by Lacey London
‘How did you transfer from attending to hosting?’ He asks, dropping his scouring pad as Mateo jumps into his lap.
‘It’s a long story.’
‘Well, I’ve got a lot of time…’
Chapter 16
The sun set hours ago, yet Aidan is still here. He is still painting and we are still talking. I haven’t got to the bottom of exactly what happened to Mel and I’m a little afraid to ask. The snippets of information he’s revealing are painting the world’s saddest picture. What happened to Aidan’s wife and how did it lead to him being in the middle of the Cheshire countryside, hundreds of miles away from home?
‘We agreed on everything from politics to religion, but music divided us each and every time.’ He laughs gently and dips his brush into a tin of white paint, before carefully running it along the skirting board. ‘She would have loved it up here. Cheshire is very similar to Surrey.’
I crouch down to apply masking tape to the floorboards and smile. ‘What is your home life like?’
Aidan pauses and wipes a blob of paint from his forearm. ‘We had a lovely semi-detached, just outside of London. Mel adored that place, but it’s gone now. I don’t have a home anymore.’
‘You must have a home.’ I reply, tearing off the end of the tape with my teeth. ‘Even if that home is only temporary.’
He exhales loudly and taps his brush against the paint pot. ‘In that case, I guess The Shepard is my home.’
‘How long do you plan on staying there?’ Folding my legs beneath me, I lean across him and remove a smear of magnolia from the floor.
‘I haven’t really thought about it, but it’s where I shall be until I figure out my next move.’ He says decidedly, resting the brush on a pile of newspaper.
Watching Mateo pad over the rug in his search for a suitable resting spot, I take a moment to admire the fresh paintwork. ‘What are your options?’
‘The world is my oyster, but I don’t want to be a part of it without Mel.’ He mumbles sadly, moving further along the skirting board. ‘I don’t want to be anywhere anymore. The only place I want to be is with my wife.’
Sensing that he’s becoming uncomfortable with my questions, I clap my hands together and jump to my feet. ‘You must be starving after all the work you have done today. The least I can do is repay you with a meal. What do you say?’
Aidan inspects the skirting board for a final time before sealing the tin of paint. ‘It’s very kind of you to offer, but I should probably be heading back to the B&B. It’s getting pretty late.’
I look down at my watch and I’m surprised to discover it’s almost midnight. I would say that time flies when you’re having fun, but tonight hasn’t exactly been fun. It’s been sad, heart-breaking and utterly absorbing, but to call it fun would be incredibly insensitive.
‘I can’t believe it’s so late!’ I stammer, slightly embarrassed. ‘I’m terribly sorry for keeping you.’
‘It’s fine.’ Aidan dismisses my apologies and pushes himself to his feet. ‘It’s been nice to talk to someone instead of driving myself crazy at The Shepard.’
I smile happily, overjoyed that he’s seeing the benefits of talking about his feelings. ‘Now that you’ve seen how liberating it is to talk about your emotions instead of keeping them bottled up, maybe you will feel comfortable enough to speak at the support group?’
‘I don’t know.’ His smile freezes and he shakes his head reluctantly. ‘You’re a lot easier to talk to than a room of strangers.’
Blood rushes to my face as I start to clear away the newspaper. ‘Why?’
‘Because you don’t ask me any questions that I don’t want to answer.’ Reaching for his jacket, he gives Mateo a final stroke of the head. ‘What time is the last bus back to Mobberley?’
Automatically reaching for my car keys, I shrug my shoulders. ‘I have no idea, but I’ll give you a lift home. It’s the least I can do.’
‘Are you sure?’ He asks, tugging on his backpack.
‘Like I said, it’s the least I can do.’
Slipping on my trainers, I head out to the car and wait for Aidan to fasten his seatbelt before pulling out onto the quiet lane.
‘You know, there’s a taxi service if you want to get around, rather than relying on public transport.’ I change gear as we breeze past the deserted golf course. ‘That bus route is unreliable at the best of times.’
