In Wilder Lands

by Jim Galford

  “That is not entirely correct,” Feanne said, folding her feet under her and bringing her tail around to her lap, where she picked at its fur with trembling fingers…a nervous habit he had seen many of the pack’s cubs perform when they were in trouble and one that seemed very out of place on Feanne. “It is also not entirely wrong.”

  She fidgeted for a time, seemingly searching for words. Estin gave her the time she needed, sitting down facing her. When she did speak again, she made a very clear point of not looking at him.

  “The Miharon told me that it watched when I was being trained to be my mother’s successor in the camp. It came to me right before I was to begin the magical portion of my training…the same way that it came tonight to see you. Unfortunately, I was not so careful in what I asked it and wound up bound to it for life, which was not as bad as it sounds, but was horrifying for my parents.

  “When I asked it if I would still be able to heal others, it said that I could. That is true…but misleading. I have very limited ability to heal. From what the creature told me, I would be able to hurl magic about just like Ghohar, heal like my mother, and do so many more things. It did not lie, but it glossed over how much weaker my ability to heal or harm would be and totally avoided the topic of how I would be bound to serve any command it gave, even so far as to burn down our camp if it came to it. It also left out other things about the power it gave me…things I prefer not to share.”

  Estin was horrified at that idea that a spirit-being could actually force Feanne’s hand in a matter so dear to her as the pack, but he kept quiet and let her continue.

  “I was proud of my decision to follow the spirit,” she went on. “I still am, though the pain it has caused others is what gets to me and the idea that it may one day demand that I turn on them. When I went back to my mother, proclaiming the power I had been granted, it very nearly killed her. All the preparation she had done for me to take over her position was lost in that moment…I do not believe she has entirely forgiven me these years later. I know that my father has not.

  “Despite the fact that it was my father’s attempt to life-mate me without my permission that finally separated my parents, when pushed for answers, both have mentioned my decision to follow the forest spirit as part of the reason that they stopped trusting me. They believe in my ability, but have no trust in what I might choose to do in the wrong situation and abandoning the male that was to be my mate they consider just a reflection of that. This is also why they wanted me to put you through the test, so that they knew if you could be trusted. If you followed my path, Asrahn would not have had any further contact with you.”

  “And your title?”

  Feanne finally looked up at him, her eyes wet and sad.

  “It was supposed to be an honor. The forest spirit bestowed the title of Keeper on me when I defended the deeper woods from a trading company that had begun burning the woods to drive the wildlife into traps. The summer was dry and the fires would have burned out of control and destroyed much of the area, had they not been stopped. It was the right thing to do.

  “The pack did not see it that way. They saw me meddling in human matters far away from our camp and drawing attention to us. They were correct in that, as the trading company came after me, causing trouble for the pack over the course of months, harming many to get revenge on me.

  “To make matters much worse, the Miharon read some of my thoughts and approached our camp, ordering my father to honor me as it did with the title. This was done in front of many of the pack members, some who did not know of my allegiances previously. For whatever reason, the spirit believed that the pack’s snubbing of my actions was an insult upon it.

  “Lihuan ordered the spirit to leave, refusing to obey orders from a fae. For this, he was struck down and very nearly lost his life that day…again, my fault. Still, he refused to let the pack call me by the title. He felt it was a foreign title that had no place within the pack. Any who enter the pack are just who they are, not who they were before coming in. This extended to his own child.

  “When the camp was attacked by the trading company the last time, bringing with them dozens of furriers, it was on my life-mating day, just hours before the ceremony. They came without warning, killing everyone they could reach. Children and elderly were beaten down and skinned right in front of us. I saw…I saw children I had helped raise skinned alive.

  “That day, I called on the Miharon for more strength. Everything after that is…hazy. I remember blood and humans dying all around me, but I cannot be sure how long the battle went on. When I came to my senses at last, I was halfway to Altis, with the last of the surviving furriers fleeing from me. Dozens were dead in my path.”

  “Sounds like you did a wonderful job of protecting the camp,” Estin answered, but she shook her head rapidly.

  “I got lost in the rage. As much as I need you to learn to suppress fear and find that anger when you need it, I lost control. Though I could have been the savior of the town, with most of our warriors injured or occupied, I went off in all directions, sometimes running for half an hour to hunt down a single fleeing human so I could rip him apart. Many died while I rampaged. Insrin, the male my father had made arrangements with, was one of them. By the time I returned, his surviving pack-mates had collected his body to leave. To this day, we have not heard back from them and do not even know if their pack survives still.

  “When I came back to camp, several of the older people began calling me Keeper. I thought at first that they were finally honoring me, as the spirit wished. Instead, they were mocking me. Reminding me that I chose to become a savage, rather than stay and help my people. There are some in the camp still who will refuse to use my name, even if commanded by Lihuan.”

  A tear rolled down her muzzle and she looked away again, putting up a hand to hide the emotion.

  “You don’t have to be afraid of me knowing that it makes you sad,” Estin offered, reaching out to comfort her, but she slapped his hand away, snarling.

