by Lacey London
‘I don’t mean to sound naïve, but I’m not sure if she’s suffering from anxiety. I’ve spent hours on end scouring the web and anxiety is the one thing I keep coming back to. She’s not really eating, she doesn’t want to get out of her bed and I’ll randomly find her crying for no apparent reason. Trying to get her to attend a social event of any kind is near impossible. The only place she seems to be comfortable is at home.’
He pauses and studies the release cushion closely before speaking again.
‘I don’t want to cause offence, but this whole mental health thing is all very new to me. I’m very much of a pour yourself a drink and pull yourself together kind of guy. I just came here in the hope that you can help me to understand what she’s going through.’
Having heard these concerns many times in the past, I understand this perfectly. ‘I realise how difficult it must be for you to comprehend your daughter’s struggles, but it is very common for children to suffer symptoms of anxiety and depression after a divorce. Recognising that something is wrong is the first step in getting your daughter the help that she needs…’
‘Help?’ He interjects, looking rather worried. ‘What kind of help?’
‘Don’t be alarmed. Help can be something as simple as talking.’ I offer him a friendly smile in the hope that he relaxes. ‘Have you tried speaking to your daughter about how she feels?’
‘No.’ He replies sadly. ‘Every time I bring it up, she seems to push me further away. I thought it would be best not to draw attention to it.’
‘A lot of children in her position feel neglected and unloved when their parents decide to separate. Keeping an open and honest communication between you will help her to realise the divorce isn’t going to affect the relationship you have. Sometimes, talking is all the help a person needs…’
I continue to tell him about the forum and a few others chip in with snippets of advice before I wrap up the meeting and make my way outside.
As I slowly wander across the car park, I raise my eyebrows as I spot Ruby leaning against the bonnet of my car.
‘You couldn’t give me a lift home, could you?’ She asks, smiling sweetly and immediately climbing into the car, not bothering to wait for a response.
After throwing my handbag and jacket into the boot, I jump into the driver’s seat and shoot Ruby a questioning look. ‘Is everything okay?’
She nods for a moment, before shaking her head as we turn out of the car park. ‘I’m not sure…’
‘What is it?’ I press, already on high alert after our talk the other day.
Ruby cracks her knuckles nervously and rubs her face. ‘I have a dilemma.’
The word dilemma causes my stomach to flip as I change lanes. ‘Okay…’ I reply, bracing myself for what I am about to hear.
‘They want me to go to the Caribbean.’
I frown and indicate left, relief washing over me at discovering it isn’t something horrific. ‘Who does?’
‘Escapism. They’re sending a bunch of newbies on a tour of their bestselling hotels to get a better idea of what we’re selling.’ She pauses to assess my reaction before continuing. ‘In total, we would see six islands and visit twenty-one hotels. It’s two months and all expenses are paid…’
‘That’s amazing!’ I gush, not being able to contain my enthusiasm. ‘You must be so excited!’
Ruby remains silent and I nudge her knee. ‘You are excited, aren’t you?’
‘I don’t know. I don’t think I’m going to go…’
‘Why on earth not?’ I exclaim, completely flabbergasted. ‘It’s your dream to travel! This is an incredible opportunity for you! You have to go!’
‘I’m afraid, Sadie!’ Ruby’s voice wobbles as she turns down the radio. ‘I can only just manage my anxiety here, in Cheshire, with you, Aldo and my family around me. What would I do if Frank found me out there? I don’t think I could cope.’
Trying to keep my focus on the road, I shake my head in frustration. ‘But you can cope, because Frank is always with you. You have him under control right now and you don’t even realise it. That’s how strong you are.’
Ruby rubs her temples and groans. ‘But…’
‘No buts, Ruby.’ I shoot her a stern stare as we turn onto her lane. ‘Aldo and I had this same conversation just last night. We cannot let our anxiety control our lives any more than it already has.’
‘You sound annoyed.’ She whispers, twirling a strand of hair around her finger tensely.
