by Lacey London
‘Well?’ I ask, searching his face for clues as to the outcome. ‘What did they say?’
Dropping onto the ground, he tosses his handset next to him and copies my position. ‘They should have someone here within the hour. Hopefully, it won’t be too long.’
I take a quick look around and wipe my hands on my jeans. ‘There doesn’t seem to be anything nearby. Should we wait up here or do you want to sit in the car until they get here?’
‘No!’ He yells, taking me aback by the fury in his voice. ‘You shouldn’t ever sit on the hard shoulder!’
I stare at him in shock, completely stunned by his reaction. ‘Okay…’ I mumble, suddenly feeling a little uncomfortable. ‘Then we will just wait here.’
‘If you ever have car trouble on a motorway, the first thing you do is get out of the damn vehicle and get to a safe place!’
My skin prickles at his sharp words and I look down at the ground in embarrassment. Suddenly remembering his comments about Mel being in a road accident, I decide to come straight out with it.
‘What happened to Mel, Aidan?’ I whisper, my voice barely audible over the sound of the traffic.
For a short while, he doesn’t say a word. He just sits there, staring at the motorway in an eerie silence. His face is blank and expressionless as my heart races in my chest.
‘We were in Thailand. After so many years of talking about travelling, we were finally living our dream.’
I exhale slowly, hardly daring to breathe as he finally speaks.
‘Mel was so happy. The joy would just shine out of her like a rainbow. From the moment she opened her eyes, she would be beaming brightly. I can still see that smile as though she’s standing right in front of me. The way her eyes would crinkle, the childlike sound of her laugh and the dimple in her left cheek. She was just… perfect.’
Plucking a daisy from the glass, he rhythmically tears off the petals.
‘We had been there for twelve weeks when it happened. It was a Friday and we were due to fly home the following week. The plan was to stay there for six months, but at the halfway mark, Mel told me she had finally washed the wanderlust out of her hair. As we watched the sunrise on the beach, she spontaneously announced that she wanted to start a family. She was ready for home and to be truthful, so was I. Hearing her say she wanted a baby made me the happiest man on the planet. It was as though one adventure was coming to an end and another was just beginning. Right there, at that very moment, my life felt complete. I had everything I could ever have wanted.’
A lump forms in my throat and I try desperately to swallow it.
‘When we told everyone we were leaving, they threw us the mother of all parties. We danced until the sun came up with all of the friends we had made on our journey. It was the perfect end to the perfect adventure. Or at least, it would have been the perfect end…’
Aidan’s voice starts to wobble and I rest a reassuring hand on his arm.
‘Mel had befriended an elderly lady in the next village. She was too sick to attend the party, so Mel woke up at dawn to pay her one last visit and say her goodbyes. She asked me to go with her, but I was just so tired from the party. I’ll never forgive myself for letting her go alone.’
He pauses for breath and tosses the final daisy petal into the grass.
‘She kissed me goodbye and with that, she was gone. That was the last time I ever saw her. The next thing I remember, I was being woken by our neighbour. He was frantic. I couldn’t understand a word he was saying, but I knew something horrible had happened. The panic in his eyes is something I will never forget.’
The roaring from the motorway fills the air, but all I can hear is Aidan’s sorrowful voice.
‘Mel never made it to her friend’s house. There was a tree in the road, she swerved and lost control of the car. She died instantly...’
My blood runs cold as the magnitude of what he is saying hits me. This is a million times worse than I imagined. Mel’s life was cut short by a horrific accident before it had properly begun. They had so much to look forward to, they had so much life to live.
‘Aidan, I’m so, so sorry.’
Refusing to make eye contact, Aidan blinks repeatedly as his eyes gloss over.
‘It was widely covered by the press. They lapped it up. The media were like vultures. For weeks, I had cameras in my face asking me how I felt, but I didn’t feel anything. Half of the time, I didn’t even know what was happening. I was passed from pillar to post. There was so much paperwork. So much sitting around in offices, when all I wanted to do was breakdown and cry. I remember being in a room, with a dozen suited men who were speaking a language I couldn’t understand. I wanted to scream. I couldn’t comprehend how they could be acting so normal when my wife, my Mel, had just died.’
