by Lacey London
Chapter 14
Setting out the circle of chairs, I take a moment to enjoy the silence and inhale deeply. As usual, I made it to the support group a short while before the meeting is due to start and I’m using my time wisely.
Unlike some other counsellors, my counselling style is very casual and unrestricted, but there’s one thing I insist on. Before I chair a meeting, I have to take a moment to clear my mind and put my own problems to one side. I quickly discovered that I can’t fully commit to the role if my mind is constantly wandering to other issues. Over time, I’ve learned to leave my own troubles at the door and pick them back up again on the way back out.
After my woodland adventures yesterday, Mateo and I spent the evening trying to wind down. Whilst I scribbled away in my diary, Mateo took great delight in ripping holes in the new sofa throw. Despite being on this planet for twenty-six years, I’ve only recently started a diary. Putting my feelings down on paper was Ruby’s idea and despite my initial reservations, I must admit that I find it strangely addictive. Yes, there are weeks that go by where I don’t give it a second thought, but once I pick it up, I find it difficult to put back down again. Writing down those niggling thoughts is proving to be the only way to get rid of them.
It’s surprising how many thoughts run through your mind on a daily basis. Ninety percent of which you forget five seconds later. At first, I didn’t really know what to write. I’ve always thought diaries were for hormonal teenagers and unorganised women in the midst of a mid-life crisis, but after a slow start, I’ve got it down to a fine art.
Placing the final chair in the centre of the circle, I look up to see Aidan stepping into the room.
‘Hey!’ I look down at my watch and realise there are still fifteen minutes to go. ‘You’re early…’
Since his visit to Blossom View, I haven’t seen or heard from him, but I was secretly hoping he would reappear at Anxiety Anonymous. We came so close to making progress a couple of days back, it would be such a shame for him to abandon counselling before we have even started.
‘I wanted to catch you before the others arrived.’ Dropping his backpack onto one of the chairs, he rifles through it before producing a sleek business card. ‘I called around a few places regarding your damp and these guys come highly recommended. They’re competitively priced and can start the work whenever you’re ready.’
‘That’s so nice of you, Aidan. Thank you.’ Touched by his kind gesture, I take the card and smile gratefully. ‘You didn’t have to do that…’
I trail off as I notice a couple of paintbrushes sticking out of his backpack. ‘Are those brushes?’ I ask, leaning over for a closer look.
Nodding in response, Aidan opens the bag to reveal a selection of brushes, rollers and paint samples. ‘I was thinking over what you said at the last meeting, about keeping busy?’
Happy that he’s acted on my advice, I nod along and beam brightly.
‘I have a lot of spare time on my hands and it enables me to overthink things. So, to stop me from going crazy, I thought I could help you with the decorating. That is, if you don’t mind?’
‘That’s a great idea, but are you sure there isn’t anything else you would rather be doing? I’m not sure there are many people who would give up their free time to paint someone else’s walls.’
Aidan smiles and shrugs his shoulders. ‘Well, I’m not sure there are many other people with a mind like mine…’
I hold his gaze for a moment, searching for the right thing to say. In the end, I choose to breeze straight past it.
‘How are you fixed for tomorrow?’ I ask, as a couple of people arrive for the meeting and promptly take their seats.
Aidan nods in agreement and I excuse myself to chair the meeting, just as Ruby walks into the room.
‘Hi!’ I say in confusion. ‘What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be at work?’
‘I got off early, so I thought I would come along.’ Blowing a bubble with her chewing gum, she scans the seating area and whispers in my ear. ‘Why does that guy look so familiar?’
Already knowing she is talking about Aidan, I don’t bother to turn around.
‘Is that who you were talking to in the street the other day?’ She presses, keeping her eyes fixed on him.
‘Yes.’ Not wanting to draw unwanted attention to Aidan, I turn my back to him. ‘He’s staying at the B&B opposite the farm, so you might recognise him from there.’
‘The Shepard?’ Ruby asks sceptically, screwing up her button nose. ‘He’s staying at Leonard’s place? Why?’