‘I am bloody annoyed!’ My face flushes violently and I bang my hand on the steering wheel. ‘I’ve had enough. Enough of anxiety, enough of fear and enough of people not going after their dreams. This is being handed to you on a plate. If you don’t grab this with both hands, you will look back and regret it.’
I can hear the desperation as I speak, but there’s little I can do to control it. I am desperate. I am desperate for Ruby to believe in herself. I start to prepare a motivational speech in my mind, but as we approach the farm, I decide to keep it to myself. Pushing someone too hard in one direction almost always results in them going the other way.
Forcing myself to smile, I wave at Yvette as we pull onto the driveway. Jabbing her pitchfork into a mound of hay, she tugs off her gloves and makes her way over to the car. Ruby curses under her breath and I pretend I haven’t heard her.
‘Hi!’ I shield my eyes from the afternoon sun as Yvette leans into the window. ‘I’ve just spent the last twenty minutes trying to talk Ruby into going on this work trip…’
‘I wouldn’t waste your time.’ Yvette scoffs and motions for Ruby to get out of the car. ‘She won’t leave Cheshire, let alone leave the country!’
I stare back at her, a little stumped by her reaction. ‘But this is an amazing opportunity for her. Travelling is all she has talked about for the past six months…’
‘And in another six months she will be talking about something else.’ Yvette laughs sarcastically and pulls open the passenger door. ‘I appreciate your concern, but until she drops the anxiety stuff, she isn’t going to do anything with her life.’
Ruby raises her eyebrows at me and slides out of her seat. I open my mouth to speak, but the truth is, I really don’t know what to say. I’m completely lost for words. Ruby has mentioned her mum’s dismissive attitude towards her anxiety a few times, but I never imagined she could be as flippant as this.
I raise my hand and wave to Ruby as she follows her mum into the barn. Half of me wants to get out of the car and chase after them. Yvette needs to know how detrimental her response to Ruby’s mental health is, but it’s not my place to tell her. I don’t want to wade in on their personal relationship and potentially destroy the already weak bond they have.
Promising myself to speak to Ruby about it, I put the car into gear and do a three-point turn in the gravel. Resting my hand on the gear stick, I grab the steering wheel with my spare hand as I come face to face with The Shepard. Is Aidan in there right now? Has he gone back to Surrey? Creeping forwards, I bite my lip and hover over the indicator. I should go left. I should be heading back home. I’m not at work now. Whatever Aidan does in his spare time is none of my business.
Hitting the indicator, I press my foot on the accelerator before swiftly hitting the breaks. Something inside me is pulling me towards the bed and breakfast. I have to call in there. I need to know that he is alright.
Quickly turning the car around, I pull on the handbrake and run inside the building. The musky smell hangs thickly in the air as I look around the remote hallway. Should I just go upstairs? Spotting the elderly man, who I presume to be Leonard, I walk into the dining area.
‘I’m looking for Aidan Wilder?’ I say quietly, hoping that I’ve remembered his last name correctly. ‘Is he here?’
Leonard takes a shabby book from the cabinet on his left and runs a finger along the handwritten list of names.
‘Aidan Wilder.’ He repeats, closing the book again. ‘He’s in Room Three. He came back a
short while ago.’
‘Is it okay to go up?’ I ask, already turning to face the stairs.
Leonard nods and returns to polishing his tray of cutlery, leaving me free to go in search of Aidan.
My heart pounds in my chest as I make my way up the creaky staircase. The steps groan under my feet, just as they did the last time I was here. Coming to a stop in front of the room I know to be Aidan’s, I raise my hand to knock, before dropping it down by my side. What am I doing? What the hell am I going to say to him? Doubt consumes me as my heart pounds in embarrassment. I have to put a stop to this. I have to stop being ruled by my emotions and overstepping the mark. I don’t think Julia took it upon herself to go in search of Anxiety Anonymous attendees when they missed a meeting.
