by Lacey London
‘I am happy.’ I insist, suddenly very aware that we’re having this chat in the middle of a very busy street.
Studying my mother’s face, I notice her twitching awkwardly.
‘I better get going.’ She announces, taking a step back and pointing in the opposite direction to which we are facing. ‘We shall have to go for that coffee another time.’
‘Definitely.’ I confirm, both of us safe in the knowledge that this arrangement won’t take place.
Tugging down her sleeves, she smiles thinly and starts to walk away, the sound of her heels clacking loudly on the pavement echoing in her wake. As I watch her weave through the sea of shoppers, Aidan’s words ring loudly in my ears.
Don’t ever take anyone for granted, Sadie.
Tell those you care about you love them, because tomorrow isn’t promised to anyone.
‘Mum!’ I yell, the words firing out of my mouth before I can stop them.
Racing after her, I don’t stop running until we are just a few feet apart.
‘I love you…’ I whisper, not quite believing what I’m saying.
‘I’m sorry?’ Screwing up her nose, she leans in closer and frowns.
‘I love you.’ I repeat, my skin flushing violently as a passer-by shoots me a strange look.
‘Are you okay?’ She asks, obviously perturbed by my unusual public declaration.
The look of complete and utter shock on her face is enough to make me giggle. ‘I’m fine! I just wanted you to know that I love you!’
‘Well, that’s very… nice.’ Fidgeting uneasily, she casts a look around to ensure no one is listening. ‘I love you, too.’
A laugh escapes my lips as she makes a fast escape and vanishes into the crowd. My mother and I haven’t exchanged those three little words in so long, I actually can’t remember the last time they were said. Hearing her say it now, regardless of how strained and forced it was, lifted my spirits immensely.
She might ridicule my decision to become a counsellor, but she has unwittingly just been counselled and she doesn’t even know it…
Chapter 18
Checking my phone for messages, I try to ignore the niggling feeling in my stomach that something is wrong. I’ve just wrapped up the latest Anxiety Anonymous meeting and it’s troubling me greatly that Aidan didn’t show. Of course, he has no obligation to attend, but the little voice in the back of my mind is telling me that something isn’t quite right.
After our decorating marathon, I had high hopes that Aidan had turned a corner. He divulged more to me in that one day than the whole time he has been at the meetings. I look down at my phone and tap my fingers on the screen. I don’t have any way of contacting him and I think rocking up at The Shepard to check on him would be crossing the line into obsessive.
Convincing myself he will come to tomorrow’s meeting, I slip my phone into my bag and push my way outside.
‘Shirley!’ A deep voice yells in the distance.
Looking over my shoulder, I break into a smile as I see Aldo striding towards me.
‘What are you doing here?’ I ask, offering him my cheek for a kiss.
He waves a bottle of fizz in the air and slips his leather-clad arm through mine. ‘Fancy a drink?’
Resting my head on his shoulder, I let him lead me towards his car. ‘You have no idea how good that sounds.’
Climbing into Aldo’s Audi, I study his pretty face and immediately reminisce about days gone by. For many years, Aldo and I were inseparable and I wouldn’t have had it any other way.
‘Why can’t we just stay young forever?’ I muse, clicking in my seatbelt as Aldo turns over the engine. ‘Life was so much easier back then.’
‘Was it really though?’ He glances in his mirror before pulling onto the road. ‘The easy option is to look back through rose-tinted glasses…’
I turn to face him and shoot him a questioning look. Is Aldo right? Is the time I look back on so fondly not as sweet as it once seemed?
‘Just think about it. Back then, our only concern was for cigarettes and alcohol. It was fun while it lasted, but if we’re honest, it was an empty existence.’
‘Cigarettes?’ I repeat, not being very impressed with him dismissing that time of our lives as hollow. ‘I never smoked!’
Aldo laughs at my reaction and squeezes my knee reassuringly. ‘Oh, come on. You know what I mean! We have both moved on since then. We’ve grown-up. We finally care about people other than ourselves.’