I clasp my hands over my mouth as tears slip down my cheeks.
‘The idea of returning without her was too much, so I stayed until they released her body. The whole journey home, I stared at the stranger beside me in shock. I was numb. I was numb for months. People tried to gather around me. My family and my friends were desperate to help, but I just wanted to be alone. I shut everyone out. The funeral was the first time I allowed them to see me. They were horrified by my appearance and I can understand why. I wasn’t eating properly. I wasn’t sleeping. I was just existing in those four walls. Some days, I wouldn’t even know if I was dead or alive.’
He pauses and runs his thumb over his bare ring finger.
‘After the funeral, I hit rock bottom. I spent months trying to figure out a way to get my life back, but every avenue seemed pointless. I didn’t want a life without Mel. I considered calling it a day, pressing game over and tapping out, but something stopped me every time. Almost six months passed without her and I still hadn’t left the house for anything more than food. I just didn’t have the energy or the patience to do anything anymore. That’s when I went back to Thailand. I thought that maybe, just maybe, I would feel closer to her there. The second we touched down on Thai soil, I knew I had made a mistake. The memories of her were everywhere and the sorrowful looks started all over again.’
Aidan rubs his face wearily and I discreetly wipe away my tears.
‘I spent less than a week there before returning to England. Walking into the empty house that used to hold so much laughter and happiness killed me. That house was the place where we were going to live out our future. I couldn’t stay there. Waking up in the bed where we once slept was like losing her over and over again. Making the decision to sell was tough. Half of me felt like I was giving away the last piece of her. The four months it took to sell seemed to take forever. I questioned myself so much during that time. Was I doing the right thing or was I running away from what was now my reality?’
An ambulance fires down the motorway, causing him to pause for a moment before picking up where he left off.
‘The day the sale went through, I had all of my belongings put into storage. If it didn’t fit in my backpack or the suitcase, it wasn’t coming with me. My family asked me where I was going, but I didn’t know myself. I got a taxi to the train station and jumped on the first one that came in. I changed in a few locations, literally plucking trains at random. By nightfall, I found myself in Mobberley. Having no clue where I was, I just walked out of the station and kept on going. I turned onto a secluded lane and walked through nothingness for what felt like an eternity.’
Completely mesmerised by his story, I suddenly realise I have been holding my breath and force myself to inhale.
‘Just as I was going to give up and turn back, I saw The Shepard. It was like a sign, a sign from Mel. Showing me the way and guiding me to safety. I was there for two weeks before I ventured out. I had completely lost track of the time. Even the days, weeks and months had blurred into one. When I realised what the date was, I just had to get out of there. A whole year had passed me by and I still wasn’t any closer to dealing with what happened. When I left the B&B, I didn’t know where I w
as going, but an hour of walking led me to Wilmslow. That’s when I saw the sign for your meeting and something inside me drew me to the door. Realising it was the anniversary of Mel’s death nearly broke me, but stumbling into that building saved me from doing something very stupid.’
For the first time, Aidan brings his eyes up to meet mine and I feel my heart ache with sorrow.
‘So, there you have it. You wanted to understand how I found myself at your support group, now you know…’
Chapter 26
Completely lost for words, I open and close my mouth repeatedly, desperately searching for the correct thing to say. Before I can breathe a word, Aidan pushes himself to his feet and walks away. Salty tears splash into my lap and I bat them away furiously. Everyone who walks through the door at Anxiety Anonymous has a story regarding how they got there, but Aidan’s tops the lot. My heart is breaking for him. I can’t even begin to imagine what he has been through. A part of me wonders how he’s still standing. How do you find the strength to pick yourself up after something so terribly horrific?
