The Time of My Life

by Cecelia Ahern

  ‘No, I’ll go in with you,’ he said, keeping his voice at a normal level, which stopped me from speaking any further.

  I went into Edna’s office and sat down at the circular table she had by her window. She had a fake white rose in a tall slim vase, and a copy of Ulysses on the shelf behind her desk; two of the things on my list that always annoyed me about her because I despised fake flowers and guessed she had probably never read Ulysses in her life but liked how having it on her shelf made her look. She looked at my life.

  ‘Hello,’ she said in a who are you kind of way.

  ‘Ms Larson, my name is…’ he looked at me and I saw his lips twitch as he fought a smile, ‘Cosmo Brown. I have some paperwork here for you which details how I’m allowed to be with Lucy Silchester at all times, and includes confidentiality agreements which have been signed by me and have been stamped and notarised by a recognised notary. You can trust that anything I learn about the company in this conversation will not go any further but anything that is discussed with Lucy regarding her personal life will be well within my rights to discuss as I so wish.’

  She took the paperwork and as she read, I saw the realisation pass over her face. ‘Okay Mr Brown, please have a seat.’

  ‘Please, call me Cosmo,’ he smiled and I knew it was a dig at me.

  She looked at him when she spoke. ‘This meeting is about the events which took place on Tuesday. I’m sure you’re aware of the incident regarding Steven Roberts.’

  Life nodded.

  ‘Excuse me, do you have to address him when you speak about me?’ I looked at Life. ‘Does she have to address you?’

  ‘She can look at whoever she likes, Lucy.’

  ‘But it doesn’t have to be you.’

  ‘No, it doesn’t have to be me.’

  ‘Okay.’ I looked back at Edna. ‘You don’t have to address him.’

  ‘Thank you, Lucy. Now, where was I?’ She returned her gaze to Life. ‘So what we are going to discuss is not what happened to Steve, though if there are any personal worries that Lucy has about what happened and frankly I wouldn’t be surprised if there were, then as her immediate superior I am the person she can speak to about any issue that arises from what happened—’

  ‘Eh, excuse me, but I’m here. You don’t have to speak as though I’m not here.’

  She looked at me then, fixed me with a steely stare and I wished she’d continued looking at Life. ‘This meeting is to do with the revelation that surfaced from those events in which we discovered that you can’t actually speak any Spanish.’

  ‘I can speak Spanish. I was just under so much pressure. There was a gun in my face and I couldn’t think.’

  Edna looked relieved and she finally softened. ‘Lucy, that is what I assumed, I mean, my goodness, I could barely remember my own name under the circumstances and I was just hoping to hear confirmation of that. As you can understand I have to officially go about—’

  ‘Excuse me, can I interrupt here?’ Life said.

  I looked at him with wide eyes. ‘I don’t think you’re allowed to.’ I looked at Edna. ‘Is he allowed to? I think he’s just supposed to witness my life and not actually partake in any—’

  ‘No, no, I’m allowed to partake,’ he said to me. Then he looked at Edna. ‘I’d like to confirm that Lucy cannot speak Spanish.’

  My mouth dropped. Edna’s eyes widened even more than her fish eyes.

  ‘I’m sorry, did you say “can” or “cannot”?’

  ‘I will verify that I said “cannot”.’ He said the word slowly and accentuated the t. ‘She,’ he pointed at me to make sure we were all totally clear it was not the fake rose on the table that we were talking about, ‘is unable to speak Spanish. I think there is a danger here of you being deceived again and it’s only appropriate that I jump in and keep you wise to the situation.’ He looked at me as if to say, That okay? Did I handle that well?

  I was speechless. My life had stabbed me in the back. Edna was momentarily speechless too but then she found her voice again. She continued to talk to him instead of me.

  ‘Cosmo, I’m sure you understand that this is a very serious situation.’

  I felt beads of sweat break out on my forehead.

  ‘Of course,’ he agreed.

  ‘And so as Lucy is employed as our language specialist for the manual and has been for the past two and a half years, I am concerned that her lack of knowledge of Spanish has put the customers who buy the products in grave danger and the company in jeopardy. I mean, who on earth was writing the Spanish translations? Were they even accurate? Were they from a dictionary?’

  ‘They were from a very reputable national Spanish speaker whose translations of the appliance directions have been second to none,’ I said quickly.

  ‘Well, you don’t actually know that,’ Life said.

  ‘There have never been any complaints,’ I said, tired of being stabbed in the back.

  ‘That we know of,’ Edna said and Life agreed.

  ‘Who is this person who was translating the work for you?’ Edna asked, unable to hide the shock from her voice.

  ‘From a reputable—’

  ‘You said that,’ he interrupted.

  ‘—Spanish business person,’ I continued anyway. ‘It was actually more of a sub-contract than cheating though I know nobody has brought up that word but that is what I’ve been made to feel like I’m doing.’ I took the high ground. ‘Look, I speak every other language perfectly, that is definitely not a lie, tell her.’

  I looked at Life to back me up but he put up his hands. ‘I don’t think that’s my role here.’