‘I’ve always cared about you!’ I interrupt in annoyance, slapping away his hand.
‘One another, aside.’ He adds, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. ‘We’ve joined the real world and on the whole, it’s pretty great.’
I cast my mind over the last six months and nod in response. ‘I guess you’re right, but those years were some of the best times of my life…’
I trail off as I realise Aldo is pulling over opposite the apartment block where we used to live. Putting down his window, he strains his neck and looks up at the iconic building. You can’t see much from down here, but it doesn’t stop the memories flooding back, both good and horrendously bad.
‘You know I come past here every day, don’t you?’ I whisper, weirdly feeling as though I need to keep my voice down in case the apartment overhears.
‘So do I…’ Aldo mumbles. ‘But it’s not the same as actually taking a moment to soak it up. We should go back in and have a look around.’
My blood runs cold and I shake my head. ‘Why would you want to do that?’
‘Just to reminisce.’ He lets out a yearning sigh and points at our old window. ‘This place still feels like home to me.’
‘The apartment is in the past.’ I attempt to smile at him, but my frown stays firmly in place. ‘If you keep looking back, you’ll never fully move on.’
‘Don’t be a party pooper!’ He teases, putting the window back up and turning off the engine. ‘Let’s go in…’
‘No!’ I yell, a little louder than I intended. ‘Can we please just go home?’
Aldo squints at me suspiciously. ‘What’s going on, Shirley?’
‘Nothing!’ I force myself to smile and motion for him to put the car into gear. ‘I’m fine.’
‘No, you’re not. You’ve got those shifty eyes you get when you’re worried.’
Automatically closing my eyes so that he can’t see them, I silently curse myself as I realise he’s right. I am worried. I am worried about Aidan and as hard as I’m trying to fight it, Aldo sees straight through my positive mask.
All throughout the meeting, I kept my focus fixed on the door, just waiting to breathe a sigh of relief as he walked through it. It’s taking all of my willpower to not drive up to The Shepard and check on him. He’s hundreds of miles away from home, he doesn’t know where is and he doesn’t have a single person he can lean on.
‘Shirley…’ Aldo nudges my leg and waves his arms around to regain my attention. ‘What is it?’
Licking my dry lips, I let out a drained groan. ‘I’m concerned about the welfare of one of the people at the support group.’
‘Okay…’ Aldo nods and scratches the tip of his nose. ‘Isn’t there some kind of process for that? Like a programme or a scheme you can refer her to?’
Deciding not to tell him that it’s Aidan who I’m worried about, I take a deep breath before replying. ‘Yes, but I just wish I could do more for them.’
Aldo smiles back at me proudly and starts the car. ‘You really do put everything you have into your job, don’t you? Most people shut off the second the clock strikes five.’
‘It’s not as simple as that when you’re dealing with people…’
He indicates right and joins the steady stream of traffic. ‘I work with people and I shut off when I walk out of the door.’
‘That’s different.’ I glance over my shoulder and watch our old apartment block disappear into the trees as we speed down the lane. ‘You work with people’s hair, not pe
ople’s minds.’
Julia constantly reminds me that I can’t allow my work at the support group to have a negative impact on my personal life and until now, I haven’t. I know I am thinking about Aidan more than what is necessary, but no matter how hard I try, I just can’t shake him from my mind. The thought of him in the B&B alone and grieving is tearing me up inside. He needs help, more help than he is receiving by attending the odd Anxiety Anonymous meeting.
Maybe he’s decided that it’s time to return to Surrey. Maybe he’s taken the break that he needed and is now in the right frame of mind to start taking his life back. I picture him arriving in his hometown, surrounded by family members and friends who are delighted to have him in back in their circle.
Ruby’s comment regarding the longevity of people in your life comes back to me and I chew over her words thoughtfully.
Not everyone is meant to stay in your life forever.
Aidan stumbling into my life like he did was so random and I will forever be grateful that our paths crossed, even if this is where our journey ends. After all, life doesn’t give you the people you think you want. Life gives you the people you need. It gives you people to love, to hate, to make you, to break you and to transform you into the person you were always destined to be…
Chapter 19
My stomach throbs with laughter as I reach over and clink my glass against Aldo’s.