I turn to look at him and wipe my cheeks with my sleeve. Standing at the top of the embankment, with his hands on his hips as the cars race by below him, Aidan lets the tears spill down his cheeks. How can life be so cruel, so fragile and so susceptible to destruction? All the ideas I conjured up about Aidan’s past don’t touch the surface to the reality of his life. I feel so helpless, so useless and so out of my depth. Just how do you help someone who has been through what Aidan has?
As I stare at him, wondering what on earth I can do to fix the gaping hole in his life, a huge yellow van pulls up next to the Porsche. Immediately snapping back to attention, Aidan dries his eyes. Waving to the recovery men, I hastily compose myself as Aidan heads down to the hard shoulder.
‘It’s the front left.’ He explains casually, shoving his hands into his pockets as the guys get to work on replacing the damaged wheel.
Giving them some space, I leave them to expertly deal with the mishap. Aidan makes small talk, completely detached from the man who just poured his heart out on the embankment. I’ve seen glimpses of that man before, but it’s clear that it took a whole lot of courage for him to have that conversation. I am so shocked and saddened by what he’s told me that I genuinely don’t know what to do with myself. Where do we go from here?
‘Sadie?’ Aidan’s voice bursts my thought bubble and I look up to see the recovery men handing him a slip of paper. ‘We’re ready to go.’
Forcing a small smile, I slowly make my way over to him and slide into the passenger seat. Aidan starts the engine and we continue our journey in an emotional silence. As we gather up speed to join the motorway, I steal a glance at him.
‘I’ve never told anyone that before…’ He murmurs, keeping his eyes fixed on the road ahead. ‘I’ve actually never mentioned Mel’s name to anyone before now.’
I look down into my lap and run my thumb over my finger tattoo. ‘Well, I am incredibly touched that you confided in me and I am so terribly sorry for your loss…’
‘Please, I don’t want your sympathy.’ Aidan’s brow furrows and he shakes his head. ‘I can’t bear it.’
I nod along, choosing my words carefully. ‘How do you feel now that you have finally spoken about it?’
Aidan rubs his forehead and shrugs his shoulders sadly. ‘Raw, devastated, but weirdly, a little lighter. I can’t really explain it. It’s almost as though I can breathe a little deeper.’
‘Lighter is good.’ I say encouragingly, turning down the radio so that I can hear him more clearly. ‘I really think you would benefit from some in-depth counselling. More advanced than I can offer…’
‘No. I’ve tried that. All those doctors and people in white coats look at me in a way that makes me want to run a million miles away. You don’t look at me like that.’
I raise my eyebrows, completely understanding the fear of counselling and everything that comes with it. ‘I remember feeling like that. The thought of talking to someone was horrific, but there came a point where I was willing to try anything in the hope it would make me feel like my normal self again.’
‘That’s where we’re different. I’ll never feel like my normal self again. Part of me died with Mel and I will never get it back.’
We approach a congested junction and I purse my lips while Aidan works his way through the patch of traffic.
‘What led you to Anxiety Anonymous?’ He asks, as the motorway finally clears. ‘I’ve told you my story. What’s yours?’
My heart drops as I think back to my own experience with anxiety. ‘It was a series of things, really. I went through a breakup, I lost my job and I discovered who my biological father was. I didn’t realise it at the time, but one blow after the next sent me into an anxiety-fuelled depression. I crumbled. I watched the person I was slowly fade away and I was powerless to stop it. The support group saved me from my anxiety and more importantly, it saved me from myself.’
I feel the atmosphere change and pretend I haven’t noticed.
‘I’m so sorry, Sadie.’
He offers me a sympathetic smile and I shake it off. ‘Now it’s my turn to refuse the sympathy.’
Aidan’s lip curls into a tiny smile as he changes lane. ‘Do you ever worry it will come back?’
An uncomfortable sensation washes over me as I think back to the day in the forest and nod. ‘At first, I didn’t think it would. For six months, I didn’t have anything. Not so much as a glimpse of the cloud that once hung over me, but lately there have been a couple of occasions where that familiar dread and nauseating fear has crept back.’