  “I’ve shown my weakness to you once already, I really don’t care to repeat it.”

  “Weakness? When? You’ve been about as weak as a boulder since the moment I met you.”

  Feanne glared at him, even as another tear ran unhindered.

  “As if you don’t know. I nearly killed you when I lost hope.”

  He thought for a moment, remembering more times than he liked when she had been close to killing him. Only once stood out for her feelings on this topic, though.

  “When the hunting dogs nearly got us?” he asked.

  Feanne nodded and covered her face again, taking slow deep breaths to try and calm herself.

  “What was possibly weak about that? You didn’t want me to suffer if the dogs reached me.”

  “I should have had faith that I could protect you,” Feanne argued, keeping her face covered. “I was supposed to protect the camp. That is what my mother wanted me to be. I could not even be sure of protecting one person from dogs and was so panicked that I nearly slit your throat just to avoid the guilt of you dying under my watch, while I went crazy trying to kill them.”

  It was hard for Estin to find words to reply to that. He had not even remotely thought of it in that light. That moment had actually been one of his fonder memories of their time together prior to coming out for his training.

  “Feanne,” he said softly, taking her jaw in his hand and lifting her face to look up at him, “you are the strongest female I’ve ever met. Why are you letting guilt over things that you cannot change destroy you from inside? If I added up all of my failures, all the people I let down, and all the people who have died when I was physically capable of saving them, I doubt I could ever get out of bed. I might even go hang myself out of grief.

  “I remember them all, Feanne. Every face, every life that I could have changed. That doesn’t mean I would make myself live in the wilderness to hide from what I’ve done.

  “My father once told me that making mistakes, e
ven painful ones, is what lets us know who we really are. If Ghohar hadn’t died, I doubt I would have accepted Asrahn’s offer…if she even would have made it. Yet now, despite missing Ghohar fiercely, I would not give up this moment for any reason.”

  Feanne smiled and gave a single choked laugh. Leaning close, she put her forehead against his so that their muzzles were side-by-side—the wildling equivalent of a tender kiss, what with not having lips. They stayed that way for a time, neither seeming willing to pull away.

  “Thank you,” she told him, sitting back and laughing weakly. “I knew I let you live for a reason. You’re a far better person than I am and you remind me of my own hatred of ever feeling regret. I think I need that balance in my life, so I do not end up mauling every person that annoys me. I…”

  Feanne stopped talking and looked up at the sky, even as Estin smiled, waiting for her to continue. They sat for more than a minute like that, with Feanne sniffing the air.

  Estin shivered as a chill wind whipped through the area. It was strong enough that dust and small rocks pelted them until it died down again. When it did, the air was noticeably much colder.

  “The storm,” Feanne gasped, standing to look over the line of stones nearby and beyond to the mountain peaks. “I knew one was coming in, but I thought we would be well on our way to camp by then. We need to hurry, or we will freeze out here. I do not have the supplies we need to survive a bad storm…I did not think we would need them for another week or two.”

  Estin hopped up and turned to the direction Feanne was staring. A white mist seemed to be moving towards them rapidly. He had lived in Altis long enough to know that was a snowstorm coming fast, with snow falling hard enough to create a white-out. Though not uncommon this time of year, such storms could be surprising and dangerous. It was likely an hour or two before the heart of the storm hit them, but if it caught up, they would be unable to see where they were going, even as they froze to death. It was one of the joys of living in the mountains…at least in the city, he always had places to hide.

  Grabbing the items they were not wearing, Feanne and Estin took off at a run southeast, racing through the woods. As they went, the air temperature continued to fall, making Estin’s breath misty and his skin tremble with chill. By the time they had reached the creek near their campsite, large fluffy flakes had begun to fall all around them, though they were still well-spaced.

  “There’s a bear cave not too far from here,” Feanne called back to him, her voice sounding distant in the winds. She practically had to shout over the roar. “We might be able to weather it there.”

  He did not even try replying, instead just waving for her to continue.

  The air was getting painful and the wind was not getting any weaker. Estin felt as though his back was starting to freeze and he had lost all feeling in his tail. The snow was starting to stick on the ground too, making footing dangerous in places. The large snowflakes were getting much more frequent, greatly diminishing the distance he could see.

  Soon, Estin could only see Feanne’s red fur in the snowfall where it was not covered by her bear skin, everything else was just gone. If she got more than ten feet out, even the bright red was lost in the white. With the rate the snow was beginning to fall, he was not sure how much longer her fur would even be exposed enough to show.

  Estin’s feet were barely keeping him upright, his toes numb and unstable. He was even sure that he had ice forming in his ears. From what he could feel, he believed his tail might be dragging in the snow, too cold to lift.

  “Right here!” Feanne shouted, though he mostly guessed the words from the movement of her mouth.

  Feanne vanished and Estin rushed to catch up, hoping he did not miss a turn.

  Thankfully, he found the gaping maw of the cave, where Feanne stood at the entrance, not moving. She put a hand up to stop him and at this point, Estin finally picked up on the nervous tension in her posture.