‘I know what we should do!’ He suddenly exclaims, sitting bolt upright on the couch. ‘Let’s download a dating app!’
With a mouthful of bubbles, I resort to a firm shake of the head.
‘Oh, come on! It will be fun!’ Grabbing my phone from the coffee table, he starts to tap at the keypad as I furiously hit him with cushions. ‘It just takes a few clicks…’
Before I can put down my fizz, Aldo’s face breaks into a smile as he waves the handset around happily. Sliding across the sofa, Aldo taps the screen repeatedly. ‘It’s so easy. All you have to do is tap twice if you like the person and once if you don’t. But first, I need a photo of you.’
‘No!’ I protest, covering my face with my hands as he bats them away playfully. ‘How do you know how this works, anyway?’
‘Everyone knows how this works.’ Aldo shrugs his shoulders as his lip curls into a grin. ‘Oh, here we go. I can just use your Facebook picture.’
Knowing that he isn’t going to give up, I grab my glass and squint at the screen as he quickly fills in the registration details.
‘Now, he’s cute, right?’ Aldo muses, delight beaming out of his face at being tasked with scouring through a catalogue of hot men. ‘What do you think?’
Taking the phone from him, I look at the man staring back at me. It doesn’t take me more than ten seconds to realise that he isn’t for me. Tapping the picture, I wait for the next image to load.
‘What was wrong with him?’ Aldo asks, shuffling closer for a better look.
‘He has a mohawk…’ I grumble, swiping away the next image as soon as it loads.
‘Oi!’ He yells, snatching the phone out of my hands. ‘There’s no point if you’re not going to play properly.’
Bringing up the previous image once more, he tilts the handset in my direction. ‘How about this guy? He’s hot!’
‘He’s also twenty-one!’ I add, not succumbing to his razor-like cheekbones and chiselled jawline. ‘Next…’
Aldo lets out an annoyed huff and takes a slug of his bubbles. As he skims through the pictures, I shake my head repeatedly. What’s wrong with me? I’m being offered dozens of gorgeous men and I don’t have so much as a twinge of interest.
Finally getting the hint, Aldo hands me back my phone before reaching into his pocket and producing his own. After scrolling through the images, he clears his throat dramatically and spins around the screen. Without breathing a word, he sits back and cradles his glass smugly.
Now we’re talking. The man in the photo is undeniably beautiful. Wearing a slick black suit and a pair of thick-rimmed glasses, he stares confidently into the lens. His dark floppy hair is combed back neatly as his piercing eyes sparkle like chocolate diamonds against his olive skin.
‘Well?’ Aldo demands, already knowing what I’m about to say.
‘He’s alright.’ I reply, making sure to get another glimpse of the hunk before handing over the phone. ‘Who is it?’
‘That, Shirley, is the guy I’ve been telling you about.’ Aldo taps the screen and brings up another bunch of equally beautiful photos.
I stare at the handset in awe, not being able to deny that the man in the images is achingly attractive.
‘His name is Pierce Harrington...’ Aldo whispers, swooning over the photos himself. ‘And he is desperate to meet you.’
‘I am honoured.’ I tease, taking a sip of fizz and snuggling into the cushions.
‘So, you’ll go?’ Aldo confirms, fist pumping the air in celebration.
‘No.’ I mumble, bracing myself for an attack.
He stares at me open-mouthed, trying to work out if I’m joking. ‘No?’ He repeats finally. ‘What the hell are you talking about? Why not?’
‘Because there’s no point. I’m not looking for a relationship at the moment, so I would just be wasting his time.’ I hold out my glass for a refill as Aldo grabs the bottle from the cooler.
‘You don’t need to marry him!’ He exclaims, filling my glass to the brim. ‘It’s not about putting a ring on it. It’s about getting you back out there again.’
I stare down into my glass and watch the bubbles swim to the top like fireworks.