‘Taxi drivers want to chat. They want to know all about your day. The good, not the bad. I can’t lie for the sake of small talk.’ Aidan replies, turning to look out of the window. ‘The bus, on the other hand, is always quiet. No one talks to me, no one looks at me, no one even breathes in my direction.’
Slowing down as we approach a sharp corner, I resist the urge to remind him once again that talking is exactly what he needs.
‘Did you find it hard to talk to people?’ He asks, placing his elbow on the armrest. ‘It seems to come so naturally to you.’
‘I can assure you, it doesn’t. Even after all this time, talking about my feelings can still be uncomfortable and that’s completely normal. From being young children, it’s drilled into us that we shouldn’t talk to strangers. We are constantly reminded to not reveal anything about ourselves to people we don’t know.’
Aidan nods along, seemingly absorbed in what I am saying. ‘I can actually remember my mother saying something similar.’
‘Exactly. To reveal our innermost fears to strangers goes against everything we have ever known to be normal, which is why we find it so difficult.’ We come to a stop at a set of lights and I turn to face Aidan. ‘But it does get easier. Just as quickly as we taught ourselves to keep things buried, we can teach ourselves to open up.’
The lights change to amber and I lift my foot off the brake.
‘You make it sound so easy.’ He groans, as I hit the accelerator.
‘I never said it would be easy. What I am saying is that it’s possible and that’s where faith comes into it. If you have faith, absolutely everything is possible.’ I turn left onto a country road and flick on the high beams. ‘We must always have two things in life. Faith and hope. Hope is having the ability to hear the music of the future and faith is having the courage to dance to it today.’
Looking over at Aidan, I can’t help noticing he looks like he’s seen a ghost.
‘Are you okay?’ I ask cautiously, debating whether I should pull over.
Quickly composing himself, Aidan looks down at his lap. ‘I’m fine. It’s just, Mel used to say those exact words to me.’
A strange feeling washes over me as I stare at the road ahead.
‘As long as I have hope, faith, a bed beneath me and the stars above me, all will be right with the world.’ He smiles fondly and holds his ring finger to his lips. ‘How did it come to this?’
My mouth becomes inexplicably dry as I search for the right answer to his question. What do you say to someone who has tragically lost their wife, ran away from home and confided in you, a complete stranger, over everyone else? Not even the extensive counselling courses teach you how to deal with this.
‘You don’t think it will ever happen to you, do you?’ He ponders, tapping his room key on his knee. ‘The number of road accidents I used to see driving back and forth down the motorway. I’d give them a cursory glance and continue with my journey. I didn’t really think about them after that. I wouldn’t give another thought to the fact that someone’s life had just changed forever.’
Road accidents? Did Mel die in a car crash?
‘Don’t ever take people for granted, Sadie. Tell those you care about you love them, because tomorrow isn’t promised to anyone. My dad used to tell me that, but I didn’t take any notice until it was too late.’
I smile sadly in response and rest my hand on the gearstick. My heart is breaking for him, but I refuse to let him see. Aidan’s a proud man. Sympathy will only cause him to clam up again.
I try to focus on my driving, but my mind is brooding
over Aidan’s words. It’s no secret my own mother and I don’t get along, but I would be devastated if anything happened to her. I try to picture myself telling her I love her. Three little words neither of us has said in many years.
‘Are you close with your parents?’ He asks, as though reading my mind.
‘No.’ I answer honestly. ‘My mum and I have a somewhat strained relationship and I’ve never met my dad.’ Even though this has been the case all of my life, saying it out loud still stings.
‘How about you?’ I ask, turning the tables on him. ‘Are you close with your parents?’
‘I idolised my mother, but she passed away a few years back. My dad is back in Surrey. He lives with my sister and her family…’ Spotting The Shepard in the near distance, Aidan falls into silence.
We pass Ruby’s farm and I notice that apart from one light, the entire building is in darkness. Knowing that Ruby spends her evenings watching YouTube clips of different holiday resorts across the globe, I smile to myself and swing into the B&B’s car park.