Having a change of heart, I slowly turn around, taking care to not make a sound as I reach for the railing. The moment my foot hits the first step the floorboard creaks noisily beneath me. Swearing under my breath, I grimace as I hear a door squeak open. Slowly looking up, my stomach drops as light floods into the lobby, revealing a confused Aidan staring directly at me…
Chapter 21
‘Sadie?’ He mutters in astonishment. ‘What are you doing here?’
Suddenly feeling rather stupid, I try to think of something to say. Anything that doesn’t make me sound like a crazed stalker. Temporarily losing the ability to speak, I eventually manage to regain the use of my tongue.
‘I was worried about you.’ I mumble, trying to stop my cheeks from flushing. ‘I just wanted to make sure you were okay and now that I can see you are, I’ll leave…’
Reaching for the banister, I decide to make a quick escape when Aidan’s voice hits me.
‘Wait!’
Stopping in my tracks, I look over my shoulder to see him holding the door to his room open. Knowing that I can’t decline after boldly coming in here, I exhale slowly and hesitantly follow him into the room. The dated suite is exactly as I remember it, except this time, there’s a half-packed suitcase on the bed.
‘You’re leaving?’ I ask, my heart sinking as I point to the case.
Aidan looks between the case and me and back again. ‘I am.’ He says finally, an uncertain edge to his voice.
‘Where are you going?’ Noticing that his suitcase contains nothing more than a couple of pairs of jeans and a handful of t-shirts, I realise just how little he must have brought with him.
‘That’s the question I have been asking myself for the past two days.’ Aidan sighs and perches on the foot of the bed. ‘Where do I go from here?’
Taking a seat in the armchair opposite him, I fumble with the sleeve of my shirt and wait for him to elaborate.
‘That day I spent with you made me feel more alive than I have in a very long time. You gave me the courage to believe that I do have a future. I watched your car drive away and immediately grabbed the suitcase. That glimmer of normality brought me back to life.’ He pauses and runs his hands through his hair. ‘I had this sudden surge of determination, but once I started throwing things into the case, I realised I didn’t know where the hell I was going.’
Resting my elbows on my knees, I listen intently as Aidan lets out a groan.
‘I tossed and turned all night, desperately trying to work out where I should go. I sold our house, so it’s not like I have a home to go to. I haven’t spoken to any of my friends in almost a year. My sister and I don’t get along at the best of times...’ He throws his arms in the air and laughs ironically. ‘The funny thing is, my finances make the world my playground. I can go anywhere I want to.’
Aidan’s eyes crinkle into a sad smile as he looks down at his bare ring finger.
‘Where would you go.’ I whisper. ‘If you could click your fingers and be anywhere at all, even just for an hour. Where would you go?’
‘I honestly don’t know.’ He replies, without a flicker of hesitation. ‘Mel would know what to do. I would give anything to be able to talk to her just one more time.’
Aidan pushes himself up and stands by the window. Resting his hands on his hips, he spins around decidedly.
‘That’s where I would go. I would go and speak to Mel. We scattered her ashes in the forest where we used to walk. She loved it there.’
I stare at him in silence, unable to comprehend just how painful this must be for him.
‘Why don’t you go there? To the forest? It might bring you some clarity to be in a place where you feel close to her?’
He sighs heavily and shakes his head. ‘I don’t think I could do it. I haven’t been back there since the day we scattered her ashes.’
I purse my lips and watch Aidan pace back and forth around the room. ‘I think it would do you good. I really do believe this could be a positive move for you. Sometimes, the hardest thing you can imagine doing is exactly what you need. It might help to bring you closure…’
‘Closure?’ He repeats, a look of horror on his face. ‘I don’t want to get closure. The last thing on earth that I want to do is forget about Mel.’
‘I am in no way suggesting that you have closure on your marriage, but you need closure on your grief in order to look to the future.’ I slowly step towards him and place a tentative hand on his shoulder. ‘It’s clear for anyone to see that your grief is eating you up inside. It’s tearing you apart and I am sure Mel wouldn’t want that. Accepting your grief will enable you to move forward. You have said yourself that you want to go back there. Sometimes, our subconscious knows what’s best for us, even if we don’t believe it ourselves.’