‘You tell me.’ I reply, organising the stack of paperwork on my desk. ‘It’s hardly luxury, is it? I was worried it was going to fall down and take me with it.’
‘I’m surprised health and safety haven’t condemned the place. My dad has been telling Leonard to sell up for years now.’ She bites her lip and steals a discreet glimpse at Aidan. ‘Wait a minute, why were you at The Shepard?’
‘I happened to see him when I was at your mum’s party. He invited me over…’ As soon as the words escape my lips, I silently kick myself. ‘Anyway, you should sit down, we’re about to start.’
‘Hold your horses!’ Ruby exclaims, her eyes wide with curiosity. ‘Do you care to elaborate on that?’
‘Not right now.’ I hiss, very aware of the many pairs of eyes that are burning into us. ‘We can talk later…’
* * *
‘So, he’s been here, too?’ Ruby demands, looking at me as though I have completely lost my mind. ‘Why?’
‘Like I said, he was giving me building advice.’ Ruby’s eyes narrow and I try my best to sound nonchalant. ‘Honestly, there’s nothing more to it.’
‘You couldn’t find another builder?’ Clearly not willing to accept my explanation, Ruby continues to give me the third degree. ‘One from the area who could actually carry out the work?’
‘You sound like Aldo.’ I grumble, pushing myself up from the grass and dusting mud from my jeans. ‘Speaking of which, he should be here at any moment.’
Heading into the kitchen, I groan as I hear Ruby running inside after me.
‘I understand you’re just trying to help this guy, but don’t feel like you’re obliged to, you know, befriend people...’
‘You befriended me and look how well that turned out.’ I reply, shooting her a wink.
Not being able to deny this, Ruby reluctantly nods in agreement. ‘Just don’t get too involved and make his problems your problems.’
‘Point taken.’ Grabbing a cloth, I wipe down the work surfaces and fill the sink with soapy water. ‘Anyway, that’s enough about Aidan. How are you?’
A look of worry flashes across Ruby’s face, immediately signalling a red flag.
‘I’m fine.’ She insists, hopping onto the kitchen counter and pretending to be completely absorbed in the spice rack.
‘Fine?’ I repeat doubtfully, not believing this for a second. ‘What is it? Come on, spit it out.’
Choosing to ignore me, she picks up a bottle of basil and inspects the label closely.
‘Is it Escapism?’
‘No! I love Escapism. You know how much my job means to me.’ Ruby squirms, visibly wanting the ground to swallow her up, but I continue to stare at her regardless.
‘Then what is it?’ I probe, keeping my gaze fixed on her.
Pressing her for information when she clearly doesn’t want to give it up might seem harsh, but if something is bothering her, I want to hear about it.
‘Frank.’ She eventually mumbles, turning her attention to Mateo. ‘It’s probably nothing, but I’ve felt a little… uneasy lately.’
My heart tightens at the mention of Frank. ‘Oh, Ruby…’
‘It’s no big deal.’ She protests. ‘Coming along to the meetings has helped me to keep him at bay.’
‘Why didn’t you say anything?’ I ask softly, genuinely upset that she hasn’t confided in me.
‘Because it’s ridiculous!’ She exclaims, fol
ding her arms crossly. ‘I’ve been so annoyed with myself. For the first time in my life, things are going really well and I’m just waiting for it to fall apart. I’m constantly testing myself, because I genuinely can’t believe my luck. It’s got to the stage where I’m worrying, because I’m not worrying.’
‘I’m so sorry you’re feeling low.’ Reaching out, I give her arm a gentle squeeze. ‘It’s a horrible thing to accept, but anxiety isn’t something you can turn off and walk away from. You’re the one who taught me that, remember?’
Managing a tiny nod, Ruby mumbles in agreement and picks up Mateo.
‘Unfortunately, anxiety doesn’t care whether things are good or bad. Frank isn’t fussy. He will bulldoze his way into your life either way. You just have to be strong enough to know that you’re the one in control.’
Ruby reluctantly smiles and strokes Mateo’s cheek.
‘Have you spoken to your mum about it?’ I ask, reaching into the drawer and handing her a bag of cat treats.