‘Thank you so much for today.’ Flicking on the interior light, I turn down the radio. ‘You’re a star.’
‘It was my pleasure.’ He replies quietly. ‘To be honest, I had started to forget what human interaction was like. A bit of normality is exactly what I needed.’
My heart swells with pride at the difference in Aidan. He is a million miles away from the sullen man who crawled into Anxiety Anonymous just over a week ago. Despite Aldo’s reservations, I knew all he needed was a friendly chat and the willing ear of someone who would listen.
‘Well, whenever you want to feel normal there’s a whole cottage back there just crying out for a someone to bring it back to life.’
‘Ironically, that is exactly what today has done for me.’ Aidan releases the handle and steps out of the car. ‘Thank you, Sadie.’
I smile back at him and nod as he quietly closes the door and walks over the gravel towards the entrance. Immediately starting the engine, I put the car into reverse and spin around, before turning back onto the empty road. As I press my foot to the floor, I glimpse into the rear-view mirror and notice Aidan watching my car disappear into the darkness. Sadness weighs heavy on my shoulders at leaving him here alone. He’s a grieving man, miles away from home, in a frankly desolate bed and breakfast. He should be being comforted by his friends and family, not detaching himself from those who love him.
I’ve always believed that having faith is being able to see the light with your heart, when all your eyes can see is darkness. Anxiety and depression create mountains that seem impossible to climb, but with faith and hope, we can move them…
Chapter 17
Stirring my spoon around the giant mug, I get comfortable in the plush armchair and watch a busker playing his guitar across the street. I’ve been waiting for Julia in Thelma’s Tea Room for around fifteen minutes, but I should clarify that the delay isn’t Julia’s fault, it’s mine. Generally, punctuality isn’t something I’m known for, but when it comes to Thelma’s Tea Room, I could arrive an hour early and still wish I’d come earlier. With its shabby-chic interior and resident Poodle, Thelma, Thelma’s Tea Room is unique in its retro charm. You could sit here for hours and still find something new to look at.
The sound of the door chime twinkling brings me back to reality, just in time to see Julia striding across the café towards me. As usual, her bohemian-inspired fashion sense is in full swing and her bangles jangle together loudly as she shakes off her vintage jacket.
‘Sadie!’ She gushes, planting a red kiss on both of my cheeks. ‘How are you?’
Quickly grabbing the attention of the waiter, I order Julia a cappuccino as she takes her seat.
‘I’m good. How are you?’ I reply, my smile widening as I take in her deep tan. ‘How was Portugal?’
‘Fabulous, but more importantly, how are things at Anxiety Anonymous?’ Julia rolls up her sleeves and pushes her glasses into her grey curls.
‘Great. My release cushion idea has been very well received.’ I pause as another mug appears on the table. ‘Admittedly, people were a little sceptical at first, but I asked around at the last meeting and they’re keen to keep it.’
‘Excellent!’ Julia raises the cup to her lips and places it back down when she realises it’s too hot to drink. ‘Maybe I should run the idea past the charity. It might be a good idea to roll it out across all branches.’
My lips stretch into a smile at the thought of my idea being implemented up and down the country.
‘And how are you within yourself?’ Julia asks suddenly, making me squirm in my seat.
‘Like I said earlier, I’m good.’ I flash her my most reassuring smile and pick up the menu.
Being a counsellor herself and effectively my boss, Julia has this knack of knowing when I’m holding something back.
‘No bad days you want to talk about?’ She presses, slipping on her glasses and narrowing her eyes.
My mind flits back to my panic in the woods and I feel my skin prickle. Convincing myself it’s not worth mentioning, I decide to leave it out.
‘Honestly, I’m fine!’ I laugh off her concerns and push the menu towards her.
Seemingly unconvinced, she takes the menu and flips through the laminated pages. ‘How did the house move go?’
