woodland. As my saviour tells me about his life with Aloysius, I nod along and try to ignore the fluttering in my stomach. Although I managed to nip it in the bud before it got out of control, recognising the early signs of a panic attack has unnerved me. Since my breakdown, I haven’t had so much as an unpleasant twinge. So, why? Why now? Was that a sign of things to come, or merely an example of how panic and anxiety are normal emotions in potentially dangerous situations?
I’d convinced myself that my brush with anxiety was short-lived. I genuinely believed I was now in the safe zone. Ann had moved on. She had decided that I’d been through enough and was ruining someone else’s life. It seems that even if Ann has gone, she’ll never truly be forgotten…
FALLING DOWN IS A PART OF LIFE.
CHOOSING TO GET BACK UP AGAIN IS LIVING…