‘My mum is the last person I want to talk to when Frank comes knocking.’ She sighs heavily and wipes her hands on a tea towel. ‘Even after all these years, she still doesn’t get it. The last time I mentioned Frank to her, she got really mad and told me this has gone on for long enough. Sometimes, I think she resents me for it.’
‘Resents you? Why on earth would she resent you?’
‘The time and money they have put into fixing me, I guess.’ She shrugs her shoulders sadly. ‘I thought I was making progress by taking the internship, but maybe I haven’t. Maybe I am just pretending. Maybe I am acting out a role that isn’t real…’
‘Am I pretending?’ I fire back, consumed with annoyance at her mother’s attitude to her obvious torment. ‘Am I acting out a role that isn’t real?’
‘Of course not!’ Ruby frowns and takes a sip of water. ‘You’re doing amazingly well. You have taken a bad experience and turned it into something literally life-changing. You’re my hero.’
Tears prick at the corners of my eyes and I desperately blink them back. Before I can reply, Mateo meows as Aldo appears in the back garden.
‘Batman.’ He says decidedly, walking into the kitchen with two pizza boxes. ‘Batman is my hero, hands down.’
I exchange confused glances with Ruby and wait for him to explain himself.
‘Oh, come on!’ Aldo protests, flipping open the lid and taking a huge slice. ‘He’s totally the coolest superhero!’
‘Why?’ Ruby asks, reaching into the box and suppressing a giggle.
‘He’s just a man!’ He exclaims, grabbing a bottle of wine from the fridge. ‘Nothing unbelievable, no gimmicks and no stupid costumes…’
Not knowing which one of those three to debunk first, I accept a slice of pizza and chew away happily. Laughter fills the kitchen as Aldo and Ruby tease one another playfully. Anyone can be a superhero. It’s not always about having a cape or supernatural powers. The real heroes are all around us. They slip in and out of our lives without us even knowing and if we’re really lucky, they decide to stick around for a little while…
Chapter 15
‘What do you think of this for the front door?’ I ask, pointing to a burgundy tab on the colour wheel.
Reaching for the paint sample, Aidan shoots me a questioning look and raises his eyebrows. ‘It’s your house. It’s your call.’
‘Okay…’ Swallowing a giggle, I stand back to scour the other options. ‘What would you go for?’
Taking a moment to assess the rainbow of colours, he points to a turquoise tab confidently. ‘This one.’
Not being convinced, I hold the sample close to my face. Blue Boulevard. I wouldn’t have bothered to give this shade a second look, but now that I have it in my hands, I don’t want to put it down. The blue has a unique grey undertone, making it both charming and sophisticated. There’s something almost celestial and captivating about it.
‘Let’s go for it.’ I announce, slipping the card back into its resting place on the display.
‘Don’t you want to take a few samples to try it out first?’ Aidan asks, his hand hovering over the pots of paint.
‘No, I trust you.’ Taking hold of our shopping trolley, I wait for him to grab a giant tub and dump it amongst the mountain of masking tape and dust sheets.
As we make our way to the cashier, I marvel at just how well this morning has gone. When Aidan arrived at Blossom View earlier, we jumped straight into the car to hit the DIY store. I was a little concerned that traipsing around the shops with a near stranger would be a tad awkward, but Aidan has been surprisingly cheerful. We haven’t discussed the support group, his past or his mental health, but Aidan seems to be more at ease than I’ve ever seen him. It just shows that sometimes, a little normality can be all the therapy a person needs.
Once we have paid and buckled ourselves into our seats, I flick on the radio as we head back to the cottage. Cruising along the road, we fall into a comfortable silence as music drifts out of the speakers. I look over at Aidan and smile as I notice him silently singing along to the music. Catching me looking at him, he swiftly stops humming and clears his throat.
‘She used to love this song.’ He mumbles, scratching his stubble and pulling his brow into a frown.
‘Who did?’ I ask, turning it up for him to enjoy.
‘My wife…’
Sensing that I’ve touched upon a delicate subject, I discreetly turn the volume back down.