‘Pretty smoothly, but the cottage requires quite a bit of building work…’
‘I can recommend a few people.’ Diving into her handbag, she pulls out a floral address book. ‘In fact, my brother-in-law is…’
‘I’ve already hired someone, but thank you so much.’ I rest my elbows on the table, weighing up whether or not I should tell her about Aidan. ‘It’s actually someone from the support group.’
Julia kicks her tote bag beneath the table and beams brightly. ‘That’s great! At least you’ll know where to find him if you’re not happy with the work!’
I laugh along and feel myself start to relax. I knew Aldo and Ruby were making a mountain out of a molehill. If Julia thought for a second that it was inappropriate to hire Aidan, she wouldn’t hold back in voicing her concerns. Trying to defeat the opinion that sufferers of anxiety and depression should be treated with an air of caution is one of my main objectives at the support group. Normality is what they crave and my job is to ensure normality is exactly what they will get…
* * *
Waving goodbye to Julia, I weave through the blanket of people and come to a stop outside an old antique store. A dazzling presentation of vintage rubies and seductive emeralds sparkle back at me as my inner shopaholic screams out for a jewel. The lure of a gem to slip onto my finger and lose myself in its magic has me itching for my bank card.
Just as I am tearing myself away from the stunning display, my stomach drops as I see a figure I recognise inside the shop. A quick double-take confirms to me that the shadowy silhouette belongs to my mother. Watching her wander around the store, I debate making a swift escape, but my feet feel frozen to the spot. Exchanging her card for a glossy bag, she raps her nails on the counter as the cashier passes her a lengthy receipt.
An almost trance-like state takes over me as she pushes her way out onto the street.
‘Sadie!’ She exclaims, stopping abruptly and dusting down her blazer. ‘What are you doing here?’
‘Hi, Mum.’ Tucking my hair behind my ears, I immediately feel self-conscious. How does she do that? How does she manage to make me feel an inch tall within seconds of being in her presence?
‘What are you doing here?’ She repeats, clearly not impressed at bumping into me.
‘I met a friend for lunch.’ I reply, choosing not to tell her about Julia given her disdain for my choice of career. ‘How are you?’
‘Fabulous.’ She shakes her chocolate bob and her earrings twinkle gently. ‘I’m just picking up some things for our trip to New York next week.’
My eyes flit to the antique store behind her and back again. Realising she isn’t going to ask how I am, I decid
e to move the conversation along.
‘So, I moved into Blossom View.’ I stand to the left to allow a group of shoppers to pass. ‘It’s finally starting to feel like home.’
‘Uh huh...’ She mumbles, obviously still no happier at my decision to purchase the cottage.
‘It’s perfect. Mateo loves it, too.’
She looks at me blankly and I bite my lip.
‘The cat, Mum. Remember?’
‘Of course!’ She exclaims, forcing a thin smile. ‘The cat.’
We stand opposite one another in the street, neither of us knowing what to say. Recognising that if we have any hope of building a relationship I have to be the bigger person and step up, I clear my throat awkwardly.
‘I don’t suppose you want to grab a coffee, do you?’ I point to the cafe opposite and bite my lip as she stares back at me, completely stumped.
‘I would love to, but I’m meeting Mick for dinner shortly and I don’t want to be late.’ She stammers, frantically looking at her watch for effect. ‘You know how he is.’
A smile twitches at the corner of my mouth and I don’t know whether I want to laugh or cry. My mother’s partner is a sore subject at the best of times and today is no different.
‘You’re welcome to join us…’ She adds hastily. ‘We’re going for a drink with a few of his friends first.’ Her eyes dart around nervously, begging me to decline and be on my way.
‘Thanks, but I should probably get going.’
She visibly breathes a sigh of relief and smooths down her hair. Mick will always be her priority and that will never change. She will continue to detach herself from everyone around her, just to keep her horrid Mick smiling.
‘Well, it’s good to see you, Sadie. I hope all these changes you’ve made are making you happy.’ She gabbles, trying to put meaning behind her words.
If this strained conversation wasn’t so uncomfortable, I would actually laugh out loud. Only my mother would see leaving stilettoes and a materialistic life behind as a negative thing.