‘I know this is out of your comfort zone, Shirley, but the magic only happens when you leave your bubble.’ Aldo stretches out his skinny legs and brings up Pierce’s picture once more. ‘You’re frightened. You’re afraid of getting your heart hurt again, but if you don’t go, you will be letting your anxiety control a whole area of your life. Just think of the advice you dish out at the meetings. You’re neglecting a part of your life that you should be enjoying to the max.’
I nod along, recognising that everything he’s saying is one hundred percent correct. Isn’t it time I practice what I preach and taste my own medicine? Mateo stirs in his sleep and yawns lazily. Could I make room in my heart for another person? Mateo jumps to his feet and meows loudly, as though indicating that I could.
‘Alright.’ I announce finally. ‘I’ll do it...’
‘You will?’ Aldo shrieks, clinking his champagne flute against mine to seal the deal.
‘I will.’ I confirm, not being able to resist smiling back at him. ‘Being wined and dined again wasn’t on my bucket list, but if it will shut you up, I shall give it a go.’
‘You won’t regret it, Shirley. I swear, he’s perfect for you!’ Aldo beams brightly and kicks off his boots. ‘Whilst we are on the subject, what is on your bucket list?’
Before I can respond, he tears two pages from the magazines on the coffee table and hands one to me, along with a chewed pen.
‘Let’s write them down and we can make it our mission to tick them off, one by one.’
You know it’s time to step away from the alcohol when Aldo starts making lists. Draining my glass, I remove the pen lid with my teeth and watch Aldo scribble away busily. He’s obviously been thinking about this for quite a while. Pulling my bobble out of my hair, I let my blonde locks fall around my shoulders and rack my brains for what exactly it is I want to do before I die.
Clearly not having the same trouble, Aldo drops his pen with a flourish.
‘Are you ready?’ He asks, not waiting for a response before starting to ramble off his list. ‘I want to spend a year in Paris, I have to meet Nicky Clarke, I need to see Gaga live…’
‘You have been spending far too much time with Edward!’ I throw back my head and giggle as Aldo continues to reveal his lifelong ambitions.
When he finally finishes, he hands over his piece of paper proudly. Reading the never-ending list for myself, I picture Aldo doing each and every
one. There’s not a single part of me that doubts he will achieve his goals, and in a fabulous fashion, too.
‘Your turn.’ He demands, holding out his hand for my own list. ‘Hand it over.’
Reaching down to stroke Mateo, I bite my lip and stare at the two words I squiggled on the sheet of paper in front of me. Confident there’s nothing else I want to add, I flick it towards Aldo. Blinking repeatedly, as he always does when he’s sozzled, he checks the back of the paper twice for anything he might have missed.
‘Be happy?’ He says, scowling and putting down his glass. ‘That’s not a bloody bucket list!’
‘A bucket list is a list of things you wish to accomplish before you die, isn’t it?’ I ask, lifting Mateo onto my lap and holding him close to my chest.
Reluctantly nodding in agreement, Aldo’s lips stretch into a smile.
‘Well, if at the end of my time on earth I can say that I have lived a happy life, I will have achieved absolutely everything I wanted to…’
Chapter 20
Watching the release cushion make its way around the room, I try not to feel disheartened. He’s not here, again. We are only five minutes from the end of the meeting and Aidan hasn’t shown. I always find it difficult when people leave Anxiety Anonymous as I become so attached to them, but my instincts are telling me this isn’t a usual case. Something doesn’t feel quite right, I just can’t put my finger on what it is.
As I ponder the circumstances around Aidan’s mysterious disappearance, the release cushion lands with a gentleman I don’t recognise. Immediately sitting up straight, he turns the pillow over in his hands.
‘Hello.’ He mumbles, his face immediately flushing as everyone’s gaze turns to him. ‘I’m not here for myself. I’m here for my daughter. My wife and I are in the process of divorcing and she isn’t taking it all that well.’
Coming back to earth with a thud, I snap to attention and zone in on his words.