  As Estin’s eyes adjusted, he realized that he was facing a large black bear that was very much awake and unhappy at their intrusion. It rose to its feet, filling the cave completely as it roared a challenge.

  “Do not move,” Feanne whispered, raising her hands to the beast.

  Feanne began whispering at the bear, keeping her hands up as she took very short cautious steps in its direction. She was concentrating very hard as she moved, her eyes barely open.

  At last, the bear began to calm somewhat, its stance shifting to a more watchful and nervous look. It dropped back to all fours, studying Feanne as she calmly walked by it. It was by no means happy about the intrusion, but it appeared to accept their presence begrudgingly.

  “Come quickly,” Feanne told Estin, though clearly still concentrating. “We need to be further back in the cave when the spell ends, or she may reconsider.”

  Estin slipped past the bear as swiftly as he could, though he had second thoughts when it turned and watched him, its eyes filled with hatred. He made a mental note to never upset Ulra.

  Feanne led him back into the cave a goodly distance, until neither of them could see very well and they were forced to stop. There, she stopped and examined the cave for any hidden dangers.

  “This is the best we will get,” she said softly, glancing back to the entrance of the cave. “I will be able to hide us from her while we rest and then should be able to coax her into letting us go in the morning. By then, the winds should have stopped and hopefully we can get you back to camp to begin Asrahn’s next portion of training.”

  Feanne swept the stone floor of any loose rocks and tossed down the bearskin cloak, then settled down to sleep, curling somewhat to expose as little of her body to the cold air as she could. She had taught Estin how to shield his body from the weather several days ago and it had helped him handle the cold nights, but this was far worse.

  Turning about in the narrow confines, Estin tried to find a place to lay, but most of the floor was filled with jagged rocks and most of the flat spots were directly visible to the bear. He began to feel around the floor for any place large enough to even sit through the night without stabbing himself.

  “Estin,” Feanne said firmly, watching him with that coy smirk of hers, “come over here. It’s freezing and I am not in any mood for modesty. It will be better for both of us. I will not bite…I’m too tired to.”

  He hesitated, staring at her in the near pitch blackness. The thought…or wish, he could not be sure…had crossed his mind more than once during the week alone with her to lay beside her, even if only for friendly comfort. He had brushed the thought away, knowing that even suggesting the idea was likely to get him clawed, if not outright killed. Now, here she was making the offer.

  Brushing aside his apprehensions about things he might do wrong, Estin crawled into the narrow space beside her, feeling instantly warmer for both of their body heat and the thick pelt under them. He settled in, putting his arms around her as they curled up in the dark to sleep. Without thinking, he draped his extensive tail over them both for an extra layer of warmth.

  “Oh,” Feanne whispered, stiffening a moment later. “Maybe this was not a good idea.”

  Estin thought for a moment he had done something wrong, or that he had touched her in a way she was not happy about. He started to move away, but she grabbed his hand, then his tail as he tried to whisk it away.

  “Not your fault,” she said softly, pulling him back down behind her. “I just hadn’t realized how long it’d been since I had…company. It’s funny how you can forget wanting something until the moment is just right.”

  “Just right as in having someone available, or…?”

  She pulled his arm back over her, then lay her head down on his tail, using it as a pillow.

  “The right person, I should say. There are plenty of others I could bring out into the wilds…none that I would choose to. You, I do not mind sharing bedding with. It is good to not be alone again. You make good company, Estin.”

  Wrapping himself around her,
Estin nuzzled into the back of her neck and breathed in the faint scent of her that was always so elusive at a distance, usually covered with the smells of the woods. It made him feel happy and safe, though he doubted he could tell her that.

  “Estin?”

  His ears perked and he stopped what he was doing, realizing that he was likely overstepping his bounds. Inside, he screamed at himself for not being able to be satisfied with just being near her. The moment had been so perfect.

  Nothing in the world was more important to him at that moment than keeping her near him. A part of him wanted to wake up smelling her this close and feel her near him every morning, but he doubted that would happen if he had just upset her.

  “Yes, Feanne?”

  “If I were to do something truly awful, at least according to the other predators…would you hold that against me? I do not usually try to be very proper, but I feel I should ask this time. I would not want you to hate me for it.”

  “Never. What would you do that could ever make me hate you?”

  “Several things,” she said softly, pulling his hips firmly against hers and turning to nip playfully at his neck. When he flinched a little in surprise, she took his hand and placed it on the knotted leather that held on her loincloth. “All of which I am sure will not win me any approval back in camp.”

  *

  Having slept on and off that first night, then having stayed in the back of the cave the whole next day sharing each others’ company, the two had said very little the full day. They had gone back to sleep again that next night exhausted.

  By the time they had bedded down—for sleep—Estin felt far less guilty for the enjoyment of their time. At first, he had been loath to believe that Feanne wanted him, rather than just some company to keep her warm. She had tried to assure him briefly of being sincere that she wanted him for who he was, not just because he was male, but it had taken him time to believe it. Once he had finally accepted that, he cherished every moment with her, hoping the day could go on forever.