‘Do you have any idea why?’ Aidan asks, as we finally turn off the motorway.
‘I don’t, but this time I’m able to stop the panic attack in its tracks. I can bring it back to a rational level before it gets out of control.’ Adjusting my seatbelt, I pull a bobble from my wrist and twist my hair into a bun.
‘It must be a great feeling to know you are in control of something that once knocked you down. The tables have turned. You’re in charge now.’ Aidan replies, flicking through the radio stations as the song we’re listening to comes to an end.
‘To be honest, I was just devastated that I felt that way again.’ I confess. ‘Even though it was just for a few minutes, in that moment, I was right back there. All of the emotions came flooding back and it was as though the last six months hadn’t happened. I felt just as weak as I did back then.’
The car takes a sharp left and I look up to discover we’re on an open road. With lush green trees lining the pavement and rolling countryside ahead, it feels strangely familiar. It’s so much like home. If I didn’t know any better, I would think I was back in Cheshire.
‘But you weren’t as weak. You kicked it to the kerb before it even got off the ground. That’s amazing. You should be proud of yourself.’ Aidan exclaims, bringing my focus back to the conversation.
‘Ditto.’ My cheeks flush and I give him a sideways smile. ‘From what you’ve told me, you have come a very long way and I don’t just mean geographically. We all cope with grief in different ways. Don’t measure how you’re dealing with this by anyone else’s standards.’
‘I must admit, I am guilty of that. I read so much online about the grief process and beat myself up because I wasn’t following the same pattern. Knowing that I wasn’t handling this normally made me completely lose it and I took my frustration out on everything around me. I would abuse my body with copious amounts of alcohol. I would punch walls in a poor bid at freeing myself from the pent-up anger inside me...’
I look down at his grazed knuckles and frown.
‘Nothing worked. Nothing provided me with the release I craved. Not only was I completely broken, I was useless at being broken. I felt like I was letting Mel down. I couldn’t even grieve correctly without her.’
‘I’m sure Mel wouldn’t want you to feel like that. She will be looking down on you with such incredible pride.’ I try t
o reassure him by giving his forearm a friendly pat.
‘I don’t know about that. Mel was notorious for not pulling any punches. If she was here now, she would tell me to pour myself a stiff drink and pull myself together.’ Aidan glances up at the sky and manages a tiny smile. ‘I went through a stage of wishing it was me that had died. Mel would have handled this so much better than I have.’
‘Just repeat that first part again…’
Aidan lets out a little laugh and indicates left. ‘You’re right. You’re totally right. Mel would have loved you.’
My skin tingles and I smile in response as we pull onto a gravel entrance. Spotting a brown sign for Shingle Forest, I flip up the sun visor for a better view.
‘Is this the place?’ I ask, straining my neck for a better view of the abundant woodland ahead. ‘It’s beautiful.’
He nods and brings the car to a stop in an empty parking space. As he excuses himself to get a ticket, I push open the door and groan at the relief of finally being able to stretch out my legs. Taking in my surroundings, I lean against an old tree and have a quick scan around. The gravel cark park leads to a wooden fence, which is conveniently located next to a signpost dictating the different parts of the woodland. The sound of children’s laughter echoes through the trees in the distance, creating a beautiful soundtrack to the naturistic scene.
Stepping back, I shield my eyes from the sun and look up at the sky, marvelling at the height of the trees. Hearing footsteps behind me, I spin around to see Aidan placing a white slip in the windscreen. Waiting for him to lock the car, I study his face as he slams the door and takes a deep breath.
‘Are you sure you want to do this?’ I ask gently, very aware of the petrified look on his face. ‘There’s no pressure. We can get straight back in the car and head up to Cheshire. You just say the word and we’ll leave.’
We hold eye contact for a few seconds, before Aidan shakes his head. ‘No. I need to do this. Come on, it’s this way…’