Aidan turns to face me and folds his arms. ‘I guess that makes sense, I just honestly don’t think I could go back there.’ His eyes burn into mine and an immense sadness washes over me. ‘If I go, will you come with me?’
My stomach flips and I feel my jaw sag open.
‘I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Sadie.’ He holds his head in his hands and looks away. ‘I shouldn’t be putting you in that position.’
Totally lost for words, I watch Aidan mentally beat himself up.
‘I just feel so alone up here. I don’t know a single other person to ask, but that’s not your problem. You’ve been so nice to me and you didn’t need to be. Please, forget that I said anything…’
‘I’ll go.’ I whisper, before I know what I’m saying.
Aidan slowly turns around and stares at me in shock. ‘You will?’
I nod back at him, already concerned at the prospect of explaining this one to Aldo.
‘You would really do that for me?’ Aidan gushes, unable to hide how touched he is by my offer. ‘Are you sure?’
‘Yes.’ My skin prickles as I realise what I’ve just agreed to, making me feel incredibly uneasy. ‘When do you want to go?’
‘You tell me. I can make myself available whenever you are’.
I cover my eyes with my hands as I rack my brains for my schedule. ‘I’m not working this Saturday. Do you think we could get there and back in a day?’
‘That’s a lot of driving, but it’s definitely doable…’
As Aidan reels off the route, I try to calm my racing heart. It’s one day. Just a single day. What could possibly go wrong?
‘I’ll sort the transport.’ Aidan announces, grabbing his suitcase and placing it on the floor. ‘Leave everything to me and I’ll pick you up on Saturday morning. How about ten? Does that work for you?’
I look back at him in bewilderment. This is the most animated I have ever seen him. As I try to decode his behaviour, I suddenly become annoyed with myself. Who am I to say what is the normal way to behave after losing your spouse? Is there a normal way to behave after losing your spouse?
‘Saturday works for me.’ I smile thinly, very aware that I have just three days to prepare myself.
Aidan beams brightly, colour rushing back to his drained face. ‘Thank you so much for this, Sadie. I won’t ever forget it.’
I nod in response as the sun starts to set, causing the room to fall into shadow. Taking this as my
cue to leave, I grab my handbag and clear my throat.
‘I should be going…’
‘Of course!’ Dashing over to the door, Aidan pulls it open and holds out his hand.
I look at it cautiously for a few seconds, before giving in and reluctantly accepting it. Shaking his hand feels weird, but a hug would be highly inappropriate.
‘So, will we be seeing you at the meeting on Friday?’ I ask, as I head for the stairs.
His smile momentarily falters and he shrugs his shoulders. ‘I don’t know. Maybe.’
‘Maybe.’ I repeat, happy that maybe is better than no…
Chapter 22
Peering through the glass, I watch Ruby’s face light up as she chats to an elderly couple from behind her desk. Happiness shines out of her as she points at pictures of clear waters in a glossy brochure. The couple nod along as she flips through the pages, chatting animatedly about the array of beautiful images. Ruby was made for this job. It would be a crime for her to miss the Caribbean trip.
Suddenly looking up from her keyboard, she gives me a quick wave and wraps up the conversation. As I wait for her to gather her things, I take a moment to study the many adverts in the window display. I can’t remember the last time I felt soft sand between my toes. Oh, how tempting it is to hand over the plastic and book yourself on a one-way ticket to paradise. Reminding myself I shall soon be taking a trip of my own, I bite my lip anxiously and try to push it to the back of my mind.
Today, Ruby and I are going to distress some furniture I picked up at the local charity shop, over an elderflower cocktail, or two. Although, I must confess to having an ulterior motive and that is to ensure Ruby agrees to go on the Caribbean trip. I know I can’t physically force her into it, but if I don’t at least try, I will kick myself later. I’ve got a sneaky feeling that her refusal to go for this has more to do with her mother than anything else.
‘Hey!’ Ruby pushes her way out onto the busy street, effectively stopping my train of thought. ‘How are you?’