  I gulped and lowered my voice. ‘Look, if you could just allow me to keep my job, please, then maybe let Quentin do the Spanish translations and it’s all kept in-house and it’s all perfectly legal and there’s nothing to worry about. I apologise profusely for not telling the complete truth—’

  ‘For lying,’ Life said.

  ‘For not telling the complete truth,’ I continued.

  ‘For lying.’ He looked at me. ‘You lied.’

  ‘Look, who doesn’t lie on their resumé?’ I finally snapped. ‘Everybody does. Ask any of those guys out there if they’ve ever lied and they’ll all tell you they exaggerated the truth a little. I bet you have too.’ I looked at Edna. ‘You’ve said you worked at Global Maximum for four years and everyone knows it was only two years, and half of that was in junior management and not senior like you said you were.’

  Edna’s eyes widened. Then realising what I’d said, mine did too.

  ‘But that’s not to say you lied, I just mean we all exaggerate the truth, that’s not to take away from any accomplishments that you or I may or may not have—’

  ‘Okay, I think I may have heard enough here,’ Edna said, massaging her temples. ‘I’m going to have to bring this up on a higher level.’

  ‘No, please don’t do that.’ I reached across and held her arm. ‘Please don’t. Look, there’s nothing to worry about. You know legal wouldn’t have cleared any manual we did if it all wasn’t one hundred per cent accurate. Things get checked all the time, I’m not the person with the last say here. So nothing can backfire on you and if it ever ever did, then you’ve nothing to worry about because you didn’t know. Nobody knew.’

  ‘Did Quentin know?’ she asked, her eyes narrowed.

  ‘Why do you ask?’ I frowned.

  ‘Just tell me the truth, Lucy. Quentin knew, didn’t he?’

  I was taken aback. ‘Nobody knew.’

  ‘But he knew on Tuesday, when Steve was asking you to translate. He knew then, he was straight up from under the table.’

  ‘I think everyone knew then, it was obvious I hadn’t a word in my head.’

  ‘I think you’re lying again,’ she said.

  ‘No, I’m not. Okay, I’m not exactly lying, I think Quentin found out a little earlier when—’

  Edna shook her head. ‘How much else do I have to pull out of you, Lucy? I mean—’<
br />
  ‘No no, listen,’ I interrupted. ‘He only knew a couple of minutes earlier when I was trying to speak to Augusto Fernández.’

  She wasn’t really listening to me. She had given up. ‘I don’t know.’ She was tidying her paperwork away and she stood. ‘I don’t know what to believe any more. Frankly, I’m surprised at you, Lucy, I really thought that you of all people had it all together, out of everyone in this …’ She looked out at the desks outside. ‘Well anyway, I’m surprised at you. But then,’ she looked at Life, ‘I thought the same about my sister and she found herself in the same,’ she searched for a word to describe my current situation, ‘predicament as this.’

  Life nodded as if they’d shared a secret.

  She sighed. ‘Quentin did know, he didn’t know, you don’t seem to be very clear or convincing on that fact.’

  ‘No, no, I’m sure about this, please—’

  ‘I think we’ve taken enough time here,’ she said. ‘Why don’t you go back and join the others and I’ll have a think about what we’ve discussed. Thank you, Lucy. Thank you, Cosmo.’

  She shook both our hands and I was quickly ushered out of her office. I went back to my desk in shock at what had occurred. Life followed me. Sat down at the empty desk that looked directly opposite. He drummed his fingers on the table.

  ‘So what do you do now?’ he said. ‘Want me to photocopy anything?’

  ‘I can’t believe you did that,’ I said. ‘I just can’t believe you had the nerve to do that to me. What happened to the we’re a team talk? You were just sweet-talking me so you could make a fucking fool out of me.’ I raised my voice by accident and the others looked over at me. ‘I’m going for a cigarette,’ I said, then stood up and left the room, my chin high and mighty as I made my way under everybody’s watchful gaze.

  The last thing I heard before I left the room was his voice loud and clear saying, ‘She doesn’t smoke. She pretends to, to get extra breaks.’

  I slammed the door behind me.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  I was standing on the fire escape, secret smoking location number three of the year after the disabled toilet on the second floor and the cleaning staff service room. Two other people were there too; a man and a woman but they weren’t there together and none of us spoke. It wasn’t like the smoking section outside a club or pub where everybody spoke to everybody, united by the happiness of being out on a social occasion. This was work and the only reason we were all here, apart from needing to feed the nicotine fix, was to get away from talking to people. We had come here to have a break from thoughts and the hard work that came with the constant interaction with idiots. Or at least people we considered idiots because they were not mind readers and we had to, patiently, use polite words to explain things that we were thinking when really inside we were fighting the urge to take their heads in our hands and softly and repeatedly thud their foreheads off the wall. But there was no such politeness here; we were shutting off our brains, deliberately ignoring each other and satisfied by our right to do so, concentrating only on breathing in and blowing out smoke. Only I wasn’t. I hadn’t stopped thinking, and I wasn’t smoking.