‘We would sing this in the car as we drove along the beach. I can still hear her voice now, as though she’s right here with me. That vision of us tearing along the road is what haunts me every night. Every single time I close my eyes she’s there and I’m right back in that moment. Reliving it over and over again…’
Gripping the steering wheel tightly, I indicate right and swing around the roundabout, trying my best not to appear shocked by what he is telling me.
‘Every emotion I felt at that moment comes flooding back to me on a nightly basis, until I finally block it out enough to grab a few hours of sleep. The anguish of realising she’s not next to me in the morning is ten times worse than the agony of the night before.’
Completely lost for words, sadness fills my heart as the song comes to an end and dance music takes its place. Turning onto the driveway, I bring the car to a steady stop and pull on the handbrake, racking my brains for the right thing to say.
Immediately snapping out of it, Aidan grabs the bags from his feet and reaches for the handle. ‘Alright, let’s get to work on this door.’
Smiling back at him, I tactfully drop the subject and lead the way inside. As Aidan tears open the packaging on his paintbrushes, I wander into the garden in search of Mateo. Just as I left him an hour ago, he’s sprawled out on the grass, joyfully basking in the sunshine.
Propping open the door to allow the breeze to blow through the cottage, I frown at the faded paintwork.
‘Aidan…’ I shout, peering closely at the old back door. ‘Do you think we have enough paint to do this door as well?’
Stepping into the garden, Aidan runs his fingers over the wood and nods. ‘We have more than enough, but I should probably start with this one as it will need sanding down first.’
‘Fab!’ I twist my hair into a ponytail and pull a pair of gardening overalls from the pantry.
Stepping into the scratchy onesie, I reach for the strange ball of barbed wire he is holding. ‘What do I do with this?’
‘It’s to remove the remnants of the old coat before we apply the new paint.’ He explains, handing me a pair of gloves.
‘Like nail polish?’ I ask, copying his movement and making circular motions on the panelling.
‘I’m sorry?’
‘Never mind.’ I mumble. Sometimes, I forget that not all men are manicure-loving extroverts like Aldo.
‘Actually, you’re right.’ Aidan says suddenly. ‘It’s exactly like nail polish. If you think of it in manicure terms, we’re stripping the nail back to its n
atural state before applying the base coat.’
‘I thought as much!’ I let out a laugh and press the scouring pad against the wood.
‘My wife was a beautician.’ He adds, explaining his knowledge of women’s beauty treatments.
Realising this is the second time he’s spoken about his wife, I decide to try and explore the subject further. I’ve established that his wife is central to his torment, but I still have absolutely no idea why. All I have are random scraps of information that I’m trying to piece together like a complex jigsaw.
‘What’s her name?’ I ask, making an effort to keep my voice light.
‘It’s Melanie.’ Aidan sighs and I notice his shoulders tense up. ‘Or at least, it was Melanie.’
Hearing the confirmation that Aidan’s wife has sadly passed away makes my heart break for him.
‘Well, Mel, not Melanie. She hated being called Melanie. Only her mother got away with calling her that.’ Aidan grins and for the first time since I met him, his eyes crinkle into the smile. ‘It’s impossible to comprehend that she isn’t around anymore…’
‘I’m so sorry.’ I reply, my heart physically hurting for his loss.
Wiping the old paint fragments to the floor, he kneels down to scour the bottom of the panel. ‘Mel was my first love. We met on the first day of college and never looked back. I always thought I was incredibly lucky to have made it through life without having my heart broken, but now I’m paying the ultimate price.’ Looking down at his bare ring finger, he raises his eyebrows sadly. ‘Have you ever had your heart broken?’
‘Once.’ I reply, reaching up to the top of the door. ‘There’s nothing quite like the pain of being hurt by someone you love. That empty ache inside you just won’t leave. It’s like grief.’ I stop to wipe my brow and realise he’s staring at me. ‘My failed engagement is actually how I found myself at Anxiety Anonymous.’
I automatically glance down at the infamous inking on my finger and feel a plethora of emotions hit my stomach.