  I heard the door open behind me. I didn’t bother turning around, I didn’t care if location number three had been found and we had all been caught. What was another misdemeanour on my current rap sheet? But the other two did care and they hid their cigarettes in their closed and quickly yellowing palms, forgetting the rising smoke would give the game away, and they both quickly turned to see who had stumbled upon their lair. They didn’t appear too concerned by who they saw but they didn’t relax either which meant it wasn’t the boss but it wasn’t someone they knew. The man took a final long drag of his cigarette and quickly left, the scare of the close call enough to ruin his nicotine thrill. The woman stayed where she was, but eyed the new guest up and down as she had done with me when I joined them. I still didn’t turn around to see who it was, partly because I didn’t care who it was, but mostly because I knew who it was.

  ‘Hi,’ he said, standing so close to me our shoulders rubbed.

  ‘I’m not talking to you,’ I said, staring straight ahead. The woman sensed something juicy and settled down to suck on the remainder of her cigarette.

  ‘I told you it was going to be harder than you thought,’ he said gently. ‘But don’t worry, we’ll get there.’

  ‘Will we now,’ I said. ‘Excuse me,’ I turned to the lady, ‘would you mind if I borrowed a cigarette, please?’

  ‘I think she means can she take it. She can’t give it back once it’s smoked,’ Life added for me.

  She looked at me as though she’d rather sell her favourite grandmother but she gave me one anyway because that’s what people do, they’re mostly polite, even when they’re feeling rude inside.

  I inhaled. Then I coughed.

  ‘You don’t smoke,’ he said.

  I inhaled again in his face, then tried to stifle the cough that immediately came after.

  ‘Why don’t you just tell me why you’re so angry?’

  ‘Why?’ I finally turned to him. ‘Are you demented? You know bloody well why. You made a fool of me in there. You made me look like a … like a …’

  ‘Liar, by any chance?’

  ‘Look, I had a plan. I had it all under control. You were just supposed to sit there and observe, that’s what you said.’

  ‘I never said that.’

  ‘Somebody said that.’

  ‘No, you assumed.’

  I silently fumed.

  ‘So tell me, what was the great plan? You were going to lie again and all of a sudden like the great genius you are, learn Spanish overnight?’

  ‘I have a great aptitude for learning, that’s what my French teacher said,’ I huffed.

  ‘And your civics teacher said “could do better”.’ He looked away. ‘I did the right thing.’

  Silence. The smoker sniffed.

  ‘Okay, so I should have told the truth, but there has to be another way of doing this. You can’t just bulldoze your way into my life and try to fix every little lie that I’ve ever told. What are you going to do when you meet my parents? Come out with every little fib and give them a heart attack? Are you going to tell them that instead of a study group, I had a house party the night they went to my Aunt Julie’s fortieth and that their darling nephew Colin shagged a girl in their bed and Fiona streaked across the lawn for the last bit of hash and that no, I’m sorry, it wasn’t vegetable soup on the floor like I said it was, it was Melanie’s vomit and I shouldn’t have let the dog eat it? And by the way, Lucy can’t speak Spanish.’ I gasped for air.

  He was taken aback. ‘Even your parents think you can speak Spanish?’

  ‘They paid for a summer there, what else was I meant to tell them?’ I snapped.

  ‘The truth? Does that ever occur to you?’

  ‘That I was a podium dancer in a night club instead of doing the job they set up for me at a hotel reception?’

  ‘Maybe not, then.’

  ‘I mean, where does the big reveal begin and end? One minute you’re buying light bulbs and the next minute you’re telling my father I think he needs to get off his high horse and stop being a pretentious little shit. You need to have a little sensitivity about this, you’re supposed to be helping me make things better, not putting me in the unemployment line and ending what little relationship I already have with my family. We need to have a plan.’

  He was silent for a while, I could see he was mulling it over and I waited for one of his analogies but none came. Instead he said, ‘You’re right. I’m sorry.’

  I pretended to keel over the banister but he and the smoker pulled me back, thinking I was serious.

  ‘Thanks,’ I said to her, a little embarrassed, and she quite wisely found that an appropriate time to leave.

  ‘But I’m not sorry for what I did, just the way that I went about it. We’ll work on another strategy for the future.’

  I respected
his fairness, his ability to admit when he was wrong. So I took another drag of the cigarette and then put it out, as a mark of respect. But he wasn’t finished and I examined the crushed smouldering cigarette to see if I could pick it up again and continue smoking.

  ‘I couldn’t just sit there and listen to you lie again, Lucy, and I’m never going to be able to do that so whatever strategy we work out, it has to involve you not lying again. It gives me heartburn.’

  ‘My lying gives you heartburn?’

  ‘Right there.’ He rubbed the centre of his chest.

  ‘Oh. Well, I’m sorry about that.’

  He winced and rubbed it again. ‘Your nose just grew, Pinocchio.’

  I shoved him playfully. ‘Why don’t you just let me tell people the truth? In my own time, that is.’

  ‘I don’t think there’s enough time in the world to allow that to happen.’

  ‘Well, I’m not going to gather the troops and admit everything all at once but I’ll do it. I’ll do it when the time is right. How about we agree that I just won’t tell any more lies from now on, and you do your little accompanying, observing thing if you have to.’